Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor do I make any monetary profit from this work.
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He has perfected the art of leaving. With his teammates and Sensei showing him so well; he figures he had no choice but to.
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Jiraya is the first to go, one heavy morning in Rain, and there is not much to say about that. Orochimaru looks at his teammates; Tsunade-hime who is arguing and Jiraya standing still, arms crossed and grim smile slashed over his dirty face and then –
"_I am staying."
Jiraya doesn't ask if they will stay with him, nor does he wonder their opinions. Jiraya decides to stay; and where he could have taken them with him in his stillness, where he could have redeemed them too – he leaves and does not look back. For all Orochimaru and Tsunade are the ones to take off, limping from Hanzo's mercy and newly dubbed 'Sannin', it is Jiraya who leaves them. The irony escapes his teammates, perhaps, but not Orochimaru. To be the 'Sannin' is to be stronger together; greater as a whole than the sum of their parts – and yet only two thirds of their reality go home.
Jiraya leaves them in Rain. Orochimaru begins counting days then.
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Then, it's Sensei. There is war raging on and on and on – endless and unforgiving – and it is ever so easy for Sensei to disappear beneath the folds of a Kage hat. There are missions that keep them from the Village, worries that mar Sarutobi-sensei's face and soon enough it is strangers who stand either side of the Konohan hardwood desk. When Tsunade calls Sensei 'Hokage-sama' and the man does not correct her, Orochimaru realises it fully. They are sent on the Iwa front lines, already one man down before their departure, and by the time the remaining two thirds of the Sannin make it back; Sensei is not the man they left.
"_Dan is dead." Hokage-sama says; and Tsunade crumbles.
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'Luck be my Lady' Tsunade had once told him, before she had refined her Shosen and perfected the art of drinking without being drunk. 'Luck be my Lady'; and for the longest of times it had been, bringing all the three (six) of them home safely from missions. Luck was her Lady and her lover and her strength, keeping her in her bosom and showering Hime with gifts brighter than the sun. But Lady Luck had gone, and in doing so she had taken Tsunade with her. It is his fault, in a way, and yet not-his-fault-at-all and Orochimaru doesn't understand why they keep on leaving him behind. Is he simply not enough? Jiraya stays with the Ame Orphans rather than coming home, Sensei hides away behind paperwork and war talks and Tsunade – Tsunade who held his hand and kept him sane and reminded him that he had to eat to live, that yes he was human and flesh and bone and he needed to sleep and take care of himself better and 'honestly' she'd say 'have you ever heard of Vitamin D?' – Tsunade shattered and crumbled and died and it was all his fault. (Dan's death made the Princess weak, for all she tried to rise from it – but it was Nawaki's that ended Hime; and that was directly his fault.)
Nawaki dies, Shizune has no one and Tsunade can no longer bear the sight of her home. She goes, in the night, like a thief and a stranger and in shame, and when she goes she does not say goodbye. She leaves, but she takes all Orochimaru had with her. (She does not leave alone. Perhaps it's her own way of showing mercy and love, perhaps it's bitterness and jagged edges that tear at his skin and make him cry out, perhaps it's simply Tsunade being Tsunade. But, ultimately, she goes and does not bring him with her.)
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Orochimaru of the Sannin is twenty seven when he wakes, orphaned for a second time, and realises that he has been abandoned.
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'Please–pleaseplease'
Sometimes, he dreams.
'Please take me with you. I will make myself so small as to fit in your pocket. I will not speak, I will eat, I will laugh and smile and do whatever you say. Please–pleaseplease don't leave me behind it is so cold here why have you gone and taken the sun with you, please let me come with there is nowhere I cannot follow you know this we are greater together than alone please–pleaseplease let me come with please take me with you. You will not know I am here, I promise. I will be hidden and silent and small, so small as to be insignificant. I will speak if you ask it of me and stay quiet if you prefer, I will carry your hopes and bear your sadness, I will stand by your side or behind you or before you as you need it. Please take me with you please leave me not behind please I beg of you pleaseplease–please do not leave me here alone take me with you you are home and I am barren but together we can be something greater if you would just take me? I could stand in your shadow and disappear. I could echo back your words at you and never contradict. I could dance your tune and sing your thoughts and you'd never see me there. I could be so small as to fit in your pocket. Please–pleaseplease–take me with you.'
