SAILOR MOON RULES!
Legal Disclaimers:
Sailor Moon® and all associated characters belong to Naoko Takeuchi, Toei Animation, DiC, Cloverway, Kid Rhino, and a bunch of other big companies. I don't own them, I don't claim to own them, I am EXPRESSLY making sure that everyone knows I don't own them! Every morning I open my window and lean out and yell "I DON'T OWN SAILOR MOON!" Because I don't. It's the truth. Don't sue me.
Jedi®, Light Sabers®, X-Wings® and the Force® all® belong® to® the® Star Wars® universe®, which® belongs® to® George® Lucas® (oops). I don't own Star Wars®, or anything from it. If I did, I'd have enough money not to be sitting at this computer writing Sailor Moon® fanfiction.
Monkey Island 4: Escape from Monkey Island® belongs to LucasArts, which also belongs to George Lucas. (He seems to own EVERYTHING!)
Sixteen-ton weights® belong to the ACME corporation, which I'm pretty sure belongs to Warner Brothers. If I make any references to Looney Toons® then they belong to WB too.
Rini® belongs to Neo-Queen Serenity and King Darien/Endymion. (Are you sure? Red eyes and a close relationship with Pluto make people wonder….)
Episode One: Nakimushi Usagi no karei naru henshin
(Several dub censors attack whoever wrote that title. Screams of pain and breaking of glass is heard in the background, while dubbers who have never seen the show and don't speak Japanese anyway come up with a new title.)
Episode One: Name, name, name! Everyone tries to come up with a cool name.
On the peaceful moon kingdom, inside a beautiful palace, a tall, silver-haired woman sat on her bed, with a dish of shining liquid beside her, and a small golden rod with a ring at the end in her hand. She twirled the rod around in her fingers for a moment, then, slowly and carefully, dipped the ringed end into the shimmering dish of water. Then, holding the ring before her face, she blew gently.
Soft, crescent-moon shaped bubbles floated out of the ring. Serenity giggled, and blew again, this time forming a cube-shaped bubble.
Then, she pouted, realizing that she couldn't tell anybody about this wicked-cool activity, because the little men in the long white coats would force her into the round, rubber room again, and make her wear the tight jacket that smelled funny. Mercury had explained to her several times that bubbles could only be round. She had explained that the air inside the bubbles would force the soap into a round shape.
But though Mercury was the expert on bubbles, Serenity wouldn't listen to her, and instead insisted upon blowing square bubbles. However, whenever she tried to explain to Mercury the way to accomplish this, the blue-haired freak would call the little men in white lab coats again.
She sighed, and stood up. The dish of water disappeared, as well as the golden rod, but that was alright. Serenity was used to things disappearing and reappearing without warning. She had gone through at least fifty different Moon Rods, Scepters, Wands, Tiaras, Boomerangs, Walking Sticks, Umbrellas, Spatulas, Knives, Spoons, Lamps, Sixteen-Ton Weights and other assorted weapons and cookware in her very long lifetime.
Serenity walked over to her dresser, upon which was a large mirror. She stared at her beautiful, smooth, white complexion for a moment, when suddenly…
POP! POP! POP! POP! Hundreds of little wrinkles exploded over the queen's face. She watched in fascination as she suddenly turned from a young and beautiful queen into an old hag. Nobody knew how old Serenity really was. However, with her white hair, she had to be pretty darn old.
"PLUTO!" Serenity shrieked, then collapsed in a fit of coughing.
The air shimmered a bit, and a tall green-haired woman appeared. She looked worriedly at her queen, who stared at her a moment, then started to giggle.
"What?" Pluto asked in annoyance.
"It's natural, it's natural," Serenity said in a nasal voice. Then, she burst out laughing again. "I'm sorry, but every time I see your hair…"
Pluto gave a long-suffering sigh. Then, she noticed her queen's usually smooth face now had more lines than a… a…a really wrinkled thing. "My queen, your face…"
"Yeah," Serenity said, patting her cheeks as she looked in the mirror. Her cheeks wobbled back and forth, as they were now drooping below her chin. "I need you to perform that time reversal thing, where it makes my skin as soft as it was back when I was a baby."
