"I'm gonna be released from behind these lies, and I don't care whether I live or die, and I'm losing blood. I'm gonna leave my bone, and I don't want your heart. It leaves me cold"

Florence & the Machine – Leave My Body.

October 25th, 2011

In all truth, I can't say I didn't see it coming. I did, I knew it would happen. My problem was ignoring these fears.

I knew it was too good to be true.

Now it's all over.

October 25th, 2010

"You know? I always loved Fall the most." It's true. Fall has always been my favorite season. The leaves die, turning into an array of different warm colors, bringing some sort of magical cheer to the otherwise cloudy and gloomy weather.

She lifted her head off of my shoulder and looked at me with amusement and tenderness dancing on her eyes. "I didn't know you held a preference for any season, Jane. I always thought you wouldn't care about these things." And Maura would be right. I usually don't. I have a hard-ass reputation to uphold. But she makes me feel safe. With her, I can be tender and weak, strong and powerful. I can be me.

I smile, and I look back at her as we keep walking. "Well, usually I wouldn't," I agreed. "But the fall…well I can't help but love it. It has charm, you know? It has a warm feeling. It's like you. Colorful and warm. It's beautiful." At this declaration she smiles widely. We've been together for some time – two months to be exact. It's been a journey and it has been amazing so far. "How about you? Any special season you like?"

"I would have to go with winter."

"Winter?" As far as I know, they are usually a disappointment, since every year her parents find a way to get out of spending Christmas with her. "Why winter?" I asked.

"Because, when the weather is freezing, I always have you to keep me warm," she said. I smiled at her and we came to a stop. She smiled back and then stepped in front of me. Her eyes sparkled, and I realized what she meant. No matter what relationship we had before, we were always there to keep each other warm –either with a smile or with a kiss, we're always there for each other. She leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. Absolute happiness and giddiness erupted from inside me, and I start to wonder how I was ever happy before her.

October 25th, 2011

I reached for the bottle of tequila. It was going to be one of those nights. I can't bring myself to feel angry towards my lack of restraint. It hurt too much to feel. It hurt too much to breathe. It hurt too much.

I thought we were happy. I really did, but then it seems someone else can fill my shoes. Hell, maybe it was me trying to fill someone else's shoes this whole time.

"Fucking hell, Rizzoli!" I yell to no one but myself. My apartment was empty, after all. I drop down on my couch and I stare at the bottle in my hands. It's straight from the bottle for me.

I plop my feet on the coffee table. She's not here to tell me off for doing this. "Fuck her," I whisper, my voice hoarse from my lack of use. I find myself speaking less and less these days. I have nothing to talk about. Even if Korsak disagrees and thinks we should talk about feelings. I'm done talking about feelings. It's bad enough that they choke me, suffocate me. I don't need to also talk about them.

November 15th, 2010

We are on her bed, naked and satiated. We spent all morning making love. It was our day off after a long and grueling case. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my time than with her, like this. I looked at her: her head on my shoulder, he leg thrown across my body and her fingers tracing patterns on my stomach. She was smiling. She looked perfect. She was perfect. "I love you," I confessed. Her ministrations stopped instantly. She lifted her head and stared at me. Her eyes were deep and intense.

I could see her thinking. I could feel her processing what I just said. I was close to a heart attack. Please say something; please tell me you love me back.

"I love you too."

We didn't leave the bed until dinner.

October 25th, 2011

I knew it was too good to be true. I knew these things don't last. No matter how long I sit here, holding the ring I bought for her, it will not bring her back. "Fuck love! Fuck her! Fuck Ian, and his fucking perfect body, and his accent, and his selflessness, and his impressive doctor title. Fuck them all!"

I get up from the couch and stumble to the kitchen. I walk to the sink and drop the goddamn ring down the drain. I flip the switch on the wall and hear as the garbage disposal destroys any reminder that there ever was any future to anything Maura and I had for the short time we were together.

"Fuck her."