Hi everyone, I know, it's me after a really long hiatus. Trust me, I had a good reason to not write for over six months. To say I lost my muse would be an understatement. More like it was crushed, killed and buried, but now, slowly it is coming back. If you read my other stories, they will get finished, when I don't know. Romance right now is rather difficult for me, but they will be done, that I promise.
This is my first fic in over six months, one that I am even comfortable enough to publish. I have to give thanks to peyton4life, mida212, blamesmellycat and gleekkylc for helping me get my muse back and just being there for me in general. They are awesome ladies.
As you all know, Glee is not mine. It's just something l like to play with.
Finn sat there in the back of the auditorium; no one bothered him or even looked at him. Everyone's eyes were focused on the front at the podium on the stage, were Figgins stood there solemnly. He listened to the all too familiar tap into the microphone, making the already quiet crowd even silent. Finn had to admit he was curious as to why all the teachers ushered the students to the auditorium instead of first period today, and all the students had been nervously talking and whispering this morning too.
So he sat there, curious and bored in the chair waiting for whatever announcement was to come, as Miss Pillsbury came up on stage with three other people that he didn't recognize. He was pretty sure they didn't work at McKinley, and Miss P's eyes were bloodshot and puffy like she had been crying. Why would she have been crying? Why did she think it was okay to come out in front of everyone like that? Wasn't she supposed to be like calm and unemotional for everyone? Finn sat up and leaned forward as Figgins started talking about 'a tragedy' and 'no one knows how long they have.' Finn tried to follow along, but only parts of the speech reached him, and from what he heard, it sounded like someone had died, but who? Kurt hadn't burst through his room over the weekend with all the gossip on some tragedy. Puck hadn't called to want to have a beer in the person's honor (not like Puck didn't need an excuse for to have a beer or a shot). Finn scratched his head and leaned even closer, straining to hear Figgins because the sound system was really sucking in the auditorium.
Finally, near the end, it was like the sound system fixed itself and turned the volume up, because Finn heard what Figgins said next, loud and clear, "The showing and funeral of our quarterback, number five, Finn Christopher Hudson will be Tuesday morning at St. Jude's."
Finn fell back into his chair, dumbstruck. He was dead.
Finn stood inside the sanctuary and stared at his casket that sat at the base of the altar, closed. Why did he have a closed casket? What happened to him? Finn tried to remember what had happened, but the only thing he remembered was high fiving Puck at the end of school and telling him he'd see him in a couple of hours in the stadium locker room. That was it. He couldn't remember anything else, no matter how hard he tried.
He watched as students passed down the aisle and gave condolences to his mom, who was sitting in a chair, crying constantly, Puck standing to her side with a hand on her shoulder and her boyfriend Burt standing on the other, in the same position. Finn could feel himself want to cry, he wanted to cry, his face scrunched up, a tightness in his chest, but no tears came to relieve that feeling. He moved down the aisle, closer to his mom, but still keeping his distance, afraid to get too close.
Afraid to spook her.
He watched as his girlfriend, Quinn Fabray and her mother come down and offered their condolences, but no support. There was no, "What can we do for you? We will help you in any way we can?" or any other bullshit like that. It was just a "sorry for your loss" and they walked on, Quinn making a show of standing at his casket, her hand laid on top and a single tear rolling down her cheek. She was still gorgeous and heartbreaking to look at, but in that minute, Finn could see her coldness and calculating nature and shook his head thinking that he was a fool to ever think that she was warm and loving, because a true girlfriend would be bawling her eyes out, not allowing a single tear to not ruin her makeup.
Finn shook his head but continued to watch as the football and basketball team came and surrounded his mom in hugs and sorries, more emotion coming from them then his own girlfriend. Then he saw Kurt come down, his eyes red and puffy, dragging a small girl with him. She was crying too, but Finn didn't recognize her. She had on a simple black dress with a red sash and black flats, her dark brown hair was in a low ponytail. He saw how she had a death grip on Kurt's hand as they walked down the aisle. Finn moved even closer to his mom, because he wanted to hear what Kurt had to say, and because he was curious who the little girl was.
As he came closer he saw Kurt kneel down in front of his mom and place his head in her lap and hug her hard, "I'm so sorry for you Carole, and for us. We were going to be a real family and I was going to have a brother and now this. I'm so, so sorry. You don't deserve this and Finn didn't deserve to die either." Finn let a small smile out as he heard Kurt, but then he frowned, what did he mean they were going to be a family? Then Finn saw the diamond ring on his mom's left hand, and it hit him, Burt had proposed. He was going to have a dad and he had to get killed? That totally sucked.
