"Gar, what the hell is this?" asked Raven, holding out her phone. She sent her signature look of annoyance across the table to her boyfriend who was swallowing a bite of his cereal.
Squinting his eyes slightly, he pretended to examine it. "Hmm, it looks like a cellular phone; a portable telephone that uses the cellular radio system to enable users to communicate without a direct connection to a network. Quite a nifty device, huh?"
Raven rolled her eyes. "Oh you're hilarious, Garfield. What's this 'Make a Baby' app you sent me?"
"It's this new app that everyone is using on Facebook. You get to make a baby alone or with another user, chose all its features, give it a name, feed it, buy it clothes, raise it and everything! All the celebrity couples made babies!"
Raven knew it was just a silly app for fun. The baby wasn't real, the relationships weren't real, none of it was real and yet it felt so real to Raven. Thinking about babies frightened Raven, especially thinking about herself having babies. She always thought of herself as a loner. Bring a loner always had negative connotations to it, but Raven didn't see it as a bad thing. Wanting to be alone and enjoying solitude wasn't a bad trait and she couldn't see why everyone else thought it was. Raven always thought she would live the rest of her life by herself. No pets, no husband, and no kids. Just herself and some tea and her books. But here Gar was, already stirring up the plan by worming his way into her heart. Now he was mentioning kids and stirring it up even further.
Beast Boy continued to talk excitedly. "Star and Robin already have 3 babies and I'm their Uncle Gar. They have two girls and a boy; Stephanie, Noelle, and Riley. I babysat the little tykes the other day to make some extra cash for us. I've been collecting coins for a while now so that when our baby gets here, we'll have some cash to buy the good stuff. I want our kid to have the best clothes and everything." Beast Boy winked at Raven. Raven only diverted her eyes and stared down at her own cereal bowl in front of her. How can he babysit virtual babies? He is taking this way too far.
"Cy and Bee have a new born son named William. I tried to get them to name him after me, but Cy said that it was never going to happen. Let's name our first babies little Gar and little Rachel. How cute would that be?"
Not cute. Not cute at all. Thought Raven.
"We should have our baby soon, so that ours will be almost the same age as little Will. Then they can have play dates and be best buds. Hey, I know they have different skin tones that we can chose from but I wonder if it will allow us to pick green. Or do you think our babies should have greenish-grey skin? That's how genetics works, right?"
Yup, it really felt real now. Beast Boy was trying to make their baby as accurate as possible to imitate real life and that only scared Raven more.
"And for the other kids, I was thinking of the names Clark, Peter, and Bruce. For girls I was thinking Diana, Kathy, and Selina!"
Raven frowned, more than usual, that is. How many babies does he want? Beast Boy noticed her frown and his smile dropped. "Or we don't have to have a family of superhero kids… I just thought it would be funny if they were all named after superheroes since we are superheroes… You can chose the names! Anything you want. And you can design our babies, too. They don't have to have green skin," he offered, trying to make her happy.
"No," said Raven firmly. "You chose the names, the looks, everything, because I'm not taking part in this. It's a silly game to encourage Facebook users to use their social media page more so they can put up advertisements and earn more money. It's a waste of time and I will not fall for their trap. I use Facebook as a means to communicate with the fans, not to play house or whatever with you."
Beast Boy's cereal blew up in black energy before his face. "I need to go meditate," Raven whispered. Raven wanted to meditate, but her mind kept thinking about that stupid 'Make a Baby' app. To everyone else, it was just a fun little app. Why couldn't Raven see it like that? She wished it didn't bother her so much. She wasn't even sure what about it was bothering her so much. It just made her feel weird on the inside.
Was it a sign that she didn't want to spend the rest of her life with Beast Boy? If she felt weird about having children with him then maybe it was her mind telling her that he wasn't the one. A case of cold feet possibly. Or if he wanted kids and she didn't, then maybe it was a sign that they were on different paths. They wanted different things and they couldn't be meant for each other. Maybe she was right about her envisioning her future alone. Maybe Starfire's trip to the future was more accurate than she thought. She was meant to be alone with her thoughts, secluded from everyone else.
