Disclaimers: J.K. Rowling, Scholastic, and the British publisher for which I've forgotten the name own all legal rights to anything you recognize (and I daresay, many things you don't as well, depending on how good your memory is).
Notes: It's been so long hasn't it, since I last updated Cursed, and people seemed to like it a little bit at least… For which I'm sorry, but I took a little sabbatical from the Harry Potter fandom and have only recently gotten reattached to it, and well… I still like my Sirius Black/original character, rather cliched idea. Though to my credit, I really haven't seen the 'girl saves Sirius' plot very much, quite possibly because… the idea of it is so surely a train wreck that brings tears to the eyes of every sensible Harry Potter fanfiction reader on both sides of the globe. Ah well, I flatter myself to think I could make a decent go at it.
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Promises to Keep (Cursed revisited)
By Cynthia Chen
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Prelude
To Take Death in Hand
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"Mother, where's father?" When seven-year-old Julianne Adhlar's question was not met with an answer, she tugged again at her mother's deep-purple robes. "Where's father? Mother, I want to see father…" When there was still no response, her voice rose to a more insistent pitch. "I want to see him, mother, I want to see father!"
"Julianne!" Her mother's voice cracked as she finally looked down, but then it still did not seem as if an answer was forthcoming. There were still-damp tear tracks running down Maris Adhlar's face, and the expression of deep grief upon it was far from the composed half-smile Julianne was accustomed to seeing on her mother's face. "Would you please stop that?" The words were barely out of her mouth when she broke down into a choked sobbing.
"Mother…" Julianne Adhlar did not know what was happening, but she found herself doing what most young children did when faced with a situation they could hardly begin to understand – she let herself be carried away by the obviously strong emotions defining the moment around her and she began to cry as well. "Mother, I just want to see father." Her words were punctuated by quiet sniffles as tears fell from her eyes as well.
There was no way the other Adhlar relatives around them could ignore the scene much longer, and it wasn't long before an older aunt on her father's side had come to comfort Julianne's mother, whispering many things to the gist of how it was alright, and it was understandable for a child to be distressed, given the situation. Meanwhile, one of the older second cousins she barely knew knelt by her, also whispering words of comfort and reassurance.
"Julianne, do you understand what is happening?" When the younger girl had calmed down sufficiently for any sort of conversation, fifteen-year-old Pearl Adhlar had knelt down to look into Julianne's eyes. "Do you know why the entire family is here at your house?"
Julianne shook her head mutely. When she thought about it, she realized that she hadn't seen father anywhere for quite some time – it was out of character for Edward Adhlar to spend so much time away from his home. This morning, her mother had seemed distinctly unwell when Julianne came down for breakfast, and had told her to wear something nicer because people were coming to their house today. By noon, the first of the relatives had started to come, half of them through the fireplace and the other half through the front door. (Julianne assumed that those had apparated in before ringing the doorbell.) Now it was late afternoon, and she still had no real idea of what to make of all the strange things that were happening.
"Well, Julianne, I hardly know where to start." Pearl gave her a sad little half-smile. "Honestly, as a distant relative, I can't begin to understand how it feels, but I'll do my best. I suppose you might have realized that our great-grandfather isn't here today either and I'm sure you know how he's usually at every single family gathering?" She paused, prompting a response.
The younger girl nodded solemnly. What Pearl had said was certainly true – the old man who never talked much but always had a kindly enough smile for all the Adhlar children, the one mother had told her to address as 'great-grandfather', he wasn't here today either. A child who had been raised closer to any knowledge of 'death' and such matters would probably have been able to put two-and-two together to realize what all this was leading up to (between the hushed voices, the decidedly grave expressions on everyone's face, and the rather subdued color of all the clothes), but like most other wizards and witches' children, Julianne Adhlar had been raised in a rather sheltered way, and in the last seven years there had never been any reason for her parents to introduce her to the idea of death.
