How I Feel, a glee fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own these lovely characters; they belong to Mama CP, whom I love and treasure.
Song used: "How I Feel" by Alexz Johnson

"Jules, our big superstar has yet again returned to grace us with his presence." Logan teased, a smug look on his face as he walked into the choir room, setting his blue eyes on those of his best friend's.

"Shut up, Lo. I'm not in the mood." Julian snapped, glancing back down at his music sheets. He just wanted to be alone. Something Damaged was annoying the shit out of him and he was frustrated to no end. Why couldn't he have a normal agenda for once and not have to be whisked away to set every minute? He knew this was the path he'd chosen for himself but sometimes he almost resented it.

He was constantly judged and perceived as a certain type of person by the press, media, his school, teachers, and fellow classmates and now Logan was even on his case. Julian knew it was harmless teasing but he wasn't the least bit amused. That was another thing on his mind; that deep dark secret which was bound to come to the surface soon enough. He felt trapped. As much as he wanted to admit it, he didn't know how much good it would do.

Logan was still torn over his feelings for Kurt and now that Alice was discovering the hushed up past, Julian didn't feel like complicating matters further. Even if he'd kept this bit of information secretive for years, bringing it up now would only cause more confusing chaos.

There was no way in hell that Wright actually returned those feelings, heck, he hardly felt any emotions these days with what those damn pills were doing to him. Julian hated seeing the blonde so...numb. he knew the medication was meant to help him but he couldn't help wondering who the true Logan was or what he would end up like in the future as a consequence of those behavioural pills.

"Earth to Larson, you don't look good, man. Is some shit going down in that pretty little head of yours? How are you feeling?" Logan proceeded to inquire, inching closer to the obviously perplexed superstar.

"How I feel? You want to know how I feel?" Julian snapped back, completely ruining his soft-spoken exterior. Logan took a step back, staring questioningly at his best friend. "Fine, sit down and enjoy the show." Jules growled, gesturing to an empty chair new the grand piano.

Logan followed his instruction and waited in confusion for an explanation.

Julian shoved the lyrics to the side, sat down at the piano bench and began to sing.

I know how this all must look
Like a picture ripped from a story book
I've got it easy
I've got it made

There's a golden road laid out before me
And everyone how they adore me
Like a diamond
In the sun

Did you just waste your breath
Asking me how I feel today
Or do you really want to know

I'm completely unconnected
Constantly rejected
Like everything I've ever loved is coming down
I'm drowning in emotion
In the middle of the ocean
Never knowing when it's over and I'm going down

That's how I feel

I know I signed up for this game
Where everybody knows my name
Now they own a little piece of me
My happiness fell off the track
And I'd do anything to get it back
Give this all, I'd give this all away

Did you just waste your breath
Asking me how I feel today
Is that a place you wanna go

Then you see me
You say you don't even know me
Couldn't pick me out of a line now
The [boy] you know is so far-gone
And I'm in hiding
Living life undercover
Smiling face for the camera
I'm not long for this world

That's how I feel

Then you see me
Say you don't even know me

Logan's chest ached. He felt like shit for not paying as much attention to his best friend as he should've. He'd been so wrapped up in the thought of telling his past to Kurt and possibly gaining his respect and admiration back that he'd neglected the crisis Julian had been facing.

He watched as a small tear trickled down Julian's face and dripped down his chiselled chin onto the black keys of the piano. Julian was hurting. Logan could see that for sure. He just was unclear of how to help him. The blonde remained in his seat, swallowing back guilt and hung his head slowly in defeat.

Julian calmly got up from the piano, compiled the lyric sheets into an organized fashion and began to turn and walk out of the choir room.

"Jules…wait." Logan choked out, lifting his head and rising from the chair.

He couldn't let Julian walk off. Not now. Not just yet. Not like this.

"What?" Julian asked matter of factly; not bothering to turn and face the object of his affection.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was a tool and ignored your problems and don't try to blame it on my damn pills. That was all my fault. I've been selfish, Jules. I thought I could get Kurt back. I'm a determined, ignorant prick. But….you never treat me like that…I mean, sure, you'll tell me off once in a while, but you….you don't deserve this. I'm sorry for putting you through this shit—"

"It's not your fault, Logan."

"But I'm one of the reasons, aren't I? Look Jules, I know I say I don't need anyone and act like some sort of a stuck up douchebag at times…but the truth is, I do need you."

"Someone's lost his touch. You're getting sappy on me, Wright." Julian smirked as he turned to face his best friend.

"I mean it. I'm sorry you couldn't count on me. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like you're always there for me. I'm sorry I caused you to feel like this…" Logan stared into Julian's crisp blue, watery eyes before changing his glance to the beige tile of the floor. He felt ashamed for making his friend suffer with no support. Julian had always cared for him. He'd never judged him for being a freak on meds. He put up with his pining over Blaine, Joshua and Kurt. He took care of him during his mood swings and fights with his father. Julian was always there for him, why didn't he return the favour?

Logan felt a warm pair of hands on either side of his cheeks, forcing his head upwards. He gazed into those knowing blue eyes with a look of sorrow and understanding.

"I love you." Julian spoke those three words with as much honesty and courage as he could muster. He had finally told him. It wasn't the way he'd planned but the truth was out there nonetheless.

"You what?" Logan stuttered, trying to comprehend the words that had just come out of Julian Larson's mouth.

"I love you." He repeated, caressing Logan's cheek. "You asked me how I feel…well, that's the underlying truth. I love you, Logan. I have for a while."

Logan was stunned. His best friend was in love with him. How long was a while? How long had Julian been hiding this? He couldn't find the words to express his emotions so instead he went on his gut instinct.

Julian felt Logan's hand slip round his neck and his eyes light up with a combination of confusion and honesty. Logan pressed his lips to Julian's and they kissed each other for the first time.

This kiss was different for Logan. This time he wasn't in control. It wasn't about winning or pursuing an object of prey. It was a beautiful act of honesty. Julian kissed Logan back with a hidden passion. He didn't have to mask his feelings anymore. Sure, Logan was in shock and they'd have to talk this over later but right now he wanted to live in the moment. He treasured Logan's lips on his but wanted more.

He had waited years to have Logan in his grasp; he wasn't ready to let him go just yet. Julian's tongue grazed the bottom of Logan's lip, asking for entry. Logan allowed him, his breathing becoming more rapid. He let his actions do the talking and tightening his grip around Julian's neck, his other hand firmly wrapped around the brunette's waist. Their tongues twirled together in a fiery dance, much to Julian's enjoyment.

As they broke away, there was a look of acceptance, sincerity and awe radiating off Logan's face. Julian had finally told him. He couldn't begin to express his joy and relief at what just happened and could only smile in response.