Harry Potter and the Strip Dancing Llamas
VB:Hey all.I'm back with another fic,with my three compadres.Together,we are the Marauders,and I am Moony.
Sara-I'm Prongs.--
Gina-I'm Padfoot!
Courtney-Uh...what are we doing?
VB:Erm...okay then.Just a note-The first chapter,I believe,is Wormtail- free.Courtney didn't start writing some until a bit after.We started this in Biology class,just passing around a notebook.Hope you like it!
Marauders:PLEASE REVIEW!
XxXxXx
It was a dark and stormy night,in a galaxy far,far away;once upon a time-
(Excuse us.The person responsible was promptly beaten over the head with a baseball bat.Thank you.)
Harry Potter,our beloved hero-wait,what am I saying?!The little shit(who can't get laid,I might add)called Harry Potter sighed dramatically in the Gryffindor common room.
Being the brave little hero that he was,he HAD to sigh dramatically because if he sighed normally,it wouldn't be dramatic,and nobody would really care.(Not that anybody cares,anyways.)
Too right.
He got up,and as soon as he did,Ron and Hermione ran to stand beside him.Harry was used to this by now,seeing as he DID need groupies,after all.
They randomly stepped out of the common room only to be intercepted by the evil Lotions master,Professor Snap.His day job was being a demented cereal character.
"You three!Come to class,NOW!"He shouted,eyes popping madly.You see,they were skipping class like all of the cool kids do these days.Stupid,stupid cool kids."Yes,Professor Snap!"Hermione yelled gleefully,nearly trampling him in the process of running off to the classroom.It was common knowledge she longed to rub the sensuous lotions they made all over the Professor,so nobody saw anything odd in that.
Ron and Harry/Harry and Ron walked,very glum indeed,behind Professor Snap,who made odd noises when he walked and smelled like lilacs."He was probably "tutoring"Hermione."Ron murmured,catching the scent of flowers coming from Snap.Harry laughed for quite a long time,so people would look at him in the hallway.The plan was working quite well,even though it was rather pathetic.Very pathetic.
Rancid vegetables were promptly thrown at them by petty critics."Hey,hey!"Harry yelled in anger,using Ron as a human shield.Ron looked as if he were having the time of his life.
Once Ron was covered in turnips and smelly rhubarb,they continued to walk to the Lotions Lab,where small animals were held in captivity.Harry handed Ron a tissue to dig the tomato out of his ear."Thank you,old chap."Ron said in an Olde English accent,digging into his ears.
"Just doing my civic duties."Said Harry,puffing out his chest."That doesn't even make coherent sense."Ron said sadly.
"Does anything?"Harry asked sagely."Guess not."Ron muttered.They both sat down next to Hermione,who was gazing at Professor Snap lustily.Snap stared and turned around to hide his now bulging member."Miss-Granger,"He started shakily."Meet-me-after-classes-for-your-detention."Hermione put on a false,horrified face but soon nodded and went back to working on a lotion called Seduction Sense.
Ron giggled and Harry began to sing."Snap and Hermy,sitting in a tree!"They both laughed.Snap spun around,eyes bulging(one eye bigger than the other,of course)and twitching."Would you like to join us after class?!"He asked.Harry and Ron screamed bloody murder and ran like small Cambodian children out of the classroom in tears.Snap cackled."Didn't think so."
After all lessons had ended,all Harry and Ron could see of Hermione was a black blur.When she stopped for a second to wish them good night,the boys could see that all she was wearing was sexy black lingerie,and that she was carrying some of her lotion."Bye!"She shouted,and ran to the Lotions room.
"There goes...a real hero."Said Ron,wiping a solitary tear from his eye.Harry glared."I'M the hero here!"
Back in the dungeons,Hermione was wandering around the classroom,anxious to find Snap."Ah,there you are."Hermione gasped.Snap was standing in the doorway,smirking.She watched as he muttered something,pointing his wand at himself,and the ugly,outer shell of Professor Snap broke and the real,hot one stepped out of the pieces.Hermione(in shock)gasped.
She glided(is that even a word?)towards Snap but tripped because of her 5 inch unnecessary high heels.She got up unsteadily,her nose now flat as a pancake.It soon returned to normal size,thankfully.As soon as she looked up at him,Snap smiled rather evilly and jumped on her.
Hermione and Snap fell to the floor.Unfortunately for us,but luckily for them,they didn't break it.Snap didn't cut down on those Big Macs and supersize fries.So,unfortunately, Hermione's backbone broke in two but nobody noticed because the authors were struck by lightning because of student/teacher relationships.They're really gross.
