Swapping Generals

By Goldleaf83

Author's note: This is an episode I remember well from watching Hogan's Heroes as a teenager. I believe it stuck in my head at the time because the conflict between Hogan and a general from his own side, who doesn't know about Hogan's real mission, results from a misunderstanding, put right at the end. I even wrote (long before I discovered the existence of fan fiction) a little missing scene from it, which appears in edited form as part of this story. When I found and reread that old piece recently, in light of having seen the episode once again, I was impressed with how well I had remembered the original, though I'd taken small liberties with some lines I couldn't quite remember.

But I was also struck by problems in the episode itself when I saw it again, the sheer impossibility of Hogan's solution to the difficulty of rescuing Barton. Granted, plausibility wasn't the strong suit of the television series. But the more I thought about Hogan's scheme in this episode, the more impracticable it seemed.

For example: the episode shows the men dismantling the plane at night in the compound, then reassembling it in the tunnel. But that just doesn't work. Remember those searchlights they had to duck in all the other episodes? Even Klink's guards couldn't have missed the plane moving around the main part of the compound, or swarming with men in between the barracks. Not to mention that either the prisoners would need power tools to get the riveted metal apart (and again even Klink's guards couldn't have missed that noise in the middle of the night!) or they would have taken forever to get the metal panels taken apart by hand (and probably not in any shape to put back together convincingly), and again, they would have been seen by the guards. And then "flying" the German Field Marshal back to England in the partially reassembled plane: he's one of the most highly placed, decorated officers in the military, and he can't tell that the engine noise is from a record player? (And just where did they get a record of plane engine noise?) Hogan's team is rocking the plane to simulate air flight, but what about the (nonexistent) throb of the engines? (Especially given that those planes would not have had the sound dampening features of modern commercial jets, which are noisy and thrumming enough inside the air pressurized cabins.) Or when they supposedly arrive in England, Von Heinke doesn't notice the absent g-forces during deceleration of the "landing"? Or when they get him out of the "plane" he doesn't notice the difference in tunnel air and the moist fresh air of an English airfield? Even blindfolded, his nose and skin and ears would be telling him he's not outside. How about a car ride to the "camp"? And getting him from the tunnel, up the ladder to Hogan's office somehow mirrors getting him into a base?

It's all very funny the way it's told in the episode, of course. But my suspension of disbelief snaps when I start thinking it through, even if Hogan does try to cover over a couple of the problems by telling Von Heinke he's at an "underground hangar . . . one of the most secret bases in England." That just doesn't explain away enough of the problems. Then there are the difficulties of arranging the actual swap, with Von Heinke on the wrong side of the border for a prisoner exchange, which would have been conducted under very strict guidelines. So Carter's comment to Hogan in the episode, "He'll never go for the swap. He'll think he's still in Germany," raises a crucial question, which the show doesn't convincingly answer, for me at least. So . . . how to fix it, honoring the intention and emotional impact of the original episode and Hogan's general character? The following story is one possibility. The first several chapters follow the television episode fairly exactly, particularly the dialogue, with only minor variations for the sake of greater believability as well as consistency within the alternative version I am writing, though I fill it out with greater detail and some missing scenes. The major shift away from canon will come several chapters in.

I have loved Hogan's Heroes since the 1970s, but none of its characters are mine; they were created by Bernard Fein and Albert S. Ruddy, although I have taken the liberty of adding a few minor characters to the original set. And though I borrow some of the dialogue written by R.S. Allen and Harvey Bullock in their memorable Hogan's Heroes episode "The General Swap," I acknowledge their ownership and that of Bing Crosby Productions and intend no copyright infringement. At no point will I or others profit monetarily on this story.

The question, Hogan decided, was how to better manage the flow of escaping fliers to the coast. They couldn't send too many through the pipeline at once and sometimes needed to wait a while between "shipments." No one wanted to stay down in the tunnels for days – occasionally even weeks – at a time, though it could sometimes take that long for the underground to handle another airman or two. Soooo, Hogan mused, it would be handy to have a way of letting them in with the rest of the camp till passage was arranged so they could leave . . . but of course the "no escape" record had to stay intact. Which was how the idea of "Houlihan" came to him.

Swapping out escaping Allied airmen to play Houlihan made life a lot easier for everyone. It gave the team time to make convincing papers and civilian clothes that fit. The risk was that the Krauts would notice that Houlihan was a different guy every couple of weeks or so, but that could be managed given Schultz's devotion to his "I see nothing!" philosophy. And there was always LeBeau's strudel to help convince him if needed.

Lieutenant Stevens, their most recent "Houlihan," was about ready to go; he'd been there over a week. Given his height, at 6'2", they'd had some challenges to get the right outfit for him, but Newkirk and Kinch had used the extra time to coach him on the route. They were lucky that Stevens had a surprisingly good grasp of German, having grown up outside Herman, Missouri, a heavily German-settled area near St. Louis, so he needed only minor drilling in accent and some vocabulary. A new "Houlihan" had been brought in the night before, the lone uncaptured survivor from a raid two days ago. Moretti was as short as the departing "Houlihan" was tall, which would make it harder for Schultz to overlook the difference, but those were the breaks.

