SPOILERS FOR DEMON PATH AND KANAN. If you couldn't already guess.
This is right after they left Astec because Revya was hungry, and right before Lobo appears.
This is a KananxRevya, a one-shot, pure nonsense, and... Pretty much just crack.
So if you don't want to read, I'll understand.
Oh, and listen to the song this fic's named after. Ha ha ha, I love playing that song on Guitar Hero...
I was not amused.
No, I'm still not amused.
Then again, the majority of the time I'm not. Only the sensation of another pathetic creature's death, death by my hand might I add, can keep me happy (That just sounds cliche...). Though, as I said, I'm not amused. Therefore, not happy. The stupid voice in my head happened to notice, of course. How could he not? He could feel anything I'm feeling, whether it be something physical or an emotion. How dirty.
"Hey, kid. Can you set yer anger fumes down a couple notches? It's getting me irritated," Gig's voiced echoed in her head.
"I can't help it. I'm... not amused..." I said. Really, I'm not amused in the least. And yes. I'll keep insisting that. I leaned against the cold walls of the previously "Hidden Village" with my arms crossed, thinking. This was beyond frustrating.
"Why, didn't get enough of a killing? God, I still can't believe you ran out early just 'cause you were hungry! You just totally stroked that stupid cow man's ego," Gig's voice sounded a little rougher and deeper when compared to the very first moment I met him. "Maybe you need to just totally kill someone right now. Just to get that pent up anger out of ya. Heheh."
"No, that's not the problem. Something is just plain out bugging me," I told him. I glanced around the cave and observed the four lackeys that had joined up with me.
Penn glanced up and around the ex-Knight Thorndyke. He didn't look well, not like I cared. He glanced warily at Penn.
"Hey, mister. You don't look so good," Penn told him. "Do you gotta poo?" Thorndyke said nothing, but cringed slightly at the thought. "Too late?" Penn's such a weird brat.
Galahad entered their conversation. "Penn, do you really think any grown man would just... Just crap his pants? Like that? I mean, at the very least without an effort to reach the bathroom. A knight crapping his pants, no less."
"Hey, I've seen it happen before," Penn declared.
"Ah, I see... Wait, where did you see a knight...?!"
"You wouldn't believe how many knights run off to the forest just to take use the bathroom! But before they can get far enough so others can't smell it, plop!" Penn even made a gesture describing the situation. "The brownie factory is in business!"
"I-I see..." was all Galahad could manage to say to that. "But... Hey, that gives me an idea!"
"Penn, that's ridiculous," Thorndyke managed to say. "It's still hard to believe something like that happening to a knight."
"Well, I saw it happen," Penn said.
"I'll... I'll make an all purpose pill!" Galahad's face was lit up in enthusiasm. "For headaches, stomachaches, and constipation!"
"We're talking about holding it in though, not trying to get out," Penn laughed.
I rolled my eyes at the conversation. Knights crapping? Can you say "what the hell"? Good.
"What the hell are they talking about? Crapping knights?" Gig said aloud. "Talk about boredom at its peak." I just nodded my head in agreement. "Hey, where's that dracon chick, Kanan?"
The back of my head slammed into the rocky wall behind me.
"Ahh, holy crap! What the hell, kid?!" Despite how loud Gig said this, the other three didn't seem to pay attention. "Ah, geez, I think your head's bleeding! What's wrong with you?!"
"I twitched," I said. "I twitched real bad." Pretty much true. I put a hand on the back of my head and felt something warm. Apparently, it was blood. I checked my head to see the red liquid.
"Well, why'd you twitch?"
"..."
"Hey, kid. Are you even listening to me? Hey!" I didn't respond. My irritation reached its point, and I walked up to the three men. Or Two and a Half Men. They could already sense my anger, I could tell.
"Where's Kanan?" I didn't recognize my own voice. It was low, as a low as a teenage girl's voice could go, and filled completely with frustration. I felt much more furious than when that moronic cow was making a fool of me during battle.
