Authors Notes: Everything belongs to Marvel and Fox though they may change their minds after reading this shambles. This is the result of a bout of food poisoning so its quality really is evident. Well, what can you do when you spend half your day sitting on the throne but come up with stupid ideas? A word of advice, stay away from curry.
We're in a nice pleasantly decorated room. There are a number of books on the wall and the general layout lets us know that we are in a study. The camera settles on a bald man behind a nice wooden desk. He turns to speak directly to the camera.
Charles Xavier:
Hello there. I'm Professor Charles Xavier, the founder, perhaps most important yet underwritten member of the X-Men. Some of you may have seen a version of me in the silver screen epic: The X-Men. Great wasn't it. Now I may not know much about economics but I do know that when a major motion picture studio has a hit, they milk that cow for every drop it's worth.
To that end the eggheads at Fox and Marvel banged heads to come up with this money-spinning winner: TV spin offs.
Now for those of you who haven't seen the motion picture Pulp Fiction, and its excellent explanation of TV pilots, let me recap. To make a television series, one is made which is called the pilot and is usually longer then a regular episode. On the strength of the pilot, the studio will make more episodes or will can it.
In the following half hour I plan to take a look at some of the shows that just didn't make it to the small screen. Come with me now as we enter the dramatic world of
The X-Men Cast Offs.
(Cue intro music and sequence – Bits taken from the film to entice the casual viewer -then fade)
Fade in
Charles Xavier:
The first show we will look at is that old TV staple, the odd couple detectives who start out hating each other but eventually grow to have a grudging respect for each other. Throw in a by-the-book sergeant and you have the recipe for action and adventure. In the following scene, we see the two interrogate a suspect.
Prepare for:
Due Southwest
The camera fades in to a small white room with a single table. Seated there is Bobby Drake, a young punk from the wrong side of the tracks. Logan (Logan) stands by a one-way mirror, watching as his partner, Slim (Scott Summers) goes to work on the young offender.
The Slim Man:
Listen, Bobby, we have people who can say they saw you there. Say that you were the one with the gun. You're over 18 now, right, you know what that means? It's no longer juve hall for you but the arena. That's tough.
Bobby:
(Speaking stiffly, obviously reading the lines from off camera)
You got nothing.
The Slim Man:
I got plenty. I've got probable cause, and that's all I need.
Bobby:
Good luck making that stick pencil neck.
The Slim Man:
Now, there's no need to be rude.
The camera focuses on Logan who rolls his eyes; clearly he's had enough of the soft approach.
Logan:
Out the way armature
He pushes The Slim Man roughly out of the way, then throws the table out of his way and picks up Bobby by the neck.
Listen here you little turd, I don't care if you did it or you didn't. I want a name and I want it now. I've got a six inch knife in my back pocket that I'm gonna use to poke out you tiny little brain if you don't give me a goddamn name.
The Slim Man rushes over to restrain Logan who's starting to froth at the mouth, his eyes filled with bloodlust. Bobby is babbling, his pants a wet mess.
The Slim Man:
Logan, calm down. Bobby, you better give us the names, I don't know how long I can hold him back.
Bobby:
(Who's doing a terrible job of acting scared)
I'll tell you anything…(blubber)…just keep that maniac away from me.
Logan backs off. Scott says something we don't hear. On the ground, Bobby almost brakes into giggles.
(Whispered)
He said he was going to poke me.
The camera cuts to the sergeant's (Senator Kelly) office where the two stand, being grilled by their superior.
Sergeant:
I don't what kind of law you practice up in Canada but down here that kind of stuff just doesn't cut it. I thought you were all supposed to be polite.
Logan:
You got me mixed up with the French Canadians.
Sergeant:
Oh. Well anyway, don't pull a stunt like that again. If I had my way you'd be thrown out on your ass. But as you got the result the Commissioner says you get to stay on. What are you standing there for, get out.
The two leave and stand by the office door.
The Slim Man:
Wow. He was really annoyed. I have to say that was the best working of good cop bad cop I've ever seen. I almost believed you had the knife. Good work partner.
The Slim Man walks off, leaving Logan looking a little confused. He pulls a large knife from his back pocket and starts after The Slim Man.
Logan:
What's good cop, bad cop, dork?
Fade Out
We fade back in to the study where Prof. Xavier is chuckling softly.
Charles Xavier:
Oh those two. Will they ever see eye to eye? Ha ha. Eye to eye, get it?
The camera nods slightly, obviously unimpressed.