Sometimes, he dreams.
'Let me stay with you please. I can help – I can be redeemed too. I will stand by you and raise them too. I will teach them how to think and complement you and you don't have to say a thing, you don't have to ask it of me please just say I can stay with you. I can feed myself and heal somewhat and we don't have to do this alone, we shouldn't do this alone please we are greater together, don't you know it? Can you not see it? We are one and you and Tsunade are essential to me and if you were to stay and let us go, please, it would wreck us apart. We are young and unborn and if you were to open your fingers and let us slip through there would never be a happy ending. Please let us stay. Please let me stay – don't you know I love you? Can you not see how we wait, how we hope, can you not hear the fear in Tsunade's voice? Can you not see the pain in the way she speaks, how she loves you too, always has and always will and if you would only open your eyes and look you could have it all – oh we would stay if you would ask it of us, please ask it of us –please–pleaseplease you know you want to, you know you need us just as much as we need you don't be daft, don't be silly now you know this just like I do please don't make us wait. Please don't let us go. Please I beg of you. Let us stay with you. Let me stay with you. I will watch and I will be silent. I will laugh and it will sound honest. I will smile and it will light up your home. I will raise these children – with you–please–with you – I will help I want to help I want to stay together please don't break us apart. Please–please–please let me stay with you.'
He never did like to dream.
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Standing alone, Orochimaru learns, is tiring. His back is bare and cold, purple lonely without red nor green and he does not understand how the others do it. He forgets to eat, forgets to sleep, feels the edges of his mind fraying as he waits, and waits, and waits for his teammates to come back. Surely, he thinks, they will come back for him. Never have they left him alone in enemy territory before – though this is not enemy territory, is it? This is home and safe and Konoha, and it is cold and barren and lonely. Orochimaru would rather they had left him alone in enemy territory, because then he would have a right to be angry and vengeful. Instead they have left him behind, like he has become an idea too heavy to carry, an outgrown dream, a childhood memory; and he hates it. He hates them. (Except he doesn't, not really, because how can he hate the air he breathes, how can he hate the morning light, how can he hate and love at the same time?)
Orochimaru is left behind, alone and cold and Konoha is broken, for all it still stands. To be the Sannin is to be stronger together than apart, but Tsunade and Jiraya have left and what is he to do, now, but follow their leads? He will always belong to them, though he wishes he could be his instead. Then, he thinks, perhaps the pain wouldn't be so strong. Surely, he thinks, it would hurt less. He isn't sure, but lately he hasn't been sure of anything. Or rather, what he was sure of went and crumbled, his paradigms ripped from the reality he had put his faith in; and Orochimaru is unsure of everything. (Tsunade promised to always be there, and Jiraya said they'd stick it to the end, together; and he believed them. That makes him the fool.)
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Orochimaru leaves, because he thinks that, perhaps, if everyone's doing it, there has to be a reason. He leaves Konoha – though in order to leave there has to be something one is leaving from, and Orochimaru doesn't think there's anything left from him in the Leaf – but that's just him being pedantic (picky–fucking annoying) so he leaves Konoha and holds his breath. His first thought is that it's nice to be the one walking away, for once. That's it, though. (He frowns, and searches harder inside of himself.) The grass is no greener, the water is no clearer, the air is no fresher. Orochimaru feels almost betrayed. He had expected – something. Anything. Freedom, perhaps, thrill or even adrenaline. He had expected life to shatter and wrap around him, things to gain perspective and depth and perhaps he had even thought the world would suddenly seem more colourful, like green and red seeping back into the palette of his mind; but there is none of that. Just emptiness.
He wonders if this is also how Jiraya and Tsunade felt.
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Perhaps, in another world, this is the point where Orochimaru turns back. Perhaps, in another world where Konoha is not so cold, where someone has extended a hand and reached out to him, perhaps in another world where Sensei is not just a memory and comrades are not just faceless people on a mission; Orochimaru turns back and the world goes on spinning, none the wiser of the man who tasted freedom but chose home. Perhaps, in another world, Orochimaru has got something to leave from; and that holds him back.
