Dear diary,

I hate you so much with your janky lock and ugly cardstock front. Yet you are the only one I can talk to again. After the destruction of your previous incarnation (I miss its soft leather and hand woven pages) during what I now call Karmygeddon, I am left with only you.

So I must tell you what I did and why I am distressed. If I keep this in, I'll melt down like K did last night during game night at Lauren's. (More on that later!)

K has been acting sketchy since Sabrina came, like her arrival is a problem. I know it sucks when you are uprooted especially when it's from a foreign country. Her dad is this executive for Indeed and when it got bought by the Japanese just after Camp Kichi-wawa ended, she went with them to Wakayama, Japan where he taught them about American marketing. Now she's back, being able to speak Japanese, having eaten whale and dolphin (eww!). She's been nothing but excited to around with us. She cracks bad jokes, makes rude gestures but generally is just being her old fun self, which annoys K. I don't know why. No one has she reacted this negatively about especially someone she knows.

So Lauren, via Bruce's love for his 'show pony', gets to live alone in a condo in Gables Park Plaza, downtown, close to the Colorado. She can see it from her balcony. Its beats any gift daddy has ever given me. Yet we have a nice house in Crestview near K and Hester is near so I'm thankful. He got her a two bedroom, really nice.

Anyway, she had Liam there as new, new Lisbeth doing what Lisbeth did. I don't know how that came about, don't want to know. Sab came with us because both of us wanted her and then K brought Noah to poke at Sean. Even Felix got an invite if only because she thinks he's a nerd and she needs to be seen more with them.

That blow up? Apparently, K believes Sabs bullied her behind my back including calling Night duty. I believe her, but it was then (K was being super protective which I always love her for when it isn't suffocating) and it's not now. So she called her out when Lauren disqualified her during game night. That's when it got crazy.

We were in sync and it seems K was relaxing when Sabs makes one of her jokes. Suddenly, K's all edgy and glarey. Lauren didn't help, especially with the infractions. Then she does her lightsaber charade. Lauren disqualifies her because she makes sounds. You can make sounds in charades. Most don't. Sabs makes a comment about how she's sorry it's a thing and K just flips out saying Sabs is out to get her all night. I pull her aside out on that gorgeous fourth story balcony, where she tells me that Sabs hates her and that all she wants is me to herself.

Beneath that serious, wound up ball of insecurity and fashion sense is my soul mate telling me she loves me and is deeply afraid I will be stolen from her. Sabrina is not some evil mastermind, I tell her. She's fun, fascinating, worldly woman got to spend four years in foreign country, summers in a fishing village called Taiji instead of Camp Kichi-wawa. Problem is I got this weird vibe off of Sabs all night as well, so I called Tom with the emergency number he gave me. Karma talked to him first telling him about Sabs.

When she handed the phone to me, he asked me one question, "Did she mention Dagon, Taiji or puhrum."

I told him about the summers in Taiji and where she lived in japan. I heard a sigh in the background. "I will look in to it. Walk with Sabrina. Don't make it obvious. I'll be nearby. You and Karma need to spent the night together.'

I handed the phone to K and her face lit up. Sabs and K are fighting over me. I do love this just not like this. This is wrong and then it got worse. We returned to Liam and Lauren playing poker her with her determined game face on. Since Felix was our ride, he drove us back. Then when he got to our neighborhood, his dad called so he dropped us off at my house.

So as Sabs and I walked towards her 'green monster' scooter she brought from Japan, we talk about life and Sabs announces that she thinks she's bi too and that her boyfriend is fake. As we hug I remember a line Petyr Baelish said on Game of thrones: Chaos isn't a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some are given a chance to climb, they cling to the realm or the gods or love. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is. I shivered for a while watching that. So I say aloud randomly that Chaos is a ladder and Sabrina looks at me amused like I told one of her bad jokes.

Tom walks out of the darkness, wearing all black. Black leather jacket, black button down shirt and slacks. His ebony hair is clipped close to his head as he's probably practices for the Olympics. He introduces himself when I don't freak as Sabs is doing.

Problem is my mind blanks. Sabs is now babbling on about mermaids and how she hates dolphins and whales and how much she would do anything to be my friend. Tom is grim faced yet he walks over. 'She'll be fine."

'What'd you do?"

'Knocked her off the ladder.' He said as he walked back into the darkness. So I walk Sabs over to her massive jade scooter with its fat racing wheels and Japanese license plate asking if she's ok. She asks why shouldn't she be and that Tom was charming if a bit creepy with the vampire vibe.

I shrugged because Sabs is into me I just don't know how much. That scares me. I don't want to have to choose.

Back at my bedroom, K is waiting asking how it when with Tom, so I said, he was charming as always with a bit of vampire this time. More comments about how bad Twilight is. (Vampires don't sparkle!) So she tells me she put this book on top my lockers and can't get it. So I offer to boost her up (I can lift her somewhat) and as she reaches up, she starts laughing about what I have hidden up there.

Yea I tossed the sash up there when I was looking for something. No, it's all the saw stuff. I say that's because Mom freaks at horror and start giggling. Well, K laughs harder and then pees all over me.

I set her down immediately, expecting her to run to the bathroom. She stares at me, all stinky and wet in spots, and almost falls over laughing.

This isn't funny so as I brush past to strip off everything, she calms and explains what Reagan said. 'I guess you are truly mine now.' So with fresh clothes on I pull back the bedcovers. K apologizes and we hug it out, even though I'd rather we kiss. Still I am clueless what to do. Then we do, of which I stupidly say I don't want then grab her. Only, I get a Sabs vibe and have to shake it off. Why can't everything be happy?

So as I am writing this, my phone chirps. I have a facetime call from Gwen Breton herself. For those who of you clueless about music (if this gets stolen), She is a five Grammy award winning artist who sings a mix of everything. She is like Taylor Swift's alter ego. She is also Tom's wife. I take the call and there she is in a sparkling golden dress, her fluffy locks like mine only sun bleached. She's tanner than me by a shade. Her squarish face grins when she says, 'Tom said you needed to be cheered up so I happen to be in concert in Sydney right now, Thought I share this with you.' Then she shouts to the crowd 'Say hello to Amy everyone!'

This massive crowd screams 'we love you Amy!' and I see them waving light sticks and waving. The people in the front row are wearing #karmy shirts like the ones Lauren made on they have my and K's homecoming queens' pic underneath.

My hand covers my mouth when she looks back. 'You thought I forgot you. I didn't. When you and Karma graduate, she's got a spot on my label while you both go to Clement.'

She pauses a second while I can still hear the crowd chant 'Amy's song'. I walk through the bathroom to Lauren's old room where Karma is sleeping because mom insisted, and looked in. She's sound asleep, peaceful and happy. Yeah so I gave some videos of Karma singing to Tom. I can't tell her. She would be so mad. As I am walking back to my room, Gwen says, 'I want to introduce someone to you, then popped up Loren Tate. Her music helped me through summer and winter of the same year as Camp Kichi-wawa.

Loren introduced herself, and said 'I'm dedicating 'Mars' to you. As I listened to her sing, I realized that why everything is so hard. I am making it that way. My head was in the clouds because I love my soul mate so much. I want her to succeed so much. That's when the real guilt sat in. Sabs is a wedge between us. I'm playing with fire again. So the truth is… do I fake it with sabs hoping to catch her faking it with me to hurt K? I don't know. I know K is worth it but she chooses to insist she is straight. I can't cross the line again and find nothing there. It would hurt too much.

Good morning Diary, don't tell anyone.

[mars link: /eJXZDE_cGQs ]