Kenpachi's Tattoo

By Kracken l.w.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. At least not the anime/manga sort. I've got about three gallons of the chemical version under my sink, but that's legal. (sticks tongue out at lawyers)So there.

"Can you believe that man? He gets himself sliced nearly to pieces and all he's worried about is whether or not it missed his tattoo! Is Kenpachi-Taichou even human?" An older, undistinguished member of ninth division waiting in the front hall stifled a laugh as Vice-Captain Isane and her Captain walked by; Isane still complaining about a certain division's lack of priorities. How many times since that spiky haired menace took over the eleventh had he heard that question, in that tone of voice, followed by griping about the general conduct of that whole division? Oh well, it was one more anecdote to pass on to the new recruits when they got too cocky. "If you think you're tough, wait till I tell you…"

Nobody would have cared, in the general run of things, except for two points. The first reason that things got so out of hand was that the tension level in the Court of Pure Souls was skyrocketing as rumors of war spread like wildfire, and people were latching on to any possible distraction. Even that might not have made much difference, since Kenpachi was a certified badass, and badass' do tend to have tattoos. Look at Renji for goodness' sake! But then some smart mouth from twelfth just had to point out that one: Psycho-man was supposed to fear needles more than death; and two, not one person outside his division or fourth had ever seen it. When that did not have the desired effect, the man then pointed out that when someone who hated needles got a tattoo, they were generally either drunk or otherwise unconscious, and the resulting tattoo too embarrassing for words. That got everyone's attention. What was it? More importantly, the gossipmongers wanted to know, where was it? There were just so many fascinating possibilities that as a distraction, it proved first rate. This was mainly because not one person in the entire court wanted to ask "Ken-chan" about it point blank.

The hair was prickling on the back of his neck again, and if whoever was staring at him this time wasn't cautious, he was going beat them bloody for distracting him all the time. "Ask him!" Someone hissed as he passed by. "Do I look stupid to you! You ask 'im!" He snarled in frustration, having heard this kind of thing all day; and whipped around to face a hallway full of his new recruits, reiatsu spiking sharply enough to make them all dizzy. "What in hell are you lot staring at!" Squeaks of "N-nothing, Captain Zaraki, sir!", punctuated by the thud of falling bodies, drifted down the hall. He snorted in disgust at the quivering victims of his latest flare of temper. " Che, fucking pansies. Strongest of your year and still a bunch o' wussies." Lips still quirked in a derisive sneer, the "Demon" of eleventh division stalked into his office and slammed the door shut behind him. It wasn't until the last vibrations of the slamming door had faded and the dust stopped falling from the rafters that any of them even dared to get up. "And you wanted me to ask that Thing about its tattoo? He probably would have ripped my head off!"

Sometime around the end of the second week, when Kenpachi had gone from yelling to punching whoever he caught staring at him through the nearest wall, someone finally got around to asking Madarame and Ayasegawa about it. If anyone in eleventh knew, surely it was those two! Well, them or Yachiru, but asking her meant it would get back to the Demonic One for sure; and while they all wanted to know, no one thought the information worth dieing for…yet.

"Taichou's tattoo? What about it? Huh. 'S really his business, if ya ask me."

Ikkaku smirked as he watched the frustrated fifth seat of the division three stalk off in search of his eleventh division counterpart. Yumi, he knew, would be just as close-mouthed as himself on that subject; and in a far more irritating fashion. In the mean time he just sat back and enjoyed watching his Captain in action. An unholy terror with a sword, Captain Zaraki was no slouch at hand to hand either. That man had raised violence to an art form.

While Zaraki was getting grouchier by the second and breaking as many heads as he could get his hands on, the frazzled fifth seat was trying very hard not to scream because of his various preys' stubborn refusal to give him a straight answer. He had never expected it to be this difficult when what was left of his division bullied him into making the enquiries. So far he'd covered all of the eleventh's upper seated officers, and had even moved on to asking former members Renji and Iba when Yumichika turned out to be very unenlightening. The answers he got from them were much less helpful than Madarame's, if that was even possible. He pulled his list out of his pocket to see who was next.

List:

Vice Captain Kusajishi: Not available/napping.

Madarame: essentially "None of your business"

Ayasegawa: "The Captain's tattoo? A thing of beauty, I assure you! Where is it? On the captain, I should hope!" note to self, never speak to fruity bastard again. That sparkle thing was CREEPY!