But this world is not here.
Here, there is emptiness behind and before him. Here, there is coldness at his back, bare because it is brotherless, but there is also coldness along the path he is setting off on, and Orochimaru thinks it makes very little difference whether he stays or goes. He's already packed, he thinks, has already avoided the guards; to go back would feel anticlimactic. Wasted time. ("Stubborn" Tsunade said with fondness.) Orochimaru hates wasting time. Time is precious, because he has so little of it, but time spent without his teammates feels worthless. Orochimaru thinks he cannot understand that dichotomy – rather, he does not want to – but he gets it nonetheless. ("Freakishly smart" Jiraya would sometimes introduce him as. "Like a bloody Machine" he might have added, tone fond and betraying the harshness of his words.)
He has a choice between being alone surrounded by faceless comrades and going forward – alone, yes – but free of the shackles they would impose upon him. He has a choice between being human or becoming his own person, each mutually exclusive, and whilst humanity didn't seem like such a bother when his teammates were around to carry his chains with him; it holds little appeal now.
Orochimaru steps forward, well worn dust rising with each step, and the odd, idle thought crosses his mind. Will his teammates come running after him, now that he is the one to go?
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It will take him years before he stops thinking of himself in terms of them.
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Sannin, Sannin – well look at them now, he thinks. Look at them; shattered and broken and who has done this? Who has done this to them? Sannin, Hanzo called them, Sannin and he let them go though perhaps something broke during that fight, something shattered and none of them could mend it back. Tsunade drowns in alcohol and Jiraya in guilt and Orochimaru in loneliness – though they are all drowning, and it's almost like they are drowning together, so that's something, no? – and the Sannin, well; where are they? Orochimaru cannot see them. Orochimaru cannot find them.
Sannin, they said – the Sannins are broken. (Did they ever even exist?)
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At first it's obvious and he does his best to squash it, determined to leave all that he was in Konoha (like they left him behind; a mantle that had been outgrown, a burden lifted, a mistake hidden but never forgotten). At first it's "I wonder what Tsunade is doing." as he passes a bar or "Jiraya has been busy" when he sees a bookshop. It makes him angry when he catches himself thinking that, and so he does his best to ban it from his mind. He thinks he succeeds, but it simply becomes more devious.
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In between being empty and being cold, he hears that Jiraya comes back. The thought makes him laugh (toolate, toolatetoolate – always too late) and he wonders, for half a second, if they would have him back too; were he to leave his freedom behind and take up those chains willingly. The thought goes away quickly. Orochimaru can hold a grudge ("Stubborn" Tsunade said with fondness – and he chases the whimsical voice away. She no longer says it, because she left him too, left him behind and went and Orochimaru must never, ever forget that). Jiraya comes back, laughing sheepishly and expecting his teammates to greet him at the gates, and viciously Orochimaru hopes that the white-haired brat felt the same hollowness as he did when there was no one to welcome him home. (If he packs his bags that night, ready to go back if only Jiraya came to fetch him, if he packs his bags and sets his affairs in order and prepares himself to go home; well. No one has to know.)
Jiraya comes back, but neither Tsunade nor him are there to greet him, and Orochimaru sits down to wait. (Perhaps, in a gambling hotel somewhere, Tsunade does the same. Sannin, no?)
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Jiraya never comes for him. Orochimaru never stops waiting.
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Sannin, they called them – like a curse and a bad spell; it brought them rotten luck. Sannin. What a thought. What an idea. 'Mirage' Orochimaru thinks with triumph. The word had been nagging him for some time, just out of his reach, and the hollowness disappears for the barest of seconds as he relishes in having grasped the slippery concept. Mirage. Sannin. They were a mirage.
'No' he thinks with frustration. 'It's not quite right.' They were tangible for a while. Before. Not quite a mirage, but not quite a truth either.
He goes back to searching, emptier and lonelier than before. (Sannin, sanninsanninsannin – hush, hush please hush. Orochimaru thinks he cannot take this for much longer. The waiting is killing him.)