Pluto raised her staff slowly. "My queen, you do remember that when I do this, your brain is also reduced to that of a toddler's?"
"So? Ooh, that's pretty!" Serenity eyed Pluto's staff with jealousy. "Why can't I have a time staff? I mean, I'm queen of the universe, and I can't have a time staff! It's not faaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrr!" She started to sob. Pluto, just to shut her up, raised her staff. Serenity's skin started to glow green, then with a slurping sound was suddenly smooth again.
Pluto shook her head as Serenity began sucking her thumb. Then, her head snapped up. "My queen, I have something important to tell you."
"What?" Serenity asked, staring up at the older woman. Uh-oh, from the look on Trista's face, it was going to be something long, boring and hard to understand.
Pluto cleared her throat, and began to speak in a serious tone. "My queen, there comes a time in a soldier's life when she must face a danger so great, that-"
"Huh?"
"The darkness approaching now is vast enough to quench even the pure bright light of-"
"Huh?"
"With the flow of time comes the change of destiny, in which some destinies may be separated, or even ended altogether-"
"HUH?"
Pluto looked nervously at her watch, then raised her staff. "It was nice knowing you, kid," she muttered, before transporting herself to the Time Gate, where she would be eternally safe from everything except space allergies.
Serenity suddenly noticed that the sky outside had turned dark, and there were thousands of evil beings advancing on the castle. She started to call for her guards, when out of the corner of her eye she saw something so absolutely fascinating and fun that she couldn't' resist. The dish of soapy water had reappeared! She looked around for the ringed rod, but, not finding it, instead seized the Crescent Moon Wand, dipped it in the water, and blew an extremely big bubble.
Suddenly, the big bubble, (shaped, abnormally, like a sphere) split into hundreds of big bubbles, and lots of dead bodies started climbing into them and floating away.
"What?" Serenity asked helplessly (clueless-ly), as she saw everyone she loved float away.
"Serenity!" Two cats, one white and one black, entered the room, their eyes filled with worry.
"Luna! Artemis! What's going on?"
Luna and Artemis exchanged glances. "Well," Luna started to explain, "you see, Artemis and I had been searching the Lunar Libraries, and we found this big book of The Official Rules of Anime, which must be followed if this plot is going to get anywhere. As we flipped through it, we found out that we were a little lax on a lot of the major rules."
"Specifically Rule Number 133974," Artemis interrupted. "Any peaceful and happy time that seems without end must be destroyed or changed, unless it exists in an unknown future time."
"Meaning…" Serenity said, looking confused.
"Meaning that we had to invite Beryl to destroy this place."
"What?" Serenity stared about her with wild eyes. "But this is my pretty castle! I like my castle!"
Luna rolled her eyes. "Anyway, so now everybody was killed."
"But, isn't that bad?" Serenity asked.
"Oh, very bad. But fortunately, you used the Silver Crystal to make sure all the main characters would be transported into the future, so that they'll be alright."
"So, all in all, this isn't to bad." Artemis interjected.
"Oh goodie!" Serenity clapped her hands. Then, she frowned. "But why aren't we in the future?"
"Well, because you used the Silver Crystal, you're going to die." Luna stated.
"Rule 43261." Artemis echoed.
"B-b-but what about you two? Can't you save me?"
"Actually, we don't really have any magical powers except that we can talk." Artemis said matter-of-factly.
"However, we're really intelligent; at least, in comparison to those we have to work with," Luna said, nodding at the Queen, "and so we get to survive and become mentor-guardians for the main characters."
"Rule 2652: Anything that contains at least two of these three qualities: wisdom, beauty, and no power, and having a personality, gets to survive and help and guide the main characters." Artemis said, as he and Luna stepped into their freeze-drying kitty compartments. "And we have all three. However, you only have one. So we go to the future, you die."
