DISTURBING CLARITY
Hi everyone! Miss me? :D Last night Shandy possessed me so, here I am with a new fanfic. It is a one-shot and I want to post it today on Shandy Eve! I had three different finales but I had not the time to put them all into writing…My overwhelming gratitude to my friend and beta JamiW, also my mentor, awesome writer and unique Shandy author! My overwhelming gratitude to anonymouspebble, my loving, generous and dear friend, amazing wiz of pics, artist and genius! Thanks for reading! Please review or PM ! All mistakes are mine. Like 'Sharon&Andy' this is purely meant to be a tribute to MC Shandy! I owe nothing.
Happy ShandySunday!
"Listen Sharon, I know…I've been an idiot and I'm really really sorry, ok?" Andy opened up his arms as Sharon was looking at him, her hand on the door handle of her office. She shut the door behind her and reached for the rope that allowed her to shut the folds. The murder room was empty but she needed secrecy as she was about to deal with a personal matter.
Andy looked into Sharon's eyes bearing the weight of her piercing stare. He didn't care that much if she was angry at him. Really, that would have been better than seeing frustration and hurt. Hurt for not having been told the truth. For feeling 'used'? These thoughts, Andy couldn't really bear. His stomach was wringing and he found almost impossible to swallow now.
"Look…I want you to know why I did it, ok? I mean not that I'm trying to justify my behavior or something but…hopefully, hopefully you'll understand that…Sharon…I'm so sorry, I-I" a deep sight left Andy's lips. He wanted to hug her but…no way, he was the actual cause of her distress and he couldn't hug her now.
Sharon's eyes were watery, through her green flustered stare, the need to understand and the impossibility to hide her disappointment reached Andy. The knot in his stomach got tighter.
"I'm listening to you" Sharon whispered through a bitter sigh. Her eyes dropped to the ground as she swallowed hard. Then, she inhaled and returned to look into Andy's eyes telling herself that the man in front of her was Andy and she could trust him, whatever.
"When…when you came with me to Nicole's wedding…every…everybody there, I mean don't ask me why, I just introduced you as my friend Sharon, right? So, I don't really know why but the fact is… that everybody there thought we were…you know…more than just good friends, ok?" Andy gestured with his hands, his brows arched and then contracted for the intensity of the will to explain, the will to fix things with and for Sharon.
Sharon's eyes widened and she looked at him agape for an impressive instant. However, the need to control herself immediately brought her to recover from the surprise Andy's words had caused. She nodded as to invite him to go on.
"Look, after the wedding, my ex-wife started provoking me with any sort of comments on me and on how unbelievable it was that suddenly… I was… really trying to fix it up with my children…but then, then she…she commented on you. I mean us …she said that if, if a woman like you was my girlfriend then…maybe, she might be lead to believe that I had really changed! And when Nicole came back from her honeymoon she started telling me how great it was I had found you! A woman like you! And…that you are beautiful and so classy and so kind and such a funny, bright woman and…Oh Jesus, I didn't have the courage to tell them the truth, Sharon!"
Sharon's stare was emotional now, disappointment and frustration were leaving room to empathy and a certain hint of tenderness.
"Andy…this was one year ago… you have been lying to your family for one year! How do you think this may actually improve your relationship with them?! And you, you didn't tell me. I asked you, remember, when you invited me to the Nutcracker, last year, and you chose not to tell me! And I can even understand that but…you let one whole year pass without telling me. You let Nicole and you family… believe… we are a couple for one whole year now! As your friend I must tell you. It's time to tell Nicole the truth!"
"Yeah…I know…oh Jesus…" Andy passed his palms over his face and then returned to look into Sharon's eyes.
"You, we need to invite Nicole at your place and tell her about the real nature of our relationship, before we all go to the Nutcracker!" Sharon got closer to Andy and caressed his arm as a weak smile painted her lips, her brows contracting in an empathic sorry stare.
"Yeah, yeah…I think it's the right decision".
Andy pursed his lips and arched his brows as he looked at the ceiling and then down again to observe Sharon's expression. The caring loving sweetness that was shining through her eyes was excruciating- what a friend, what a woman.
