This was written over the summer as an escape from my infinite boredom. It is a combination of two of my favorite fandoms, FullMetal Alchemist and Phantom of the Opera. It was influenced by PotO in Fifteen Minutes; credit and hats off to the person who wrote that. This is my first attempt at writing something homorous; I rarely stray from the dark, dramatic stuff. Be warned, everyone in this fic is extremley OOC, and is coated with a light dusting of crack.

Disclaimer: Not mine. All Hiromu Arakawa's and Andrew Lloyd Webber's.

The Colonel of the Opera

(It is 1905, Paris France. We are inside the dilapidated ruins of The Opera Garnier. For some odd, unknown reason, everything is in black and white. We see The Fürher atop a podium, running an auction. Among the small crowd are Jean Havoc and Madame Pinako. Havoc is very old and confined to a wheelchair, and is accompanied by a nun who appears to be stalking him. We can tell she is a nun because she is wearing a ridiculous hat that looks like a headless swan. We can tell she is a stalker because she is constantly following Havoc around. As for Pinako…well, let's just say that I'm amazed that she's still alive.)

Führer- Ahem… Lot 665, one extremely ugly and slightly creepy monkey atop a music box, wearing ancient Persian Robes and playing the cymbals. It was found in the sewers and unfortunately still works. It smells kinda bad. Fifteen francs, anyone?

Crowd- (gazes in awe at the hideous monkey)

Some Guy- It's so…ugly. I want to give it to my wife! I'm bid!

Another Guy- Twenty francs!

Pinako- Twenty-five!

Havoc- Mmpff!

Flying Stalker Nun- Thirty francs!

Führer- Sold! Sold for thirty francs to the ancient gentleman and his flying nun. Lot 666, a chandelier in a million teeny tiny, ity bity pieces.

Crowd- (gasp)

Edward's Disembodied Voice- WHO DID YOU JUST CALL ITY BITY?!

Führer- Shut up, FullMetal, you're supposed to be dead!

Edward's Disembodied Voice- Oh, right. Sorry.

Some Guy- Why would anyone want a broken chandelier?

Führer- 'Cause it's sparkly!

Crowd- OOOOHH!

Führer- And shiny!

Crowd- AAAAAHH!

Fürher- IT'S THE BROKEN CHANDELIER OF DOOM!

Pinako- …and exposition.

Führer- AND EXPOSITION!!

(The Führer melodramatically switches on The Broken Chandelier of Doom and Exposition, which also seems to be a time machine. We are thrust into 1870, when The Opera House wasn't so dilapidated. In fact, it was actually quite lovely. There are nude gold people on the walls and a gorgeous mural on the ceiling. The Broken Chandelier of Doom and Exposition magically heals itself and rises to the top of the dome. As The Führer said, it is very sparkly and very shiny. For some reason, the color decides to kick in. The theatre is full of people running every which way. The singers are singing, the dancers are dancing, the actors are acting, and the musicians are playing their instruments. Two guys step out of a carriage. One is very short with long blonde hair in a braid and golden eyes, and the other is slightly on the tall side with long (rather perfect) sandy hair in a ponytail with greenish-brownish hazely grayish eyes. The short one has an automail right arm and left leg, but we don't know that yet. Inside, Winry Rockbell is trying to sing. Trying.)

Winry- THEESE TROOOoooOOOOoooOOPHY FROM OUR SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVIORS!

FROM THE ENSLAVING FORCE OF ROOOOOOOOOOOOOME!! (knocks out stagehand with wrench)

Armstrong- (rips off shirt with one swipe)

(Winry exits stage left, with Armstrong close behind. The dancers almost trample the unconscious stagehand. The dancers start dancing, with Rose and Riza playing the two lead dancers, but for some reason, Riza isn't there. The dance is interrupted when the manager enters.)

Manager- Alrighty everyone, I can't bear another minute with that bothersome ghost in this theatre. Therefore, I will retire. Your new managers are Monsieurs Edward and Alphonse Elric, and your new patron is Jean Havoc. Farewell! Goodbye! Au Revior! If you need me, I shall be in Australia!

(The Manager almost skips out, obviously delighted to leave. Edward, Alphonse, and Havoc enter. Edward (the short one) and Havoc (the old guy from 1905, only much younger and not in a wheelchair) are bickering vigorously while Alphonse (the one with greenish-brownish hazely grayish eyes) sort of stands to the side. Havoc is the tallest of the three, with light, straw coloured hair and pale blue eyes. A cigarette with an unearthly amount of ash on the end dangles precariously from his mouth. At this moment, Riza rushes in late, and promptly trips over the unconscious stagehand on the floor.)

Stagehand- OW!

Pinako- Riza!

Rose- Riza!

Armstrong- Winry!

Alphonse- Who's Riza?