"But, I don't want to die!" Serenity cried.
"Any character which uses an all-powerful attack, and lacks a personality, must surely die." Luna said, closing her compartment.
"Rule 23626-" Artemis didn't have time to finish as his compartment closed, and the two of them floated toward earth.
Serenity started to sob, even though nobody was around to hear it. Then, with a start, she noticed that Luna had dropped something. It appeared to be a large book. On the cover was the title, "RULES FOR ANIME."
Serenity started flipping through it rapidly, searching for a rule, any rule, which would let her live.
The palace started to break up around her, with lots of really cool visual effects and big exploding noises. Above it all, however, the Queen's maniacal laughter was heard, as she pointed at one sentence in the book.
"I've found it! I get to LIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEE!" She screamed, as the moon exploded.
An unknown yet large amount of time in the future…
Luna was happy. She had finally found a girl.
This girl was a crybaby, who was late all the time, who ate too much and complained, loudly, when she had a tummy ache, who spent all of her free time playing video games, who hated to study, and who never got a grade higher than 50 on her tests at school.
Of course, this was the obvious choice for someone to save the world.
At least, Luna thought so. Don't you agree with her?
So, Luna leaped into her bedroom window.
"Hello," she said mysteriously. "Do not be alarmed. I am Luna, guardian cat of the Moon Kingdom, from thousands of years ago. I have chosen you, Serena Tsuki --- erm, Serena, to become the champion of justice known as Sailor Moon, who will right wrongs and triumph over all evil using her magical powers that come from this special broach!" She expected some kind of reaction from the girl lying on the bed. Then, the girl rolled over and snored, loudly.
"Uck. WAKE UP!" Luna screeched in the girl's ear.
"Huh-what?" Serena jumped out of bed. "Sammy, was that you?"
"No, it's me." Luna said. "Do not-"
"Oh, Luna. Yeah, I heard you. You're the cat from the moon."
Luna blinked. "But, you were asleep!"
"Oh yeah, Olympic Marathon sleeping. I can hear other people while I'm asleep. I can do lots of things in my sleep. I even do my homework while I'm asleep!" Serena said brightly.
Luna sighed. "Gee, that's kinda what I was thinking…. Anyway, are you ready to fight evil?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Serena suddenly burst into wails. "I DON'T WANNA! DON'T MAKE ME! WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Calm down!" Luna sighed. "Here, listen. Just take this broach…" She did a flip in the air, and a magical broach appeared. Serena grabbed at it, not noticing that Luna had fallen on her head.
"Ooooh, pretty," Serena cooed, placing the broach on the front of her bow, where it somehow magnetically stuck. "Look at it, it's so nice."
"Now, to transform, say, 'Moon Prism Power, Make Up!'" Luna said enthusiastically.
"Makeup? Where?" Serena looked around quickly. "Oh boy, I love putting on makeup. Sammy says I look like a clown when I do, but I really do look sophisticated. I do. So, where is the makeup?"
Luna got a big sweatdrop on her head.
"Oh, weird! Here, let me towel you off." Serena produced a towel from under her bed, and proceeded to try and wipe the sweat from Luna's head. "Hey, you know you have a bald spot on your forehead?"
"Listen to me," Luna said angrily. "Repeat after me. Moon Prism Power, Make up!"
"Makeup! Ooh, I love makeup! Blush, and lipstick, and lip liner, and eye shadow, and mascara, and…"
Luna facefaulted.
"Are you alright?" Serena asked, picking the cat up. "You shouldn't fall on your face like that, you could hurt yourself."
Luna's face started to twitch, as she growled to herself. Serena started to comment on Luna's muscle spasm, but the cat said slowly. "Repeat after me, and no questions!"
"After me, and no questions."
Luna ignored this. "Moon."
"Moon."