"About four days ago, great-grandfather was very ill, and he was at St. Mungo's hospital, in the city – you've been to London before, right? Diagon Alley?" Pearl gave her younger cousin another reassuring half-smile. "Well, my father went to visit him there, as did yours, and I suppose your father is rather braver than mine…" At this point, her voice trailed off, and it seemed as if she might be reluctant to continue.
"What does that mean?" Julianne asked in a voice that wasn't much louder than a whisper – she still didn't understand. "Pearl, I don't know what that means…" There was a slight edge of pleading in her voice now, whatever this all meant, she at least got the distinct feeling that it couldn't possibly be anything good.
"Lia, darling, do you know that we, all of us Adhlars, that we're special?" As Pearl Adhlar shifted slightly to take some of the weight off her knees, there was an odd glistening in her eyes – she was beginning to cry too. "Because someone in our family a very long time ago wanted to do a sort of magic that was very much forbidden, and then something very powerful decided that if he wanted it so badly, he and all his descendants could have the power, but everything comes at a price… You know what our gift is, and that it could be called a curse?" Pearl sighed as she waited for Julianne's response.
Not many people called Julianne by her rather childish nickname at all, and when people started using it, they generally meant to tell her something bad. The last time was when… she couldn't really remember, but she thought it was a while ago when father tried to tell her that story, only he didn't finish when mother said he shouldn't and that they should wait a while because their child would only understand later. Up until now, she'd thought that it was only a silly story that was only scary because it was like the type of story people told to her at Halloween parties, scary because people were expected to call it scary, not because it had any bearing on the real world. Yet something about the way Pearl was telling it to her now suggested to Julianne that this story of a 'curse' was all too relevant to what was happening now, and there was no way one could begin to think that it meant anything good.
"The Adhlar curse means we can interfere sometimes when people are meant to leave us, though it is something of a risk, and your father thought he should help our great-grandfather, because usually one doesn't lose much for using the Adhlar gift… The curse aspect takes a while to act, usually after a long time using the gift, and your father had never used before. Well, this time… The curse acted quicker than anyone thought it would." This seemed to upset Pearl, but she hid it well enough, and the tears that fell slowly from the corner of her eyes were hardly noticeable. "Your father is lost to us now, though if you'd like, you could see great-grandfather soon."
Julianne didn't understand what it meant for someone to die, not yet at this point in her life. Yet at some point in history, one can imagine, the first sentient being to encounter death didn't really need to know what it was to understand the finality of it, and for seven-year-old Julianne this was a moment much like that. Perhaps it would be a while yet before she really became acquainted with the idea of death, but at this point she did not need that understanding to realize what was happening, it was odd in a way. Father is… no longer with us. That means he's lost, he's gone, and that is sad, sad enough to make people cry because he can't see us anymore and he can't talk to us… If he can never come home again, then… then… Perhaps Julianne still didn't truly understand, but at this point that simply wasn't necessary.
"Lia, are you alright?" Pearl's tears had stopped, but now she seemed worried. "It's… it's alright to cry if you want to. I can't begin to honestly understand because he wasn't my father, but I know how I would feel… It's alright to cry."
It was the first time in her life that Julianne Adhlar had really wished to cry, in a life that had been characterized by peaceful days at home; watching her mother as she did housework, family gatherings that were more full of laughter than anything else, father doing silly little bits of magic like making books fly or making thin tendrils of smoke from the fireplace twist into pretty shapes, and father laughing with her and teaching her how to read all the wonderful books he had… Father couldn't do that with her anymore. Julianne Adhlar sobbed as Pearl stood up on her knees to hug her, sobbed the way her mother had in secret since the news came, not knowing how she could possibly tell her daughter in a way that communicated the full meaning of what had happened.
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"Are you feeling alright Pearl?" Fifteen-year-old Julianne Adhlar realized just how ridiculous the question was, given the situation, as soon as the words were out of her mouth – the answer was obvious to anyone who wasn't blind. No tact, she had no tact, she mused. "I… I came as soon as I received the owl, Headmaster Dumbledore let me floo in."