"Whoa, kid. What's up with you?" Gig sounded like he was a little interested in my anger. Anything that gets me to kill makes him happy, I imagine.
Galahad was apprehensive. "U-um," He stuttered. He always stutters in fear. It's actually quite amusing. "I-I'm not sure. I t-think she went to the bathroom a few minutes ago."
"Which bathroom did she go to?"
Galahad and Thorndyke looked at me like the answer was obvious. "I imagine she went in to the women's bathroom..." Thorndyke said.
"'You imagine'? Unless you're sure that she went into the women's bathroom..."
"H-hey, that's just silly. Why would you think that Kanan would be in the men's bathroom instead?" I glared at Galahad, signaling him to promptly shut up.
"Okay, you're all complete retards," Gig's voice showed annoyance in the stupidity of the situation.
I didn't even notice the little girly, blue-haired bugger had left and come back. "Hey! I saw that Kanan lady come out of the men's bathroom," He giggled. "Isn't that silly? Maybe she got confused."
No one said a thing. Penn looked briefly at each of us, smiling the whole time, though, in wonder. Thorndyke looked somewhat disgusted, but tried to keep his face composed. Galahad seemed repulsed. I looked... Well, I didn't know how I looked. But I felt a little triumphant.
"This is some Jerry Spring bullshit," Judging from Gig's voice, I could tell he was surprised, thought the whole thing was stupid, and thought this was funny, as well.
Kanan, just at the moment, waltzed in gracefully from out of a hallway. She noticed our strange behavior and approached us. "My. What's wrong, everybody?"
Galahad was hesitant to look at her, taking a quick glance, then looking away. Thorndyke looked straight ahead, clearly uncomfortable. She looked down at Penn, who smiled playfully back. Then she looked at me. "My Lord, did something happen?"
"Did something happen?" Gig asked, repeating the question. "Naaaah. No. Nope. Not really. More like... A shocking realization. Heheh."
"I see. You three. Remember, as long as your faith is within our lord, all shall be right," Kanan looked at Thorndyke, Galahad, and me.
"Okay, that's it. Kanan, take off your shirt," I said. Everybody looked at me in shock, of course. Kanan was speechless.
"What the - ?! What the - ?!" Gig was amazed at what I was saying. "Kid! I never knew... Oh, God! What the shit!"
"Daaah... Uh, what?" Galahad began to sweat, not liking where the situation is going.
"You're going to make Kanan undress out here? I better go!" Penn laughed and walked away from the area we were at.
"?! What are you saying?" Thorndyke said, indignant. "That's sexual harassment! If you think I'll just stand idly by and watch, then..."
"Typical knight talk, wanting to uphold the law and shit," The way Thorndyke was always trying to act righteous annoyed the hell out of me. "I'm not gonna do anything. I just want her, or quite possibly him, to undress."
"I... No, I won't allow such an act!"
"Hey. I have to know if she's a guy or not. For all I know, all three of you could butt rape me when I'm not looking."
"Uh, yeah. I'll let that happen," Gig said sarcastically, the surprise not gone from his voice. "That'd be like butt rape on me too, you know!"
"I have a right to know whether she's a man or not," I said in finality. "And if you try to stop me, I'll just kill you." Thorndyke's face was mangled in defeat. Galahad never looked back at us. God knows where Penn went; Best he not know what I'm to do. And Kanan...
"My Lord! Have you f-forsaken me?!" Kanan, finally saying something, yelled out to Gig. "Would you allow her to... to disgrace me just like that?!"
Without waiting for Gig's answer, I leapt onto Kanan. She (or he), toppled over, with me sitting right on top of her (him?). I pinned both of her (his??) arms to the floor with my hands so she (he) could not escape. The look on her (his) face was petrified. I was getting a kick out of this...
"I'll let you go when you take off your clothes!" I said.
"N-no! Are you mad, woman?! Get off me! M-my Lord!"
"Take off your clothes!!"