Or so they say.YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE,NEVE-
THIS FANFICTION HAS BEEN CENSORED FOR THE CHILDREN,YOU NAUGHTY,DIRTY PEOPLE YOU.
So anyways.Back to the Gryffindor common room...
"Ronald,bring me olive loaf,I'm starving." "Fine,Harry."
Harry sat in an overly large armchair,sucking on a blow pop and contemplating his terrible,terrible fate.
"Here-is-your-o-live-lo-af."Ron said,bending down into a 90 degree angle so Harry could take it out of his hands.He sounded odd,like a robot.His bones even squeaked when he moved them.Harry jumped up-he'd know that poorly made robot anywhere.It was his arch foe-Lord Moldywart!
Just then,Ron walked in."Nobody move!"Harry yelled,sweating like a warthog.He took out his wand slowly."Give me the olive loaf and nobody gets hurt!I haven't eaten lunch today-I'm famished!"
Robo-Ron froze,still holding the olive loaf out to Harry."What-is-the-prob- lem-Har-old?"Robo-Ron asked.The real Ron fainted to move the plot along.Harry cautiously took the smelly sandwich from Robo-Ron.He slowly raised it to his chapped lips."NOOOOOOO!"Cried Ron,suddenly revived from the floor.
"I cannot let you eat that olive loaf!It's poison I tell you!I'm sorry,Harry,'twas me,the real Ron who doneth this.I was jealous...Jealous because you always get the last slice of olive loaf!"Just then,Hermione came into the room-a bit woozy-and toppled over to Harry.
"Whazza matta,Harr?"She slurred,and looked at the two Rons."Hiii Ron.Hiii Ron.I think I's goings to beds."She tottered off,giggling,to her dormitory."Well,now that's over..."Said Harry,and he suddenly collapsed to the floor."AHH!MY TIBULA!"he cried,clutching his shoulder.He was quickly rushed to the infirmary by several scantily clad Oompa Loompas.
"Ugh."The real Ron said."Didn't even eat the poisoned olive loaf and he STILL has to make a scene.I wish he would've eaten at least a nibble so his tongue would be poisoned and he would never talk again.Always about the attention."He left the common room,leaving their arch nemesis in the room all alone.
XxXxXx
Several days later...
"...and that's how I defeated Lord Moldywart."said Harry,who was sitting in his usual Hospital Wing bed with a bandage tied around his head,which was a mere accessory compared to the full body cast he was sporting.
The fourty-something people around him all clapped,some girls swooning,others holding up pictures of him to autograph.
"Now,ladies,there's only one of me(Marauders-Thank God...),but plenty enough to go around."Harry began signing the girls' pictures "professionally".Just then,Madam PomPom bustled over,since she never just walks."That's enough,ladies...and gentleman."She was referring to the one boy in the third row,wearing a pink "Harry Rocks My World!"T-shirt.
"Mr.Potter needs his rest."She said with a scowl."That's Mr.Hero to YOU!"said Harry,grinning with practiced skill,as thousands of camera flashes went off.
PomPom rolled her eyes.Luckily,she was impervious to the odd charm of Mr.Potter,and chased the fans out with an enormous magic thermometer.When everyone was gone,Harry ordered Madam PomPom to get his chilled medicine."Honestly,Potter,you are very pushy lately."PomPom said,rolling her eyes."You shall do as I wish...look,I'm having a big problem,a lot of things on my mind.I suspect that Hermione..."
Harry looked away from Madam PomPom quickly,with tears in his eyes.He took a long,shallow breath before saying,"She-she-"He started dramatically,before bursting into tears."She has an addiction!"Harry wailed into his Teletubby pillow,right on the "gay" purple one.
"An addiction to what???"Madam PomPom asked Harry eagerly."AN ADDICTION TO SNAP!I...I...I think she's PREGNANT!!"Harry weeped in a hyperventilation way.Gasp!is all that came out of PomPom's wide open mouth."And she never told me!Even after those steamy nights in the Astronomy Tower!"
A few days later,Madam Pompom let Harry go.He walked to the Gryffindor common room with a box of Gilderoy Lockhart Brand Birth Control Pills,the strawberry flavored kind,for Hermione.Madam PomPom wouldn't let him leave unless he agreed to bring them to her.