Then Finn heard Kurt introduce the crying little girl to his mom, "Carole, this is Rachel Berry. She's a friend of mine from glee club." Finn watched in interest as Rachel dabbed at her eyes and took a calming breath before gripping his mom in a tight hug and whispering something in her ear, causing his mom to have a tiny smile and to kiss her cheek. Whatever Rachel Berry had said to his mom had made her a little happy, and his mom didn't even give his own girlfriend a kiss on the cheek. Finn gazed on as Kurt and Rachel walked to his casket, and watched her lay her hand over where his head would have been and said something softly. Finn knew he couldn't hear them, but yet he did, in his head, "I hope that you now have some peace," and felt a slight warm pressure on his forehead.
Finn sat there, stunned as the procession family and friends kept coming down the aisle, to talk to his mom and walk by his casket, but no one touched the casket and touching him like Rachel Berry had. Finally Finn moved towards him mom, who was now sitting in the front pew and sat in the space beside her. He watched the priest come out and bring everyone to order by standing over his casket and making the sign of the cross, which actually felt like he was actually doing it to Finn's forehead.
He didn't like this, he didn't like this at all. The last thing he remembered wass that he was in the parking lot after school on Friday telling Puck he'd see him in a couple of hours for pre-game warm ups, and then nothing.
He can't remember anything.
Obviously he died because his body is in a casket having prayers said over it and his mom is crying and he's sitting next to his mom and no one can see him and he's scared. Like really in truly scared. So he does what he's always done since he was little, he lays his head down in his mom's lap, the only thing missing is her running her fingers through his hair, her nails lightly scrapping his scalp to calm him down, because she doesn't know that he's there, because he's a fuckin' ghost and dead.
Finn stays like that though, through his whole funeral, with his head in him mom's lap, even though she didn't know it, giving him some peace. He watched as Puck, Mike and several of his teammates are his pall bearers and carry his casket towards the hearse waiting outside the church. He watches his mom cling to Burt and the priest as they walk her towards a car. He stands at one of the stained glass windows and watch as the casket is placed in the hearse and then slowly moves away with a trail of cars and trucks behind it, taking his body to its final internment, probably next to his dad.
Finn keeps staring outside as the last car left the parking lot, wondering if he would feel the dirt being thrown on his coffin like he felt the priest do the sign of the cross? What happened to him that he died? He just can't remember no matter how hard he tries. As he's lost in thought, he heard an angelic voice singing, loud and clear filling the narthex.
Finn is drawn to the opening at the front of the church and found the small girl, Rachel Berry, two men and several ladies from the church setting up the family dinner. Finn observed as one of the men came up to Rachel and hugged her shoulders, "You're doing a great job here sweet pea. It was so nice of you to volunteer us to do the food for the dinner, especially since you didn't even know the boy."
Finn saw her give a shy smile, "I know Papa, but he would have been Kurt's brother, since Burt asked Carole to marry him. And you know I'll do anything for Kurt. Do you think we have enough food for the dinner?"
Finn watched the man lean over and kiss Rachel on top of her head, "We have plenty sweetie. We're only feeding family and a few close friends, not the entire school. Any left overs we'll send home with Carole as well as the freezer meals you put together for her. Now just finish setting out the food and then come help put the tablecloths on the tables, okay?"
"Alright Papa. I'm just going to plug in the crock pots and cut the cake and bread," Finn walked over to her once her Papa left and stood across from Rachel. He looked at all the food that was laid out for the dinner, and it was all his favorites. The one thing that drew his eye though was several loaves of banana bread. Finn loved homemade banana bread and if he could, he'd be stealing a couple of slices right now.
As he stood across from Rachel, he watched her move gracefully among the food, getting it ready. He really didn't mean to stare at her, but there was just something about this stranger that pulled him towards her. As he was staring, she looked up suddenly, right at him, and gasped.
Rachel really wasn't looking forward to this day. She had been by Kurt's side since they had found out Friday night about the death of his future step-brother, and she had been helpless in comforting him, his father and Carole Hudson. So all she did was make sure they had whatever they needed and ran errands and just would just hug Kurt while he cried. Her fathers were friends with Carole Hudson, so they were helping her make the arrangements for the funeral since she was distraught and destroyed over the death of her only son. Rachel had gone to Figgins and gotten special permission to miss school Monday so that she could help the family.