"Prism."
"Prism."
"Power."
"Power."
"Make up!"
"Where? Oh, here on my vanity." Serena started to apply foundation to her face. "I just love makeup, thanks for suggesting it!" Luna tried to sweat, face-fault and twitch all at once, resulting in her flying out the window. She returned in a moment, to be faced with a crying clown.
"WAAAAAAHHHH!" Serena the clown screamed, holding blush in one hand and eyeshadow in the other. "My magical kitty jumped out the window! And my face looks like a clown!"
Luna sighed. "How about this, how about you just say 'Moon.'"
"Moon," Serena dutifully repeated. A moment later, she was spinning around, and gloves and a miniskirt appeared. Once all her clothes had appeared, she struck an impressive pose.
"So, now you are the champion of justice known as Sailor Moon!" Luna shouted, proud tears in her eyes.
"Sailor Moon?" Serena asked. As soon as the second word left her lips, she started to spin once again. Her uniform disappeared, only to reappear once again. A moment later, she posed. "What was that?"
"I suppose we'll have to work on that transformation phrase," Luna muttered, then said loudly, "Now, are you ready to go fight evil?"
"Fight evil? You mean big, scary monsters? WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I DON'T WANNA FIGHT! I'M TOO SCARED!" She started to sob.
Luna sighed, chanting to herself mentally, "Rule 214270. Any character with a personality who doesn't become a hero or mentor/guardian must surely die."
Maybe death wasn't so bad.
Far off in the spooky Negaverse, a place with as much darkness, gloom, and despair as the censors at DiC would allow, a young man with short blonde hair bowed before a woman with long red hair. (Funny, how most everybody is identifiable by their hair alone? I mean, if I said a guy with short blonde hair it's either Jadeite or Andrew, you know?)
"So, what is our plan for taking over the world, my queen?" The blonde asked the woman, bowing slightly.
"RRRRAAAAAWWWWW!" She growled, pulling at the chain attached to her collar.
"Good girl, Miqueen. Here, have a treat." Jedi pushed aside the long brown cloak he wore, took off his boot and tossed it to the raging Miqueen, who started to gnaw voraciously on the leather. Jedi turned to his two friends, Neophyte and Malachite.
"I feel a tremor in the NegaForce," Jedi said darkly as he sat down next to Neophyte. "As if a thousand teenage girls cried out in joy, and then were suddenly bombarded with colored lights and loud noise."
"Ah, that's just residual energy readings from the Starlights concert," Kunzite grumbled.
"Oh man, you mean we forgot to buy tickets?" Jedi exclaimed. "Rats!"
"Speaking of which," Neophyte grumbled as the door opened.
A general with a blond ponytail stepped into the room, smiling. "Hey guys, guess what? In this version, I'm a girl!" Zoicite smiled sweetly.
Neophyte and Malachite looked at each other briefly, then both started up. However, Kunzite reached Zoicite first.
"Here, let me help you into your chair," he said gallantly. Zoicite blushed and giggled, while Neophyte snapped his fingers in an 'Aw, shucks,' gesture. He sat down next to Jedi again, sighing in disgust.
"What's up?" Jedi asked confusedly, staring from the triumphant Malachite to the dismayed Neophyte. "I thought you hated Zoicite."
"Well, that was when she- er, he- um… That was when it was a guy."
An grating laugh echoed through the room. "Doesn't sound like she-he-it has changed much," Jedi said. "Why do you want a girlfriend anyway?"
"Because it's in the rules." Neophyte pulled out his amazingly large copy of The Official Rules Of Anime. "Rule Number 31535, under the subject of Villain Etiquette. Any villain expressing emotions usually hated by evil, such as love or affection," Neophyte winced as he said the words, "will get to survive longer than the rest of the villains."
"Oh, wonderful," Jedi muttered. "Now one of US has to start the plan of attack and get destroyed, and the other one will have to put up with Kunzite and Zoicite for the rest of their short lives."