When he arrived to the common room,Hermione was sitting in an armchair nearby him and he quickly hid the pills behind his back."Oh,hi Hermione.Just the person I wanted to see."
"Hi Harry!"She smiled at him."Ummm,Hermione..."Harry glanced at her stomach."Shouldn't you be cutting down on those Krispy Kremes,you look like you're gaining wei-"Hermione cut him off."Are you calling me FAT?!"Before Harry could ask Hermione if she was pregnant,she stormed off to her room in tears.
Harry sighed."Women."He murmured as he threw the box down onto a nearby table.Ron plopped down next to Harry,who was busy staring at the box.Ron tried to put two and two together."Harry,"He said gently,"is there something you haven't told me?"
Harry went red."For you!"He said cheerily,pushing them to Ron."Me?Thanks mate,I don't...um...know what to...err...say."Ron was wondering what he was going to do with them.Maybe he'd hand them out to trick-or-treaters on Halloween.
XxXxXx
Many days later,the trio was sitting at the Gryffindor table,where Hermione was rapidly eating disgusting amounts of food.She was eating everything in sight-ham,potatoes,salad,tacos,chicken,Draco Malfoy,etc.
It took everyone a minute to notice she was gnawing madly on his arm,including him.When he realized it,Malfoy quickly ran off to cleanse imself.Hermione just gave an embarrassed smile and said,"What?I was hungry!"Harry went to say something,but Hermione had already ran off to the library.Clearly,he could see she was still upset with him."Women."He muttered again,causing all females to hit him with something.
After Harry was covered with everything(ham,potatoes,salad,tacos,chicken,Draco Malfoy,etc)he decided it was time to look for Hermione and apologize.After all,he needed to talk to her about the baby/being pregnant/Snap(He felt sick at that...how could she get pregnant from him?Ew.)situation.
Harry left with a huge weight on his heart.Now he began to run and sweat.Suddenly,he stopped,quickly making a screeching car noise.Hermione was with Snap and...no,wait!That was not Snap!It was...
XxXxXx
VB:I leave you with a cliffie.
Sara-So please review!
Gina-Yeah,tell us how bad-or good,that's always better-we are!
Courtney-Or tell us how big Gina's nose is!
VB:So,see you for the next chapter of...
Harry Potter and the Strip Dancing Llamas!
VB:Hey all.I'm back with another fic,with my three compadres.Together,we are the Marauders,and I am Moony.
Sara-I'm Prongs.--
Gina-I'm Padfoot!
Courtney-Uh...what are we doing?
VB:Erm...okay then.Just a note-The first chapter,I believe,is Wormtail- free.Courtney didn't start writing some until a bit after.We started this in Biology class,just passing around a notebook.Hope you like it!
Marauders:PLEASE REVIEW!
XxXxXx
It was a dark and stormy night,in a galaxy far,far away;once upon a time-
(Excuse us.The person responsible was promptly beaten over the head with a baseball bat.Thank you.)
Harry Potter,our beloved hero-wait,what am I saying?!The little shit(who can't get laid,I might add)called Harry Potter sighed dramatically in the Gryffindor common room.
Being the brave little hero that he was,he HAD to sigh dramatically because if he sighed normally,it wouldn't be dramatic,and nobody would really care.(Not that anybody cares,anyways.)
Too right.
He got up,and as soon as he did,Ron and Hermione ran to stand beside him.Harry was used to this by now,seeing as he DID need groupies,after all.
They randomly stepped out of the common room only to be intercepted by the evil Lotions master,Professor Snap.His day job was being a demented cereal character.
"You three!Come to class,NOW!"He shouted,eyes popping madly.You see,they were skipping class like all of the cool kids do these days.Stupid,stupid cool kids."Yes,Professor Snap!"Hermione yelled gleefully,nearly trampling him in the process of running off to the classroom.It was common knowledge she longed to rub the sensuous lotions they made all over the Professor,so nobody saw anything odd in that.
Ron and Harry/Harry and Ron walked,very glum indeed,behind Professor Snap,who made odd noises when he walked and smelled like lilacs."He was probably "tutoring"Hermione."Ron murmured,catching the scent of flowers coming from Snap.Harry laughed for quite a long time,so people would look at him in the hallway.The plan was working quite well,even though it was rather pathetic.Very pathetic.
Rancid vegetables were promptly thrown at them by petty critics."Hey,hey!"Harry yelled in anger,using Ron as a human shield.Ron looked as if he were having the time of his life.
