No one told him it would be this hard.
Yes, to be fair, if he must be fair, no one told him anything, no one likes to tell Thor anything, they just kind of assume he won't get it, and yeah maybe he won't get it immediately, he's the type who likes to hit first and think later if he can get away with it, but no one told him anything and now there's no one to tell him anything.
Let alone anyone to tell him that it would be this hard.
Well ok, that's a lie. Val is around. Somewhere. She's tried to kick his ass halfway into the ocean at least three times now but there's a look on her face that stops her and he knows what that is - Thor's not stupid or unobservant he just - he's just always had other people around to do the thinking for him so he doesn't have to.
He reaches for another beer and Korg puts a cold one in his hand and Korg's hand isn't the right shade of blue and the beer isn't almost fucking freezing.
Thor needs a moment.
He can't he can't he can't he can't- Banner is looking at him like he's a sad bedraggled puppy who's lost its master and Thor is just going to ignore that because he is not going to be pitied damn it all, he will not be pitied.
He will be ignored if he wants to be ignored, he will endure their curious looks, but for all that is good and (is there anything good left- how many of his people still live) he will not let them pity him.
It is the silences that are the most difficult.
The sitting and waiting and there just being nothing.
Nothing.
Thor's thoughts fill his head until it is unbearable and Korg brings a Playstation. Or something.
Thor fills his days.
The snow blankets the world in silence. Korg isn't back yet - it'll take him a while and Thor's no longer quite so mad at them running out of beer because that's what happens right? You drink the beer and it runs out?
He lets the wind bite at his face, feels the chill stab at the tips of his fingers, watches the tiny crystals collect on the back of his hand.
Thor liked summer and Loki was winter - two sides of her coin, Mother used to say. Thor threw the fastest snowballs but Loki would always find a way to work snow into the craziest places.
Thor shudders remembering the sensation of cold water dripping all the way down his back, cracks a smile at the memory of ten year old Loki's grin, at the snow figures they would make in the courtyard, into the shapes they'd carve out of ice - his crude animals shaped with a knife and his brother's flowers and plants shaped with seidr.
Space is cold, a thought winds its way into his head.
He shakes it out, Loki always liked the cold.
You left him there, the thought takes root, floating around in space. Unclaimed. Unwanted. Lost.
Thor chokes back a sob and slams the window shut.
If he hadn't asked, Loki wouldn't have come.
If Loki hadn't come, he wouldn't have taken the tesseract.
If he hadn't taken the tesseract, he wouldn't have died.
If he hadn't died, Thor wouldn't have wanted to hurt Thanos so much that half the universe died - half the universe, half the universe he traded for revenge for his brother except that revenge does not raise the dead.
If he hadn't come, Thor would not have rediscovered what it's like to have a brother to love.
Besides, Loki gave Thanos the tesseract - he traded the entire universe for Thor.
"Where are you going?"
"I don't know," he says.
Val looks at him over the rim of her beer mug, looks into him.
Thor tries not to fidget.
She takes a swig, crashes her mug against his, "you have to go?"
He tightens the grip he has on the handle, not so much that it'll crack and smash itself into a thousand tiny particles into his palm, but just enough to feel the edges dig into his skin.
He nods.
She finishes her mug, levels him with a serious gaze.
"Say it, Thor."
He blinks.
"You've got to say it, "she says, "you have to say the words. If you can't say it, you don't believe in it and you can't do it."
"I have to go," he says.
She nods, puts a hand on his shoulder, "you're going with them? The ones who picked you up?"
He nods again, feels the lump in his throat, licks his lips and stares up at the lamp instead.
"I'm gonna bring him home."
She squeezes his shoulder until he turns.
"No, Thor," she says, "you're gonna go send him home. And then, then, you're gonna come home."
His brow knits, he wants to throw up - his home doesn't exist anymore, how can she- why would she- he can't he can't he- it's-
"You said it yourself," she says quietly, "Asgard is not a place, it's a people. Wherever you go out there, know that you can always come back to us. It doesn't have to be now, we know you're not ready, and it doesn't have to be soon, we live long lives, but it'd be nice," she looks wistfully out the window, "it'd sure be nice if you dropped by eventually to say hi."
Thor's mug is shaking.
He puts it down.
Thor's hands are shaking.
He puts them down on the table.