She couldn't help but cry when she and Kurt walked down the aisle toward the casket that held Finn Hudson's body. It broke her heart to see Carole Hudson in such pain and sadness over losing her only child. Even though she didn't know Finn Hudson outside of reputation, she knew through Kurt that Finn was extremely close with his mom, and it broke her heart. She never had any relationship with her birth mother and it always bothered her not having that mother/child closeness and now Carole's was severed by the death of Finn.
When she walked up to the casket, she had felt compelled to place her hand on it and whisper her hope that he was at peace. She then sat with Kurt for the rest of the funeral, giving him the comfort of a close friend. The funeral was relatively short but heartfelt. Finn was well liked by friends and adults and loved by his family.
Rachel waited until everyone had left before she started setting up the dinner with the help of her dads and the ladies of the church. She listened as the ladies talked about what shame it was the Finn Hudson had died and wondered aloud what had happened to him for it to be a closed casket. One had even said she had heard even his mother wasn't allowed to view the body. Rachel bristled at the old biddies gossiping about the death of a young man. When her dads left to get more chairs for the tables, Rachel walked up to the head of the gossipers and tapped her on the shoulder, "Excuse me, while I know it's very common to gossip about people, especially when there appears to be a mystery about it, but Finn Hudson died five days ago. His family is in the depths of despair and grief over it. You could have some common moral good and not gossip about him or his untimely death. Now I'm going to go finish the meal I prepared and you can finish up here. Thank you." Rachel twirled around and stalked back towards the food table and started finishing up her preparation. She didn't hear any more talking though, so that was a good thing.
As she finished her preparations, Rachel felt something, a tingling sensation that seemed to cover her entire body. For some reason, Rachel looked up from her cutting to see a pair of deep whiskey colored eyes staring at her, but nothing else. Jumping back, gasping in shock, Rachel called attention to herself as the knife she was using clattered noisily to the floor. "Rachel, honey is everything okay. You look a little ill." Her daddy called out, starting to come over to check on her.
"Ye- Yes daddy. Sorry, I think the emotion of the day is just overwhelming me. You know how emotionally involved I can become with things. I- I'm just going to go to the restroom and splash some water on my face and calm down. I'll be right back." Rachel immediately took off towards the ladies room the eyes she had observed watching her still unnerving her to her core. Pushing open the door and making a beeline for the sink, she turned the cold on full force and bent over the sink splashing water on her face, letting the coldness shock her slightly as she mumbled, "it's just your overactive imagination, it's just your overactive imagination. There were no eyes staring at you. It was just your imagination," her voice wavering in fear over what she had seen. As she stood up and went to look in the mirror to fix herself, she saw him in the mirror, standing directly behind her.
She saw Finn Hudson.
She blinked rapidly trying to clear her vision, but he was still there, just standing in the ladies room, in his red number five jersey over a long sleeved white t-shirt, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans, his hair it's normal messy self, his eyes sad and scared. He wasn't solid though in appearance. It was more like Rachel was looking at his reflection in water, wavy and slightly broken up, the colors muted. She turned around with her eyes closed saying a prayer that when she opened them, he wasn't there, that this was just her incredible imagination projecting the sadness she felt for him.
With her head down, she slowly opened up one eye and spied large black Nikes on the tiled floor and as she raised her head and opened her other eye, the rest of him came into view. Finn Hudson was standing in the ladies room at his church, looking at her like a sad, lost puppy.
And then he spoke.
"You can see me?" it came out more like a question than a statement and all Rachel could do was nod her answer. She didn't trust her voice. "I'm really dead, right?" again all she could do was nod. She watched as he slumped against the tiled wall and slid slowly to the ground, clearly defeated. "I was hoping this was just some nightmare, but I guess it's not. I'm really dead, which means I'm a ghost or something now. Wow."