Once Ron was covered in turnips and smelly rhubarb,they continued to walk to the Lotions Lab,where small animals were held in captivity.Harry handed Ron a tissue to dig the tomato out of his ear."Thank you,old chap."Ron said in an Olde English accent,digging into his ears.
"Just doing my civic duties."Said Harry,puffing out his chest."That doesn't even make coherent sense."Ron said sadly.
"Does anything?"Harry asked sagely."Guess not."Ron muttered.They both sat down next to Hermione,who was gazing at Professor Snap lustily.Snap stared and turned around to hide his now bulging member."Miss-Granger,"He started shakily."Meet-me-after-classes-for-your-detention."Hermione put on a false,horrified face but soon nodded and went back to working on a lotion called Seduction Sense.
Ron giggled and Harry began to sing."Snap and Hermy,sitting in a tree!"They both laughed.Snap spun around,eyes bulging(one eye bigger than the other,of course)and twitching."Would you like to join us after class?!"He asked.Harry and Ron screamed bloody murder and ran like small Cambodian children out of the classroom in tears.Snap cackled."Didn't think so."
After all lessons had ended,all Harry and Ron could see of Hermione was a black blur.When she stopped for a second to wish them good night,the boys could see that all she was wearing was sexy black lingerie,and that she was carrying some of her lotion."Bye!"She shouted,and ran to the Lotions room.
"There goes...a real hero."Said Ron,wiping a solitary tear from his eye.Harry glared."I'M the hero here!"
Back in the dungeons,Hermione was wandering around the classroom,anxious to find Snap."Ah,there you are."Hermione gasped.Snap was standing in the doorway,smirking.She watched as he muttered something,pointing his wand at himself,and the ugly,outer shell of Professor Snap broke and the real,hot one stepped out of the pieces.Hermione(in shock)gasped.
She glided(is that even a word?)towards Snap but tripped because of her 5 inch unnecessary high heels.She got up unsteadily,her nose now flat as a pancake.It soon returned to normal size,thankfully.As soon as she looked up at him,Snap smiled rather evilly and jumped on her.
Hermione and Snap fell to the floor.Unfortunately for us,but luckily for them,they didn't break it.Snap didn't cut down on those Big Macs and supersize fries.So,unfortunately, Hermione's backbone broke in two but nobody noticed because the authors were struck by lightning because of student/teacher relationships.They're really gross.
Or so they say.YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE,NEVE-
THIS FANFICTION HAS BEEN CENSORED FOR THE CHILDREN,YOU NAUGHTY,DIRTY PEOPLE YOU.
So anyways.Back to the Gryffindor common room...
"Ronald,bring me olive loaf,I'm starving." "Fine,Harry."
Harry sat in an overly large armchair,sucking on a blow pop and contemplating his terrible,terrible fate.
"Here-is-your-o-live-lo-af."Ron said,bending down into a 90 degree angle so Harry could take it out of his hands.He sounded odd,like a robot.His bones even squeaked when he moved them.Harry jumped up-he'd know that poorly made robot anywhere.It was his arch foe-Lord Moldywart!
Just then,Ron walked in."Nobody move!"Harry yelled,sweating like a warthog.He took out his wand slowly."Give me the olive loaf and nobody gets hurt!I haven't eaten lunch today-I'm famished!"
Robo-Ron froze,still holding the olive loaf out to Harry."What-is-the-prob- lem-Har-old?"Robo-Ron asked.The real Ron fainted to move the plot along.Harry cautiously took the smelly sandwich from Robo-Ron.He slowly raised it to his chapped lips."NOOOOOOO!"Cried Ron,suddenly revived from the floor.
"I cannot let you eat that olive loaf!It's poison I tell you!I'm sorry,Harry,'twas me,the real Ron who doneth this.I was jealous...Jealous because you always get the last slice of olive loaf!"Just then,Hermione came into the room-a bit woozy-and toppled over to Harry.
"Whazza matta,Harr?"She slurred,and looked at the two Rons."Hiii Ron.Hiii Ron.I think I's goings to beds."She tottered off,giggling,to her dormitory."Well,now that's over..."Said Harry,and he suddenly collapsed to the floor."AHH!MY TIBULA!"he cried,clutching his shoulder.He was quickly rushed to the infirmary by several scantily clad Oompa Loompas.
"Ugh."The real Ron said."Didn't even eat the poisoned olive loaf and he STILL has to make a scene.I wish he would've eaten at least a nibble so his tongue would be poisoned and he would never talk again.Always about the attention."He left the common room,leaving their arch nemesis in the room all alone.