"Oh, dear lord..." Galahad took a glance at us and couldn't take his eyes off this time. His face grew a bright red. Thorndyke grew slightly irate, knowing he could nothing to help Kanan. He knew I would kill him, but he also knew he would never get Penn back otherwise.
"Hey, what's happening? Are you playing a game?" Penn poked his head in with curiosity
"Penn! Leave! Now!" Thorndyke demanded. Penn didn't listen as he ran back in watching Kanan struggle to break free from my grasp.
"Stop struggling! Agree to take it off!" I ordered, once again.
"Take it off? Take what off? What's the rules to the game?" Thorndyke covered Penn's eyes. "Hey! I can't see!"
"Oh me, oh my..." Galahad said anxiously.
"My Lord! Please! I beg of you!" Kanan called out to Gig.
"Gig! Tell her to take off her clothes!" I told him.
Gig said nothing.
"My Lord!"
"Gig!"
"Look, you know the kid could kill you just like that and find out anyway, right?" Gig asked, trying to reason Kanan. "So either way, you'll... die of embarrassment anyway. Ha ha ha."
"L-lord!" Kanan sounded terribly desperate.
"Actually, I wouldn't kill you, Kanan. I'll just forcibly undress you myself," I said with no shame.
"Huh?!"
"You don't seem like you're going to take off your clothes anytime soon, so..." I released my right hand from her left wrist and quickly pulled off the the tiny vest off her body and the shirt that was beneath it. It was difficult to take it off, for every time I tried to pull it out of her arms, she used it as a chance to get free. I thought I was forced to rip the shirt when I finally got the clothing off of her (him). I threw it behind me, and I guess it hit Galahad in the face as he made a small shriek.
Kanan, as anyone could tell, was beyond embarrassed. She (he) looked at me, mouth agape, eyes wide open in shock, maybe fear. Her (his) face was really red, too. She (he) stopped struggling, knowing what she (he) feared already happened.
Her (his) chest was completely flat.
I released her (him), though we held our positions, and I turned to the other three. "No boobs," I announced. "I don't think any real woman could possibly be that flat."
"Flat? Boobs? Wait, Kanan?" Penn asked, his eyes still covered.
"Kanan, she's..." Thorndyke trailed off, confused.
"Damn. Can't believe the kid's suspicions were right!" Gig said. "I never knew you dracons were like that. Ha ha ha."
"W-wait!" Galahad called out. "You can't say for sure she's a man unless..."
Everyone quickly turned their faces to Galahad, Kanan's particularly fearful. "You're getting a kick out of this, aren't you, Galahad?" I asked.
"Eeeeew, first Kanan, and now Galahad?! You guys are so freaking twisted!" Gig sounded tired from all these "discoveries". "You guys are just... sexually freaky! And that includes Penn!"
"What includes me?" Penn asked too happily with his eyes covered.
"W-what?! N-no, I was just suggesting..." Galahad put his hands up in defense.
"To see her pee pee," I answered for him. Galahad was clearly embarrassed. "But you're right. I was gonna take off her skirt to find out for sure, anyway." I looked back down at Kanan. "Would you like to do the honors? No, wait," I looked to Galahad. "Would you like to do the honors?"
I didn't get a chance to see his reaction, as I sensed an energy rushing towards me at a high speed. I back stepped as swirls of black energy hurled itself at me. Kanan used this chance and quickly picked himself up and ran away. Dodging the black energies, I ran for him. Damn, he was fast! I should say that at this point, I was convinced that "she" was a "he".
Before he could escape from the hidden village, I jumped and grabbed onto his waist, causing us to both fall to the floor on our stomachs.
"R-Revya... I beg of you... Let... Let go!" He pushed me on me head with his hand to get me off.
"I can't... Can't do that, Kanan! I gotta see..." I reached for the top of his skirt to pull it off...
"I'll do anything! Anything!" Kanan sounded desperate.
I blinked. "Anything?" I stopped my attempt, but did not move from my spot.
