Wrestling With Scotsmen
Hey folks! L1701E here! Well, I watched SmackDown on Thursday Night (4/22), and it inspired me to do this little one-shot featuring everyone's favorite drunken Scotsman, the Beast! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Marvel Comics, Sunbow Entertainment, and Titan Sports except for any unrecognized characters.
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(Xavier Institute)
It was a typical Thursday night, with the typical insanity.
"Charles, we got a problem." Ororo said to Xavier. "Hank is missing and all the Scottish whiskey is gone."
"Oh, no." Xavier moaned. It was pretty easy to figure out what happened: The Beast got drunk on Scottish whiskey and wandered off again. "Last time we did this, we found him in Tibet! Where'd he go this time?"
"Professor, I think you should see this…" The voices of Jake Wildfire and Jason Fox said. Ororo and Xavier walked and wheeled into the Common Room, and they couldn't believe what they saw.
"Now how did he end up THERE?!" Xavier exclaimed.
"Only a drunken Hank could pull that off." Storm groaned.
"Oh, this is going to be great." Fox grinned. "Only in America will you see something like this."
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(SmackDown!)
The fans were in the arena, enjoying the latest action of the WWE's latest edition of SmackDown, the WWE's Thursday night program. Currently, the ring was decorated like a fancy French restaurant. In the ring was the French Phenom, Rene Dupree, dressed up in a khaki sport jacket and slacks with a black shirt. Sitting across from him was Torrie Wilson, clad in a beautiful dress. And he was being a French jerk.
"How dare you!" Rene hollered after Torrie slapped him in the face. He was accusing Torrie of making fun of the Big Show and he was blaming the injuries Kurt Angle suffered at the hands of the Big Show on her. Suddenly, the theme song for the legendary "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, basically bagpipes, played on the PA. The drunken Scottish Beast wandered out, looking a little confused. The fans were confused as well. Who was this guy? And why was he furry? The drunken mutant stumbled into the ring. "And who are you, you stupid drunken fool?!" Rene snapped. Beast blinked, then took a microphone a stagehand offered him. He blinked at it for a second, then put it to his lips.
"I am the Drunken Scotsman!" Beast grinned in a Scottish accent. Rene snorted, and Torrie blinked in confusion.
"No surprise. How many sober Scotsmen do you find? It's no surprise you classless fools are still under England's thumb." Rene laughed, then turned back to Torrie. Hank's Scottish alcohol-loaded blood boiled.
"SAY THAT AGAIN, YE FRENCH PANSY!!!!" Hank roared.
"Excuse me?" Rene turned back around.
"I said, say that again, ye French pansy!" Hank roared. The fans started cheering for Hank. Evidently the Scotsman was speaking their language. "Ye make me sick! Who do ya think ye are, Frenchy?! I can tell ye were about ta beat that woman! Ye know, the English are not the only people that tick me off! Ye French are also not high on the 'People I like list'! Ye brag that ye're more cultured than the rest of us, but when a fight rolls around, ye run away like the &%$#% you are!" Hank roared. "Ye got no problem beatin' an American woman, but let's see ya face a SCOTTISH MAN!" Rene looked angered at that. "Oh yeah! Ye're right about one thing, French boy! There is another %&$# in this ring besides that flea-bitten pathetic excuse for a dog! And it ain't the chick!" The fans howled with cheers and laughter. It was obvious who the Beast was talking about.
"I can't believe what just happened here, Tazz!" Michael Cole, SmackDown's play-by-play commentator, said to his partner, the former ECW champion and now color commentator, Tazz. "This blue Scottish guy walks in out of nowhere, and calls out Rene Dupree! Who is this guy?!"
"I don't know, Cole. But I'll get Joey Numbers in on this." Tazz replied. In his office, Paul Heyman, the temporary substitute for Kurt Angle, was confused as heck.
"What the %&$# is going on?! Who the %$&# is this?!" He yelled at the monitor.
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(Xavier Institute)
"He punked Dupree out! He punked Dupree out!" Fox whooped.
"Oh man." Jake shook his head. "Only in America do you see something like this."
"The Beast is going to wrestle drunk. Thanks for making mutants look good, Hank!" Xavier moaned.
"Hey, the match is coming up later tonight!" Fox grinned. "The Drunken Scotsman versus Rene Dupree. This'll be sweet."
"Go Beast." Jake laughed.
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(SmackDown, Later that Night)
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper's theme music played on the PA.