(Coughs) Anyway. That show was cancelled on the grounds that there wasn't a viable love interest happening. Well that's what they told Scott anyway who was quite proud of his work in it. Having seen the success of the HBO programme, The Sopranos, the powers that be decided to commission their X-Men version
The Summers
Fade to a kitchen, where Scott Summers sits, a pillow obviously stuffed up his shirt to make him look slightly overweight, staring dully at a box of flakes. His wife, Jean comes down the stairs.
Jean:
(Exasperated)
Look at you just sitting there. What the hell has gotten into you?
Scott looks at her, the dull look still in his eyes.
Scott:
Since Uncle Xavier's taken over as Capo de Capo, my life has gone to crap.
Jean:
Scott! The children are in the house.
The children in question rush in to the room, as if pushed from off camera. Marie is dressed decently enough but Bobby is having fierce problems as he wrestles with a miniature version of Scott's visor, trying to keep it in place.
Marie:
(Speaking to the floor)
Mom, I need to take the car. Hi (mumbled) dad.
Jean:
Okay sweetheart. Be careful.
Marie rushes from the room. Bobby holds the visor in place with one hand as he peeks from the corner of it to see where everyone is.
Bobby:
(Very Stiffly and having to remove the visor partially so he can read something off camera)
I am going playing Nintendo because I am a useless child.
Scott:
That's great Scotty Jnr.
Bobby throws the visor on the floor.
Bobby:
(Clearly furious)
Okay I agreed to wear this stupid thing, but there's no way in hell you're calling me Scotty Jnr, I'd rather have my-
Cut to a nightclub, where Scott's other family is in attendance. A number of ladies in less then adequate clothing dance and gyrate on stage. Scott keeps a hand over his visor so as not to see them. Remy (Remy), an up and come member of the family talks with established old time Logan Walnuts (Logan)
Remy:
(Whining)
I am such a ladies man; I'm tired all the time.
Logan Walnuts:
(Frowning)
That's ******* ****. I've got so many ******* women, I can **** and any ******* piece of *** I want any night and **** a different piece of *** the next day. I've got ***** and *** coming out of my ******* ***. That's ****** up. So don't ****** tell me you're a ******* ladies ******* man when you haven't ****** a ******* thing, you ****.
Remy:
Fair point:
Logan Walnuts:
*******-A
Big Beast (Beast) comes in with a box of waffles.
Big Beast:
I may be hairy but I'm not a snitch.
Logan Walnuts:
What the ****?
Big Beast:
Did I say that out loud? Nothing. Forget about it. Have a waffle.
Logan Walnuts:
I ****** love these ******* things.
Scott:
Please, do you have to be so vulgar?
Logan Walnuts:
What the **** are you ******* about? We're ******* made ******** guys. This is the ******** way we're ******** supposed to ******** talk.
Scott:
But it's so uncouth.
Logan Walnuts:
Aw for ****'s sake. You know what your problem is: You're a ****** **** ***** ***** ***** *** ****** *******.
Cut to Professor Xavier, whose face has gone pale.
Charles Xavier:
Logan there, making excellent use of the Queen's English. This show got cancelled due to Scott's inability to use foul language, use violence on innocents and insistence upon covering his eyes anytime some female flesh was shown. Anyway, you may think it's just the heroes who are getting in on the spin-off action, but that's not the case at all. Those bad guys get their chance too. Here we see a bit of "Thugs", a gritty fly on the wall documentary, looking at life on the streets with some hardened henchmen.
Thugs
Cut to a large but badly lit cave. About twenty crude wooden chairs are set up in front of a large black board. A white haired man, Magneto (Erik Lensherr) walks too and fro in front of it, seemingly waving his hands at random. But for the lack of instruments he could be conducting a choir. Setting right at the front, a blue women (Mystique) listens intently. At the very back, Sabretooth (Sabretooth) and Toad (Mortimer) sit. The camera settles in behind them. We can't hear what Magneto is saying but we still see walking in and out of shot in the background. Toad turns around in his stool to face the camera.
Toad:
This is a vital stage in the execution of a job. The planning stage. Well that's what the boss says anyway. Pass the Danish.
Sabretooth hands over a large box of pastries to Toad who takes his time selecting one.
Sabretooth:
Thankfully for me, I get nothing more complicated then the "Hit that guy" jobs. Mystique gets all the tricky stuff. I think I'll have one of those too.
Toad hands him back the box and continues on the same thread as Sabretooth after finishing his mouthful of pastry.
Toad:
Yeah, that's right, she gets all the fun stuff. But that's 'cause she's shagging him, isn't it?
Sabretooth's mouth of food is quickly ejected as he struggles to retain his laughter. Wiping the tears from his eyes his tries to speak.
Sabretooth:
It's true though. You can hear them sometimes and let me tell you she can scream with the best of them.