Having finished coaching Stevens on the route and passwords, Hogan led him back into the main room of the barracks. "Got the plan straight, 'Houlihan'?" he asked, unable to resist teasing him about the made-up name.

"Yeah," answered Stevens, confidently. "You think it'll really work?"

LeBeau grinned. "It always has!"

Kinch, perched on the table adding to the statistics he kept on all their work, glanced up as they came by. "Yeah, a week from now you'll be back in England," he said, just a touch enviously.

Hogan surveyed Lt. Stevens a final time, dissatisfied. Something looked off. "Wait a minute. LeBeau, that hat's too small. Get him another one, hunh?"

The hat had been a matter of debate, and despite LeBeau's arguments Newkirk had picked a Tyrolean style for Stevens. Granted, the style was supposed to be worn on top of the head rather than settling further down like a fedora, so it was deliberately sized a bit smaller than other hats, but on someone as tall as Stevens the Tyrolean style emphasized his height even more and made him stand out too much. LeBeau gleefully grabbed for his original choice, a brown felt homburg that came down further on Stevens's head.

As LeBeau hunted for the hat, Stevens couldn't help asking, "But Colonel, what happens when they find a prisoner missing?"

Newkirk, leaning against the bunk that led to the tunnel, pitched in cheerfully, "Ah, but they won't, because we've got a chap downstairs waiting to be smuggled in to take your place."

Hogan caught the hat LeBeau tossed to him. "Mm-hm. Thanks, LeBeau." Settling it on Stevens's head, he looked at him again appraisingly. Yep, this one worked better. "Ah, 'wunderbar,'" he said with a grin and a wink.

It was time to go; Olsen was waiting down in the tunnel to take Stevens to the end and time the exit from the tunnel, and the new "Houlihan" was waiting to come up. Hogan clapped Stevens on the arm and wished him luck, while the others made their farewells: a "take it easy" from Kinch and a "bon chance" from LeBeau, as Newkirk helped Stevens negotiate the ladder. "And remember, getting there is half the fun," Hogan couldn't resist adding. The trip to the coast through Nazi Germany was dangerous, of course, but with the clothes and the papers Stevens had, the escape route they'd drilled into him, and the help of the Underground, he should have every chance. They'd gotten a lot of men out that way since setting up their Travelers' Aid Society.

Kinch's mind seemed to be running on the same topic. "That's the 107th guy so far, Colonel. Don't you ever wish it was you making that little trip back home?" he asked as Hogan looked down at the small book of figures in Kinch's hand.

"No sirree," the Colonel answered. "When I leave I'm walking right out that front gate." He gestured carelessly toward the prison yard. He couldn't let himself think anything else at this point, not after the sweat and blood he had poured into this place. He still missed flying terribly, but he had finally accepted that he would be seeing the war out from here – if all went well, if he could keep the operation going without getting himself and everyone else caught. . . . But that was too risky a topic to think about. Quickly he added with a grin, "Besides, I look terrible in a Tyrolean hat!"

Kinch chuckled back and the uncomfortable moment passed as Hogan turned back toward the tunnel, where Newkirk was helping the new "Houlihan" up the ladder and into the barracks. A short guy, maybe as tall as LeBeau, he made a marked contrast to the departing Stevens. He looked rather bewildered as he clambered up into the barrack's main room. "There we are," said the Englishman reassuringly. "Welcome to Stalag 13."

"Colonel Hogan," he said, offering his hand as well as his name. He didn't get a chance to get the new guy's name, though: Carter, on watch at the door, called out, "Schultz is comin'."

Everyone scrambled to get in front of the tunnel entrance. Schultz had suspicions about all the "monkey business" that went on in Barrack 2, but Hogan preferred to keep him in dark about the mechanics; it was safer that way for them, and Hogan suspected that Schultz preferred it that way too. The guard's bluster covered the remaining rattle as the bunk slid into its normal place.

"Achtung, everybody achtung, if you please," Schultz called out as he moved toward the group of five men grouped in front of the bunk. They'd all relaxed once the bed was lowered down, and they greeted the guard easily. But Schultz's eyes lit on the newcomer almost immediately. "Oh ho, ho, ho, wait a minute, who-what-what-what—who is this?" Schultz demanded, first pointing to the new guy, then plucking him by the sleeve and drawing him forward. To his credit, the new guy didn't panic and just played along, just as Kinch had drilled him while he was down in the tunnel.

Hogan leaped in immediately. "What's the matter, Schultz? Don't you recognize good ol' Houlihan?"

Schultz looked at him disbelievingly. "Good old Houlihan? THAT is 'good old Houlihan'?"