The two looked at each other for a moment.
"I think I'll go start collecting energy," Neophyte said loudly standing up.
"No, *I* will go first, you stay here," Jedi interrupted him.
"I'M going first!"
"No, I'M going!"
"I'm more powerful anyway, so I get to go- eep," Neophyte realized his mistake at once.
"SEE!" Jedi laughed and pointed at the book of rules. "Rule 31532 clearly states that all villains must attack in order from weakest to strongest, to give their opponents time to gain power-ups and allies."
"Oh, da-"
"Watch it!"
"Darn. That's what I was going to say. Darn." Neophyte quickly searched the room with his eyes then, satisfied that the censors hadn't caught his near slip, turned back to Jedi. "I guess the mission is yours then."
"What is the mission anyway?" Jedi asked.
"To gather energy."
"Oh." Long pause. "What do you mean by 'energy'?"
"It's this kind of white foggy looking stuff that's inside all humans, especially when they're really active and stuff." Neophyte explained.
"Oh." Another long pause. "How are we going to get it?"
"Well, um, sometimes we have these, um, big sphere shaped thingies that somehow suck it up, and sometimes our youm- er, Negamonsters do it for us."
"Oh." Yet another long pause. "Why are we gathering energy?"
Neophyte's cheek twitched. "To help us take over the universe."
"Oh." Still yet another long pause. "Um, how will gathering white foggy looking stuff help us take over the universe?"
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Neophyte slapped his hands over his ears. "LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, LA LA LA!"
"HA!" Malachite rushed over, pulling out his copy of The Official Rules of Anime. "See, you just broke rule number 35721 A, under Villain Etiquette! 'Villains must never, ever, EVER sing!"
"I wasn't singing!" Neophyte cried, frantically flipping through the pages of his own copy of the book. "I was humming! I was whistling! I was choking! I wasn't singing, I swear!"
Slowly he started to dissolve away into the negative universe of Anime Rule Inconsistencies. "WAIT!" He pointed to the page, a triumphant look upon his face. "See? Rule 35721 B. 'The exception to above rule is putting your hands over your ears and saying LA LA LA CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Immediately his missing body parts fizzled back into existence. He slammed the book shut with a grin, which turned into a wince of pain, as he had shut the book on his fingers.
While Neophyte extricated his fingers from the extremely heavy book, Jedi raised his light saber.
"I'm going to go to Earth, to start my plan for gathering human energy," Jedi said loudly. "If anything happens while I'm gone, just use the Force, because it will guide you." He then pulled out a little thing with a button on it, and pressed the button. An X-Wing flew by, and Jedi quickly hopped into the open cockpit. A moment later, the spaceship had blasted out of the Negaverse into hyperspeed.
Meanwhile, in the normal universe…
Luna had finally compromised with her meatball-headed charge: She wouldn't have to fight evil unless one of her close friends or acquaintances was in danger. (Heh heh). So, they were just walking out of Serena's bedroom, when suddenly,
"HEY SERENA!" Sammy yelled, walking out of his bedroom.
"Yipes!" Serena squeaked, but it was too late. Sammy had seen her. He stared at her in confusion.
"Who're you?"
"You mean, you don't recognize me?" Serena asked, then blushed. "Oops, no, of course I'm not Serena. I mean, who in the world would think I was Serena? Of course you don't recognize me." She rubbed the back of her neck in embarrassment.
"Who are you?" Sammy asked, smiling at Sailor Moon. After all, it's not every day you get confronted by a beautiful girl in a miniskirt. He tried to look very macho and intelligent.
"Um, I'm the champion of justice, Sailor Moon!" As soon as she said the word 'moon,' her transformation sequence started up again. After she had held her dramatic pose for a moment, she stared at Sammy, who hadn't seemed to notice the colored flashing lights and her spinning around and glowing.
"Didn't you notice that?" Sailor Moon asked, waving her hand in front of the boy's face.