"Lia?" Pearl, who had always been her prettiest cousin, now looked like little more than skin and bones, the pale skin of her face leaving her cheekbones in sharp relief, and dark circles painfully visible under her eyes. Yet she tried to smile, and that offered her cousin some degree of comfort. "I'm glad you're here."
"Where's Aunt Helena and Uncle Alfred… How about your siblings?" Julianne asked, not certain of what sort of words would be appropriate for the moment, though she got the distinct feeling that it would have been better if Pearl's immediate family were here. "I was… somewhat surprised that you would ask for me to come at all, because… Well, you'll recover soon, I think. You're just tired, overworked, sick maybe, but here at St. Mungo's they can heal almost anything, right?" She tried to smile.
"It's the curse, Lia." Pearl told her frankly as she closed her eyes and swallowed hard. "I've bounced back from the effects of it before, but I don't know if I'll be so fortunate again. Mother and father and them… They've had to sit here waiting to see if I'd get better so many times in the last several months, I didn't think I could make them do it again. You're the only one of the cousins I know very well at all, and so…" She shrugged slightly, as best she could while in a hospital bed.
"Because you'll get better soon, and it wouldn't do to worry them or anyone else in the family…" Julianne repeated the reasoning to herself, hoping that she could actually believe it in her heart. She looks so unwell… "How… Why has it been affecting you like this for months? However you were using it, however many people you helped… I don't think it's worth it, Pearl."
"So many people come in here, and they're so close to dying that I don't think I could stand it… They have families and I can't stand the thought of everyone having to suffer, Lia, and because I know I can do something about it, I know I should. It's why I became a Healer, you know." Pearl paused to take a breath, something that seemed like it took more effort than it should. "I took an oath to do all that is in my ability to help, I've been doing it for some time… I know the curse is meant to take an arbitrary number of years off our own lives, and I don't mind that…"
"Pearl… " At fifteen, Julianne Adhlar had very little idea of how to deal with a situation like this, but she did her best. "I'm sure that part of the oath you took, it doesn't mean for you to do things to harm yourself just to hurt others, I'm sure of it."
Pearl smiled again, only it wasn't exactly reassuring. "It's not in their, Lia, not explicitly anyway." When Julianne didn't react, she sighed heavily. "I don't know if its unique to the way its acting on me, but… It's hard to sleep these days, for fear of forgetting who I am. Our gift means that we can pull a soul away when they're standing just before the veil, when they're meant to go through… I get their memories then, all of them, the good and bad. For a time I thought it was alright, it gave what I was doing meaning – to know that they were all human, with much happiness to live fore yet. Sometimes its hard to remember what belongs to me and what belongs to others though… That's enough about me, though." Pearl tried to smile again, but the look in her eyes still seemed sad. "How are you, Lia dear?"
Julianne looked down at the carpeted floor of the fourth-floor ward, and her eyes wandered to the rather garish flower-print-curtains that had been drawn around Pearl's bed to keep out other eyes and ears – not that there were any, really, in this almost eerily silent place. Absently, one part of her mind wondered how they'd decided to put her cousin here, but she quashed that thought quickly. Pearl's not letting on about how horrid it is, I think. To know that the end might well be coming, to be losing herself – I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to have whole sets of other people in her head… I don't ever what to use what the Adhlars have. Absently, she realized that well, it was common enough knowledge that there were a number of wizarding families that were rather cursed on the level of their very blood, a list of which was once maintained in a now-defunct registry rather offensively put under the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, and that it was the sort of thing one put on their employment forms.