Maybe it was because she just had no maternal instincts. What if she just wasn't capable of being motherly? She wasn't good at entertaining kids. She had no desire to play dolls or race cars or read children's books. She wasn't good at comforting, especially not when there were tears. If they cried, she didn't know how to make them stop. If they broke the rules, she would send them to another dimension as a time out. Would she be Trigon to her children? Maybe it wasn't Beast Boy that she was afraid of, it wasn't the kids that she was afraid of; it was herself that she was afraid of.
Raven spent the majority of the day on the roof. She had finished meditating hours ago, but she liked the peace and quiet so she decided to do some reading on the roof. The natural sunlight looked better on the old yellowing pages of her book. It was well into the evening now, and the sun had begun to disappear for the night. This forced Raven to place a bookmark between the pages. She scooted closer to the edge of the roof, allowing her legs to dangle over the edge.
The cool evening air swirled around Raven's bare legs. Liking the fresh air, but not the coolness of it, Raven was almost ready to head in when she sensed a figure approaching from behind. She wasn't sure if she wanted to slide off the edge of the tower and disappear into the air, or if she wanted to phase through the roof back into the tower, or if she wanted to stay and not avoid all human contact. She chose to stay; it was the least she could do after blowing up his cereal.
"Pretty chilly out here, huh?" His voice was soft, like he was taking to a wild deer that would bolt at any second. With her back to him she nodded. He came closer and wrapped a fluffy blanket around her shoulders. It was like a warm hug to Raven's skin. Or maybe it was just his presence that made her feel warm. He did tend to do that to her. He sat down beside her in the same position; legs dangling over the roof. He noted how much longer his legs were compared to hers. His feet reached a good five inches below hers. Raven extended her left arm out to draw him into the blanket with her.
After sitting in silence for a few minutes, Beast Boy was brave enough to speak again. He figured since she had shared the blanket and hadn't run away, she probably wasn't mad at him anymore. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing," replied Raven.
Beast Boy knew that girls often said "nothing's wrong" when something was clearly wrong but Raven took the phrase "nothing's wrong" to a whole new level. She hated talking about her feelings and would rather pretend like they didn't exist than admit she was feeling something. Normally she went to great lengths to avoid these conversations. She would lock herself in her room, or volunteer to run errands, or take extra night shifts, all to avoid talking about her feelings. When she wasn't the subject of conversation, she was great to talk to. She often helped the other Titans when they had a problem, and Beast Boy wished she would let them help her once in a while.
"Uh huh. So the cereal blew itself up?" He teased her lightly.
"Yup. It did." Raven decided to play along and avoid the conversation. "Rice Krispies, you know the one with those characters Snap, Crackle, and Pop. Your cereal just snapped, crackled, and popped this morning."
"Will you please tell me what's wrong?" Beast Boy leaned over to kiss her cheek. She let him kiss her, which Beast Boy took as a good sign. Raven gave it some thought. How was she going to word it? It all seemed so silly to her, she was afraid he would laugh.
"The whole 'make a baby' thing makes me nervous," said Raven, still facing the view. Out of her peripheral vision she could see him watching her intently with a shy smile. He didn't say anything, waiting for her to elaborate. Taking his silence as the end of their conversation, she turned to face him. "Okay, let's go inside now."
Beast Boy placed a hand on her shoulder to stop her from leaving. "Wait, you haven't finished telling me what's wrong."
"I thought I just did," said Raven.
He chuckled. "That was a good start, but you have to add more to it."
"But I already told you what's bothering me." Raven didn't understand what he wanted from her. She answered his question, what more did he want? Beast Boy laughed to himself. She was so intelligent and read thousands of book and millions of pages, and yet she couldn't put together more than a sentence about her feelings.
"Well, you can tell me what part makes you nervous and why it makes you nervous. You can tell me what I can do to fix it."
"Um, no thanks," said Raven. "I think I'm good." Raven really didn't want to talk about kids.
"Snap, Crackle, and Pop seem to think otherwise," joked Beast Boy. "Please explain it to me, Raven. I just want to make you happy."
Raven sighed. She wanted him to be happy, but he wouldn't be happy unless she was happy. And She wouldn't be happy unless he was happy. It was a vicious circle and she wanted to end it. "That dumb app felt like real life. Like being all grown up with babies. It's just scary because I don't think I'll ever want children."