"And entering the ring, at 5'11" and weighing in at 400 pounds…From Glasgow, Scotland, the Drunken Scotsman!" The ring announcer proclaimed. The fans cheered for the mysterious "Scottish" mutant, carrying some whiskey in his hand, as he staggered to the ring, hi-fiving the fans, then leaping on the turnbuckle and raising his fist, yelling. He took the mike from the ring announcer.
"I'M GONNA BEAT ME A FRENCHY!!!!" He crowed, making the fans chant.
"Drun-ken Scotsman! Drun-ken Scotsman! Drun-ken Scotsman!" Rene Dupree's music hit, and the fans booed as he came out in his purple robe.
"And his opponent: From Paris, France, at 6'3" and weighing in at 250 pounds…he is the French Phenom, Rene Dupree!" Rene walked to the ring, Fifi on her leash. Beast took the microphone.
"Hey Frenchy, I dunno who's the bigger girl, you or the dog? I also can't decide which of you is uglier!" Hank proclaimed, swigging his whiskey. He then spit his mouthful of whiskey at Rene, angering the Frenchman so much that he threw off his robe and charged into the ring, trying to take the drunk mutant down with some hard punches. However, the Beast would not fall. Instead, he nailed Dupree with some chops of his own. With each chop, the fans screamed "WHOO!!!!"
"Well, The Scotsman verbally assaulted Dupree then spit on him, causing the punch attack, it had no effect, now the Scotsman is slicing Rene Dupree up with those chops!" Michael Cole exclaimed. "The fans are loving it OH MY!!!! LOOK AT THE POWER!!!!!" Hank lifted Rene over his head and threw him over the top rope, to the delight of the crowd.
"Dear God, Cole! The Scotsman is throwing around Dupree like women throw you around!"
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(Xavier Institute)
"Can someone please tell me what the heck is going on?" Xavier scratched his head.
"I'll tell ya Prof, Ol' Big, blue-furred, and ugly is spankin' that Rene Dupree around like a red-headed stepchild." Foxfire burst out laughing.
"Hey, maybe Mr. McCoy should consider a future in wrestling." Jake grinned as he watched Hank and Rene brawl all over the ring. "He's got potential. My dad and Uncle Bill run a wrestling school back home in Boston."
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(SmackDown)
"Awwwwwww!!!" The fans screamed as Rene Dupree nailed Hank upside the head with the French flag.
"Hey ref, do your job!" Michael Cole yelled. The ref was down. Rene got him up to his feet, then pinned a downed Hank.
1…2…KICK OUT!!!
"OH MY GOD!!!! HE KICKED OUT!!!!" Michael Cole exclaimed. Hank leapt to his feet and glared at Rene. The fans started chanting.
"RENE SUCKS!! RENE SUCKS!! RENE SUCKS!! RENE SUCKS!!" The shocked Rene shook his head in disbelief. Hank grinned and waylaid into the Frenchman with a series of hard punches. He then grabbed Rene and smashed his head against the turnbuckle. Finally, he took the French Phenom and gave him the mother of all powerslams! The fans went crazy, and Beast pointed at the turnbuckle with a grin. The fans cheered, and with no effort, Hank leapt on the turnbuckle and did what no normal man of Hank's height and weight could do: He nailed the Frenchman with a beautiful Shooting Star Press. He then went for the cover.
1…2…3!!!
"Here is your winner, the Drunken Scotsman!" The announcer said as the ref raised the Beast's hand. Hank jumped on the turnbuckle and raised his fists to the fans' delight.
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(Xavier Institute, the Next Day)
"I still can't believe that Hank got drunk, wandered into a wrestling event, and got himself into a match." Ororo sighed.
"It's the fact he won that surprises me." Logan chuckled. Beast walked into the room, accompanied by the claps of Jake and Jason.
"Way to go, Beast! Way to beat that Frenchman!" Fox whooped. "Boy you sure know how to kick butt. And coming from the World's Sexiest Man, that's something." Jake rolled his eyes.
"Right, Fox." Jake sighed. He heard the phone. "I'll get it." He dodged and ducked the projectiles and powers the other X-Men and Misfits were throwing as part of fight #7,568,321. "Hello? Hey! How's it going? Uh-huh…Okay. Mr. McCoy, it's for you." Jake handed Hank the phone.
"Hello...Yes, I'm Hank McCoy…Uh-huh…Really…You're kidding…no way…Sweet! I'll think it over! Thanks!" Beast put back the phone.
"Who was that?" Logan wondered.
"Vince McMahon. He wants to sign me up!" Hank grinned. Logan and Storm face-faulted like anime characters. "What?"