Winry- That's Riza!

Rose- Where were you, Riza?

Riza- Me? I was talking to the Phantom/Angel/Colonel in my mirror!

Rose- (blink)

Pinako- (To newcomers) Okay gents, since this is your first time, I'll give you a tour. First of all, The Opera Colonel needs to be paid. Second of all, Edward, you're a shorty, so I'll call you 'shrimp'. Havoc, you're a smoker, which is a nasty habit, so I'll call you 'The Nicotine King'. Alphonse, your hair is entirely too perfect. It is obvious you use extra moisturizing conditioning shampoo and sleep in a hairnet. Therefore, I dub thee 'Fabio'.

Edward- I'M NOT A SHRIMP! I'M 5'8!

Alphonse- No, you're 5'1! And how do you know about my extra moisturizing conditioning shampoo and hairnets?

Edward- He uses a straightening iron, too. His hair is actually really curly. And he- Mmpff!

Alphonse- (Claps hand over Edward's mouth)

--

Winry- Wanna hear me sing?

Havoc- Not particularly.

Winry- Not even a little bit?

Havoc- Not in the slightest.

Winry- (Brandishes wrench)

Havoc/Edward/Alphonse- Alright, alright, we'll listen to you sing!

Stagehand- Not again…

Winry- THIIIIINK OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEE, THINK OF ME FONDLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, WHEN WE'VE SAID GOOoooOOOoooDBYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- EEEEEEEKKK!

Falling Backdrop- (puts everyone out of their misery)

Edward- Oh, thank GOD.

Falling Backdrop- No problem.

Winry- I hate you all! You are so cruel! You never appreciated my genius! (sob)

Alphonse- …What genius?

Winry- I'm leaving and I'm never coming back! Screw you all! (Runs out, sobbing)

Havoc- Ding-Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead!

Pinako- At last! She's finally gone!

Armstrong- NOOO! Winry, we miss you! Come back!

Winry- (Comes back) …I forgot my beloved wrench.

(crickets)

Winry- picks up wrench Come on, George! Let's leave the people who don't appreciate us!

(Pause)

Pinako- …You named it? You named it George?!

Winry- Hmph. Stalks off

(cheers)

Alphonse- Wait. Who's gonna sing tonight? We can't have a gala without a star! Ed, do you wanna sing it?

Edward- I'm not gonna sing in a stupid opera!!

Alphonse- Havoc?

Havoc- I can't sing with a cigarette in my mouth!

Alphonse- Take it out! Surely you can survive two hours without it?!

Havoc- I….I superglued it in.

Alphonse- (eye roll) If no one can sing it, then I guess I'll have to.

Everyone but Alphonse- NOOOOO!

Rose- OOOH, Mr. Managers, Mr. Patron! I know! Riza could sing it!!

Havoc/Edward/Alphonse- What!?

Pinako- What!?

Armstrong- What!?

Riza- What!?

Rose- Yeah! Remember, you said that The Phantom/Angel/Colonel teaches you to sing! And how to use firearms! And-

Riza- Shh!

Alphonse- Well then, by all means, let's hear it. From the beginning of the aria, Miss.

Conductor- I see no such 'aria', sir.

Alphonse- Then from the beginning of the overwritten pop ballad!

(Riza sings the overwritten pop ballad. Very well. Edward and Alphonse are amazed by her voice, and Havoc finally recognizes her as Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, one of his subordinates. Winry is jealous of Riza. Very jealous. Armstrong continues to obsess over his "perfect" figure.)

Rose- Oh Riza, you're such a good singer! Where did you get such a great voice!?

Riza- eBay.

(Riza goes to her dressing room. It is very ornate with bouquets of flowers everywhere, and a very large mirror in the back. At this moment, Havoc walks in carrying champagne.)

Havoc- Howdy, Riza! Or should I say Lieutenant Hawkeye?

Riza- Jean Havoc. Second Lieutenant. I saw you arguing with the new managers.

Havoc- Wanna go on a date, baby?

Riza- (arches eyebrow) No, The Phantom/Angel/Colonel who lives in my mirror won't like it if I go out with you. He might drop a chandelier on you.

Havoc- Great! See you in five minutes, babe! Skips out, humming 'Hey Micky'

(As Havoc (Who isn't very bright) skips joyfully away, Riza hears the disembodied voice of The Phantom/Angel/Colonel. He is not happy. Even though everyone calls him 'The Opera Colonel' or 'The Phantom/Angel/Colonel, his real name is Roy. For some odd reason, Roy is wearing a half-mask.)

Roy- How dare that insolent creep! He tried to take my beloved Riza on a date! NO ONE TAKES RIZA AWAY FROM MEEEEEE! Curse that ignorant marshmallow face! I hope he rots among the sewer rats! I hope his hair falls out! I ought to cut out his tongue, shoot him, and then shoot the tongue! I hope Santa skips his house this Christmas! A thousand curses on him!!