Toad smiles at this.
Toad:
(Imitating Mystique)
Take me, my magnetic muscle car.
The two start laughing.
Well something to that effect anyway. Look, he looks like his finishing up. Better look interested again. It's best not to listen to the whole speech, as he tends to ramble a bit in the middle. I mean the only bit of the last plan I heard was "…at the Statue of Liberty".
Sabretooth:
(Whispering to the camera)
And what a total wash out that proved to be.
Toad hums his agreement.
Magneto:
(Triumphantly)
And that is how we shall poison the fish supply thus rendering humans into mutants.
The two henchmen stand up and start clapping, all enthusiasm.
Toad/Sabretooth
(In unison)
Bravo. You're best plan yet.
Fade to the two standing in a boat. Mystique stands in front piloting the vessel.
Toad:
Here we are now in the Hudson. Smells pretty rank.
Sabretooth comes into shot holding a discoloured fish gingerly between his talons.
Sabretooth:
Say hello to Carl, our mutant kipper.
Toad smiles and waves at the kipper.
We are going to throw him in the water hereabouts and he's going to mate with all the other fish in the river thus mutating them and them when people eat them they'll turn into mutants and so on. Well that's how I understand it anyway.
Toad:
I think the boss was "inspired" during one of his late night "brainstorming" sessions with Mystique. He was certainly storming something all right.
Sabretooth starts laughing and accidentally drops the fish into the water.
Sabretooth:
Whoops.
The camera fades as Toad starts laughing. As we fade back into Professor Xavier we catch the bemused look on his face.
Charles Xavier:
No wonder we always win. This show was only cancelled at the last moment when an outtake was discovered featuring a very in depth and course discussion between the two concerning Mystique. For the show to be shown would require it to be shown at some time after midnight. Anyway, the last clip we shall see is from our entry into the daily soap opera. It concerns the many twisting relationships at a rich dynasty run by yours truly. Prepare for drama in:
As Westchester Turns
We fade in to see Jean (Jean Grey) with her back to her boyfriend Scott (Scott Summers). Tears run freely down her face. His bottom lip quivers slightly.
Scott:
(Voice almost breaking)
Are you telling me it's not my baby?
Jean:
I'm so sorry Scott. But it's not yours.
Scott:
Who was it? It was Logan, wasn't it?
Jean:
NO! No Scott it wasn't. Please don't drag him into it.
Logan enters upon hearing his name.
Logan:
So you told him, Jeanie?
Scott:
He knew? Before me?
Logan:
Of course. She tells me everything, Scotty or should I say Mr Three Inches?
Scott:
You bastard.
Logan:
(Evilly)
Hah ahah ahahahha.
Jean:
Please. This isn't easy for me.
Scott:
You think it's easy for me.
Logan:
Ahah ahahah ahahahhaq
Hearing Logan's laughter, Xavier, Bobby, Remy, Marie, John, and just about everyone else enters the room.
Scott:
Well everyone's here now. You may as well reveal the father.
Jean:
He's in this room, mocking me with his silence. Why don't you just step out and spare me the shame?
We hear a squeak as Xavier rolls himself out into the open.
Charles Xavier:
That's right, it was me.
Logan:
Bwah ahahhahahahah
Scott:
But how? You're paralysed from the waist down.
Charles Xavier:
So I led you to believe.
He steps from his wheelchair. The wires supporting him are clearly visible. He looks clearly uncomfortable as one would as a human puppet.
I had the use of my legs all along. Not to mention other body parts.
Scott:
You bastard.
Logan collapses in a heap from laughing.
Bobby steps forward, straining to see something off camera. His lines evidently.
Bobby:
(Again stiffly)
You bastard, oh that's not my line, I mean, "Would this be a good time to tell you that I am in fact not Bobby but his evil brother.
Bobby frowns, not believing what he's just read.
Oh this is bulls-
Cut back to the study with Xavier who burst out laughing.
Charles Xavier:
Method acting at its finest. I think I played the scheming villain quite well. Well there you have it. As you can see, our forays into TV just haven't got what it takes. You'll just have to wait until we make our way back to the silver screen again. Until –
A voice from behind the camera says something to the Professor. We can't hear what's said.
Charles Xavier:
(Disbelieving)
They went with the cartoon about teenage x-men. But that was the worst idea of all.
The camera nods in agreement.
Is it as bad as we though it would be?
The camera nods again.
Oh crap. Well viewers I've got to go back and tell everyone they're doing voice-overs. Until next time, this is Professor Charles Xavier saying, "Mind yourself". Get it? Mind your-
The screen fades to black.