Assignment 11, Psychology task 1: Write about an important first

Word Count: 769

Piers doesn't even mean to say it.

He and Dudley are sitting on the swings in the park, passing a cigarette between them. The silence is heavy and suffocating, and Piers hates it. It's his own bloody fault things feel so strange now. He's spent so much time fighting with himself, tearing himself apart; now he can barely stand being around other people at all.

Dudley tucks the brown filter between his lips and inhales. As he passes the cigarette back to Piers, he lets out a puff of grey-white smoke. "What's eating you, mate?"

Piers accepts the cigarette, but he doesn't take a drag yet. He straightens his long legs, planting his feet firmly in the dirt and sighing. How can he even begin? There's a war going on inside his head, but he can't bring himself to mention it aloud. It's too terrible, and he's certain nothing good can come of it.

He presses his lips to the filter and breathes in, relishing the cool rush of menthol in his lungs. As he exhales, he drops what's left of the cigarette to the ground and quickly snuffs it out with his heel.

"Piers?"

They're best friends; he should be able to tell Dudley anything and everything, but he freezes. It's too dangerous. Knowing Dudley for years will mean nothing in the long run. Piers' truth can only end in flames.

He opens his mouth, ready to offer some bullshit excuse about how Max is struggling at his new job, or how school continues to leave him completely drained. Instead, without even thinking about it or trying to plan the right words, the truth spills from his thin lips.

"I'm gay."

He snaps his jaw shut, heart racing painfully in his chest. He can't believe he said that. It's the first time he's dared to say the words out loud. Dudley has always made it clear that he hates anything different, anything abnormal. His confession suddenly feels like a death wish.

And yet, there is no fallout. Dudley stares at him, pale eyes widening. He opens and closes his mouth several times, as though he can't quite find the words to say. After another failed attempt, he clears his throat and pushes a hand through his tidy hair, leaving the blond strands disheveled. "Wow," he manages to say as a dusty pink stains his cheeks.

Piers nods. This is good. Dudley usually responds to change with his fists. His calmness makes Piers relax ever so slightly.

"Who else knows?" Dudley asks. "Gordon? Dennis?"

Piers shakes his head. The thought of telling the others is terrifying. Dudley may be handling this well, but the others would never accept it. They've left boys bloody and broken for just suspecting they might be gay. If they actually had confirmation? Just thinking about it makes Piers' stomach knot painfully.

"You're the only one," he answers, his voice soft and strained. "You're the first."

The smile that twists Dudley's lips is surprising. He grins, revealing a row of pearly teeth. "Really? Max doesn't even know?" He pulls out another cigarette and lights it, earning a reproachful look from a mother who passes by with her two children. "I figured you told him everything."

Max would be thrilled, of course. One of the perks of having a gay cousin as a guardian is never having to worry about being kicked out of the house in a homophobic rage. "You don't hate me?"

Dudley is silent for several moments. Piers can't help but tense. What if Dudley thinks about it and decides Piers isn't worth keeping in his life? It isn't too late for those large hands to form ruthless fists that will bust Piers' lip and knock out his teeth.

"It might have bothered me once," he admits. "But that's changed. Last summer, I… I saw something that made me realize I need to fix myself and be more accepting."

Piers remembers. Dudley had never gone into the detail, but the change had been obvious.

"I just can't believe I'm your first."

Piers rolls his eyes and grabs the cigarette from his friend. "Christ, Dudley," he says with a snort. "It's not like I lost my virginity to you."

"No, but I'm the first person you came out to. That's pretty big."

Piers considers. He shrugs as he inhales before blowing out a haze of smoke. "I suppose it is."

The confession could have been his undoing. Instead, he feels more free than he's ever felt before. With a satisfied smile on his face, he passes the cigarette to Dudley. Everything would be okay.