Riza- You're one to talk.

Roy- Whatever.

Havoc- (From outside) Hello? Hey Riza, who is that in there?

Roy- gasp It's The Marshmallow Face! He's back for revenge! Quick Riza, into the mirror!

Havoc- What's going on in there!? Who is that!?

Roy- Quickly, Riza!! Succumb to me!

Havoc- ARE YOU IN THERE WITH SOME SORT OF VAMPIRE!?

Riza-(goes into mirror with Roy)

Havoc- Bursts into room just as Riza disappears into the mirror with Roy But…but I thought we really had something special, baby! (tear)

(After Roy coaxes Riza into the mirror, he leads her down a corridor lit with really creepy candelabras and candles. At the end of the corridor, she mounts a white horse and rides a few minutes on horseback. Then they board a yacht and sail for a few hours, and then they get on a plane and have a layover in the third cellar. They board a train and then ride in a taxi until they arrive at a gondola for the last leg of the journey. By this time, Roy and Riza have struck up an interesting conversation.)

Riza- Are we there yet?

Roy- No.

Riza- Are we there yet?

Roy- No.

Riza- Will we get there faster if I hold you at gunpoint for the rest of the trip?

Roy- …Yes.

(A few minutes later)

Riza- Can I drive?

Roy- No.

(The twosome finally arrive in Roy's secret lair. Here, there are many things that your typical Phantom/Angel/Colonel would have in their lair. A huge pipe organ, several charcoal sketches, a tiny replica of the Opera House with little miniature dolls of each employee. Riza notices that the one that resembles Jean Havoc has a screw sticking out of its forehead. There are also musical scores, lots of candles, a large bed in the corner, several mirrors, a life-size mannequin of Riza wearing a tube top and miniskirt, and the same creepy, ugly monkey from the auction. Roy hops out of the gondola.)

Roy- Welcome to my lair! I've decorated it so lavishly because Martha Stewart says that candles are very stylish this season! Don't you love my candles? The ones near the organ are honeysuckle scented, the ones near the bed smell like cinnamon, and all the rest are lavender scented!

Riza- Nice.

Roy- points to mini opera house This is my Opera Dollhouse of Crazy!

Riza- Intriguing. Why does Havoc have a screw in his head?

Roy- points to monkey And this is my incredibly horrid monkey music box!

Riza- That's the ugliest monkey I've ever seen.

Roy- lovingly hugs mannequin And THIS is my beautiful mannequin of you, dearest Riza! I put a tube top and miniskirt on it for added effect! Isn't it lovely?

Riza- Oh my. (faints)

Roy- Crap.

Horse- I think we all saw that one coming.

Roy- Shut up.

(Roy puts Riza in the bed surrounded by cinnamon scented candles. He goes to his organ and starts playing 'If You're Happy and You Know It' to pass the time. Several hours later, after Roy has played 'They're Coming to Take Me Away', 'The Oscar Meyer Song', and 'The Hamster Dance', Riza wakes up.)

Riza- Okay, I remember a lot of candles…

Candles- (flicker)

Riza- …An Opera Dollhouse of Crazy…

Opera Dollhouse of Crazy- 'Ello, Govna!

Riza- …And a really ugly monkey.

Ugly Monkey- (ching)

Roy- Mornin'.

(Riza walks up behind Roy, who is now playing 'Barbie Girl' on his organ. Riza eyes his mask suspiciously.)

Riza- I'm gonna take your mask off.

Roy- Okay.

Riza- Seriously, I'm peeling it off as we speak.

Roy- Ten-Four.

Riza- It's coming off right now.

Roy- Sure, whatever.

The Mask- (comes off)

Roy- AAARRGGHH! YOU LITTLE -bleeeeeeeep-!! YOU CREUL, COLD HEARTED -bleeeeep-!! YOU -bleeeeeep-, INSIGNIFICANT -bleeeeeeeeep-!! -bleeeeeeep- YOU! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEEE?!

Riza- (blink) You know, it really isn't that bad. I mean, once you get past the freaky eye and the visible skull-

Roy- AAARRRGGGHHH!!

Riza- (gives him back the mask) I changed my mind. You can keep it.

Roy- (puts mask back on) Come on. Those two numbskull brothers who run my theatre will be missing you.

(Roy takes Riza back to her dressing room. Meanwhile, in the foyer of the Opera House, Edward has received a note from The Phantom/Angel/Colonel. Roy is not happy with how Edward and Alphonse are running the theatre, and is particularly peeved with Havoc's relationship with Riza. Let's eavesdrop, shall we?)