Putting on her best attempt at a sincere comforting smile, Julianne began to talk about her days at Hogwarts, deciding that it did neither of them any good to dwell on less pleasant things. "Well, I suppose you remember it very well, but we have O.W.L.s soon, and so we haven't been doing much except schoolwork, your letter came for me while I was in Potions, and it's not such a wonderful class for me or most of the other Ravenclaws, actually – though you were very good at it, I can guess, so you wouldn't understand…"
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A keening, almost inhuman sound broke through Julianne Adhlar's dreams and she sat up suddenly, disoriented, realizing that she had fallen asleep in a chair as it took her several tries to stand up. Where was this, a part of her mind was asking as she rubbed her eyes blearily and looked around the dim lighting of a place she didn't really recognize, where there was brightly-colored flower-print cloth on three sides of her… Oh, she remembered now that she had fallen asleep as she sat by cousin Pearl's bedside at St. Mungo's, as she talked long into the night about mundane things and her daily life at Hogwarts, as Pearl fell silent but not to sleep. The sounds, Julianne realized with a start. The screaming sounds that had woken her, what were they? Was Pearl alright? Was it just from someone else in the ward? Her thoughts were a mess as she looked around frantically.
Oh Merlin… Pearl was fully awake now, and she was the one crying out, in those horrific and heartbreaking sounds. Where are the Healers? The curtains were soundproof, she realized almost as soon as the question was in her mind, she pulled them open, her eyes searching for anyone who looked like they'd know what to do. A young man, not much older than Pearl, dressed in a pale green Healer's uniform with the crossed wand-and-bone insignia stared at her blankly for a moment, shocked, as Pearl Adhlar's cries filled the entire ward.
"Someone help!" Julianne yelled out, as she looked around frantically. "Come on, can't you hear her, can't you help?" There were tears in her eyes now, she realized, as she looked back at her cousin.
It had to be said, that in those dark days late in December 1980, when the European wizarding world was still caught in the throes of He-Who-Must-Not-be-Named's reign of terror, many people younger than her fifteen had been forced to look upon and experience worse things than a cousin holding her head and screaming herself hoarse, caught suddenly by madness, but that was a truth that meant absolutely nothing in the next moment. What Julianne Adhlar saw then was enough to make her doubt all of the things she had taken for granted all her life as a young witch, raised as part of a more-or-less pure-blood family. All the wands, the spells, the magic that was silly more often than not, everything right up to the rather benign (if occasionally violent) game of Quidditch, none of that was worth it in the face of… this.
This is why the death-escaping-magic of the Adhlars is a curse. Our borderline-necromancy, it comes at a price – and this is it. It was one of those things, she would think later, that one had to see for themselves to understand, to know that part of their magical heritage involved… That sort of suffering, that sort of pain, that sort of sacrifice. It would be enough to make her repudiate all that she had grown up with, by and by.
"Pearl…" She whispered, as the tears continued.
Her cousin, always the prettiest and most cheerful of all her cousins was a veritable wraith, as she knelt on the bed, in a tangle of sheets and her nightgown, her head in her hands as she cried out again and again, a sound that was at once heart-breaking and sinister. Her face was twisted into an expression of pain and grief, occasionally shifting into rage and back into grief again. In between the screams, she whispered little bits of phrases that hardly made sense, so quiet that they were bordered on inaudible. As Julianne sat on the hospital bed, trying to get close to her cousin as the Healer went to fetch others, yet not sure if that would be alright, she heard what Pearl was saying in between the screams.
"Don't… I don't want… to forget… It's not… my… time yet." Pearl's whispered words were heartbreaking also, as her hands gripped at her own hair, at the sides of her face… "I don't… wish to… forget…"
Finally, Julianne decided that it couldn't hurt, and she put her arms around her cousin's too-thin shoulders, hoping against hope that her cousin might come out of this moment of seeming insanity, and that before long, everything would be alright again. "You won't forget, I won't let you, no one will. It's not your time yet, the Healers will come, and then… and then…" She didn't know how to finish the sentence.
