Disclaimer: I don't own The Bill… wish I did though. If they're selling… Lyrics are 'If You Want Me' by One Less Reason.
A/N: Inspired by Leafy08's awesome piece 'The Ice Man'. If you haven't read it then what the hell are you doing here? Go read it!
1,000 Bricks…
Imagine the weight of 1,000 bricks. 1,000 bricks pressing on your chest, getting heavier and heavier every time you breathe.
That's what unrequited love feels like.
Like bricks. Like poking yourself in the eye. Like running the London Marathon fourteen times. Like rain when it's supposed to be sunny. Like Christmas just got cancelled.
Pressure. Tears. Breathlessness. Depression.
That's what unrequited love feels like.
If people knew what other people were being put through by their blindness, their indecision, their lack of empathy at all, do you think they'd keep being ignorant?
Does a large part of me want to believe that all humans desire love and attention? They like the idea someone will miss them if they go? That someone would cross a raging river to free them because death is better than being without them?
Yes, a large part of me does.
Maybe I'm just a pathetic romantic.
Tell me you need me and I will stay
You believe me and I will wait
That you'll come back for me every time I fall…
Maybe…
Actually, no, it's pretty much a certainty…
It's a fact… I'm setting myself up for heartache.
Where does this go?
Happy endings? Fairytales? Princes from frogs and the princess lives happily ever after? I'm not a princess. He can be quite a frog, but I'm still not a princess.
No happily ever after.
Just two options: move on and accept nothing will happen or wait and hope that although whatever happens won't be perfect, it will be enough.
Enough.
Why do we settle for enough?
Women settle for 'enough' too often. We survive on 'okay'. We deal with 'unplanned' and don't argue when 'problematic' smacks us in the face.
We just… deal.
Dealing.
Telling yourself that one day… maybe… he'll see you for who you are.
One day he'll feel it too…
In your heart there's just no place
There's no room to make a mistake
And with one wrong turn you will never make it home
It gets quiet in your head, those moments when reality and romanticism meet and war rages. One minute you're on a high, recalling a smile, a look and anything you can hold onto and draw strength from.
The next minute you're curled up in a ball wondering why everything still feels like you're a 12-year-old girl who just got dumped by her first 'real' boyfriend. The world's crashing down and you just want the ground to swallow you up.
Then the sun comes out and hope returns.
The smile wavers of course, but it stays there. Plastered bravely through everything. Smile. Bite back any other emotion. Smile. Just keep smiling.
Don't let him see his words hurt.
Bite back a shaking lip. Listen to words spoken right now. Not his voice, his stinging words echoing in your head…
"… or maybe he's the money man and Palmer's his muscle…"
Take a step. Shake off the pins and needles in your feet as they threaten to give away. Blink back a tear then leave the room.
Take a breath. Force back the echoing insults. Fight off the urge to fight back.
Keep up that constant pep talk.
Maybe one day he'll know how it hurts, 1,000 bricks.
1,000 bricks weighing down on my chest. 1,000 reasons to give up and move on. 1,000 weights that stand in my path.
1,000 bricks that help me fall…
If you want me, then you've got me
Just never leave me alone…