Summary: Sirius is gone. Remus wonders, "What if?"
Disclaimer: I own nothing
What if?
Those two words are the most painful thing I have ever heard. Every time I think of you, those are the words that burn in my mind and I can't get them out. I can't get rid of them. I'm not sure if I want to anymore.
-o-o-o-
What if I hadn't told you to stop?
I remember when we were in 6th year and you were walking out the door of the dormitory and I saw your back retreating. Somehow I couldn't make my mouth work and my head was spinning because you'd just kissed me – kissed me, when I'd been in love with you for years- and you looked so hurt when I just sat there, stunned, and you apologized and left and...
"Siri, wait, stop..." It was my voice, at last, rough and quiet. I walked over to you and all I remember noticing that your eyes were sparkling with crystal tears. "Nothing to be sorry for," I murmured and then I kissed you back.
-o-o-o-
What if I hadn't told you to stop?
Maybe you only get one chance like that in a lifetime.
I wish I hadn't used it then, because even though we got together and stayed together for years and it was wonderful and, it's such a cliché, but you made me so happy, even then, I still wish you hadn't turned around.
We wouldn't have gotten together, but you would still be alive. You probably wouldn't have gone to the Department of Mysteries, and even if you had gone, maybe you wouldn't have entered that room at that moment;
I remember now how, running in to the fight, you pulled me away from a death eater I'd been fighting who was twice as big as me and had me pinned against a wall, choking me, and I was so scared because not being able to breathe has always panicked me and there was no-one around so you kissed me and held me tight and then we ran in, then, two minutes after we would have and maybe those two minutes didn't make a difference and maybe they made all the difference in the world.
-o-o-o-
We got split apart in the crowd, but we were both fighting, so it was OK, and I dispatched a Death Eater or two, and...
And then she attacked you, and I was fighting someone else, and then... then I looked up.
I saw you fall back, arching your spine slightly, leaning towards the curtain.
The collar of your robe had jerked aside and I saw the tiny bite mark I had made there that morning and the way your hair curled in jet black swirls around your collar and the silvery-grey of your eyes that almost shimmered as you searched out mine.
And you mouthed three words and my heart stopped and it was felt like I had been stabbed and then you were falling and the curtain swung and you were gone and I was holding Harry back and he was crying...
And then somehow I managed to blank it out of my mind because I couldn't handle it and we got out of that place and back to Hogwarts.
-o-o-o-
I comforted Harry and I scouted for Dumbledore and I sorted everything out and I even signed your death certificate because Dumbledore said he needed it signed to send it away and people said how sorry they were and I just nodded...
And then everyone was taken care of and I set foot outside the castle doors and suddenly a gust of wind blew and it smelled of freshness and fun and the time on a summer night we went paddling in the lake together and you fell in and suddenly
I was running and crying and shaking and I ran into the forest and over trees and through bushes and around stones until my skin was torn and scratched and until my legs gave way and my mind still wanted to run but my body couldn't keep pace.
I looked around and I was in the middle of the trees and they were looming around me and I punched the nearest one until my knuckles bled and I howled and that reminded me of you too so I turned and ran again, even though it hurt and my lungs were raw and my eyes were burning and I couldn't forget you no matter how hard I tried.
-o-o-o-
When I ran out of the forest I headed to the lake and when I got there I saw the tree where we had written our names in first year, and where in 5th year you had written 'Padfoot loves Moony' and it was still there and then it seemed like all the anger was used up and I crumpled to the ground in front of the tree and I sobbed until my eyes were red and my throat was red and my knuckles were red from blood and my heart felt red raw too because I couldn't forget.
"I love you." That's what you mouthed, wasn't it, Sirius, falling through the veil, and I don't know what to do because you never said I love you, and I'd said it before and you laughed or smiled or kissed me or stroked my hair but you never, never ONCE, said I love you back and then you had to say it when you were falling and it was too bloody late.
I stayed out beside the lake all night and watched the stars and the tears in my eyes seemed to blur them all into a black and golden river except your star, because it was right above me and right until the sun started arching light across the sky it was all I could see.
-o-o-o-
When the sky was streaked all with pink and orange and gold and the sun came up and stung my eyes I stood, and somehow I wished I was angry or hurt or... or anything, any feeling at all,but I was just numb and empty and everything seemed grey so I wandered back to Hogwarts. I went up to our dormitoy and stood in front of your bed and remembered how we used to share it sometimes and wondered how on earth I was going to keep living without you because I'd already lost you once and that was more than enough.
Then I sighed and I didn't know what else to do so I went home and somehow I just got on with it and kept going and days went by and weeks went by and months went by and life went on and on but I never quite lost the feeling that half my heart was numb.
-o-o-o-
It's years later now, years and years, and I think about you every day and that sounds like a lot but it isn't so much really because to be honest you are always on my mind. I talk to you in my head sometimes, Siri, and it isn't because I'm mad or because I think you can hear me because I know you can't, it's just because I'm lost without you and I'm lonely and I need you so much and I need someone to talk to and you were the only one that always understood.
-o-o-o-
There are times when I forget though, those moments when I wake up and reach out and think I'm going to feel you beside me, just in those few moments between awake and asleep when I haven't quite remembered that you're gone.
After every transformation, too, when I come to bleeding and scratched and with broken bones and tears running down my cheeks and wait for you to come and pick me up and hug me and wipe the tears away and put me back together because no matter how much I was falling apart it felt like you could also pull me together, but you never arrive.
I know I shouldn't do that, know it hurts, know that there's no point in even thinking 'what if?', because I already bloody know 'what if', don't I? I used up my 'what if?' a long time ago and you're not coming back this time, Siri, are you? You're not coming back.
-o-o-o-
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