L'armée des Ténèbres (aka Your Mother Was a Hamster!)
Rating: PG-13
Archive: Anywhere, just tell me where it's going and keep my name on it.
Subjects: Army of Darkness, Monty Python, parody, humor
Summary: Ash travels back to the Middle Ages and inadvertently ends up helping King Arthur and the knights find the Holy Grail.
Disclaimer: I am making no money off of this. The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd., and Sam and Ivan Raimi. This story is copyrighted December, 2002 and may only be used with the expressed permission of the author.
Chapter 1
(Our story begins with a shot of a man lying face down on dusty ground in the middle of a field. As the camera pulls back, we see a '73 Oldsmobile Delta 88 sitting near him. He lifts his head slowly and groans. Obviously he has taken quite a nasty fall. The camera zooms in on his face, and we hear a voice)
My name is Ash, and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing here. Close as I can figure it, or so the opening titles of the movie tell me, the year is 932 A.D. I'm surrounded by a bunch of guys who look like they came straight out of a ren fest, and boy have they got funny ideas. For one thing, they've got a rodent with a nasty disposition guarding their castle. It feels like some surreal dream. I keep thinking I'll wake up any minute and be back with my girlfriend, Linda...or back at S-Mart's cozy Housewares department.........damn, it's not working.
It was the book that brought me here, the Necronomicon ex Mortis, or Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, it contains ancient Sumerian texts like bizarre burial rituals and demon resurrections. Supposedly it also contains clues on the whereabouts of the Holy Grail, the cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper, but if you ask me I think it's a bunch of hogwash. Apparently these guys don't think so, though. Well, you're probably sitting here all antsy and waiting for the actual story to begin, so I'll shut up now. Just thought I'd give you a little background information, baby.
"For God's sake, how do you stop it??" Ash yelled as the vortex was pulling him in further and further. He hung onto the door of the cabin as tightly as he could, but the force was clearly winning out. Ash shut his eyes tightly as his strength finally gave out and he plummeted through the deep, dark vortex...
BOOM!!
A bright though somewhat overcast sky suddenly appeared in front of Ash's eyes as he had apparently ended his journey through the vortex. His Delta 88 hit the ground in what appeared to be an open field. Though his fall was quick, he managed to catch a glimpse of a large medieval castle out in front. He hit the ground headfirst with a loud thud and groaned.
"Where the hell am I?..." he muttered, dazed.
As he started rubbing the back of his head he heard, almost as if in answer to his question, what sounded like hoofbeats. He lifted his head slightly and could make out two legs covered in medieval armour. He grunted as he tried to stand up.
Standing in front of him was a man in a rusty gold colored chainmail, a white tunic with a large mustachioed sun emblem, and a gold crown atop his head. Ash narrowed his eyes as he noticed the man had not ridden up to him on a horse, but instead had a short servant standing next to him, holding two coconut halves.
He turned his head and noticed there were three others standing around him, practically having him surrounded. They all looked at him curiously.
Ash bit his lip nervously as he rose unsteadily to his feet and looked from one knight to the other. "Uh...look, guys, I don't mean any trouble or anything. I have no idea how I got here and I..."
A knight with a green-checkered tunic, long red hair and a mustache walked over to Ash's Delta 88 and stared at it quizzically.
"What sort of armour is that?" he asked.
Another knight with a red cross on his tunic and longish brown hair answered him back...
"Don't know. Whatever it is, it's a good thing Lancelot isn't here. He'd hack it to bits."
The king figure turned his head sharply in their direction. "I told you not to mention him!!" he spat out at the two knights, who gave him shame- faced looks in return. Apparently, this knight had left after becoming disgusted by the meager progress of their quest. Now he was in competition with them to find what they were after.
"Uh...l-look, if this isn't a good time, I can just..." Ash spoke up.
He stopped as all the knights and the king turned and faced him in unison.
"Bedevere?" the king called out to his wise trusted knight.
A knight with a blue and white tunic and a strange-looking helmet on his head stepped forward.
"Yes, my liege?"
"What do you make of this stranger?"
Bedevere narrowed his eyes as he looked Ash over. As he noticed the glint off the chainsaw fastened to the stump of Ash's hand, his eyes widened.
"My liege! He is the one prophesized to fall from the sky to aid us in our quest, leading us to the Grail and deposing the Evil Ones!" he exclaimed excitedly.
Ash looked at Bedevere and raised an eyebrow. "Oh, no, pal. You've got that all wrong. I'm not prophesized to do diddly squat for you. I'm just an ordinary guy, got it, birdcage head?"
"Hmm, I think not," the king answered suspiciously. "From the looks of him I'd say he's one of Lancelot's men. We shall annihilate him at once!!"
"Er...yes, my liege," Bedevere replied reluctantly.
Me and my big mouth, Ash thought to himself.
***********************************************
On the king's orders, two servants removed their gear and hoisted Ash up onto their shoulders, leading him through the gates of the castle courtyard. It seemed quite large and there even appeared to be a small cave on the far east end. The servants led him to the mouth of the cave where the king and his knights were waiting.