She took death in hand, told it that its desired victims couldn't go yet, and finally death decided that it was time for her, and then no one could help. The Healers had come, and pushed her out as they got to working, to doing whatever they could. A potion, a spell – she didn't know how they worked, and they'd managed to calm Pearl Adhlar down for a time, at least, but that had been no small comfort as Julianne looked into her glassy eyes and saw nothing of her cousin there. The flickers of awareness, few as there had been, as they waited for older Adhlar relative to come, had meant nothing. To Julianne, it had seemed as if Pearl herself was already gone from the empty shell her pale and skeletal frame was, even if it still had Pearl's auburn hair (dull now and without shine) and blue eyes (empty now of everything). It hadn't taken long for Pearl's mother and father to come, and Julianne's mother too, and all the older Adhlars left in the world. There weren't many, Julianne realized as she watched from her chair, silent even when a well-meaning aunt or uncle asked her a question about how she was feeling, the War was taking its toll on all wizards. By and by she fell asleep, and knew no more.
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Speaking to Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was an inexplicably unsettling experience, Julianne Adhlar realized as she and her mother sat in the tower office with the request that Julianne be allowed to leave the wizarding school by way of not returning after the winter holidays. After the requisite formalities, the old bearded wizard's eyes had more or less stayed locked on her own, and even if Albus Dumbledore had no way of really understanding the heavily traumatic events that had led into Julianne's decision, she somehow got the feeling that he understood her motives perfectly – but found that her decision was wrong nonetheless. This didn't please her, not at all, Julianne hadn't wanted this to be any trouble at all. She didn't want to be made to question her own reasons, she just wanted to leave this all behind. Magic, Julianne Adhlar wanted out from all things to do with magic even if not all of it had much to do with the Adhlar curse, and no one was going to stop her. Mother had already tried, but Julianne was not to be dissuaded and Maris Adhlar had been dealt too many tragic blows by fate that she would protest much at another relatively minor one – at least she would still have her daughter.
"You realize, Miss Adhlar, that no matter what tragedy has befallen you, it does you no good to put a stop to your life because of it. I doubt your cousin, or your father even, would ever have wanted that for you." The white-haired Headmaster smiled benignly at her.
That was a generic enough statement, Julianne thought, but it was far from being enough to dissuade her. "I realize that, of course, Headmaster. I feel, however, that I could not possibly stand to continue with my studies here – when I said it was for personal reasons, I meant it. You're correct, more or less, in saying that certain things that have happened in my family did contribute, but the full reasoning remains my own." She bowed her head slightly, as polite as she'd been since she had entered the office with her mother, hoping to avoid those eyes.
This is the one wizard in the world that even He-Who-Must-Not-be-Named is afraid of, and not because he's some Bartemius Crouch, ready to ruin the life of anyone who so much as looks suspicious… That was what her relatives and their friends said when conversation turned to the war. None of the Adhlars or their closer friends were too involved with fighting the war on either side, so far as Julianne knew, except for those who were doing some form of work with the Ministry. Albus Dumbledore… He seemed like someone's kind grandfather, really, and yet those twinkling eyes seemed to indicate that he knew a bit too much, even about something as unimportant as one fifth-year Ravenclaw's wish to leave her magical schooling behind.
"As you might have noticed." This seemed to be directed both to her mother and Julianne herself. "Many parents have indeed opted to take their students out of Hogwarts for reasons of safety ever since Voldemort began his rise to power." He used the words without any sign of being affected, though both Maris and Julianne shuddered somewhat. "I have always advised against it, as I do now, because insofar as safety is always a concern in these dark days, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is indeed one of, if not the safest place in our world."
"Headmaster, the concern we have is not so much safety as it is… truly personal." Maris Adhlar was the next to speak, in a soft but steady voice – Julianne had told her it was very important, and even if she didn't truly understand why, Julianne was glad that she had been more or less supportive after they'd discussed it somewhat. "Please understand. Julianne simply plans on choosing another way to live, and magical schooling does not factor into it. Please do not worry."
"Ah…" Dumbledore nodded, as if this confirmed something to him at least. "Miss Adhlar, if it is truly your intent to leave the wizarding world behind… That's a rather unorthodox wish, though I do not intend to interfere in any student's legitimate choices. Beyond whatever reasons you have for it, you do realize that it will be difficult, do you not?"
