I was thrown back into a life of heartache when the Doctor left me. He'd taken me back home but insisted I stay as us being together was impossible and hard enough for him. But where did that leave me? He was selfish! It didn't matter to me that I'd grow old because I knew that I'd die happy beside him. He was only thinking of himself here – it would cause him more pain.
Night after night I lay in bed, clutching my old childhood teddy bear, trying desperately to curb the tears. But they always came. In my head I began re-playing all the times we'd laughed together, been intimate and shared stories. His were always the best. I loved to hear of the Doctor's escapades back on Gallifrey when he was young, but when it came to why he left, he always went quiet. Only once did he tell me what happened, and I knew it best to not come back to the matter. His past was his past and he wanted to keep it there. Sometimes the pain in his eyes when he was forced to remember scared me. His personality shifted in those moments and he became someone I no longer knew. He became the old Doctor, the Time War Doctor. Not my Doctor. When we tell others that we were like a different person years ago when we did something we began to regret...that was literal for the Doctor; he really was a different person. All he told me was that he'd done something he regretted terribly and had tried to forget. One thing was straight in my mind: I would never judge him. He may have committed a terrible act, but in his mind it was the right choice.
I tried to keep as much information as I could from my roommate, Natalie's, ears. To her I'd just been going about my usual business as we didn't live in one another's back pockets and the Doctor was able to make it look as though I'd only been away for a couple of days maximum at a time. In actual fact I'd been gone off and on now for around a year. Our 'relationship' of sorts had only lasted about six weeks, and then he'd had 'the talk' with me about how things couldn't go beyond what they'd turned out as. I'd cried myself to sleep for four nights in a row on board the TARDIS before he finally decided that I needed to come back home. Through his eyes none of it was doing me any good. But why couldn't he see that being away from him was even worse? I don't think the Doctor ever realised how much joy he brought to people's run of the mill lives. I'd never been a person to thrive on self pity, but my life had been deserted of much meaning until he'd arrived.
Six months passed and I never received word from him. It had been on a warm June night that he'd said goodbye to me, placing one last kiss on my cheek. And I'd seen him linger there for an extra second. His eyes, oh those eyes, had glazed over with unshed tears. And then he turned away, returning to the TARDIS.
I tried as best as I could to get back into the normal swing of things. I began a new job working in HMV, a film and music shop. Every young man that passed through the doors I prayed was him. However, gradually I began to strike up a friendship with a colleague called Luke. He was pleasant enough and we laughed through our lunch break, but the amusement was nowhere near as side splitting as it'd been with the Doctor. Most of our jokes were centred on TV shows like Mock the Week and Red Dwarf which we both shared a mutual liking of.
One day he asked me out of the blue why I always looked lost. He'd said how he'd notice me keep looking towards the doors of the shop as if waiting for someone to come by. I didn't answer and implied it was his imagination. How could I explain all of that to him? The idea of time travel and extra terrestrial life had blown my mind upon discovering it and, in all honesty, the Doctor had just been a deranged man in my mind at first. That was exactly how I'd appear to Luke if I had to explain everything. Yes, I'm in love with a time travelling alien with two hearts from the planet Gallifrey who can also change his face. Talk about making a good impression with someone.
Gradually I let Luke take me out and things become more along the lines of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. He was only one year younger than me, but we liked similar music, films and even had a shared interest in art. But my love for the Doctor would never, ever fade. I even let Luke make love to me, but it was meaningless in my mind. I went through the motions of loving someone to try and cover the loss of the one who truly had my heart.
Just before Christmas, I was on the bus coming back home from work. As usual, I let the music blasting in my ears carry me away. At work I was always on edge, but when I had my music it was like nothing else mattered. I never even realised when someone sat next to me and bumped into my leg.
I was just about to reciprocate on an apology when I looked beside me to see him. I was completely speechless as he looked at me with a gentle smile on his face.
"Hello, Sarah," he said softly.
Never answering and with my heart about to break out of my ribcage, I got up from my seat, signalling to be let off the vehicle. I couldn't believe how he'd gone from dropping me back into this 'normal' life with a broken heart and then decided to just walk back in with no word of warning. Irritation and then anger began to burn inside me. How dare he do this to me!
