DISCLAIMER: Doesn't belong to me. Only the plot, my loves.
Summary: This is Christine's point of view of the events in the Point of No Return scene. Her thoughts about Raoul, Erik, and everything in between. One-shot, E/C.
"Passarino…"
I didn't have to hear any more than that to know. I could tell. My ears had drunk countless words from that poison tongue, and I knew. It was him. My Angel of Music, but also the man keeping me inside his prison. I was bound, and I was trapped.
He sang the next few lines of the play in that voice of his, that sophisticated voice that I so longed to hate. That voice that had captured my affections since I was so young. He was the Angel that my father had promised me, but I had no idea that this entire mess would come with it. I loved Raoul, but deep inside of my heart, I knew that I loved Erik as well. He was my teacher, my protector, my Angel.
I looked over my shoulder. My gown was elegant and feisty all the same, but I paid no attention to the vibrant color scheme as I looked at Erik. Oh, my Erik. My phantom, my ghost, my beautiful, terrible Angel. He had murdered Piangi. That much I was sure of.
"– in pursuit of that wish which till now has been silent…" His voice floated through my ears gracefully, and I wanted to inhale as much of his harmonious voice as I possibly could. I stared at him, and he knew that I was aware of what had happened. He knew from my eyes. He often stared into my eyes. I knew I shouldn't love him, but oh…I just could not resist. "Silent…"
I knew that I was the only person in the entire Opera House, other than perhaps Madam Giry, that knew who Don Juan was really being portrayed by. I recognized that voice, that posture, that face, anywhere.
"I have brought you, that our passions may fuse and merge!"
I so wanted to do what he had just spoken of. But what about Raoul? I have never been in such a confused state as I am when I think about both of the men whom I love. I have my Raoul, who is so sweet and charming, who protects me from this confusion that leers down upon me.
"In your mind you've already succumbed to me; dropped all defenses, completely succumbed to me…"
And then I have my Erik, who taught me everything I knew; everything that mattered, anyway. Erik was so dark and mysterious. He was a murderer of all that I knew, but I could not bring myself to hate him. He was twisted, he was despicable, but he was my Angel.
And he was right, I have succumbed to him. My only defense against his tempting proposition was my love (and engagement) to Raoul. I looked up at him briefly. He was on edge, fidgeting in his seat, looking confused at what was going on around the stage. He seemed unaware that this actor, this Don Juan, was really the ghost that had been haunting me for my entire life.
"Now you are here with me…no second thoughts…"
He was wrong there. He was so very wrong. He smirked at me in that sadistic way of his, but I was not abashed. I was thinking about what he had just sung. Simply, Raoul was my second thought. I wanted to stay with both of them, but quite frankly, that couldn't happen. I was in love with two men. One, perfect and kind and everything I had ever dreamed of. The other, someone I despised and thought despicable, but was so very beautiful. His talent was breathtaking. He was breathtaking.
"You've decided…" A pause as he took a breath. "Decided…"
He sauntered over to me in one count, his black cloak swishing over his shoulder as he stared at me. Those deep, dark, empty eyes, boring into my own, boring into my soul with such intensity. I stood there silently, reading him like the journal he was. I did not make a noise or any expression. I could not betray what I was thinking. Oh, my Angel, why must you confuse me so?
"Past the point of no return…"
He moved around me then, never once removing his eyes from my own. I would have been intimidated, had I not been so madly in love with him. Despite his imperfect face that I had seen on one occasion before, I thought he was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. I wanted him, I loved him, and I wanted to cross the line between what was right and what was easy. I was ready to join him and never return back to the life I knew. I refused to look up at Raoul, for I was afraid my decision might have been altered if I did.
"No backward glances." A smart choice then, it seemed.
"Our games of make believe are at an end…"
So it seemed that they were. This entire time, ever since he had let himself be known to me that fateful day that I met Andre and Firmin, we had been playing around. We wanted each other, but I wanted Raoul too. And I had managed to sneak my way into having them both. But now, he was serious. Erik was no longer playing. He wanted me for himself, and I had no doubt that he was going to take all measures to get what he wanted.
"Past all thought of 'if' or 'when' – no use resisting…"
How could he read my mind so clearly? Was my mind such an easel of emotion that he could see my thoughts of doubt? I wanted to be with him, I really did, but he was a monster. He was a murderer, a killer, and a genius. I wanted to be with Raoul too…I didn't know what to do, and I tried to resist Erik because I thought Raoul was the easier, more correct choice. Was I wrong?
"Abandon thought, and let the dream descend…"
Perhaps that is what I should have done. I was thinking too much. I looked once again over my shoulder as he pranced skillfully around the stage, tricking the audience into thinking that he was really part of the production. I chanced a glance at Madam Giry and the stage crew. Madam seemed to be the only one aware of what was going on, and what the words of the opera really meant. I closed my eyes as he sang, letting his wonderful voice fill me up with everything he had. A picture formed behind my closed eyelids and I saw myself down in Erik's lair, dungeon, and surprisingly enough, I felt like I belonged. What did this mean?