Vice Captain Abarai: "Hell no! He'd kill me and use my skin for wall art!" Graphic and scary, not very helpful.

Vice Captain Iba: "I don't have a death wish, do you?" Not helpful.

Captain Unohana?

He sighed and trudged off towards the relief station, little knowing how soon he'd be visiting it again. When his fellow division members checked his pockets that night, they found the completed list. It read as follows:

Captain Unohana: "Zaraki-Taichou's tattoo? Which one? Oh, that one. Yes, he has more than one. No I will not. You would only get yourself hurt if I told you; and please don't bother trying to get it out of my subordinates. I've already ordered them to say nothing and their loyalty to me is such that you couldn't get it out of them if you were on your death bed." Yes! New Info! He has more than one!

Vice Captain Kotetsu: Wouldn't talk. Just stared. Shit. That means…

Captain Zaraki: Creator have mercy on my soul…

He must not have gotten very far with that one because about half an hour after leaving fourth division HQ he'd been found in an alley with all the symptoms of a close encounter of the Kenpachi kind. No one else wanted to get close enough to ask after that, and the List-Master really didn't want to admit that he hadn't been able to get up enough courage to ask before his steady gaze earned him a one way ticket into a stone wall. Really, though, as the next night proved, he had gotten off lightly. Stupid people with power can be an underling's worst nightmare, and third seats should really have more sense than to follow orders for a suicide mission that lacked their captain's signature.

Things were getting way out of hand, in General Yamamoto's opinion, when Captain Soi Fong had to report that her third seat, on the decidedly UN- approved orders of her vice captain, (Now also in sickbay) had had every bone in his body broken and lost a hand to boot. All in an ill considered attempt to find out the location of at least one tattoo by cutting off the back of Zaraki's shihakusho. He was third seat in second division after all; theoretically it should have been as easy as taking candy from a baby. Hah! When asked why he had been so very thorough in his maiming, Zaraki's only reply was to point first to Yachiru, still out cold on his shoulder after a long day's practice, and then to a gash in his captain's coat less than two centimeters from one small arm. Needless to say, Second division immediately declined to press the issue. The whole Seireitei knew that while he couldn't care less about (and might even enjoy) damage to himself, anyone who so much as scratched his little pink menace was soon to be painfully deceased. Most likely courtesy of Kenpachi's bare hands, and possibly even his teeth…

Pictures of the unfortunate third seat and his lieutenant immediately after Fourth arrived on the scene were sent to the academy; there to serve as… poignant … examples of the price of underestimating an opponent and the consequences of insubordination. You'd think such a vivid reminder of his wrath when provoked would have cooled people's desire to snoop, but that lasted for all of two days before they were back to staring and being beaten up for it. Yamamoto, who had a war to plan for and no patience for idle gossip, was getting heartily sick of the whole situation. He was especially tired of seeing variations of "Stared to long at 11th division Taichou." on each division's casualty reports at the end of the week. So he decided to call Kenpachi in for a rare one on one meeting to settle the question once and for all.

"Where are they and what are they?" For someone steeped in centuries of noble nonsense, Yamamoto could be surprisingly direct. "'Scuse me?" "Your tattoos, Captain Zaraki. The subject has caused more trouble and gossip in the court than your initial appointment to captain. I, for one, am sick and tired of tallying up the damage. Now, where are they?" Kenpachi's disturbingly pointy grin nearly split his face in two. "Is that what all the starin's been about? Heh, they could've just asked me. 'Least then I wouldn't 've hit 'em. Probably wouldn't 've hit 'em, anyways…" Yamamoto snorted at that last bit and raised one hoary eyebrow at his subordinate in a questioning expression. "Well?" Kenpachi replied by rolling up his left sleeve until his shoulder was fully exposed. "The other one's on my back." "I see. Is it fit for public viewing?" Zaraki seemed to consider this for a moment, then looked up at his superior and deadpanned "Will I damage the first fucker to laugh at it?" The older man's eyebrows arced nearly to his nonexistent hairline; he kept forgetting that Kenpachi actually had a brain under all that hair. An illusion he was reasonably sure the man took sadistic pleasure in fostering, if only to scare the whey out of those poor saps who thought they could beat him by outthinking him. "Well then, since I am already calling a full assembly three days from now, this is what we'll do…"

Next up: A few revelations. Hope you all enjoyed this. Please review, flames will be used to grill my food.