"He's an innocent bystander," Luna chimed in helpfully. "He can't notice small details like transformation sequences and talking cats, etc. It's in the rules."
"What rules?"
Luna sighed, and pulled out of her pocket the large book which could only be….
"The R- rulls, um, rull-es, um," Serena tried to sound out the words.
"It says, 'The Rules of Anime," Sammy helped her. Then, he blushed. "Oops, I'm sorry, I'm overstepping my boundaries as a secondary character." He rushed away, and Luna blew a raspberry in his direction.
"Good riddance," she mumbled, then turned back to Sailor Moon. "It says, 'The Rules of Anime.' It's the official book."
"Wicked cool!" Sailor Moon said with a grin. "Lemme see."
At that moment, a scream pierced the air.
"Gee, that sounded like Molly!" Sailor Moon gasped.
"How can you tell?" Luna asked, puzzled. "I mean, number one all we heard was a scream. Number two, isn't it very unlikely that the one person in town who's your best friend is getting attacked just seconds after I give you your powers?"
"HALP ME! DA' MONSTA'S GONNA AIT ME!"
"That's Molly, alright." Serena sighed. "After all this is Japan… Er, this isn't Jersey. She really needs to stop talking like that. I've told her time and time again…"
Serena keeps detailing her entire friendship with Molly, while Luna snores and screams and explosions go on in the background.
Jedi brings out his light saber. "I just KNOW she'll show up soon," he mumbles.
The monster taps its foot impatiently. "Listen, I'm booked for a eppy of Power Rangers in twenty minutes. If nothing happens soon, I'm leaving. I should be getting paid overtime for this," it snarled, and pointed to the scattered drained bodies, broken jewelry cases and other signs of carnage. For some reason, it still held a struggling Molly in its grasp.
"PUT ME DOWN YA' MONSTA'! HALP!" She screamed, kicking and slapping at the monster. It sighed, and made its grip around her neck tighter, hoping to shut the awful accent up. However, Molly was a strong girl, (and Molly's voice actress was stubborn as well as paid by the hour,) and she kept screaming and struggling.
Jedi yawned. "Well, tell me how it all turns out, OK?" He then leaped into his X-Wing, and flew off.
The monster sighed, watching its master fly away. "So he gets to get away from this awful voice and I have to stay here." It threw Molly against a wall, where she sat and hugged her knees, still screaming at the top of her lungs.
"Hold it right there!" Sailor Moon shouted, standing in the window. After a moment, when neither the monster nor the screaming girl noticed her, she realized it was because there was a huge, soundproof pane of glass in the window. She sighed, tried to jump back to the ground, and tripped over her own feet, and splatted to the ground.
Luna's forehead was covered in little sweatdrops.
"You really should stay a little cooler, Luna, if you're sweating like that," Sailor Moon chided the cat as she got up and started wiping Luna's face with her bow.
Luna ducked out from under her arms. "How about you try the door, Sailor Moon?"
"What a great idea!" Serena grabbed the door to the jewelry store off its hinges, and hit Luna with it on the head. A moment later, she picked it up and peered at the small cat squashed underneath. "Gee, Luna, I don't think that did anything for your sweating problem… It just made you look like a pancake."
"I meant go through the door," Luna muttered. "Not hit me with it. Go through the door."
Sailor Moon blinked at her a couple times. "Oh." She dropped the door, back on top of her small cat, turned, and walked into the jewelry store. "Hold it right there!" She shouted at the monster.
The monster, who had been sitting back in a lawn chair and eating popcorn while watching the little scene between the girl and her cat, sprang up, and asked, in a snarling voice, "Who are you?"
Molly stopped screaming a moment and sighed loudly. "You jus' had t'ask," she moaned.
Sailor Moon's face lit up with a big smile. "CHAMPION OF LOVE AND JUSTICE!" She said loudly, everything behind her fading away to a bluish background filled with rabbits and moons. "SAILOR FUKU BISHOUJO SENSHI!"
