Disclaimer- All HP characters belong to JK rightfully. This story belongs to moi, but that's all sadly….
Author's Note- Well, it's been such a long ass time since I've been in ff.net! It's a good thing I've been spending the time writing smile I naively joined this D/HR fic challenge on LJ, where I had to write a story based on a request. (Fic request #20) The anonymity period is over….as well as the deadline (lol been over, I'm late as usual) but I've decided to post what I have so far. That's right…an entire NEW story from me…a COMPLETE STORY!!! Isn't that amazing?!?! Unfortunately, I would never write a story like this. This is my most clichéd work to date and in a way I purposely did it that way. I kinda saw this as a satire of many D/Hr fics combined, I thought it was clever lol. Also, different writing style…but anyways, at the end of each chapter I'll provide my own commentary just for fun and so you all understand what I was trying to do. BTW, the version on LJ will not be entirely the same. Here on ff, I will post bonus chapters! (YAY) I hope you guys like this!!! Please review and review! :-)
Chapter 1 – So, they haven't killed each other…yet
She walked through her dorm room in a huff. The struggle to make it up the spiraling stairwell left her tired and very aggravated. As she flapped about on the wooden planks (which seemed to creak more than usual), she couldn't help but mutter many hushed obscenities to herself. She plopped down on the edge of the bed and slowly removed her shoes and socks. She looked down at her feet, her face quickly twisted into a snarl. Her hand moved to her brow as she sighed deeply, "I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him! God I hate him soooooo much!" She was talking to herself, even though Lavender was lying directly across from her, on her own bed, reading one of Hermione's books.
Lavender was deeply engaged in Alice in Wonderland, and it appeared that she completely ignored her fellow Gryffindor's presence, but alas she had heard her friend schlep into the room with a glooming approach. She was well aware that Hermione had sat down on her bed, but she kept her eyes locked on page 79, as she soon reacted to Hermione's declaration. "Lemme guess," she sighed, "He's got platinum blonde hair, piercing grey eyes, a handsomely devilish smile. He's in Slytherin….and his last name, just so happens to be Malfoy?"
"How did you know?!" Hermione questioned, with the slightest bit of mockery.
Lavender finally looked up at her friend, her face slightly annoyed. "Let's see…you don't go one day without ranting to me or Ginny or anybody else in Gryffindor for that matter, about your favorite pureblooded-bastard." She cocked her eyebrows, giving off the "believe-it-or-not" look.
"Oh! Well I rant for good reason!" She smiled weakly… "And at least you understand that he's a bastard now," she said tilting her head up triumphantly.
"Pleaseeee, we've all gotten that memo," she hesitated before speaking again, "…Well, what did he do now?"
Hermione looked at her with troubling eyes. "Look at me…notice anything different?"
Lavender tilted the book down, as she surveyed her friend up and down. "Nope. Nothing different that I can se—" She stopped herself in mid-sentence as her inspection ended at Hermione's feet. Her mouth gawked open, as her head seemed to turn away ashamedly. She blinked a few times before looking back down at sight that seemed to allure her. She shook her head in disbelief, "Oh Merlin…Tell me he didn't…."
"He did…"
Lavender looked down at Hermione's feet one more time and attempted to look Hermione in the eye. She couldn't help but associate her face, with her new pair of feet and she instantly burst into hysterical laughter. All Hermione could do was listen, as her friend giggled terribly at her recent mishap. "Hermione! Your feet!" Lavender squealed, as she seemed to finally regain a state of composure. She tried very hard to hold in her chuckles, as she pressed her lips together, and stared at Hermione, who was very annoyed and the least bit amused.
"Yes. I know…"
"Holy cripes! They're like Scooby-Driver's shoes!" Lavender exclaimed, smiling high.
"Yes. I know…" Hermione who seemed to have a blank expression for the past five minutes, suddenly shifted her head in bewilderment. She glared at Lavender curiously and finally a genuine smile formed on her face. "…Did you just say Scooby-Driver's?"
Lavender had been laughing and staring at Hermione's "new" feet, when looked up unwillingly. "Yeah those muggle swimmers that dive deep into the ocean…Oh you know what I mean!"
"Heh, yeah I know…but Scooby-Driver's?" Hermione chuckled, "That's funny!!"
Lavender set her book down again and looked to Hermione idly. "Not as funny as your feet…" She looked down into her book with a huge smile and then excitedly looked back to Hermione. "They're bigger than Hagrid's!"
"Thanks…" Hermione replied, nodding her head in a disappointed agreement.
Bigger than Hagrid's? Well, that might've been a bit of an exaggeration. But she wasn't too off, seeing how Hermione's feet seemed to be three times over her real size. Her feet were well…fairly large. They did resemble Scuba Diver's fins, even though they were still Hermione's own, but the size was not. They seemed to have swelled, as the veins in her feet rose in her skin. Her toes were larger too. The sight was quite disturbing and comical, yet how they got that way was probably very painful.
Lavender finally got serious, as her curiosity got the best of her. She closed Alice in Wonderland, sliding it away as she shifted her body so she sat cross-legged. She cocked her head up concernedly, "Wait…so what happened?"