Ash glared at the king. "Who are you?" he panted as the servants set him down and restrained him.
"I am Arthur, King of the Britons!" the king declared. "Son of Uthur Pendragon, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!"
"Uh-huh," Ash muttered sarcastically. "I thought you were a legend. So where did I land, in a storybook?'
Arthur's eyes widened and he drew his sword.
At that moment, a young woman ran out of the castle gates and down toward the courtyard.
"M'lord?" she called.
Ash turned around as best he could under the servants' restraint. She was a very beautiful looking woman with long golden blonde hair, though she was dressed quite chastily in white.
"Zoot!" Arthur exclaimed, a bit surprised. "What are you doing out here?"
"I..." she started. At that moment she turned toward the knight with the red cross on his tunic and smiled in a flirting way.
"Hello, Galahad," she addressed him.
The knight blushed and smiled shyly.
"Zoot..." he nodded.
Arthur grew impatient. "We don't have time for this now! Zoot, what brings you here?"
"I was wondering if there was any news on Sir Bors...if he had any success in attaining the Grail."
Galahad turned toward her with wide eyes and flashed a hurt expression.
Arthur sighed deeply. "Yes, I'm afraid. He was hacked to bits by Sir Lancelot, as his friend here might know..." He said emphatically while giving Ash a cold look.
"What??" Ash said in disbelief.
Zoot locked eyes with him. She walked up to him rather slowly and purposefully, her face quite expressionless. Ash couldn't help but gaze at her beauty. She walked up to him until she was but a few inches away. A sweet smile formed on her face. Ash, a bit surprised at first, smiled back at her.
And she kicked him in the shins. Hard.
"Yeeeoowwww!!!! Hey look, lady, I didn't do anything!" he yelled, hopping up and down.
"Thanks to you, I now have nothing to do on Friday eves!" she spit at him. Galahad shot another hurtful look at her.
"Lead him into the cave and release the bunny!!" Arthur yelled.
"But...but you have to understand! I've never seen this Lancelot asshole before!" Ash yelled desperately as the servants began to lead him into the cave. There they set him down in a small enclosure and tied his arms back so he couldn't escape.
"You miserable bastards!!" Ash cried out as he struggled to free himself.
Bedevere approached with a small cage containing what appeared to be a harmless little white bunny. He handed it to Arthur's page who carried it into the depths of the cage. As he reached Ash, he carefully opened the door to the cage and fled in a hurry.
Ash looked at him curiously as he ran out of the cave.
"What the hell is his problem?" he muttered to himself. "It's just a harmless little..."
****************************************
Rating: PG-13
Archive: Anywhere, just tell me where it's going and keep my name on it.
Subjects: Army of Darkness, Monty Python, parody, humor
Summary: Ash travels back to the Middle Ages and inadvertently ends up helping King Arthur and the knights find the Holy Grail.
Disclaimer: I am making no money off of this. The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd., and Sam and Ivan Raimi. This story is copyrighted December, 2002 and may only be used with the expressed permission of the author.
Chapter 1
(Our story begins with a shot of a man lying face down on dusty ground in the middle of a field. As the camera pulls back, we see a '73 Oldsmobile Delta 88 sitting near him. He lifts his head slowly and groans. Obviously he has taken quite a nasty fall. The camera zooms in on his face, and we hear a voice)
My name is Ash, and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing here. Close as I can figure it, or so the opening titles of the movie tell me, the year is 932 A.D. I'm surrounded by a bunch of guys who look like they came straight out of a ren fest, and boy have they got funny ideas. For one thing, they've got a rodent with a nasty disposition guarding their castle. It feels like some surreal dream. I keep thinking I'll wake up any minute and be back with my girlfriend, Linda...or back at S-Mart's cozy Housewares department.........damn, it's not working.
It was the book that brought me here, the Necronomicon ex Mortis, or Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, it contains ancient Sumerian texts like bizarre burial rituals and demon resurrections. Supposedly it also contains clues on the whereabouts of the Holy Grail, the cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper, but if you ask me I think it's a bunch of hogwash. Apparently these guys don't think so, though. Well, you're probably sitting here all antsy and waiting for the actual story to begin, so I'll shut up now. Just thought I'd give you a little background information, baby.
"For God's sake, how do you stop it??" Ash yelled as the vortex was pulling him in further and further. He hung onto the door of the cabin as tightly as he could, but the force was clearly winning out. Ash shut his eyes tightly as his strength finally gave out and he plummeted through the deep, dark vortex...
BOOM!!
A bright though somewhat overcast sky suddenly appeared in front of Ash's eyes as he had apparently ended his journey through the vortex. His Delta 88 hit the ground in what appeared to be an open field. Though his fall was quick, he managed to catch a glimpse of a large medieval castle out in front. He hit the ground headfirst with a loud thud and groaned.
"Where the hell am I?..." he muttered, dazed.
As he started rubbing the back of his head he heard, almost as if in answer to his question, what sounded like hoofbeats. He lifted his head slightly and could make out two legs covered in medieval armour. He grunted as he tried to stand up.
