A/N: short, angsty, and my first fanfic on ! Hope u like and pleaz review, cuz I need those. And like I said in my profile, critics be very very very gentle. I'm sensitive. Especially so cuz this is my first fic open to public veiw. The italics are flashbacks, and it is a song fic. Lol peoplz!
Disclaimer: you actually think I'm smart enough to come up with this? Song belongs to Tait.
What I Wanted to Say
It was cloudy and raining, but the cars and people were still bustling about like usual. Like always. Raven observed it all from her apartment window on the top floor. Sitting on the window sill, she pressed her fingertips to the cool glass, feeling the condensed water between her hand and the glass.
She sighed and a long suppressed memory flutters back to life.
/I'm at a loss,
I'm at a loss for words, I really want to say
I'm finding for myself/
Raven stood, observing the rain from one of the highest windows in the Titan's Tower, tracing the trails of each little droplet as it raced down the slightly tinted window. Outsiders would find it hard to see inside the tower in the daytime.
She felt a presence behind her and didn't have to turn to know it was Beast Boy. She didn't know how she knew, just that she did. She was almost happy that it was him. Not that it mattered of course. But still, she was almost happy. And she was content to feel him behind her.
No, no, she would not let this memory continue. Raven squeezed her eyes shut for a minute as she tried to bury this memory away, but it struggled with a life of its own until she finally opened her eyes in defeat.
/What can I do
When every road I travel leads me back to you
Instead of somewhere else
I apologize/
Raven and Beast Boy stood in silence for a while; the only sound that could be heard was the steady pitter-patter of raindrops falling on the roof and window. Finally, Beast Boy decided to risk it and say what he had come up to say.
"Raven. Can I tell you something? You have to hear me out alright?"
Raven acknowledged his soft request with an even quieter "Sure."
"Ever since I first saw you, I've wanted to get to know you better. And I have gotten to know you better. We've fought side by side against so many villains, and there was that freaky little trip into your mirror. I've told countless very funny jokes and you've laughed- not literally maybe, but I can see it in your eyes."
He paused for a moment.
"What I'm trying to say Raven, is that I, I love you. I love you like I've loved no one else before, and I want you to know that. And I want to know, I wanna know how you feel about me."
Raven took this in slowly. She wished with all her heart that he hadn't said that. That he hadn't come up at all. And yet she was so very glad that he had.
Because she loved him, too. Deep down, she knew that she had always loved him. But she couldn't let that come out. She had to keep her emotions at a minimum. And full fledged love was far to much. And it hurt that this was the way it was.
He had been in her mind. He, of all people, should have figured out that she needed to keep her emotions down to a tiny spark. But here he was, fanning the flames, causing her feelings of love and pain to grow every passing second. She had to make it stop. She could already feel the glass start to vibrate beneath her finger.
"I don't love you," she said. She winced at the harshness of it.
/Cause what I wanted to say
Never came out the way
I wanted it to, I wanted it to/
"I can't love you," she whispered, almost as an afterthought.
/Cause what I wanted to say
Only got in the way
I never meant to hurt you
But I didn't have a clue/
Oh, how she wished she could tell him! Confess that she loved him too, that she would do and give anything for him. But she couldn't love him. It would endanger herself, her friends, the world, and most importantly, BB himself. Confessing to and continuing to love him would get in the way of her duty to protect them all from her inner demon.
And it hurt that she couldn't tell him, and it hurt even more knowing that she was hurting him. She didn't want to be hurting him, but she had no idea, not a single clue, how she could keep everything balanced if she told him.
The glass was shaking even harder now, and Raven knew she had to get away. And with that, she phased through the glass and flew away, hard and fast. Without so much as a goodbye.
And now, Raven sat in front of a window once more, and started tracing the beautiful, watery trails of the raindrops. Just like that day so long ago. Curious, how it was rainingjust like this, that fateful day, exactly a year ago, when she left the Teen Titans and never went back again. She hadn't been able to forget them though.
And though she could not allow herself shed the tears that longed to come out, it was as if the heavens were shedding the tears for her. A sad, but peaceful feeling washed over her.
She wondered if Beast Boy was somewhere far off, saving the day, or perhaps cracking some lame joke.
In that moment, she made the decision to indulge herself in just a little emotion- just a little so as not to blow the place up. She gently closed her eyes and pretended that all was well, and that she was kissing Beast Boy, her one true love. Little did she know that in reality, he was not that far off at all. That he was actually in the apartment across the busy street, by the window, pretending to be kissing an innocent little kiss with his one true love. His little black bird. His Raven.
/Cause what I wanted to say
Never came out the way
I wanted it to, I wanted it to
Cause what I wanted to say
Only got in the way
I never meant to hurt you
...
But I didn't have a clue/
A/N: now go be good people and review!