I trudged up the street with the Doctor in close pursuit apologising for his actions.
"Sarah, I've told you that I'm sorry for what I did," he called out.
I stopped, rubbed my hand down my face and turned towards him. He was so beautiful and I had to stop myself doing something stupid like throwing my arms around him.
"No, you're not sorry, Doctor. You're not sorry for anything you do. All you do is break people's hearts, dump them and expect them to get on with their lives as though you never existed. Well, it doesn't work like that. You offer the universe on a plate to anyone who accepts it and then once you're done just fly away again in the TARDIS, leaving nothing but pain. You're not sorry," I defended bitterly. "Not one bit! How long has it been for you since we last saw each other?"
The Doctor looked down embarrassed. "A month...thereabouts."
"It's been six for me!" I shouted. "I've had to work on my life again. I have a job...a boyfriend."
I saw the change of expression upon the word 'boyfriend'.
"Yeah, I thought that'd get your attention," I scoffed bitterly.
I carried on walking quickly, trying not to look back behind me. But it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I knew I had to stand by my principles and not stand down. It wasn't fair at all what he'd put me through and now stood in front of me apologising for everything when I'd had to live through five extra months than he had.
I indeed kept on walking and never looked back until I'd reached the end of the street and he'd already disappeared. There, in the street, I wept. I loved him so damn much and I didn't want to feel it anymore. I began praying for the love to be ripped out of me. I didn't want to love him anymore.
Back at home, after a near half an hour walk due to getting off the bus early, I went straight to my room. I dropped my work bag down on the floor, but then I saw something sitting on the bedside table. It was a packet of Jammie Dodgers and next to them a cup of hot tea.
"Doctor," I whispered. "Please come back."
Suddenly there was a knock at the front door. Could it be? Of course with him anything was possible.
No. It was Luke.
"You alright, babe? I just tried to ring you but there was no answer," he said, being his usual concerned self.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just had a rough few days," I replied, wiping my eyes as if tired but in actual fact I was making sure all the tears had been dried.
"I thought maybe we could order a take away and watch a film," he proposed, looking at me with his big blue eyes.
I gave in, like I usually did, and agreed to watch a film. We sat eating Chinese while watching The Hobbit on Netflix. After a while Luke began trying to instigate a round of sex, but I didn't want any of it. I'd seen the Doctor today and that stirring had made me adamant that he was the only man I'd ever want...even if just for now. I couldn't keep going on with Luke the way I was.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" he asked angrily. "You've been nothing but pissed off the last week and I have no idea why. Fucking hell, Sarah, why bother? You're a moody bitch."
This was the first time that Luke had ever sworn at me. And what was it for? Just because he couldn't get his leg over. The Doctor would never have taken my lack of sexual desire out on me; he'd have accepted it and walked away, leaving me in peace. But this wasn't the Doctor. Unlike most human man, the Doctor wasn't domineering or pushy when it came to any kind of physical intimacy. He was a true gentleman in that respect.
"Leave, Luke...now!" I shouted. "I can't take any more of this so just go!"
Growling under his breath and cursing, he left, slamming the door behind him.
I took a large inhale and sank down onto the sofa, letting myself cry again. I'd thrown myself into a dead end relationship because I couldn't have the Doctor. Maybe I sounded obsessive, but no man, in my mind, would compare.
The door knocked and angrily I approached it, dragging it open, ready to throw a mouthful at Luke. But no, it was the Doctor.
"I wondered if I could have a cup of tea," he said, smiling boldly like a child. "A nice strong cup with..."
"One sugar," I replied, feeling the scowl drop from my face.
"You know me."
I walked into the flat, letting him close the door behind us. I didn't want to come over too needing of him so I walked into the kitchen and filled the kettle with water.
"No roommate, then?" he asked, standing in the doorway, looking around for emphasis.
"No, just us."
"Ooh, sounds fun. Maybe a sleepover?"
I couldn't help but laugh and fold my arms, looking at him. "I haven't laughed in ages, yet you walk back in, talk to me in that way you always do, smile your smile, and it all comes back."