Hermione breathed in deeply. She looked down at her incredibly large duck shaped feet and began the tale that occurred only fifteen minutes prior.
"…and you spilled it on yourself?" Lavender questioned, as Hermione concluded her unfortunate story.
"Well yes…you make it sound like it was my fault," she added embarrassedly.
"Well Hermione, you did kind of drop it on your own feet…"
"I wouldn't have dropped it, if he hadn't of swung the door open on me! He did that on purpose you know!"
Lavender gave her heated friend a weak, comforting smile. "Oh I know…anything Malfoy does has a purpose, usually a malicious one."
"Exactly! And the worst part about this is that I have no idea what has permeated through my socks and onto my skin." Hermione shook her head nervously. "No idea…Lavender, it could be anything! My feet swelling up to the size of bloody ol' England, could be the least of my worries!"
Lavender scooted to the edge of her bed, anxiously. "Well this is just an awful mess. And you say it'll last till tomorrow?"
"Most likely. The label said the effects would last an hour for each dosage. And well…the entire bottle spilled…how many hours could that be?!? I'll probably be going to breakfast like this…"she said sadly, hanging her head in despair.
Lavender immediately clasped her hand over her mouth in hearing Hermione's words. She wanted to laugh, but she also was a little crushed for her own friend…walking through the Great hall with those feet. They would show her no mercy. She instantly made a hissing noise behind the palm of her hand, just thinking of the jokes they'd pull. No mercy, indeed…
"Don't worry Lavender, I didn't let him get away with this."
Lavender immediately pulled her hand away, which revealed a devilish smile. "You didn't?!"
"No of course, not!" Hermione responded in defense.
"Hermione…" Lavender's tone was questioning.
"What?!"
"What'd you do?"
"What did I do? Nothing…I mean it wasn't my fault I tripped and accidentally squirted him in the face with Hokey Elixir…" Hermione had the most innocent, emotionless expression she could muster.
"Yeah it's not your fault you tripped over feet that happened to be the size of a whale." Lavender smiled immensely. "So wait…Hokey Elixir? What's that do?"
"I'm not sure…" Hermione's mood sudden shot up with excitement, as she scooted to the edge of her bed as well. "…But as I was leaving, his face was swelling like a balloon."
"A ballon?!" Lavender nodded her head in enthusiasm.
Hermione finally laughed. She laughed at the entire situation itself, but really she realized what a funny sight that must've been for Neville to see. Just imagining him panic nervously, while he watched her run…well flap around in Snape's classroom, while Draco tried to run after her, though he could barely see, made her chuckle at the thought. She smiled nostalgically, "Yeah, you should've seen it! It was priceless…"
"What was priceless?" came Parvati's voice. Hermione and Lavender looked up, as their only other room-mate entered the room. "What was priceless?" she repeated. Hermione and Lavender looked at each other and smiled. The three girls then, spent the night giggling away.
Meanwhile…
"I hate her. I hate her. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!" Draco mouthed harshly. He'd finally made it to his own room, though it took about ten minutes in doing so, he finally managed. And the manner at which he did was not so successful, but at least he was in his room now. He paced back and forth in front of a portrait that had a balding Butler as the subject. In the painting, the butler stood there with a tray in his hand, his beady eyes rocking back in forth, as his "sire" continued to pace. Draco knew this framed portrait by 'Henry the Butler'.
Henry the Butler was once a house worker of the Malfoy Manor and recently passed on two years ago. Draco's mother decided it'd be a wonderful idea for her "Dracky-cakes" to have someone to talk to, to reveal his inner thoughts if he needed and to someone that would never speak of it. So when Henry died, Narcissa had his spirit immortalized in the portrait. So whenever Draco had something to say, Henry would be there to listen. And surprisingly, Draco had alot to say, but in the privacy of his own room, of course. And Henry was there to listen, every single friggen time. And when Henry heard his sire enter his bedroom, slamming the door shut, he knew he'd have alot to listen to this night. Draco stopped in front of the portrait again. He ran his hands through his hair frustratingly.
"God, I hate that bloody mudblood! I hate her!" he shrieked. Draco looked up at Henry who's only shift of movement was his eyes. And his eyes weren't giving him any sort of reaction, but alas the portrait spoke.
"Sire, I think you've established that."
Draco instantly looked up at Henry again. "What?" Draco questioned, pretending like he did not hear his own personal "interactive diary" crack a wise-ass comment. But he couldn't help in reminding Henry as he questioned again, "Did I mention that I hate her?"
When Draco wasn't looking, Henry rolled his beady eyes and focused on his master again. "Yes sire…many times…"
"Shut up!" Draco spat.
"Ok…"
"How bad do I look?"
"Very bad, sire…" The painting looked at him with a horrified and disgusted expression, hoping Draco wouldn't see its reaction.
"Shut up!"
"Ok…"
"That was a rhetorical question," Draco declared defensively. He undid his robe and threw it somewhere; he didn't know where exactly, his aim was a bit off due to his recent case of impaired vision. He brushed himself off and sighed. "You know, she did this to me. Mudblood…can you believe it?!"
