Collections
They were there for one of Lex Luthor's many fund-raising events, and, while they waited for the great man (not to mention Lois and Clark) to arrive, Jimmy and Perry were helping themselves to the many culinary delights available. Naturally, as it always did, their conversation drifted back to work.
"So, Jimmy, what are you working on at the moment?" asked Perry.
"Well, Chief, " replied Jimmy, "I was thinking of collecting together all of those Luthor urban myths."
"Luthor urban myths?" echoed a confused Perry.
"You know. Those patently untrue stories about the Luthors that have built up over time. To tell the truth, Lionel used to perpetuate them himself - every time he got drunk he'd tell some reporter or other a different story."
"Really?" asked an intrigued Perry.
"Yeah, he used to say that his visionary genius as a businessman was because he was actually a guy from the future called Tempest."
"Tempus," corrected Perry, remembering a night long ago. "So what other stories did he come out with?"
"Well, there was the tale of the last bearer of the Slytherin name. Reportedly, in the seventeenth century, he'd left England behind, in order to escape the Witchfinder General, only to end up in Salem and spark off some witch trials. Finally, in order to save his life, he was persuaded to renounce sin altogether, dropping the letters S, I and N from his name. And so it was that the evil House Of Slytherin became the benevolent House Of Lyther, but names, like all things, became corrupted over time, and so today it's known as the House Of Luthor."
"Hadn't heard that one," admitted Perry. "So, any others?"
"Well, there's one that's been going around recently that Lionel is actually spelt Lion-El. He used to live on Krypton but realized, like his brother Jor, that Krypton was about to explode. And so he set to work creating himself a spaceship, much faster than Kal-El's, to escape, and indeed he did, although he returned to the site of the explosion in his lead-lined ship and used his tractor beam to plunder the debris of Krypton for any jewels and gold therein (after all, Krypton was famous for its jewel mountains). Finally, with his ill-gotten gains he zoomed to Earth, getting there a decade or so before Kal, and once there felt new power surging within him. And then he went to look at the treasures he'd amassed and suddenly all of his powers disappeared."
"Wow, that's the most far-fetched story I've ever heard," said Perry.
"You've not heard the one about the two laboratory mice who mutated after being exposed to kryptonite in experiments. They then destroyed Lionel, created a life-size automaton replica of him, and together, via a series of levers and pulleys, were controlling him in an attempt to take over the world."
"Forget it, Jimmy," replied Perry, "Nobody in their right mind would want to read that stuff."
"But there's still the stories about what caused the rift between Clark and Superman, not to mention how Lex kept rewriting history by constantly quantum leaping into different people."
"No, Olsen, and that's my final word."
Jimmy looked despondent, but then he saw Clark and Lois entering the room out of the corner of his eye and they looked way more despondent than he ever could.
"Hey, CK. Everything okay?" he asked, as Clark and Lois walked over to them.
"It's Lois' cousin, Chloe," explained Clark. "We've just been over to see her in the hospital, but she just keeps talking, making no sense whatsoever."
"Just couldn't reason with her," added a subdued Lois.
Jimmy just looked at Lois and Clark, unable to think of any right words to say, while Perry put a hand on Lois' shoulder.
And then Lex entered, with the latest in his long line of beautiful escorts, only this time it was somebody they all recognized.
"Lana Lang," gasped Clark.
"And she's wearing black," gasped Lois, forgetting about her cousin momentarily.
While Lex worked the room, Lana Lang made a beeline straight for them.
"Hi, Lana," said Clark.
"Hey, Clark, Lois, Perry, and Jimmy," replied Lana, thrusting her figure-hugging outfit in Clark's direction, while looking at the others' solemn faces. "What's the matter with all of you. Meteor hit your parents?"
"It's Chloe," replied Lois, while Clark stood there shocked at Lana's last question. "It looks like she's got whatever mental illness her mother had."
Lana's smile dropped. "Hey, I'm really sorry, but you shouldn't give up hope. This is the twenty-first century after all, and the majority of mental illnesses can be treated successfully. And then there's the advances in medical science and, of course, if Superman would stop picking on my Lexy, and allow him to make a start on mapping the Kryptonian genome then all disease, let alone mortality, would be conquered reasonably soon." Lana turned her face to Clark's. "Just think, Clark, if he'd only done it a lot sooner, then Jonathan might still be alive."
Clark turned away from them. "I need to get some air," he muttered, as he headed towards the balcony.
"Hope it wasn't anything I said," said Lana, looking at the dumbstruck faces around her.
"Are you okay, Lana?" asked Lois, amazed that Lana knew the word genome.
"Of course I am, Lois," replied Lana. "The same as ever. Maybe you're just a bit jealous of the way Clark was looking at me."
"He couldn't help but look at you," responded Lois with disdain.
"Yeah, but he didn't need to use his X-ray vision, did he? Oh by the way, Lois, if you're still wearing that pink underwear in a vain attempt to copy me, let me tell you something, black's the new pink."
Lana looked around at the shocked faces. "Oh wait, did I let the big secret slip. Oops, my bad."
Lex followed Clark onto the balcony.
"How did it get like this?" asked Clark, looking away from Lex, into the night sky.
"I believe it was when you destroyed my comic collection," replied Lex. "Things have never been the same between us since. I had to get a whole new collection, you know, and it was all your fault."
"I'm not talking about your stupid comic collection, Lex. I was talking about Lana."
"Lana?" replied Lex, the hint of a smile on his face.
"Yes, Lana. What have you done to her, Lex?"
"Oh, you care so much about Lana now, don't you? But you chose Lois over her, didn't you? You just left Lana and Chloe behind."
"You know I care for Lana," replied Clark, trying not to get angry, trying not to leave his fingerprints in the iron rail he was grasping. "Whereas you just treat her like all your women. Just like an object."
"Actually, history has taught me to treat them as potential death threats," said Lex unemotionally. "Still, if you care for Lana so much, how come you laughed so much at Chloe's Lana jokes."
"You know about those?" asked Clark.
"What's got four legs and goes woof? Lana's parents - and that's one of the kinder ones. Yes, I know all about those."
"Chloe told you?" said Clark, hoping that that was the source.
"No, Lana did," replied Lex. "She overheard you once. Still, that's a long time ago, and I'm looking after Lana now - treating her with respect - like I'd treat any precious object."
"What, mold her in your own image?" asked Clark, remembering the black-clad Lana he'd just left.
"That's not the real Lana," laughed Lex. "That's just a copy that I can get my dirty fingerprints all over. Don't you remember anything about my collections, Clark? I always keep two copies."
Suddenly Lex's words hit him. "She's a clone?"
"Yes, we've managed to get rid of the skin faults - all that garish white skin, but the process still twists their internal logic and inverts their IQ. However, in some people's case that turned out to be an improvement."
"You mean that's …" started Clark.
Lex nodded. "Bizarro Lana. It's kind of funny really - I was sure everyone would like her."
"And the real Lana?" asked Clark.
"Oh, don't worry, Clark. She's being preserved in mint condition in a lead-lined cryogenic chamber somewhere with the rest of my collection. You'd probably know some of the names - Lang, Teschmacher … Sullivan."
THE END