XxXxXx
Several days later...
"...and that's how I defeated Lord Moldywart."said Harry,who was sitting in his usual Hospital Wing bed with a bandage tied around his head,which was a mere accessory compared to the full body cast he was sporting.
The fourty-something people around him all clapped,some girls swooning,others holding up pictures of him to autograph.
"Now,ladies,there's only one of me(Marauders-Thank God...),but plenty enough to go around."Harry began signing the girls' pictures "professionally".Just then,Madam PomPom bustled over,since she never just walks."That's enough,ladies...and gentleman."She was referring to the one boy in the third row,wearing a pink "Harry Rocks My World!"T-shirt.
"Mr.Potter needs his rest."She said with a scowl."That's Mr.Hero to YOU!"said Harry,grinning with practiced skill,as thousands of camera flashes went off.
PomPom rolled her eyes.Luckily,she was impervious to the odd charm of Mr.Potter,and chased the fans out with an enormous magic thermometer.When everyone was gone,Harry ordered Madam PomPom to get his chilled medicine."Honestly,Potter,you are very pushy lately."PomPom said,rolling her eyes."You shall do as I wish...look,I'm having a big problem,a lot of things on my mind.I suspect that Hermione..."
Harry looked away from Madam PomPom quickly,with tears in his eyes.He took a long,shallow breath before saying,"She-she-"He started dramatically,before bursting into tears."She has an addiction!"Harry wailed into his Teletubby pillow,right on the "gay" purple one.
"An addiction to what???"Madam PomPom asked Harry eagerly."AN ADDICTION TO SNAP!I...I...I think she's PREGNANT!!"Harry weeped in a hyperventilation way.Gasp!is all that came out of PomPom's wide open mouth."And she never told me!Even after those steamy nights in the Astronomy Tower!"
A few days later,Madam Pompom let Harry go.He walked to the Gryffindor common room with a box of Gilderoy Lockhart Brand Birth Control Pills,the strawberry flavored kind,for Hermione.Madam PomPom wouldn't let him leave unless he agreed to bring them to her.
When he arrived to the common room,Hermione was sitting in an armchair nearby him and he quickly hid the pills behind his back."Oh,hi Hermione.Just the person I wanted to see."
"Hi Harry!"She smiled at him."Ummm,Hermione..."Harry glanced at her stomach."Shouldn't you be cutting down on those Krispy Kremes,you look like you're gaining wei-"Hermione cut him off."Are you calling me FAT?!"Before Harry could ask Hermione if she was pregnant,she stormed off to her room in tears.
Harry sighed."Women."He murmured as he threw the box down onto a nearby table.Ron plopped down next to Harry,who was busy staring at the box.Ron tried to put two and two together."Harry,"He said gently,"is there something you haven't told me?"
Harry went red."For you!"He said cheerily,pushing them to Ron."Me?Thanks mate,I don't...um...know what to...err...say."Ron was wondering what he was going to do with them.Maybe he'd hand them out to trick-or-treaters on Halloween.
XxXxXx
Many days later,the trio was sitting at the Gryffindor table,where Hermione was rapidly eating disgusting amounts of food.She was eating everything in sight-ham,potatoes,salad,tacos,chicken,Draco Malfoy,etc.
It took everyone a minute to notice she was gnawing madly on his arm,including him.When he realized it,Malfoy quickly ran off to cleanse imself.Hermione just gave an embarrassed smile and said,"What?I was hungry!"Harry went to say something,but Hermione had already ran off to the library.Clearly,he could see she was still upset with him."Women."He muttered again,causing all females to hit him with something.
After Harry was covered with everything(ham,potatoes,salad,tacos,chicken,Draco Malfoy,etc)he decided it was time to look for Hermione and apologize.After all,he needed to talk to her about the baby/being pregnant/Snap(He felt sick at that...how could she get pregnant from him?Ew.)situation.
Harry left with a huge weight on his heart.Now he began to run and sweat.Suddenly,he stopped,quickly making a screeching car noise.Hermione was with Snap and...no,wait!That was not Snap!It was...
XxXxXx
VB:I leave you with a cliffie.
Sara-So please review!
Gina-Yeah,tell us how bad-or good,that's always better-we are!
Courtney-Or tell us how big Gina's nose is!
VB:So,see you for the next chapter of...
Harry Potter and the Strip Dancing Llamas!