Everyone chimed in with a chorus of yeps, rights, uh-huhs, nodding vigorously – even "Houlihan."

But Schultz wasn't biting so far. "'Good old Houlihan' was like this," raising his hand to the top of his helmet, "not like THAT," he finished, lowering it to the top of the new "Houlihan's" head – about even with his own chin.

Hogan protested, "He shrunk a little bit! It's that prison camp diet."

Schultz nodded, but frowned, muttering to himself, "Oh ho, ja . . ." and Hogan wondered if he was going to have to push Schultz further, when the sound of a siren outside filtered in. Newkirk redirected everyone's attention to it – and safely away from "Houlihan" – with "Hey, what's that?"

Hogan pushed "Houlihan" along in front of him and out of the way, while everyone made a general rush for the door. Corporals Saunders and Pike grabbed "Houlihan" and pulled him behind them, towards their bunk on the far wall of the barrack and away from Schultz's attention. Fortunately the guard was now engaged in blocking the doorway and had forgotten about the substitute prisoner in the urgency of fulfilling the duty he had originally come into the barrack for. Despite his bulk, Schultz had scurried to the doorway to stand in front of it with his hands up in front of him. "Everybody hold it, hold it, hold it! Everybody stay back, back, baaack! Nobody's going outside! Nobody's LOOKING outside! Order of the Kommandant!" he bellowed, shaking his finger at them.

The demand was unusual enough to make everyone look at each other. Something was up. Hogan, his eyebrows raised, asked, "Why, who's out there, Schultz?"

The direct approach didn't work this time. "I will not tell you. Please, ONCE in a while I have to be on our side," the guard answered plaintively.

Time for some more misdirection. Newkirk caught the colonel's glance and immediately called out, "Ahh, guys, let's look out the window!"

The tactic worked just as well the second time: almost everyone immediately rushed back to the other end of the room, even the new "Houlihan" happily playing along, while Schultz, frustrated, pushed his massive body through the crowd to defend the window, hollering "Noooo! No, no, no, no! Wait! Hold it! No no no no! Nobody at the window! Nobody looking out! I have my orders! No no no no!" Newkirk, LeBeau, Pike, and Saunders pinned the guard behind the bunk by crowding close, blocking his view of the doorway.

Hogan, meanwhile, pretended support for the guard, calling out absently, "All right, Schultz. Keep away from the window!" even while Carter, Kinchloe, and he opened the door to see what was happening in the compound.

A truck had just pulled up in front of the cooler. One of Stalag 13's guards unlatched the back of the truck. Two guards jumped out, guns at the ready, while a third circled around from the passenger side of the truck. Another jumped down, while a fifth held a prisoner by his right arm at the edge of the truck bed. That guard jumped down with the prisoner, whose left arm was grabbed by the fourth guard as they pushed him toward the gate of the cooler compound, now unlocked by two of Stalag 13's guards, also now at the ready. They all moved fast, hustling the prisoner into the cooler. It was too far away to see the insignia; all Hogan could tell was that the new prisoner was wearing an American officer's uniform, and he didn't seem to be handcuffed.

Hogan's stomach flipped, remembering the rough handling he'd gotten when he'd been shot down. He pushed the memory away – he needed to focus on the present situation. Officers weren't brought to Stalag 13 in the normal course of events, much less with that level of security, all of which meant this event was most likely a problem he was going to have to handle somehow or other.

"Must be a new prisoner," Carter said, peering intently across the yard as he held the door jamb and watched the flurry of activity.

"Yeah, a big one, to get treatment like that," Kinch added from behind them, also gazing attentively, striving for details.

"Yeah, but who?" Hogan muttered. That was the crucial question; he had to know that in order to decide what to do – if anything – about this guy. "I think I'll find out from Klink."

Schultz was still shielding the window from the objecting prisoners; Hogan could hear an increasingly frantic note in his protesting "No, no, no, no!" Time to rescue him. Hogan stepped away from the door and strode over towards the window. "All right, c'mon fellas. Break it up! Schultz has his orders."

Relieved at the colonel's exercise of authority, Schultz scolded emphatically as he waded through the crowd, "That's right! No looking!"

Hogan suppressed a grin. "That's right, Schultz. And don't worry. Nobody saw the truck or the prisoner."

"Good!" Schultz sighed in relief. Then the penny dropped. His eyebrows shot up, a comical look of dismay on his face. "Truck? Prisoner?" he repeated, realizing the secret was out. Immediately he took refuge in his all-purpose response, growling in frustration: "Rrrmmh! I know nothing!" as he pushed past the smirking colonel and slammed the door on his way out.

Author's note: The Houlihan set-up sort of parallels the situation with Olsen in the pilot, though without an actual outside man. But the writers of the show didn't pick up on the earlier set-up for this episode. As we all know, consistency wasn't their strong point.