"What raging fire shall flood the soul? What rich desire unlocks its door?"
His words were so angelic and truthful. He sang them with such a passion that I felt my heart swell. Raoul was charming, but he was not a natural artist like Erik. Oh, no, he was no Erik, not at all. I listened as my beautiful Angel of Music sang to me, his eyes locked onto mine like some sort of magnetic force. He strode over to me, while keeping a beat with the orchestral music below the stage and took my arm into his hands.
"What sweet seduction lies before us?"
His arms moved along my bare arm artistically. His hands were so strong, but they were so faint and cold. I felt a shiver run along my spine at his touch. How could something so rough feel so tender and loving? Only Erik could pull that off. Only Erik.
His eyes grinned at me, grinned with such an emotion that I had to gasp. I was out of breath, I was turning pale, I could tell. I was so mesmerized by Erik's song, his beautiful composition, that I didn't notice the lust in those eyes of his. I knew he loved me, but I seemed oblivious to his lust. His lust for my flesh, for my warm heart. My mouth was still open in breathlessness when he continued with his song.
"Past the point of no return…the final threshold…"
He was right. Very soon, it would be my time to sing, and that meant my final decision was due. I couldn't go back. If I chose to stay with Raoul, Erik would never take me in. He would despise me and shun me like all those others had done to him. If I chose to stay with Erik, however, I would be condemned to a life of darkness. I knew I could not have both ways. I was crossing the final line, moving through the final archway, passing the final threshold. This was it.
"What warm unspoken secrets will we learn?"
Very good question, my love. I wish to learn of you. Your past, your present, your future. Every nook and cranny of your life. I love you. I may love Raoul as well, but I will not abandon you. I have come this far, haven't I? You and I. Our own little secret. Our forbidden love. My private affair. You are mine. We are a secret to the world.
"Beyond the point of no return…"
And he was finished. He bowed, but so slightly that I was the only one to notice it. I stood as tall as my barefooted body would let me, and I turned to him briefly. He was staring at me again. I don't think he had ever stopped. I was in the spotlight. I had about two seconds to make my decision. And once I had, I began to sing.
"You have brought me to that moment where words run dry…"
And it was true. Even my throat seemed sort of sore, but I still sang like the Angel he had raised me to be. I didn't know what I could possibly speak in those words of the opera, but I had to think fast.
"To that moment where speech disappears into silence…"
And without even meaning to, I looked up at the man I was engaged to. I looked up at Raoul, and the second my eyes connected with his, he knew what was going on. That Don Juan was truly Erik, and that I had to make my decision within these few sacred moments of my song. His eyes become glassy. Looking back at Erik, I saw that his eyes had followed me up to the other man that I loved. I did not want to look at Erik after that.
"Silence…"
My heart was silent. My brain was silent. Every part of me other than my voice was silent, because I was numb. Numb with confusion and numb with love.
"I have come here, hardly knowing the reason why…"
Well, I really couldn't admit to Erik that Raoul had convinced me to face him one last time so that the guards could rid us of him once and for all. But I didn't want that to happen, I wanted to be with Erik. I wanted to stay with my Angel.
"In my mind I've already imagined our bodies entwining defenseless and silent…"
It was not a lie. I loved my Raoul endlessly, but I could not help the dark fantasies that dawdled with my Erik. I loved him too. I have repeated all of this several times in my head, but I still could not convince myself that I really loved them both. I had to choose, and it was not easy. I had been in Raoul's arms many a night, but Erik I was still dreaming about. Laying together with that man, with my Angel. It would be nothing short of bliss, perfection, and wonderful.
"Now I am here with you; no second thoughts…"
This was it. We were staring at each other, gazing with such emotion and love in our eyes. I have no doubt that Raoul noticed, but right now, he was not on my mind. Right now, it was nobody but Erik and I. We were alone in a separate world. This was not a play, not an opera. This was a real decision for me, for us. What I spoke in my next few lines of song would affect my life no matter which way. There was no audience, there was no stage. There was only me…and my Angel. My Angel of Music.
"I've decided…" I took a deep breath. I was ready for the plunge. "Decided…"
"Past the point of no return – no going back now…"
We were circling each other, entwining our love and affections in a bind of music. Music, which had brought us together. Looking at him, I realized I never saw anyone who was more beautiful than my Erik. He was magnificent, genius, magical. He was an angel. And this was serious. I was no longer playing around. I could not toy with him or Raoul any longer. I had to choose one, and I had to choose now.
"Our passion-play has now, at last, begun!"
It was so very true. I could feel his passion for me radiate all around the opera house as we headed for the stairwells, each one of us an opposite. We slowly trudged up those stairs, never once looking away from each other. Oh, here it comes.
