Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia...
Warnings: Complete butchering of the English language, it gets minced.
I apologize for this in advanced.
Note for before reading:
If something is in all caps, it is meant to be read letter by letter, for the acronyms. Otherwise, it is just meant to be read. For example, LOL is L-O-L, but lol is more like loll.
You've been warned.
Arthur could have sworn he felt something touch his back, but when he turned around, he didn't see anyone or anything that could have done it. After repeating this emotion a few times, he simply growled out, "What do you want?"
"E-England! S-sorry to bother y-you" Matthew said, in his usual hushed tone.
"Oh, hi Matthew! Is something the matter?" Arthur responded, glad he had found the source of the tapping that had gone on for the past ten minutes.
"Y-yes... You may want to le-leave okay?"
"Why?"
"Well be-because..." Matthew's voice got progressively softer until it reached the point where England couldn't hear him anymore.
"Bloody hell, speak up Matthew!"
"Al-Alfred's being influenced by all the sl-slang again and it's really bad this time, and considering h-how you reacted l-last time, you may want to leave!" Matthew yelled, or at least, it would have passed as yell coming from him. From anyone else it would have been a hushed whisper at best. The uncharacteristically loud voice, especially since it wasn't hockey season, had England on guard.
"Thanks for the warning Matthew, but I raised that boy to speak proper English, he already changed enough of the spelling, such as dropping the u from favour, honour, and colour. I think I can handle a bit more than that. Last time it was just LOL, dude, and sup right? That was minimally bearable. It cannot be worse."
"B-but England... it is... It's w-why all the other nations left, and m-most of them d-don't even have English as th-their official language"
"Then I'll have to teach the lad how to speak proper English again," the Englishman responded, wondering how it was that he hadn't noticed the other nations leaving.
"Okay England, b-but I warned y-you..." Matthew made a beeline for the exit, and as soon as the doors closed behind him, Alfred barged in.
"Sup dudes?"
"Alfred, love, I think you mean 'what's up?'," Arthur tried to politely correct the American, he did not understand what Matthew was talking about, it was just like last time. Even then, Arthur was already gritting his teeth. He was not speaking like an acceptable person, he kept pacing around with head down, annoying the Brit even more.
"Whatever dude, it is what it is! Don't act like, like, such a hater!" the American replied flippantly.
"Alfred dear, please stop abusing the Queen's English."
"Queen's English? I only speak 'MURICAN, non-'MURICAN English is so totally ratchet."
"Al, I beg of you, speak like a coherent person."
"KMA! I can speak how I want! Are yo hatin' on me? Totally uncool dawg."
"What?"
"Dude, figure it out! OMGz, it's like totally not hard. Seriously dude, seriously. You just made this like seriously awks for me. Like that feeling of epic fail when chu see tat someone haz put up bad duck face selfies! Have you eva taken a selfie?"
"A what?"
"Are you cray-cray? Do ya not know what a selfie is?"
"Cray-cray?"
"You tots cray-cray right now. That or you tryin' to act like some cray-cray poser hipster or somethin'"
"Alfred, I will cut you off for a week if you don't stop this now."
"SMH! I do what I want! Bcuz I want to do what I want! Yolo dude, yolo. I'll totally win any fight like a boss, cuz I've got so much swag, chu don't know what chu are up 'gainst."
"Two weeks."
"Why do you even care how I talkz to u dawg? 'MURICAN is way more totally complete like legit and stuff than whatever it is you speak. If only cuz 'MURICAN is way more swaggalicious! Your language makes me want to lol! Hashtag epic fail!"
"Three weeks."
"...yolo?" America said, finally looking at England, eyes widening when he sees the complete seriousness in the Brit's eyes.
"One month," Arthur responded, with one caterpillar eyebrow raised, daring America to continue on his current path.
"One month!" Alfred exclaimed, outraged.
"One month," England replied, not relenting on his punishment.
"Please Iggy! Don't do that to me!"
England simply turned and headed towards the exit.
"Wait, Iggy no! I'll do whatever you want!" America pleaded.
England simply glanced back, and right before letting the door closed behind him he said, "I would, but it is what it is."
So, over 700 words of minced English. I was close to tears when I wrote this, but when I get harassed by a plot bunny I have no choice... I
Plot bunny came from an youtube RP :3
Please let me know what you think of this merciless slaughter, so you made it this far, review :3 I'll forgive anyone who doesn't this time, because who wants to admit they read this all the way through?