Andy wasn't sure whether it was a sudden awareness or something that has been slowly burning down below but he realized now, not without a certain disturbing clarity, that it was time to be true, completely. Sharon was there caressing his arm, supporting him, helping him to see the right from wrong. She had proved to be the most amazing, comprehensive and loyal friend he had ever had and deserved. He wouldn't hide her anything anymore.
"And believe me Sharon I will…if…if that's what you want me to do, though…though I really want to be honest, with you, ok?" Sharon's eyes widened for an instant to then return their normal size again as she once more focused on Andy's words, her eyes in his. She nodded. Andy continued
"If I didn't tell Nicole the truth about…you know, us… maybe…it could be not just because I didn't want to disappoint her…" Andy let out a deep breath and looked at the ceiling again. Sharon's attention was even more caught, now.
"Sharon, what I'm trying to say is that…I really loved the idea, I really entertained the thought that a woman like you, that YOU, actually… might be my…girlfriend and…look, through this year I've experienced how great you are…mean…I already knew it but…now… Sharon, now I… I really love spending time with you…sharing my life with you and sharing yours… I really love you and I was hoping that maybe…we wouldn't need to talk to Nicole because… you and I may really be… more than… just good friends. Sharon, I think I've already overstepped that line…I think of you the way a friend doesn't…I, I suddenly find myself smelling your hair when we hug or greet after our dinners and stuff…I look at you and my breath is caught by the sight of your… beauty and sweetness. When you graze my hand I feel butterflies in my stomach, Oh God this may sound silly but I…I was wondering if we… we might go to the Nutcracker together thinking of each other as more than a friend" Andy waited and told himself he would be strong enough to bear Sharon's reaction in case it wouldn't fulfill his wishes . Suddenly, however, he felt the urge to speak again,. To fill the never-ending instant when Sharon was looking at him agape. Her hand suddenly stilled on his arm and then quickly withdrew.
Andy pursed his lips and let out a sigh, a bitter smile painted his face. Sharon was flabbergasted, he would say, and yet so beautiful. Her grace contrasting with the deep awkwardness of the moment. He felt sorry for her. He hadn't made her life easy that day.
"Listen Sharon. We don't need to talk about it now, ok? Just take all the time you need and when, and if you are ready, we'll talk about it. Just…just know please that I really care for you and your friendship and… whatever you want to do It will be alright with me, well…mostly' another bitter smile painted Andy's face. He nodded and caressed Sharon's head and cheek
"Andy…" Sharon choked. She was staring at him, she had finally managed to swallow down and her eyes gave all her emotions away. She was not prepared for this, she was…scared? Good job Andy, his inner voice complimented him.
"Hey…Look Sharon…really, don't worry…I understand ok? I'm sorry…I made you feel uneasy…just forget about it, ok? What matters to me it's your friendship, ok? I understand that I really upset you so…listen, you don't really have to come to the Nutcracker, ok? I will explain Nicole, don't worry…I will tell her the truth…and even if I won't have you by my side" Andy smiled again doing his best to look reassuring "I will take the consequences of my actions and will deal with them, like always so…if you're not going I will understand' Andy kissed Sharon on the forehead, turned and left her office.
Sharon was paralyzed, she couldn't bring herself to call Andy's name, to tell him to go back to her office and talk about this huge matter…she was not ready and she was feeling so…bad, bad in a way she had long forgotten and yet so intense, overwhelming. Home, she needed to go home and wait for Rusty and talk the evening through as if nothing had happened. With Rusty she would make it, to pretend it was everything alright. It would be easy to pretend it was just a regular day and if he asked about the Nutcracker and why she was not going, she would tell him the truth: Andy needed to talk to his daughter in private.
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"Hey, Sharon…you're alright?" Rusty was staring at her, at her exaggerated unconvincing smiled well painted on her face as she sipped her wine perched on a stool instead of sitting comfortably on the couch. Her tension was such, she felt aching inside. She felt upset by the memory of Andy's words, sight, stare and touch. Upset by her inability to talk, and mostly talk to him. She was scared too by the feeling that she was missing something important.