Julianne nodded silently. She hadn't gone in with the intention of either her or her mother telling the Hogwarts Headmaster that not only did she plan on leaving the school, she meant to live out life as a Muggle. Well, no one sitting in this office right now has any distinct prejudices against that sort of thing, even if it is somewhat unconventional. Mother is, after all, Muggle-born, and I'm certainly not in support of the Death Eaters' agenda, and I'm very sure that our Headmaster isn't either. While she waited for the old wizard to continue, she let her eyes wander around his rather cluttered office, from all those silvery contraptions, to his pretty bird… A pheonix… She realized this with a start as the office fell silent (outside of the quiet whirring noise made by those silver-metal devices). That's rather… unique. Our Headmaster is truly a wizard without peer. Then she turned her thoughts forcibly away from witches and wizards, because she wanted nothing to do with such things anymore.
"Miss Adhlar, I obviously can not influence any of my students' decisions when they have already made up their mind." Dumbledore said this with an air of finality and even… resignation? They had been discussing this for quite some time. "It's against my advisement, certainly, and I would that you discuss this with further at length with your Head of House, but as it is I suppose there is nothing more I can do."
"Thank you, Headmaster." Julianne said this with another nod. "Though I believe I will not be speaking to Professor Hallencroft except via correspondence, as he is away now and I do not wish to trouble him." She smiled fondly at the thought of Ravenclaw's aged Head of House, the Professor of Arithmancy. "He's very old, and there are other things for him to be concerned with, especially as my decision is made."
"Lia…" Her mother was using that nickname now, as she spoke again, a wistful tone to her voice. "Are you absolutely certain that this is what you want?" Maris Adhlar could still hope for that.
"Yes, mother, I am absolutely certain." Julianne Adhlar looked at her mother sadly, she could try to sympathize – this was hard for her, perhaps harder than it was for she who was doing the bulk of the actual acting. "I do wish for this."
Dumbledore looked as if he were about to comment, but then he bit that back, something that Julianne was glad for. True, she had made her decision already, or at least tried to communicate that, but that didn't mean she was absolutely sure. It was hard for anyone to decide on forsaking all that they had ever known, but to see Pearl like that just before she'd simply… given out and died, it had been too much for her. This was what a mixture of magic and blood ties to a wizarding family had in store for her, Julianne had thought, even if logic dictated that she never had to use the Adhlar gift and thus be subject to its curse. Logic didn't mean much when one had seen the effects of the curse, to stay in the wizarding world… Someday she would be tempted to use the borderline-necromancy that was part of her birthright, just as father and cousin Pearl had, and then… She couldn't bear the thought of dying in that way. Yet, she got the feeling that whenever Albus Dumbledore ever put his mind to convincing anyone of anything, he always managed to win out. Julianne Adhlar didn't want to be convinced that she shouldn't go with what she had decided, she just wanted to leave all vestiges of witchcraft and wizardry behind.
"Understand then, Miss Adhlar, that if and when you decide to change your mind, people will always be willing to help you – indeed, I will always be willing to help you, just as anyone else on the Hogwarts staff is. Adjusting either way will be difficult, but I have no doubt that you will be able to manage it, whatever you choose." And that was that, the last words anyone of the wizarding world proper (outside of her familial relations) would say to her for more than a decade.
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A/N: It's been more than a year since I started writing Cursed, I think, and I'm very sorry that I haven't updated for so long… I really did mean to make a decent attempt at finishing it, and I'm still very much in love with Julianne Adhlar and Trevan Leigh as I envision them, even as I read Cursed and realize that I didn't do the greatest job of writing way back then. Well, this is Cursed revisted, with a rather different title and serious editing of the more or less same story… I hope the people who liked Cursed so much find it in their hearts to like this.
For those who haven't read Cursed, oh yes… This is canon male/original female character and the premise… could seem ridiculous… Please give it a try. Also, please be nice in keeping with the holiday season and leave a review, no matter what you think, and well, I hope to update in a week or so.