"English, English, English!" A flat Luna advised, crawling in behind the girl.
"What's English?" Serena asked, turning around to stare at the cat.
"Er, I mean Japa- no, um…" Luna sighed. "Stick to the dub language, OK?"
"Which is?" Molly muttered again, but everyone ignored her.
Serena nodded, the bright familiar gleam of incomprehension in her eyes. "Oksey-dokesy." She turned back to the monster, who was waiting patiently with her- er, his… ITS hands on its hips. "I am the champion of love and justice known as Sailor Moon! I won't allow you to hurt my best friend even though she talks with a really weird accent, or rob jewelry stores, because jewels are really pretty, especially rhinestones, and I wish I had a rhinestone in my tiara thingy but I don't, I just have this weird red jewel, and red is kind of nice but I like pink better, and that's the color of my blanket in my room!"
The monster stared at her, slack-jawed. "Do you realize you said all that in about three seconds without moving your mouth?"
Serena just grinned. "Yeah, isn't that neat?" she said without moving her mouth again.
"Well, despite the brilliant introduction," the monster started to say.
"Thanks!" Serena interjected.
"I still don't know who you are!"
"Oh." Serena looked down at herself for a moment, then turned back to Luna. "Who am I again?"
"Sailor Moon!" Luna hissed.
"SAILOR MOON!" Serena yelled at the monster. A moment later, her transformation sequence started up again.
The monster smiled evilly. "Who are you again?"
Once Serena stopped spinning, she said again, loudly, "Sailor Moon!" She immediately started spinning again.
"Who?"
"Sailor…" Serena gulped, "Moon?" More spinning.
"Who?"
"Sailor Moon…" Again, Serena's uniform disappeared as she retransformed. When she stopped gyrating madly, she tried to strike her pose, but instead turned dull green and wobbled around.
"Who?"
"Ug…" Serena slapped both hands over her mouth, "This is making me dizzy."
Luna, thinking quickly, shouted out, "The only name you need to call her is Sailor! For she is the Sailor from the… Big white orb in the sky that will save us all and destroy you! She is SAILOR!"
"That's right!" The Sailor formerly known as Moon, ("Augh," Molly muttered, "dat's na' even close ta' funny.") turned back to the monster, and said loudly, "I'm SAILOR! And in the name of… that thingy I represent, I will punish you!"
The monster applauded.
"Thank you, thank you," Sailor bowed, and as she did, the monster shot a huge blast of energy at her. With well coordinated movement, skill, and years of Senshi training, Sailor would have dodged the blast; however, she had none of these things, and therefore got blasted against the wall.
"Ouch!" She cried. "That hurt!"
"Ha ha, now I'll destroy you completely!" The monster shot another huge energy blast at her, but suddenly…
TWANG! A rubber duckie bounced onto the energy blast, completely destroying it.
"What?" The attention of both Sailor and the monster was directed toward the window. Apparently, someone standing beyond the pane of glass was speaking, but nobody could understand what he was saying, as he was outside the building. (How he managed to throw the duckie from outside the closed window is beyond me.) He crossed his arms, then, with a sigh, jumped down (more gracefully than Sailor had) and stomped through the door.
"Who are you?" Sailor asked. After exercising her powers of perception quite vigorously, she realized that the one who had saved her was male. Hearts immediately appeared in her eyes.
"I am Shirt Pants Jacket Hat Cape Mask!" The man said, smiling down at Sailor. "And I will always be there to save you, Sailor Moon."
"But I'm just Sailor, I'm not Sailor Moon an-" She was cut off, as she had to start spinning as her uniform disappeared once more. This time, she didn't bother to try to strike a pose, but instead wobbled and tottered out the door. Shirt Pants Jacket Hat Cape Mask turned a bid red as the obvious sounds of throwing up were heard.
Sailor reentered the building, wiping her mouth on her white gloves. "So, who are you again?"
