Children of the (Other) Gods 1/1
Spoilers: Need, Heroes, Season 8. Also, two minor ones for both Star Wars trilogies, but if you're actually surprised by them, then you've been living under a rock.
Summary: Our team and Janet discuss what it's like to be at the mercy of fanfic writers.
Notes: I wrote a similar story for the TV series "Angel," titled "The Powers that Screw You," even blatantly lifting some of my own lines. I can't plagiarize myself, right? Anyway, I didn't come up with the idea, but I hope I do a fair job with it here.
Warning: There is no violence or sex, but there is a lot of talk about sex. If the idea of homosexual sex offends you, don't read this.
Disclaimer: I do not own them. To be honest, I don't really know who does, but it ain't me.
Daniel Jackson threw himself into the recliner and shoved a pillow over his face. He didn't want to see them smirking. They always smirked when he returned from a fanfic.
"Nice of you to join us, Daniel," Jack said.
Oh, he was definitely smirking. Daniel could hear it in his voice. He pulled the pillow away from his face. If they were going to smirk, he planned to glare for all he was worth. Carter tried to pretend she wasn't, but she was a terrible liar, and the way the ends of her mouth trembled gave her away.
"You almost missed the next round," she said.
"Wouldn't want that," Daniel muttered.
"Ssshh," admonished Jack. "Janet'll be here soon with the stories, and if you give her lip she'll give you a rectal exam you'll never forget."
Daniel winced, thinking about what happened the last time he pissed off the diminutive doctor.
"You do seem to spend an inordinate amount of time in the infirmary," Teal'c noted. Even he seemed to be smirking, though it was hard to tell for sure.
Jack said, "That's because Janet always picks the stories that let her get her hot little hands all over him."
"That's not true!" Daniel was blushing now, all the way to his hairline.
"It's so true!" Jack continued. "She is, shall we say, achin' for your bacon."
"What are you, twelve?" Daniel shot back.
"No, I just act like it."
"Boys, boys," Carter interrupted. She paced the length of the small-but-comfortable waiting room, her boots making a clickity-clack sound against the white marble floor. The furniture was a mishmash of styles, from a well-stuffed, well-worn sofa to a large floor pillow surrounded by lit candles. Teal'c was currently occupying it in the lotus position.
"It's not Janet's fault the fanfic writers like to leave Daniel to her tender mercies," Carter said. "She just takes advantage of it."
Jack's smirk exploded into a full-on shit-eating grin. "See! See! Daniel and Janet sittin' in a tree—"
"Jack!" Daniel lunged, tackling O'Neill at the waist and sending him crashing to the floor. They rolled around like mud wrestlers for a bit before the unmistakably authoritarian sound of Janet Frasier's voice forced them to break it up.
"Gentlemen!" Janet shouted. "Don't you get enough of this in fanfic?"
They were both silent at that, mainly because she was right. The amount of smut written about Daniel and Jack was enough to make even Janet blush, and she had spent four years of her life poking and prodding every human orifice imaginable.
"Do you have any work for us?" Daniel asked, quickly shifting gears while he caught his breath. The less they spoke of the things he'd done with Jack the better.
Janet replied, "Boy, do I ever!" and all four of them groaned. That was never a good sign.
"First, let's start with Teal'c," she said. Three sets of eyes turned to the impassive Jaffa, who had snapped to attention. Jack wondered briefly how he'd gotten out of that pretzel position so quickly and fluidly. His knees ached just thinking about it.
"I am ready for my mission," Teal'c said solemnly.
"You mean the big guy actually has something to do this week?" Jack asked. "He usually gets off easy."
"It is not my fault there are no Jaffa fanfic writers," Teal'c said. His arm muscles flexed in apparent agreement.
"I haven't got all day," Janet said impatiently. She handed Teal'c a stack of papers. "Some dirtbags from The Trust have kidnapped Ry'ac, and you have to track him down and save the day."
Teal'c accepted the packet and nodded, a deep scowl etched into his face. "Those who would hurt my son will not live long enough to regret it."
"Whoa there," Jack cautioned. "Try not to make the rivers run red, OK?"
Teal'c sat back down on his pillow to go over the story as the others eagerly (or not so eagerly) awaited their turns.
"Colonel, you're next," Janet said.
"That's general now," Jack informed her.
"Oh, please. I can count on one hand all the fanfics that take place in season eight or later. People can suspend disbelief for demonic snakes and android doubles, but no one buys you as a general."
"Hey—"
She continued before he could protest. "Colonel, would you like this week's story or not?"
Jack sighed in defeat. "Sure, lay it on me. Who am I screwing this week? Daniel or Carter?"
The two of them stared at him in open-mouthed disbelief.
