I know depressions never been a thing people talked about normally, it takes guts to be open about something so personal to you.

You feel ashamed, guilty, selfish, uncomfortable, a burden...

I know from bitter experience, back in 2011 after Frank happened and my overdose. I was diagnosed with depression. I spoke to my counsellor about it however I never felt strong enough to discuss such a personal matter to my family...not that I knew they were back then. But, I did have peter who I could rely on.

For Aidan it was different. He had no caring partner, yes he did have a family who loved him but they never saw him as the 'depressed type'. They saw Aidan Connor as a hero; someone who saved their big sisters life.

He had a front, like most people but he did disguise it well.

Men had a reputation to keep up. You couldn't cry, it would mean you were weak. You couldn't tell you're problems, it would mean you were weak also. Men have to have self confidence, to be vain if necessary.

If aidan had told people how he was feeling, the street would've laughed.

It's just the way things are. It needs to change.

But the evening Johnny and I found him in the flat. Alone...his heart physically ripped into two.

"Where actually is Aidan? Johnny you said he'd be here by seven?" I complained.

We had been waiting in the Rovers for half an hour. We planned a few hours earlier to celebrate the factory being reopened for a month.

"Well he said he'd be here?" Johnny replied.

When I look back on it I think 'yeah he has been acting very strange recently'. He seemed to care more about how his words come out, being very careful not to offend or hurt anyone. But something we all noticed is that he was a lot more quiet. Very quiet.

"Do you want me to go to the flat to see if he's there?" Carla asks.

"His phones going straight to answer phone. I think something wrong" Johnny worries.

They say parents instincts kick in when something terrible happens to your child. You have a sick feeling in your stomach and it just doesn't feel right. I believe that now after how overly worried I thought Johnny was.

"I need to go anyway now...I planned to see Rana. Keep me updated though yeah?" Kate vanishes out the pub.

"I'm Er going to check the flat, see if he's there" Johnny mutters gathering his things.

"Johnny you aren't leaving me here looking like a numpty. I'll come with you" Carla answers as they leave and walk to Victoria court.

I never ever in a million years thought I'd see what I saw. It was absolutely horrific.

Johnny unlocked the door. It was scarily silent. We couldn't hear or see anything.

We checked the bedrooms and whilst I was walking back to the main living area that's when I saw the bathroom door open a jar.

I pushed it slightly with my hand and nervously looked to see what was stopping the door from opening fully.

And that's when I saw him.

"JOHNNY" I screamed so high pitch I never knew a noise like that could leave my lips.

Johnny rushes next to me and takes a hesitant glance.

We're left speechless. No words escape our mouths.

Aidan is laying down on the bathroom floor lifelessly. A razor blade laying beside him in a pool of his own blood from where he slit his wrists. deeply.

Theirs a container which was full with pills next to him also.

Why.

The question that still to this day keeps going through my head. I thought we were close now, I have one of his organs in my body. I thought he'd be able to talk to me, he knew what I'd done in 2011.

Although he probably felt alone. Which is my worst fear.

If I didn't have ali or my friendship to repair with Michelle in my head 24/7 then I might of noticed what had happened.

"Aidan" Johnny whispered . "Oh Aidan" he started to sob.

He knelt on the floor, lifted his head and started crying. As did I.

Our sobs echoed round the flat as we grieved for Aidan. We knew he was gone. He was ghostly white. Their was no coming back from this.

Suddenly Johnny was violently sick, I thought I'd be next.

My brothers killed himself. Wow.

20 minutes after we completely broke down I went into the living room again. I put my hands through my hair and took deep breaths. This was surreal. It couldn't be happening I thought.

Something then caught my eye.

A letter on the counter.

I walked over to it and lifted it up.

Dear Dad,

If you're reading this then I've probably done it. I don't want you to blame yourself, please don't. This wasn't something I did to make you feel this way. It's just me, who and what I am.

I've never been good to anyone. I mess everything up and I've ruined so many things...too many things.

I need you to tell Kate I love her and i always will. I need you to look out for her dad, she's always had me. And tell Carla I love her too. I'm so grateful

that she's my older sister and I know when you told me I was angry but that's just me. I never have given anyone a chance.

I've messed everything up with Eva, I cared about her, I loved her but that temptation won I guess. And I lost. I always have lost.

Don't be sad for what's happened. It was for the best.

I love you huge amounts. Aidan xxxx

"Johnny" I murmured.

He walked through next to me and read it.

"Oh Carla why's he done this. Why" he cries heavily.

But today? Today was his fruneral. When we said goodbye officially.

"You coming in Car?" Kate mutters linking arms with mine and walking through the church doors.

I guess it was just us two now.

I don't this because I'm 99% sure Aidan commits suicide unfortunately on the 9th May and is found by Johnny. I wanted to write something that shown male mental health as I believe it's not spoken about as much as it should. The stats are rising rapidly and I'm knowing/ hearing of many people who are trying to take their own life, self harming or being depressed. I'm going to bawl my eyes out when the episode airs that's for sure. I hope everyone who feels this way gets help, talks to someone. Don't ever feel like you're alone. Sophie x