Standing in front of him was a man in a rusty gold colored chainmail, a white tunic with a large mustachioed sun emblem, and a gold crown atop his head. Ash narrowed his eyes as he noticed the man had not ridden up to him on a horse, but instead had a short servant standing next to him, holding two coconut halves.
He turned his head and noticed there were three others standing around him, practically having him surrounded. They all looked at him curiously.
Ash bit his lip nervously as he rose unsteadily to his feet and looked from one knight to the other. "Uh...look, guys, I don't mean any trouble or anything. I have no idea how I got here and I..."
A knight with a green-checkered tunic, long red hair and a mustache walked over to Ash's Delta 88 and stared at it quizzically.
"What sort of armour is that?" he asked.
Another knight with a red cross on his tunic and longish brown hair answered him back...
"Don't know. Whatever it is, it's a good thing Lancelot isn't here. He'd hack it to bits."
The king figure turned his head sharply in their direction. "I told you not to mention him!!" he spat out at the two knights, who gave him shame- faced looks in return. Apparently, this knight had left after becoming disgusted by the meager progress of their quest. Now he was in competition with them to find what they were after.
"Uh...l-look, if this isn't a good time, I can just..." Ash spoke up.
He stopped as all the knights and the king turned and faced him in unison.
"Bedevere?" the king called out to his wise trusted knight.
A knight with a blue and white tunic and a strange-looking helmet on his head stepped forward.
"Yes, my liege?"
"What do you make of this stranger?"
Bedevere narrowed his eyes as he looked Ash over. As he noticed the glint off the chainsaw fastened to the stump of Ash's hand, his eyes widened.
"My liege! He is the one prophesized to fall from the sky to aid us in our quest, leading us to the Grail and deposing the Evil Ones!" he exclaimed excitedly.
Ash looked at Bedevere and raised an eyebrow. "Oh, no, pal. You've got that all wrong. I'm not prophesized to do diddly squat for you. I'm just an ordinary guy, got it, birdcage head?"
"Hmm, I think not," the king answered suspiciously. "From the looks of him I'd say he's one of Lancelot's men. We shall annihilate him at once!!"
"Er...yes, my liege," Bedevere replied reluctantly.
Me and my big mouth, Ash thought to himself.
***********************************************
On the king's orders, two servants removed their gear and hoisted Ash up onto their shoulders, leading him through the gates of the castle courtyard. It seemed quite large and there even appeared to be a small cave on the far east end. The servants led him to the mouth of the cave where the king and his knights were waiting.
Ash glared at the king. "Who are you?" he panted as the servants set him down and restrained him.
"I am Arthur, King of the Britons!" the king declared. "Son of Uthur Pendragon, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!"
"Uh-huh," Ash muttered sarcastically. "I thought you were a legend. So where did I land, in a storybook?'
Arthur's eyes widened and he drew his sword.
At that moment, a young woman ran out of the castle gates and down toward the courtyard.
"M'lord?" she called.
Ash turned around as best he could under the servants' restraint. She was a very beautiful looking woman with long golden blonde hair, though she was dressed quite chastily in white.
"Zoot!" Arthur exclaimed, a bit surprised. "What are you doing out here?"
"I..." she started. At that moment she turned toward the knight with the red cross on his tunic and smiled in a flirting way.
"Hello, Galahad," she addressed him.
The knight blushed and smiled shyly.
"Zoot..." he nodded.
Arthur grew impatient. "We don't have time for this now! Zoot, what brings you here?"
"I was wondering if there was any news on Sir Bors...if he had any success in attaining the Grail."
Galahad turned toward her with wide eyes and flashed a hurt expression.
Arthur sighed deeply. "Yes, I'm afraid. He was hacked to bits by Sir Lancelot, as his friend here might know..." He said emphatically while giving Ash a cold look.
"What??" Ash said in disbelief.
Zoot locked eyes with him. She walked up to him rather slowly and purposefully, her face quite expressionless. Ash couldn't help but gaze at her beauty. She walked up to him until she was but a few inches away. A sweet smile formed on her face. Ash, a bit surprised at first, smiled back at her.
And she kicked him in the shins. Hard.
"Yeeeoowwww!!!! Hey look, lady, I didn't do anything!" he yelled, hopping up and down.
"Thanks to you, I now have nothing to do on Friday eves!" she spit at him. Galahad shot another hurtful look at her.
"Lead him into the cave and release the bunny!!" Arthur yelled.
"But...but you have to understand! I've never seen this Lancelot asshole before!" Ash yelled desperately as the servants began to lead him into the cave. There they set him down in a small enclosure and tied his arms back so he couldn't escape.
"You miserable bastards!!" Ash cried out as he struggled to free himself.
Bedevere approached with a small cage containing what appeared to be a harmless little white bunny. He handed it to Arthur's page who carried it into the depths of the cage. As he reached Ash, he carefully opened the door to the cage and fled in a hurry.
Ash looked at him curiously as he ran out of the cave.
"What the hell is his problem?" he muttered to himself. "It's just a harmless little..."
****************************************