Rachel wasn't sure why, but she wasn't scared of Finn Hudson, ghost or not. She was shocked sure, who wouldn't be when they see a ghost for the first time, especially in the bathroom, but she wasn't scared. He looked so lost and alone, and in reality, he was. "Are you okay? Wait, that was stupid, of course you're not okay, your dead and so there is no way that you could be okay right now right? I mean I'd be freaking out if I found out I was dead and sat and watched my own funeral…" she covered her mouth at her last statement, the gravity over what just poured out her mouth hit her. Pulling her hand away and looking at his sorrowful face, she dropped down next to him, wanting to touch him, but not, "You watched your own funeral didn't you. Oh my god Finn, how horrible. I'm so so sorry."
Rachel could feel her tears as she watched Finn look at her. He probably thought she was some crazy girl, but she really felt for him. This was absolutely horrible for him. Through her tears she watched as he brought his hand up to her face, like he was trying to wipe away her tears, but all she felt was a soft cool breeze on her cheeks. He couldn't touch her, but of course he couldn't, he was a ghost. She couldn't help a small smile play on her lips at the sweetness he showed her. She was about to ask him if he remembered what had happened to him, but she heard her papa call through the door, "Rachel, sweet pea, are you okay? Everyone should be here soon. Rachel?"
Standing up quickly, but keeping her eyes on Finn, silently hoping he didn't vanish she called out, "I'm coming Papa. Sorry, I think my emotions just got to me. I'll be out in a second."
She looked as Finn stood up, and realized he was a good foot taller than she was, "Are you going to be here, at the dinner, or are you going to go someplace else? Where do ghosts go? Do you sleep…" she stopped when she saw him raise his hand and she realized that she started rambling again because she was so nervous.
She heard his voice, soft and wavering, something she hadn't noticed before, "Yes I'm staying for the dinner. I don't eat because I'm not hungry but all the food smells so good, especially the banana bread, and since it's kinda in my honor, why not? I don't know where ghosts go. I just appear in different places. I don't really have any control over it and I don't know if I sleep because like I said, I just kinda appear. I'm still really new to this whole, 'I'm a ghost thing' ya know. Besides you better get out to the narthex before your papa comes busting in here, he's walking down the hallway towards here and he doesn't look happy."
"How did you…"
"Just go Rachel. I'll be out there." She watched him push out his hands like he was pushing her, but all she felt was a coolness wash over her.
Rachel pushed open the door, almost hitting her papa in the face, but she kept looking back into the bathroom where Finn had just been, but he had vanished. "Sweet pea, I need your help with the drinks. Noah Puckerman called and the gravesite service is over, so we need to get the drinks ready. Come on sweetie, and I'm sorry this has been so hard on you. I know you didn't know Finn very well, but you've been there for both Kurt and Carole and your daddy and I are so proud of you and your heart." Rachel smiled as her papa gave her a big hug, his pride in her surrounding her, making her smile a little, until she saw a pair of whiskey eyes staring at them from the stained glass window.
Rachel grabbed her papa's hand and quickly pulled him down the hall, telling him what they needed to grab for the drinks, trying to get rid of the feeling of Finn's eyes staring at her. She busied herself by making sure the drinks and food were perfect and just in general being busy and keeping her distance from the stained glass windows.
Slowly the family and close friends of Finn Hudson trickled in, taking seats and talking quietly amongst themselves, waiting for the priest, Carole, Burt and Kurt to come. Rachel took it upon herself to be the gracious hostess while everyone waited, no one complaining while Rachel handed out drinks and made polite conversation. Rachel found herself seated with Finn's paternal grandmother, Ruth. When Rachel had handed her an iced tea, Ruth pulled her down into a hug and forced her sweetly to sit with her, claiming she needed company, even though Finn's aunt, uncle and young cousin were at the table with her. "You must be Finn's girlfriend he talked about. You are just too cute for words. No wonder Finn talked about you all the time. So tell me sweetie, what was it about my Finn that brought you two together, huh?" Rachel sat there stunned for a moment, wondering why Finn's grandmother would think that she was Finn's girlfriend. She had never even really talked to Finn before today, and today she talked to his ghost like it was a perfectly normal thing to do. Inwardly facepalming, Rachel knew she was going to have to put her great acting and imagination to the test to make a grandmother happy with her deceased grandson.