Edward- Look at this! That stupid Phantom/Angel/Colonel demands too much! Twenty Thousand Francs a month!? And a reserved seat for every performance!? Who does he think he is?! I'm gonna liquefy his brain with alchemy!

(Alphonse rushes in)

Alphonse- Brother! You've got one, too! brandishes note I found this in my hairnet this morning!

(Havoc rushes in)

Havoc- points at Edward YOU! You sent me this note, didn't you!? What is the meaning of this!? I demand to know!

Edward- I didn't send-

(Winry rushes in)

Winry- What the hell is this? Who's been sending me prank letters!?

Alphonse- Wait a second. None of us sent these notes. Brother, what does yours' say?

Edward- Mine says, 'Bump up my cash!'

Alphonse- Mine says, 'Fire Winry!'

Havoc- Mine says, 'Keep your filthy mitts off Riza!'

Winry- Mine says, 'You suck, and so does the wrench!'

Edward- Oh, who cares what some stupid Phantom/Angel/Colonel thinks? Winry, you're gonna sing tonight.

Winry- Never! Georgie and I will not sing where we are not wanted.

Edward-…Wrenches can sing…?

Alphonse- Please Winry! (collapses at Winry's feet) We need you! You are our star!

Winry- Never!

Everyone but Winry- collapses at Winry's feet PLEEEEEASE?!

Edward- It's kinda dirty down here…

Armstrong- And I have arthritis!!

Winry- What time is the show!?

(That night, the stage is set for an opera. The Opera is called 'Ill Muto'. It is about a countess in a very large pink dress who may or may not be having an affair with a mute guy named 'Serafimo', who may or may not be an actual guy. Winry is playing the countess. Riza is playing Serafimo. Roy is not happy about this casting arrangement.)

Winry- POOOooooOOOOoooOOR FOOooOOL, HE MAKES ME LAAAAUGH HARDY HARDY HAR HAR HAR!!

Roy's Disembodied Vioce- switches Winry's throat spritz I THOUGHT I SAID "FIRE WINRY!!" AND WHERE'S MY SPECAILLY RESERVED BOX!?

(Zoom to Manager's box)

Alphonse- Whoops…

Edward- Told ya so.

Alphonse- Shut up.

(Zoom back Onstage)

Winry- Where's my throat spritz? Ah, there it is. spritz spritz Hmm, it tastes a little different tonight, but- CROOOOAAAAAKK!

Roy's Disembodied Voice- TeeHee…

Winry- (sob)

Roy's Disembodied Voice - BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! BEHOLD! SHE IS SINGING TO BRING DOWN THE UN-BROKEN CHANDELIER OF DOOM AND EXPOSITION!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Winry- (runs away)

(Zoom to Manager's Box)

Edward- Quick! Bring in the Dancing Sheep!

Alphonse- Dancers and Sheep, you moron…

(Zoom Back Onstage)

Dancers- (prance)

Sheep- (baa)

Roy- Quick as a cat, sleek as a cat, I NOOSE THEE!!

Envy-(gasp) (choke) (dies)

Audience- AAAAAHHHH! IT'S A DEAD…

Edward- Is that a 'he', or a 'she'?

Alphonse- I…I don't know. Havoc?

Havoc- (shrugs)

Riza- Havoc! Havoc, to the roof! Now!

Havoc- (runs to roof with Riza)

(Havoc and Riza are now on the rooftop of the Opera House. You can see all of Paris from there, and there is a statue of the Greek god Apollo in a corner. Roy is hiding behind the statue.)

Riza- I saw him, Havoc! I saw The Phantom/Angel/Colonel! He showed me his scented candles and his Opera Dollhouse of Crazy! I saw the miniskirt mannequin and hideous monkey! I know why he hides beneath a mask!

Havoc- gasp What does he look like? Is it as awful as everyone says? Is it true that he has a gaping black hole where the nose should have been?

Riza- No. he accually has a terrible, awful, third-degree…SUNBURN!!

Havoc- (girly scream) I know! I'll keep you away from him forever and forever! Marry me, Riza?

(bobs eyebrows) Ya know ya wanna.

Riza- shrug Why not? Just never, under any circumstances, ever make a mannequin of me, 'kay?

Havoc- HOO-RAY!

(Havoc and Riza skip off arm-in-arm. Roy comes out from his hiding place. This is not easy, as he was squished between the statue and the wall.)

Roy- NOOOO! THAT MARSHMALLOW FACE STOLE MY RIZA! I'LL SHOW HIM! I'LL DROP A CHANDELEIR ON HIS UGLY HEAD!! (drops chandelier, which misses Havoc by an inch)

Roy- (sob)

Ugly Monkey- (ching)

Roy- Okay, you're just rubbing it in. (sniff)

To be continued...

Please review, Flames welcome.