The Tale of Xander Rabbit
By Marbh Go Deo
"Once upon a time, there were four little Rabbits, and their names were Flopsy,"(strangled shriek) "Mopsy," (terrified yelp) "Cotton-tail," (blood-curdling scream) "and Xander." (relieved sigh)
"Wait a minute. You were named after a bunny? Or maybe some fearless vengeance demon approached you in your rodent state and turned you into a human, except during the full moon? Oh, God. My boyfriend's a werebunny!!!" and with that, Anya (who else could it be?) broke down sobbing.
Xander gently closed the book he had been reading and put an arm around her. "Anya, hon," he said soothingly, "I told you. It's just a story. A fictional children's story. It's not real." (At this point, the ex-demon was thinking "That's what you said about Santa!") "Can I keep reading?" Anya nodded reluctantly, and Xander once more opened the book.
"They lived with their Mother in a sand bank, above the Hellmouth and underneath the root of a very big fir tree..."
"Now, my dears," said old Mrs. Rabbit one evening, "you may go into town or to the Bronze, but don't go into the graveyard. Your father had an accident there; he was turned into a vampire by Mr. Angel the evil Fox. Now run along, and don't get into mischief. I am going out."
Then old Mrs. Rabbit took a basket and her stake, and went through the wood to the grocery store. She bought a package of Twinkies and five Ho-Hos. (I thought they came in packages of two?)
Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cotton-tail, who were good little bunnies, went to the Bronze to gather blackberries (huh?); but Xander, who was very naughty, ran straight away to the graveyard, and hopped the fence!
First he sat on some headstones, then he skipped around a bit, humming Nerf Herder songs, and then he shot some pebbles at a stray cat, and then, feeling rather unhappy about his unsuccessful attempt to shoot the kitty, he went to look for the Slayer.
But round the corner of a crypt, whom should he meet but Mr. Angel!
Mr. Angel was standing up, sucking the blood from his latest victim, but he jumped up and ran after Xander, wearing an evil smirk and calling out maliciously, "Stop, breakfast!"
"Stop, breakfast? What kind of horrible dialogue is that?"
"So the rabbits aren't scary anymore?" Xander inquired.
"They're terrifying, but I know it will have a happy ending." Xander smiled at his girlfriend's positive speculation. "Angel will rip their throats out! It's the only logical solution," Anya reasoned, and Xander's smile turned into a disgusted frown. He continued reading.
"Xander was now most dreadfully frightened; he rushed all over the graveyard, for he had forgotten the way back to the fence..."
He lost one of his shoes among the Rabbit family plot, and the other shoe by Jenny the Gypsy Raven's grave. After losing them, he ran on his hands and knees and went faster, so that I think he might have got away altogether if he had not unfortunately run into an open grave, and got caught on some roots by the large buttons on his jacket. It was a blue jacket with brass buttons, quite new.
Xander gave himself up for lost, and shed big tears; but his sobs were overheard by some friendly sparrows, who flew to him in great excitement, and implored him to exert himself. (For those of you who are confused by the old-fashioned British terms, that meant, "they told him to try harder to get out of the grave".)
Mr. Angel came up with a net, which he intended to pop upon the top of Xander; but Xander climbed out just in time, leaving his jacket behind him, and rushed into the crypt, and jumped into a can. It would have been a beautiful thing to hide in, if it had not had so much blood in it.
Mr. Angel was quite sure that Xander was somewhere in the crypt, perhaps hidden underneath a flowerpot. (What? Angel can't have flowerpots lying around? Maybe he uses them to knock people out.) He began to turn them over carefully, looking under each.
Presently Xander sneezed- "Achoo!" (The actual book says "Kertyschoo," but that's just weird.) Mr. Angel was after him in no time, and tried to put his teeth into Xander, who jumped out of a hole in the wall, upsetting three bloodless bodies. The hole was too small for Mr. Angel, and he was tired of running after Xander. He went back to his killing.
Xander sat down to rest; he was out of breath and trembling with fright, and he had not the least idea which way to go. Also, he was very damp and bloody with sitting in that can.
After a long time he began to wander about...
"...going lippity, lippity, not very fast, and looking all round."
"Whoever wrote this needs to get themselves some new vocabulary."
"Anya, what have we said about interrupting?"
"I'm sorry, Xander, but 'lippity, lippity?'" At Xander's look of impatience she said, "Oh, fine, finish this stupid horror story."
"Thank you. Now where was I?"
"Xander was going 'lippity, lippity'," Anya offered helpfully.
"Right. He found a door in the wall, but it was locked, and it was too tall for a fat little Rabbit to hop over..."
An old mouse was running in and out under the rusty doorway, carrying roses and lilies to her family in the wood. Xander asked her the way to the gate, but she had such a large carnation in her mouth that she could not answer. She only shook her head at him. Xander began to cry.
Then he tried to find his way straight across the graveyard, but he became more and more puzzled. Presently, he came to a pit where Mr. Angel dumped meals he was done with. A blonde Slayer was staring at some vampires rummaging through the bodies; she sat very, very still, but now and then the stake she had her hand on twitched as if it were alive. Xander thought it best to go away without speaking to her; he had heard about Slayers from his best friend, Willow Bunny.
He went back towards the crypt, but suddenly, quite close to him, he heard the noise of bones breaking- cr-r-rack, crunch, crunch, crack. Xander scuttered underneath the bushes. But presently, as nothing happened, he came out, and climbed upon a gravestone, and peeped over. The first thing he saw was Mr. Angel beating someone. His back was turned towards Xander, and beyond him was the gate!
Xander got down very quietly off the headstone, and started running as fast as he could go, along a straight walk between some rows of graves. Mr. Angel caught sight of him at the corner, but Xander did not care. He jumped over the gate, and was safe at last in the wood outside the graveyard.
Mr. Angel hung up the little jacket and the shoes for a trophy to frighten off other vamps.
Xander never stopped running or looked behind him till he got home to the big fir tree. He was so tired that he flopped down upon the nice soft sand on the floor of the rabbit hole, and shut his eyes.
His mother was busy cooking; she wondered what he had done with his clothes. It was the second little jacket and pair of shoes that Xander had lost in a fortnight!
I am sorry to say that Xander was not very well during the rest of the evening. His mother put him to bed and made some chamomile tea; and she gave a dose of it to Xander!
"One tablespoonful to be taken at bedtime."
But Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cotton-tail had Twinkies and milk and blackberries (that they had gathered at the Bronze.........?) for supper.
Fin
"Xander? That was a really terrible ending. Those frightening bunnies could still be running free!"
"Well, Anya, it's a published book. What can you possibly do about it?" (Bad move, Xander.)
Anya's Alternate Ending
Xander got down very quietly off the headstone, and started running as fast as he could go, along a straight walk between some rows of graves. Mr. Angel caught sight of him at the corner, but Xander did not care. Xander should have thought more carefully. Mr. Angel easily outran him and brutally slaughtered Xander. Blood and guts flew everywhere. Mr. Angel jumped over the gate, and rushed to Xander's house, where he then killed all of the Rabbit family in much the same way he murdered Xander. The evil bunnies were no more, and a national holiday was declared to celebrate the heroism of Mr. Angel.
The End