Was that a rhetorical question? Henry didn't know, but he kept his mouth shut anyway. And that might've been a bad idea, seeing how Draco snapped at the painting's momentary silence.
"Can you!? Speak up, then!"
The painting blinked. "But sire, you told me to shut up…"
"Well I give you permission to speak now," Draco confirmed arrogantly.
"Ok…"
"I'm sure you'd like to know exactly what happened, so would you like me to tell you?"
"Ok…"
"Yes of course. Well…" he breathed and started pacing again, as he began his side of the story. "Earlier today, Snape asked me to stop by his office. It was after dinner and during a bit of my studying, that I had this feeling I was supposed to do something. I'd completely forgotten, but it was around 9:45 that I realized I was supposed to visit Snape. So I rush to Snape's classroom and as expected he wasn't in there. But I do find that blundering idiot, Longbottom. And just as I was about to ask him where Snape could be, I figured 'why bother, he wouldn't have a clue.' So I headed toward Snape's private office and that's when Longbottom decided to speak up. He tried to stop me from going in there, can you believe it?"
The only expression that could be read from Draco's face, was the smirk that had quickly formed. He continued, "He even got up from out of his seat to try and stop me. And I had to know why he was so persistent in keeping me out of his office. And he goes on to warn me that… 'Granger is in there doing some organizing for Snape'. So I take it upon myself to let the mudblood know I'm here. Again, Longbottom tries to stop me, but I ignore him."
Draco stopped pacing and sat down slowly on the edge of his bed. He tilted his head back up to Henry's portrait. "So, I open the door to Snape's office…maybe a little too hard…okay really hard…" his tone suddenly showed an increased amount of enthusiasm, as he instantly shot up from his bed, unable to hold his "confession" in any longer. "…Ahh fine! I burst open the door, having no idea that Granger as directly behind it, mind you. And then the next thing I know is hearing the sound of shattered glass and then I hear her start to squeal like a canary. I slide past the door and say 'Sorry, it was an accident--"
Henry not believing that the boy he'd known since he was inside of his mother's stomach, had genuinely apologized, couldn't help but question. "Sire…you really apologized?"
"Well something to that effect…" he smirked. More like, 'you should've moved out the way you bushy-haired hag'. Draco snickered.
"I see…" Henry cocked his eyebrow.
"So all of a sudden she starts yelping about me knocking her down or some nonsense. But I wasn't listening to her, instead I was staring at the damage on the floor, which was some clear-orange liquid that was flowing onto the floor and more importantly, covering her feet…her feet start growing to an enormous size. It was very funny actually…" Draco smiled evilly. "…And as I'm watching her feet grow, I completely ignore her whining. Well I finally look up and she's trying to walk toward me and whatever liquid she had in her hand, she squirts it all into my face. All I know is that my eyes immediately started stinging and I felt my face start getting flushed. Seconds later, I feel my eyes start to puff and swell and Granger instantly starts laughing at me. So I can barely see, but I charge for her and I can tell she's struggling, so I grab her, but she squirts me in the face with that liquid again. And then I hear a door slam and I hear incredibly loud footsteps trudging off…no doubt it's Granger. And I hear Longbottom panicking about Snape. And I tell him to 'shut the hell up' and even though I can't see, I manage to make it out of the classroom and back here. Believe me…it wasn't easy. I now have a greater respect for the blind…"
"Sire, you are not blind are you?!"
"No Henry. I made Longbottom fetch me a towel so I could clean my face off, but the liquid must've saturated my pupils too much because my vision is still blurry. My eyes are really swollen, aren't they?"
"Yes sire, I'm afraid they are…"
"Damn that Granger…" he felt his eyes, which each felt like the size of a snitch. He felt disgusted with himself. "I should've just kil-
"Sire!" Henry interrupted suddenly. "You've had a misfortunate night. Perhaps you should retire to bed now?"
Draco tilted his head in a questioning manner, suddenly intrigued by Henry's suggestion words. "Bed? Yes…Sleep? Better…"And with that, the Slytherin made a rather pitiful fall back onto his bed and immediately engaged into a child-like slumber.
Commentary: Sooooo…. This was all inspired from the movie CoS. I thought it was freakin hilarious when Hermione turned into a cat, in the book it was funny…in the movie it was HYSTERICAL. I was dying and so I thought if Hermione and Draco have to hate each other and I have to show that, something bad has to happen and it'd be the other's fault. I thought hard of something funny to happen to Hermione and I had this dream of her with huge feet and I was crackin up everytime I thought of it. Now Draco's characterization, well in the movie he seems spill out his thoughts to Crabbe and Goyle. Typical spoiled brat, always talking about themselves or taking up the conversation. Well I've always imagined for Draco to have someone to talk to in secret, aside from everyone else y'know? I originally thought of something like a pensieve that he could talk to, but it was too hard to describe so I came up with Henry. Henry will be mentioned maybe once more in the story.
Please REVIEW!
Chapter 2, will follow!