"Shouldn't you be dressing up? Lt Flynn will be here in 10? Right?"
Sharon's eyes suddenly gave her away and her forced smile fought not to implode into a pout, her eyes on the verge of tears . She didn't cry however, she controlled herself. She didn't want to cry in front of her son. Her son however didn't help her much
"Sharon…you look really distressed…Hey, I know you are the adult and I'm the kid, ok? But please, I know you the way you know me and…that- that smile…that expression, I mean… you are obviously feeling miserable… and you are obviously NOT going to the Nutcracker" Rusty's eyes landed on her office outfit and on her shoes dropped beneath the stool .
"Sharon… I don't want to be intrusive..ok? But even a baby would put two and two together and I really need you to know I'm there for you Sharon, ok? The way you are for me, I'm there for you. So, would you tell me what happened with…with…Andy?"
Sharon cleared her throat, inhaled deeply and smiled bitterly before she said
"He…uhm…let his daughter believe we're together" Sharon whispered and grimaced.
"Yeah?" Rusty smiled "well… and this is what upset you, really, Sharon?" Rusty arched his brows in disbelief.
"Well, he hid me the truth…" Sharon looked up awkwardly.
"Yeah…Sharon? I don't really think that's the real issue here…what really upset you…come on, what happened? Did-did you fight?"
"Of course not, Rusty…but one doesn't necessarily needs to fight to feel …upset…"
"Right…So…hidden truth but no fight…" Rusty's thoughtful face suddenly lit up "Oh my God Sharon…the real reason why he let his daughter think you two were together, well yeah, I mean…is it, is it because he actually would like the two of you to be together?! Right?"
Sharon looked up at Rusty before she dropped her head again, her chin on her chest. She nodded silently.
"He finally had the courage to tell you?!" Sharon head bumped up, she was agape.
"Rusty, what do you mean with 'finally'?"
'I mean… it was ABOU TIME, Sharon! I mean..it is just so obvious what's going on between you two that really…everybody realized that, everybody but you two! No surprise Nicole believed you were together…I mean, have you ever seen you two when together? I wish I had a camera! Doc Morales said that even the morgue is filled with romance, thumping hearts , sparkling stares, fluttering lashes when you two are in there …" Rusty repressed a giggle but couldn't help grinning wide at the sight of Sharon violently blushing.
"W-what? Did Doc Morales really say so?" Sharon had regained energy and had jumped to her bare feet now.
"Yeah…and really Sharon…there is so much evidence… that you two are… well beyond friendship that bets in the murder room are not on 'if' but on 'when', you two will take action!"
"Rusty!" Sharon was agape and her cheeks were almost purple now.
"Sharon! What?" Rusty was not letting it go, no way.
"I-I don't think appropriate to continue this conv…"
"And I don't think appropriate to continue like this…Sharon, live please! Lt Flynn…Andy loves you and you love him…so, live! Be happy or at least take this chance to be happy…you really deserve it…was it unexpected? Sure, like I was! But I was a 'miracle', and I was not exactly nice to you when I entered your life, right? That man, Andy, loves you…he is really really a good guy Sharon…and"
Sharon opened her mouth to contest but Rusty didn't leave her the time to
"You love him Sharon, or something really close to it. You are happy when together, even, even at the morgue, ok?" Rusty grinned "Go to your bedroom pick up the red fancy dress you bought for tonight and go to the Nutcracker, to Andy!" Rusty observed Sharon's expression turning from agape to thoughtful, to sweet to determined…
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"I'm really sorry Sharon didn't make it, dad! Dad? Are you alright?" Nicole patted Andy's arm.
"Sure Nicky. Well, you know it's been a pretty tough day for Sharon…" Andy smiled unconvincingly.
"Oh you should have told me, dad! You should have stayed with her then!"
"Oh no…not really… Look, Nicole, I…I have something to tell you about Sharon and me'" Andy let out a deep breath.
Nicole face went dark.