"Don't give me that look. You know it's true. I get more play than Wilt Chamberlain, most of it with one of you. Sometimes with Teal'c, but that's rare." The Jaffa looked up at the sound of his name.
Carter said, "Somehow, I can't imagine the two of you together."
"Which means you've tried."
"Tried what?"
"To imagine the two of us together."
She looked about to protest, but she just shrugged her shoulders instead. "Maybe I have. So, what's it like?"
"I'm always sore the next day."
"Sore?"
"Yeah, Teal'c's not just huge—he's FREAKIN' HUGE!" He held his hands about 12 inches apart. Daniel, Carter and Janet looked back down at their friend, working hard to keep their eyes on his face.
"Indeed," was all Teal'c said.
Janet broke the long, awkward silence that followed. "Colonel, you and Daniel team up for this one."
"I knew it!" Jack exclaimed. Daniel groaned. Truth be told, sex with Jack wasn't bad. He just hated catching so often. Every once in a while he'd like to be the Alpha male.
"Why do I have to be Jack's bitch all the time?" Daniel whined.
"Because you are, indeed, O'Neill's bitch," Teal'c informed him.
"It's true!" Jack confirmed. "You're my bitch. Embrace it."
"Gentlemen, enough!" Janet said, all business. "Whether or not Daniel is Jack's bitch is irrelevant for now, because you are not having sex this week." The two men looked vaguely disappointed, but neither spoke, and Janet continued. "Daniel, you're feeling all angst-ridden about what happened during 'Need,' and you decide to leave the SGC. Jack, you have to convince him he's not a useless waste of taxpayer money."
"Jesus!" Daniel cried. "Why do I always have to be a whiny ball of angst?"
"Because you are, indeed, a whiny ball of angst," Teal'c offered. His friend seemed to be having trouble grasping the obvious today, and he was pleased to be of assistance. It was rare that he got the opportunity to explain things to Daniel Jackson.
"What about me?" Carter asked. She was eager to finally sink her teeth into something interesting after a few weeks of boinking her superior office and acting as Exposition!Sam.
"You get a lot of time to yourself this week," Janet told her. "Everyone at the SGC disappears except for you, and you have to figure out what happened."
"Let me guess," Carter said. "I'm really the one who disappeared, and I have to figure out a way back home after some science experiment gone horribly awry."
"How…how did you know?"
The doctor wasn't easily flustered, and Sam was enjoying her moment. "I saw that episode of 'The Next Generation,' too," she said.
"Don't worry," Janet assured her. "For a while there, you think everyone is dead, and that gets pretty emotional. There's angst for you, too. You even fondle Daniel's rocks."
"Hey!" Daniel protested.
"I meant your artifacts, gutter brain."
"Oh. Sorry. Jack is a bad influence on me."
"You betcha," Jack replied. He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Daniel ducked his head.
"Come on, guys," Janet snapped, "Some of us don't get laid all the time, you know."
"A little frustrated?" Carter asked.
"You have no idea. It's hard to get any action WHEN YOU'RE DEAD!"
"But you'll always be alive in fanfic," protested Jack. "That's the beauty of it."
"I know, I know," Janet started. "It's just that sometimes I'd like to explore the galaxy, too. It seems all I ever get to do is put you guys back together. I want the excitement! The adventure! The wild times!"
Carter looked mortified. "Are you serious?" she asked. "All we ever find is death and destruction and horrors beyond your wildest comprehension. Fanfic writers are mentally unstable." Janet frowned.
"If you like," Sam offered, "we could try to convince the writer to squeeze you into my fic. Maybe we can both fall into the plot device together."
"Nah, don't sweat it," Janet said. "I've got something pretty sweet at the end of Daniel and Jack's fic." She leered at Daniel and mimicked Jack's eyebrow wiggle. Daniel sighed, resolving himself to the fact that he was the SGC's civilian sex toy. Which wasn't an entirely bad thing to be, when he thought about it. Janet grabbed his shirt and pulled him close.
"Don't waste all that energy in emotional turmoil," she warned, breathing into his ear. "I've got big plans for you." With that, she gripped her remaining stack of papers and walked out, leaving Jack, Daniel, Carter and Teal'c alone.
Jack turned to Sam. "Carter, do you think Daniel and I have had more slash written about us than any two people in history?"
"Perhaps, sir, but Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn are giving you a run for your money." She turned her face. "Or so I hear."
Jack frowned. That would be the day, when he was outdone by a couple of dead Jedi. He and Daniel were going to have to step it up. But that would have to wait. They all had their assignments, and Janet would be back and grumpier than ever if they didn't get a move on.
"SG-1, you have a go," he said. And they were off.