"I am Shirt Pants Jacket Hat Cape Mask! And I will always protect you, Sailor."
"Oh." She grinned. "Then you'll destroy this monster for me?" She pointed at the monster who, during this little conversation, had grown about three feet. Actually, three arms, all edged with razor-sharp claws.
S.P.J.H.C. Mask turned to stare at the monster. He looked back at Sailor, then back at the monster. "Well, Sailor, um…" He thought hard. Then, he said in a heroic voice, "You must learn to believe in yourself, Sailor, because only if you believe in yourself will your true strength shine through."
"Ahhh," Sailor sighed, hearts reappearing in her eyes. A moment later, she frowned. "Wait a minute, I thought you just said you'd protect me!"
"Bye!" With that, S.P.J.H.C Mask tried to jump out the window. However, as both of the super heroes had failed to realize, the window was still closed.
CRASH! The caped figure fell to the floor in a shower of broken glass.
"Shirt Jacket Hat Cape Mask!" Sailor screeched in agony.
"You forgot Pants," he groaned.
"Shirt Pants Jacket Hat Cape Mask!" she screeched in agony.
"Try saying that five times fast," Molly muttered.
"You monster! You'll pay for hurting my Shirt Cape Hat… um, Shirt Pants Hat, um… my hero!" Sailor cried with tears in her eyes, turning on the monster. She raised her hand, about to call up an all-powerful attack.
A few seconds of silence passed, in which nothing happened.
"Um," Sailor asked Luna sheepishly, "how will I destroy her?"
"Use your tiara! Throw it at her, and shout 'Moon Tia-'" Luna stopped talking as she realized that wouldn't work. "Shout 'Big White Orb In The Sky Tiara Magic!'"
Serena took off her tiara. "Big White Orb In The Sky Tiara Magic!" She yelled, while throwing the tiara at the monster.
However, while Sailor Moon had been shouting the name of her attack, the monster had intelligently decided to move out of the way.
"RULE-BREAKER!" Luna shouted.
"What?" The monster turned to look at the small cat, and immediately got hit in the face with a large, heavy book.
"You aren't allowed to dodge, or attack, while Sailor here is either making a speech or shouting the name of an attack!" Luna said triumphantly. "Rule number 32526."
The monster scowled. "Da-"
"Watch it!"
"Darn." The monster looked around, hoping its near slip would not be noticed; however, two near-slips in one episode was three too many. Wait a minute, I'm starting to add like Serena!
Anyway, the censors immediately deleted this monster.
"I DID IT!" Sailor started jumping up and down for joy. "I beat it!" Then she looked around. "What happened to Shirt Pants… um, the guy with the mask?"
Luna looked around. With the destruction of the monster, the broken window had repaired itself, the people were all waking up, and the jewelry store was set right again. Shirt Pants Jacket Hat Cape Mask was nowhere to be seen. However, a rubber duckie was left on the floor where he had been.
"Ahh, he's soooooooo dreamy," murmured Sailor, staring at the duckie. "So romantic."
"Let's get out of here!" Luna snarled.
"Why?"
"So you can end the episode and give us a moral message!"
"Alright!" Serena stalked out of the room.
"Attention e'eryone, Sailah 'as left da' buildin'!" Molly said sarcastically, struggling up. All the people who had been drained bodies just seconds before stood up and giggled. A giant crescent moon appeared and crushed them all, bringing a black screen with it.
Sailor Moon Says:
"Hiya! Isn't this so wicked cool! I'm a superhero, just like Sailor V! (Whom the author just realizes she forgot to mention. Da- er, darn.) Anyway, today's lesson is about friends. Friends are very good! You should be nice to them! And you should transform into a miniskirted superheroine when they're getting attacked by a monster from the Negaverse disguised as their parent! Sailor Moon says, hee hee!"
Japanese phrase for today:
"Baka yaroo!"
Translation:
"To all my faithful readers."