The lamplight is blurry.
The hand on his shoulder squeezes, gently.
"Not all tears are evil," she says.
Thor weeps.
Loki and Val don't really sleep well, Thor learns very quickly on the ship - he wakes up from a nightmare of Mother dying, goes in search of something to drink and finds two people already in his drink cabinet.
He frowns at how empty the cabinet looks.
Val rolls her eyes, slides him a mug filled with something that looks suspiciously like the bottle he'd been saving for Mother's-oh.
Loki raises his glass.
Thor scowls but takes a sip.
Cold then sweet then warm as it winds its way down his throat - Mother would-
"Mother would have loved this," Loki says, "good choice."
Thor grunts.
"A toast," Val says, "to Asgard."
Both Loki and Thor whirl around.
She laughs, "You should see yourselves right now - you sure you're not related?"
"We're brothers," Thor snaps, "of course we're related."
Val rolls her eyes, "I mean blood-related, dumbass. I haven't had any brothers but I've had sisters and we weren't all blood-related or that'd get messy fast…"
Thor chokes on his mug.
"Brothers are like sisters but worse," Loki says smugly, "I would know, I have both. Or well, had, I suppose."
"Our sister just destroyed our home," Thor says into his drink.
"Good point," Loki sips thoughtfully, "I only tried to stab you. I suppose there's a difference."
Val laughs, "Well, did you succeed?"
Thor sighs and tugs his collar down to reveal a tiny pink scar.
Val cackles, "Brothers sure sound like fun."
"We're hiring," Loki says dryly, "I hear there's an interview process."
"First question," Thor grins, "Can you turn into a snake?"
Val rolls her eyes, "No, but I'm a real Valkyrie and you've always wanted to be one but you can't so the next best thing is to have one as a sister. Next."
Thor gapes at her, "I mean yes but that's-"
Loki smirks, "If you can tease this big idiot into silence, you're definitely in," his mug clinks with hers, "sister."
"Wait," Thor says, "did we just get another crazy warrior older sister? We just-"
"Got rid of one, yes," Loki grins, "Which means there's space for another, sheesh, Thor, have you been paying attention? Seriously, what the kingdom would have come to if it had been you running it I don't know…"
"You ran Asgard?"
"Only for four years," Loki waves a hand, Thor snorts, "and only- well… At least it didn't end in ruin!"
"You wrote the most terrible play about your fake death - it was worse than the drivel you wrote for our tutors in class!"
"And they performed it for four years because I asked them to, your problem being?"
Val's hand waves in the air like a flag.
They stop talking and turn to her. Thor motions for her to continue.
"Can I take it back? I don't think I want to babysit two idiots."
The brothers look at each other. Loki rolls his eyes. Thor just raises his eyebrows.
"No, dear sister."
"It's too late."
"No backsies."
"No backsies?!"
"It's a Midgardian term," Loki sniffs, "clearly too sophisticated for your simple brain."
"I do think!"
"Uh huh," Loki says slowly, "I'm sure you do. I'm sure you do, brother."
"Hey big guy," Rocket yells, "what the fuck is this?"
"I am Groot," Groot snarks.
"Yeah well it's not for minors, buddy," Rocket says, holding the bottle up, "so stay away from it."
"Mmph," Thor says around his toothbrush, "Mmrgh?"
Rocket rolls his eyes, "I'd be able to read it if it had an Earth label. And it was in your things."
Thor raises his eyebrows, shuffles self-consciously over, overly large waist wrapped with a towel.
"Rinse first," Rocket snaps.
Thor rolls his eyes but does as he is told and heads back into the bathroom. He doesn't remember packing a bottle.
In fact, to be fair, he barely remembers packing in the first place.
He rinses, spits.
Oh.
He sits by his bunk, alone. Mantis likes to get them to leave him alone at nights and he appreciates that.
It's definitely one of Val's bottles.
He doesn't know where she would have gotten that (probably wheedled off of an unsuspecting Asgardian) or when but there can't be very many left in the universe - Asgardian wine takes time and they've barely had time to catch a breath even after these five long years.
He gently peels the cloth wrappings aside, tugs the bottle out and places it onto the table.
A slip of paper falls out as he folds the cloth into a neat square.
He picks up the card.
You are not alone, the note reads.
Brother.