"Oh. You don't want children?" Beast Boy tried to keep the disappointment out of his voice.
"Well, I don't know. I can't imagine myself being a mother. It's weird. I don't think I would make a very good mother anyway."
"Sure you would," offered Beast Boy. "You're smart and have a kind heart. What more could a kid want in a mother?"
"Well, in my opinion, I think a child would want a mother who doesn't lose their temper every five seconds. Maybe someone who doesn't turn into a demon with four eyes would be nice, too. And someone who is affectionate would also be a winner. I can't be that person. I hate crying babies. They're annoying. And they need constant attention. I like to be alone."
"They don't always cry. They laugh and smile and love…"
"What if they don't listen to me? I might go Trigon on them. I'm not meant to be a mother. I'm a nasty demon who is meant for all things destruction. I'm not motherly and I never will be."
"That's not true. I know you look and judge yourself through these extremely distorted filters, but I wish you could see yourself the way the rest of us do. I see a beautiful woman with an equally beautiful heart, with a strong head on her shoulders, who is never afraid to stand up for what is right, and who tells me when I'm being a moron." He smiled at that. "Sure, you're going to get annoyed and tired and angry, but that's the way it's meant to be. I think along the way we'll find that there are way more good memories than bad ones. Besides, I'm sure we'll find that even the 'bad' memories will turn out to be good ones. We'll look back at the sleepless nights and reminisce." Beast Boy laced his right hand in her left hand. He liked how his larger hand was able to envelope her smaller one. "You're not going to be like Trigon and I know this because you've spent your entire life trying to stop what he started. You're selfless and humble and any being would be lucky to have you in their life." He tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear.
"But I can't always control my emotions. What if I scare them? What if I send them to Nevermore? What if I suck them into my soul self and tear them to shreds?"
To be honest, that image sort of frightened him. "You won't lose control. You know why? Because I'll be there for you every second of the day. You're not going to have to raise them alone. I'll be there and I promise to be there for you and the kids. I trust you with my life, I think you should trust yourself too."
Beast Boy was very persuasive, Raven noted. This time she couldn't think of anything else to say. She wasn't exactly sold on the idea yet but she sure felt a whole lot more comfortable than before. She hugged him tightly without saying anything. Her arms went around his neck and her face buried in the crook of his neck.
Beast boy smiled and kissed her hair. "I know that one day, if you choose to, you'll make a great mother. Just ask Teether, Tommy, and Melvin. I'm sure they'd like to agree with me." He kissed her softly on the lips this time. She kissed him back a little more forcefully. Beast Boy felt her cold hands against the warm skin of his face and neck. He held her tighter against himself.
"I'm sorry I overreacted this morning," said Raven, her head resting on his shoulder. "I shouldn't have said what I said and I really didn't mean what I said. It was a bit of a fight-or-flight response," said Raven sheepishly.
"That's okay. This morning was too boring anyway." Beast Boy could never stay mad at Raven for long. He was head over heels for her. She had him wrapped around her finger, but he would never admit that.
"So," said Raven, pulling something out of her pocket. "Do you think you could show me how the app works?" Beast Boy's eyes lit up. They spent the next half hour cuddled together under the moonlight, swiping left and right trying out different hairstyles and outfits. They'd finally created a little girl with dark straight hair cut into a soft chin-length bob. She had pale skin which contrasted against her dark hair perfectly, and made her bubbly green eyes stand out. They dressed her in the most expensive clothing option; a little striped sundress with the matching shoes. They bought her a teddy bear and a few other toys and only the best stroller. Now all they had left to do was pick out a name.
They agreed on Autumn for her first name. "Okay, last step. We need a last name. What are you thinking? Should we give her Roth or Logan?"
"Mmm, how's this?" said Raven as she took the phone from his hands and typed something into the box. She handed it back to him and he read it out loud.
"Autumn Logan-Roth. Perfect," said Beast Boy as he kissed her once again.
A/N: This was written as a request for Creepy-Pasta, so thank you for giving me the inspiration and motivation to write about Raven's doubts of motherhood. Also, if you were curious, yes this is a real app. I'm not sure if the app is still available though. If anybody has a request, be sure to message me :) I hope you have time to leave a review, and have a great day!