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Orochimaru does unpack his belongings, though, when months have gone by and he's slowly beginning to acknowledge that his teammate will never chase after him. He unpacks with a heavy feeling in his chest and his vision is a little bit blurry, but that's just his body being weary of living life on the run. Perhaps, Orochimaru thinks, it's time to try for immortality again. (He wonders if that might get his teammates to come running?)
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Orochimaru uses their words. It takes him a long time to realise what he's doing, so perhaps it's not a recent thing, but he starts noticing himself using their words, hears them come out of his mouth sometimes; and it terrifies him. It's like their ghosts loom over his shoulders, painful reminders of all his inadequacies, and Orochimaru hates them as much as he loves them.
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One day, Orochimaru looks at himself in the mirror. He's pale, and gaunt, and the marking around his eyes are etched in deeper purple thanks to the sleepless nights. He tries for a smile, something he hasn't done in a while without Jiraya's stupid jokes, but it looks more like a grimace. Orochimaru crinkles the corner of his eyes to make it seem more genuine. Now, he thinks, he looks demented.
Orochimaru stops trying to smile.
Let him be pale, he thinks. Let him be hungry and tired. Perhaps, then, if he is pale enough and tired enough and hungry enough, Tsunade might – ( – might come back? Somehow – but how? She's gone–gone–gone like she no longer cares – and perhaps she does, no longer care that is – and perhaps she's gone and never coming back but gosh pleasepleaseplease why cannot she hear him, why isn't she there why isn't she coming back Hime Hime Hime please Tsu-chan where are you?) Orochimaru halts his thoughts there. Tsunade has gone, and left him behind, and he's never been good at taking care of himself.
Let him be hungry, and tired, and pale. He's never heard of Vitamin D, his work is more important than food or sleep, and if she wanted him to take care of himself; well – she shouldn't have gone without taking him along, then. If he cannot be human, he thinks, then at least let him be immortal.
(Still, he waits. He will spend eternity waiting.)
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"_Orochimaru of the Sannin" someone breathes out reverently, and he stiffens. (Nononononono. He's more, but less perhaps, and anyway he's not just that. To condense him down to those four words – two if which are completely useless and yet vital, like his stupid teammates who no longer are his teammates or love him or even care to drag him back – to call him Sannin when he stands alone is to tie him back to the people he tries so hard to escape, and Orochimaru will not have that.) But he says nothing.
Orochimaru of the Sannin, they call him. The Snake Sannin.
(Please, he thinks a little desperately. Please make me stop waiting.)
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Their pernicious influence goes down to his very identity. Orochimaru describes himself through their words (through their voices and through their eyes, little whispers floating in his head that never give him a moment of rest. The barest hint of a laugh. He's going mad. He's gone mad; and they have done this to him. He ought to hate them for it, really, but hatred requires energy and focus and Orochimaru wants to be quite done with his teammates consuming him). He has to re-learn who he is before he can be free of them. "Cold" Jiraya called him. "Frigid bastard" he would amend, sometimes, if he was feeling vindictive. "Clever" Tsunade often replied without a thought – his staunchest supporter, always. "Ruthless" she might admit too. He liked the picture they painted with their words, liked the man they saw and learnt to become him, associated these words with himself and saw no need to correct them so long as they loved him so. (But do they love him now?)
And then they went, and left him behind, and Orochimaru hates those epithets. (Sannin–sannin–sannin – will he never learn? He has to stop waiting stop holding his breath stop letting them catch up because they aren't coming, neither of them are and he needs to get that through his pretty head; they are not coming back for him. They are gone. They have left him.) He has to unlearn these words – has to unlearn his teammates, really; he has to find himself without their filter, look inside rather than at their reflection. He has to learn to stop thinking "me" every time he hears these words. It's hard. But he must, he must because to remain is to break and to move on is to survive. (They taught him that, if nothing else).
It becomes his (new) first word. Survivor.
Orochimaru is that – and so much more – and he thinks it is as good a start as any to begin rebuilding himself.
(Sanninsanninsannin – )
Hush.
Their voices go quiet. Orochimaru smiles.
(He is a survivor, and he's made himself that; without their helps. He can stand brotherless, back bare, because he is a survivor and strong enough for three. He is his own person. And yet –)
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Sannin.
He never does get around to objecting when people say it.