Kanan sighed. "I'll... I will tell you that... You're correct... I'm not... Not a..."
"So I can basically be assured that you're a man."
He nodded solemnly.
"And I don't have to check to make sure?"
He nodded again. I slowly got off of him, but held on to his wrist as we got into sitting positions on the floor. He looked at me confused. I glanced around the area. He ran quite a distance away from the three stooges.
"Oh, man, that's it. Everybody is officially an idiot or a freak. Heck, probably both!" Gig sounded grumpy. I suppose he didn't want to deal with this anymore.
"Okay then. Kanan, I want you to kiss me."
Kanan's face was just priceless... "W-what?! You want me to..."
I nodded.
"I don't understand. Why would you want me to...?"
"You said anything, Kanan. You wouldn't dare disobey your god, would you?"
"You are not my god!" He looked at me fiercely.
"Yeah, yeah, you think Gig is," I rolled my eyes. "But you still have to do it. You said you would do anything. And as I cradle Gig soul in my body, that's pretty much close enough for you to defy your precious god if you don't listen to what I say."
Kanan glared at me a long while. I returned him glare for what felt like... a tortured eternity, until he smiled and laughed loudly. I looked at him, puzzled. "Ha ha ha ha, I like your style, kid." He shook his head. "You do everything by force. You rip off my shirt, and maybe even consider killing me just to find out what you want to know. You're really a silly little girl."
"That's blatantly obvious," I told him. Shouldn't that be obvious by my mannerisms? I scratched my head. "And yes, I do pretty much everything by force if you haven't noticed that, either." He said nothing. "I'm sure you're wondering why I want to kiss you."
"Mm, yes, I am wondering. It confounds me, really." Kanan looked up to the ceiling. "Wouldn't a normal girl's reaction be very much different if she found out a woman she knew turned out to be a... Man? This should be especially true when you consider the man's intentions for playing as a woman."
"But I'm not a normal girl," I reminded him.
"Ha ha ha, that's certainly true," Kanan reached over and patted my head. "You're so far from normal." He sighed.
"I kill tons of people. Of course I'm not normal."
"I'd like to think of it as Divine Judgment."
"So you say. But whatever you consider it, it's not true."
"..."
"Are you seriously into all that fake religious crap?" I looked up at him with wonder.
He did not look at me. "No, I suppose not."
"Then why do you act like it?"
Kanan chuckled. "The thrill of leadership, maybe? Influence over many people's actions? An alternative to atheism? The opportunity to meet someone?"
"You say leadership, but you blindly declared Gig as your god, and left the whole Thuris religion. You're not a leader anymore."
"But I got to meet someone," He looked at me from the corner of his eye. Of course I'm wondering who he's talking about. "But that is beside the main point." He looked back down at me. "Why would you want to kiss me?"
I shrugged. I crossed my legs on the floor after sitting uncomfortably for awhile. "You said something about a man's intentions behind playing as a woman... I'm sure you know what I'm talking about."
"... Yes, that's right."
"Well, I want to see if that is true, or if it's only half true."
He blinked a few times and laughed again. "Ha ha ha, I see." He grinned at me. "Honestly, first, I'd like you to know that I much prefer you this way when you're not lusting for blood."
"I'm sure most people would," I briefly thought of Danette, Lady Layna, and everybody else that she met recently that could have truly been a friend, had she not turned on Lady Layna and abused Gig's power. I quickly repressed the thought.
Kanan turned stood and helped me up. "All right, then. I have no choice but to kiss you, lest I... Face your wrath and have my skirt ripped off from my legs by you."
"I could certainly do the latter if you'd prefer."
Kanan held on to my face delicately as I put my hands to his chest. This is just... Romantic and ironic and... Funny.
"Motherfu-!! Holy shi-!! What the hell are you-?!" I laughed inwardly. Gig must've not been paying attention those past few minutes.
Mm! He's a good kisser.
I was about to dedicate this to someone. But I decided... Not to. You know?
Anyway, sorry for half-assing the end.