"Oh dad, no…don't tell me you and Sharon…"
"No, no Nicky…we didn't …" Andy smiled bitterly then inhaled deeply "we didn't because…we've never been…"
"Sharon!" Nicole's face lit up as she raised on her toes and waved at
"Sharon? Sharon…"Andy choked as he turned and took sight of her. She was smiling, her stare giving away a little cute uneasiness, only for an instant, the instant Andy's eyes met hers.
"Andy…Nicole…" Sharon whispered, never looking away from Andy's eyes.
"You, you came…" Andy smiled, emotions making his voice rough. Sharon nodded smiling back at him.
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Andy had no idea of what he had seen that night. Even if the dancers had left the stage or the orchestra had stopped playing, he wouldn't have realized.
He had been holding Sharon's hand tight in his…he had been watching the marvel sitting next to him, feeling so happy to have her there smiling at him, letting him hold her hand, holding his back. He couldn't ask for anything more, could he?
Nicole had greeted them both almost in a hurry after the show, evidently eager to leave them alone. Andy winked at her mouthing thank you as she walked away, her thumb up. Whatever had happened and was going on between them…they obviously needed and wanted to be alone, together.
"I'll escort you to your car" Andy smiled as Sharon grabbed his arm.
"Actually…I took a taxi" Sharon purred "I was hoping we might have that talk…as you drive me home…"
"Really? I mean, really! Sure!" Sharon nodded. Andy grinned widely.
"First of all, let me tell you that I am here as your friend" Sharon smiled as they walked slowly towards Andy's car.
Andy felt disappointment burn in his stomach and lungs. He smiled however. Sharon was there for him, regardless.
"As a friend who wants you to know that, no matter what the other people think about you, loves you much and finds that you are an incredibly generous and sweet man. A friend that really finds you bold and admires your determination to fix up things with your children. Even if that costs you and exposes you to humiliation and distress. I see your generous heart, so full of love for your children. And I want to tell you this" Sharon stopped and looked Andy into the eye "you don't need me nor any other woman, to make you appear the awesome man you already and actually are, Andy Flynn" .
Andy was agape . He smiled at the intensity of Sharon's stare as he shook his head to himself, wondering what he had done so right to deserve Sharon as a friend. He looked into her eyes as she put her hands on his arms and continued
"Andy…your daughter loves you and wants you to be part of her life. And this has nothing to do with me. This has only to do with you. I'm so sorry…so sorry I have never told you before. You are an amazing man, Andy and I am honored to be your friend…but' Sharon dropped her head to collect the strength to actually say the words that had been echoing in her mind.
"Listen Sharon…" Andy started
"No. Andy no, I need to tell you and you…you have the right to know…ok?" Sharon looked up at Andy again.
"Ok" Andy prepared himself to hear her say the words I-want-only-be-your-friend
"I want more…" Sharon whispered, her voice abandoning her, caught by emotions.
"More?" Andy asked stunned, after an instant of uncertain silence.
Sharon nodded smiling shyly at him.
"You mean more, the way I meant more, right? I mean, before in your office…THAT kind of more, right?" Andy eyes were wide and his face red-colored by the sudden, unexpected words Sharon whispered.
"Yes, that kind of more" Sharon smiled sweetly "and for the record…if a woman like me wants MORE from a man like you…it's only because of you…and not of the lovely daughter you have…" She teased.
Andy grinned. He wondered if Sharon's voice had ever been sultrier, her smile sweeter and yet her stare hotter. He swallowed hard and nodded.
"I've got you" Andy whispered as he smiled and his hand caressed her cheek, resting his palm there. Sharon closed her eyes, only for an instant, to enjoy the sweet sensation of Andy's touch.
"I've got you" he whispered again, his lips grazing hers, his eyes dark, yet sparkling, piercing, fixed on hers.
"Yeah…you've got me…" Sharon's voice was just a whisper. She closed her eyes . She felt her body and limbs liquefy as Andy's wrapped her around. He deepened his gentle kiss with sweet passionate vigour. She let him accomplish his purpose. Eagerly.