"You're different," he said, the smile disappearing. "And I don't mean just because I've been gone, but you never had the spark in your eyes until you came with me."
He stepped towards me, being slightly taller and looked down into my eyes. He reached out and cupped my cheek in his hand and I couldn't help but close my eyes upon feeling his touch.
"I've missed you," I said and with that the tears flowed down my cheeks.
"Oh, my Sarah," he whispered. "Always my Sarah."
Quickly I pulled away and rubbed my face. "I'm sorry," I apologised, feeling an utter idiot for crying in front of him. Even though I'd done it before, this time seemed so different. It was almost as if I were meeting him again for the first time.
"No," he said, catching my hand in his. "Don't be sorry." He took our hands and looked at them, watching them lace together. "We're from different planets in different galaxies, with over a nine hundred year age gap and still our hands fit perfectly."
"People always say that age is just a number," I replied. "I think we're taking it to the extreme with it."
We both laughed. But then the laugher stopped as we kissed.
As they usually did, my hands wound up in his hair, while his hands curled around my waist. The kiss was gentle but then it gradually became deeper and I could hear the Doctor panting as his lips left mine and began trailing down my neck.
I felt my knees threaten to buckle under my weight as he eased me back against the sideboard. But the passion in the kiss died away, leaving him holding his head on my shoulder.
I sighed. "One day I'll be like all your past companions. You rarely talk about them. You forget them and that will be me eventually."
The Doctor looked at me and gradually his gaze drifted down and he cupped his hands together. "I don't forget. I just choose not to remember."
"That's the same thing!" I growled. "All of the others had things to go back to once they'd finished travelling with you, and I don't have anything. I'm not saying that to make you feel sorry for me, but it's true. I don't have anything here that would make me want to come back."
"Maybe we need to remedy that," the Doctor uttered softly and then smiled.
I sighed again in irritation. "You're not called the Doctor for nothing, eh?"
We had our cup of tea (whilst sharing a packet of Jammie Dodgers – the ones he'd left earlier in my room), but the air was tense. He was quiet and to the point that he only spoke when answering me.
"Are you going to be quiet with me?" I asked, looking over at him as he sat opposite me on the other side of the coffee table. "Makes me wonder why you came back."
"Sarah," he began, edging forward on the edge of the sofa. I just leaned back further into the armchair. "I'm not as care free as you think." And as he began to talk, his hands moved, emphasising his words. "People think I just pop up out of nowhere and make things better. That isn't wholly true. I lose people and I put them at risk every day by travelling with me. I'm selfish for putting you all through that just because I want to fulfil my own idea of self importance."
"Doctor, that's not true. You bless people by taking them with you. I've never loved my life as I should, but being with you, it made me be excited every morning I woke up and expect adventure. That's a gift."
"Sometimes I think my want to be needed by someone surpasses the real reason I do it." As he looked at me, his face had grown sadder. I couldn't understand why he felt like this. I adored being with him and he knew this. Why would he somehow feed on the pull that I felt towards him? Was this all it was? Did he just take people along with him to make himself feel important? He'd certainly never given me that impression.
"Why did you come back?" I asked outright. If he was going through all this explanation then why did he come back? If he just wanted a companion to make his life feel like it had more meaning, then why come back to me?
"You know deep down why I came back, Sarah," he replied.
"Do I?" I asked, slightly sarcastically.
Anger seemed to build in his face and his prominent jaw clenched. Then he turned and as he spoke, his tone was tinged with venom.
"I came back here for two reasons; one of them being because of the guilt on my shoulders for leaving you in the first place. The second...I really don't need to spell it out for you. You know me. I've never been the one to declare..." Then he stopped.
I got up and stood in front of him. His hands were cupped again. I put my own hands around his. And it was in that moment that I really did understand what he was trying to say.
"You don't need to say any more," I told him.
In my time of desperate need he'd returned to me and for me. And on that night, as the Christmas fairy lights twinkled from people's windows, I left home again. I ran hand in hand with the one man who could make all of my worries and insecurities disappear, and we left Earth in a blue box.
That night, armed with never ending cups of tea and packets of Jammie Dodgers, I felt my whole inner self smile again.