"Past all thought of right and wrong – one final question!"
I had to ask him. I could not wait any longer. I was going to burst with anticipation and countless other things if I did not rush into his arms right then. I was lusting for him; I was in need of him. Raoul was watching, wide and glassy-eyed as the scene in front of him progressed. The scene that would determine the fate of me, of Erik, and of Raoul.
"How long should we two wait, before we're one?"
And I said it. He looked at me, slightly taken aback, but not really as he seemed to know I had succumbed to him. He said so himself before. I should have known he'd have a triumphant look on his face. I didn't want to look at my fiancée, for I knew that in his eyes would be heartbreak so intense that I would probably collapse right on those stairs.
"When will the blood begin to race, the sleeping bud burst into bloom?"
I was getting excited now. I was immersed in the passion surrounding us. His blackened eyes stared into my own as we continued climbing that never-ending staircase. I had a slight smile on my face as my own blood began to race and I began to get more shivers. Still, I sang for him. I sang for my Angel.
"When will the flames at last consume us?"
We were at the top. We finally reached the balcony. There was nothing but twelve feet of ground separating us. I longed to be in his arms again, feeling him twirl me or caress me. I didn't look at Raoul, for I figured that I would not be able to bear his reaction. I threw him from my mind and I looked forward where my Angel seemed to linger, waiting for me.
Together, we sang. We somehow knew the words, we somehow fit them for our situation, and we somehow moved at a perfect pace to reach each other. We were impatient and we had to feel each other again.
"Past the point of no return – the final threshold…"
This was it. He was merely a few feet away from my lonesome body. We sang in a perfect harmony and I wanted nothing more than to touch him again as I looked at his face. His perfect, beautiful face. Oh, yes, this was my Angel.
"The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn…"
We were inching closer and closer. I could not wait anymore. I needed him next to me, with me. He grabbed me and pulled me against him. Those strong hands were on my back, pulling me closer to his chest. I was more than happy to oblige as I held my hands in his. I did not look him in the face, but that was okay because he spun me around and next thing I knew, my back was against his front. I felt him, all of him. He was so wonderful, my Angel. We were alone in a world by ourselves. Nobody else was there to tell me which road to take, which path to follow. I had made a decision and it was too late to back down.
"We've passed the point of no return..."
I was still pressed against him. My eyes were closed and I was feeling incredibly content. Erik had his head in my curls, feeling completely comfortable with me, as I felt with him. His hands found their way atop my own and together, we traced the front of my body as we sang the last line of our song in a melodious tune.
His hands left mine and headed for my hair. My eyes were still closed and I did not feel, see, or hear anything other than my Angel. I knew the orchestra was still playing below, but that did not register in my mind. Suddenly, I felt his hands tangle in my curls and I heard him sing what was surely not written in the script.
"Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime…"
Oh. My. Goodness. He was there? On the roof? I knew I had heard his voice! I knew that voice almost as though it were my own. As I turned around to look at my Angel in confusion, I looked at Raoul for a single moment. He looked hurt and confused. I certainly could not blame him, for I felt the same way.
"Lead me, save me from my solitude…"
So he had changed the initial words a bit, but that was okay. It was still beautiful. His voice came out as a whisper, but I knew the entire opera house could hear what he was singing to me. I looked into his deep eyes as his hands moved all around me. He sounded so bold, so cautious. Tears were forming in my eyes. He could not seem to find the strength to sing the rest of the song. He grabbed my hands in his own as my first tear fell and sang with such fervor that I immediately knew which one I loved with the fullness of my heart.
"Say you want me with you here, beside you…"
He gave me a ring as he sang to me, and I accepted, unable to do anything else. His next words gave me chills and I looked up at him with my vision blurred from my tears.
"Anywhere you go, let me go too –"
I wanted to oblige, I really did. I loved him. I loved Erik with all of me.
"Christine, that's all I ask of –"
And I loved every part of him. That was why I didn't let him finish his serenade. Before he could utter the final word, I unclasped my hand from his and reached up to touch his face, where I knew his distortion was. I fingered the edge of his mask before I finally removed it completely.
I heard a loud gasp from the crowd and I knew things were about to get ugly, but I didn't care as Erik and I spent a few final moments staring into each other's eyes. The compassion was gone from his, but I knew that was because he was angry. I didn't care. I wanted desperately to tell him how much I loved him and how perfect he was…but I didn't get a chance.
Because at that moment, he grabbed me firmly around the waist and set up a disaster. Momentarily, we were heading to where I knew his lair was and I couldn't help but think to myself that that was where I truly belonged.
This was my first shot at a Phantom of the Opera fic, but I really hope you guys liked it. I will be writing more, when it isn't two in the morning, and I please ask that you let me know what you think in a review.
With love,
The Almighty Cheez It