As if on cue, Rachel felt a cool breeze on both of her shoulders, and when she closed her eyes, she could picture Finn behind her, his hands resting gently on her shoulders in support. The coolness was her muse for the story she wove for his grandmother, "Well Mrs. Hudson, I met Finn after school one day. I was tutoring in the library and you know how Finn was always running late, well he got detention for tardies in Chemistry. Anyway, he came stumbling into the library and sat down rather noisily, disrupting my tutoring session with a freshman. After I finished the session and was getting ready to leave, Finn walked over to me and placed his hands on my shoulders to stop me from leaving. He had told me that he had heard me tutoring and was wondering if I could help him in Chemistry, since he was having a hard time with it. I of course told him I would, and he told me that it was cool. So I started tutoring him and everything just kind of bloomed from there. He was always funny and very charming but still a gentleman, something I always look for in possible suitors. I'm going to miss him so much." Rachel let a few tears trail down her cheek for effect and felt the coolness increase on her shoulders, like he was squeezing them in approval. Rachel saw Finn's grandmother place her hand on Rachel's shoulder, and she immediately wondered in his grandmother could feel the coolness, but from her lack or response, Rachel guessed she couldn't.
"Well dearie, Finn talked about how smart and beautiful you were. He said you had such a large heart and cared for others, and I can see that you do. I don't know any girlfriend that would sit and put together her boyfriend's family dinner after his funeral, instead of sitting with the family and soaking up the condolences." Rachel stole a quick glance and saw Quinn sitting at the family table, looking rather bored unless one of their classmates came up to talk to her. When Carole, Burt and Kurt finally came in, she totally ignored her boyfriend's mother, and just continued to sit.
"You are so sweet. Finn was right in picking you Rachel. It's just so sad that we won't know what kind of future you two would have had." Rachel saw the distant look of sadness in Ruth Hudson's eyes and Rachel's heart broke. She had lost her only son and now her son's child too.
As she stood to start the dinner, Rachel leaned over and placed a kiss on Ruth Hudson's forehead and whispered, "You're grandson loved you very much Ruth. Always remember that," and walked away with the cool breeze following her as she walked towards the priest, letting him know they were ready to begin.
As the dinner started, Rachel kept an eye on everything as people ate, talked and shared stories of Finn. She would smile when she received a compliment, and a couple of times scowled when Quinn Fabray glared at her from her seat with the family. Rachel knew she would always be a loser to Quinn, but she didn't care. She knew what her future held, and she was going to do whatever she needed to do to achieve it, and no one was going to hold her back from it.
Rachel realized that through the whole dinner, there was a cool breeze always around her, either Finn was following her, or the church had a weird air conditioning system. When the dinner was done and people began to leave, Rachel grabbed some food and sat down at a table and started to eat, her constant cool breeze right next to her. She wanted to say something, but knew she would look crazy talking to the air and she didn't need an even worse reputation.
As she ate she received a goodbye kiss and hug from Grandma Ruth, an "awesome food Berry" from Noah, a hug and sloppy kiss from Finn's little cousin and several more thank you's from others. As she finished and stood up, she was met by Carole Hudson, standing before her, her hazel eyes watery with tears before grabbing Rachel into a life crushing hug that Rachel naturally returned. "Thank you, thank you so much Rachel for doing this for Finn. I know you didn't know Finn, but what you did, when you didn't have to means so much to me, plus you've been there for Kurt through this. I- I just can't thank you enough. You and your fathers have been so gracious and helpful to me through this. Please know you can come over whenever you want, even Kurt isn't, because you are such a sweet girl. Thank you again Rachel," as she felt Carole's wet lips place a soft, motherly kiss on her cheek, and gave her another bone crushing hug before giving Burt and Kurt the same chance.
That evening, Rachel sat on her bed, in her heart nightgown, holding onto her stuffed cat Snuggles, listening to The Phantom of the Opera soundtrack, going over everything that had happened to her in such a small amount of time. She had gone to a funeral, met and talked to a ghost, been misidentified as the ghost's girlfriend by his grandmother, was followed around by the ghost, and given such a motherly hug and kiss, Rachel didn't know what to think. It was all just too much, and despite how she appreciated the drama and irony of the day, it still overwhelmed her. This wasn't like the play Blithe Spirit, she hadn't called upon Finn Hudson to haunt her; he wasn't trying to upset her life. He was just lonely, scared and confused, and she could totally understand that given the situation he found himself in, and probably needed a friend. The only question was, why was it her? What was it about her that allowed him to show himself and talk to just her. No one else showed indication that they saw or heard Finn at the funeral or dinner. Rachel shook her head and just snuggled down into her bed and hoped that an answer would come miraculously to her while she slept.