It's every practical, cliché, heartfelt coming out story…
"I fell in love with my best friend."
How unbelievably odd that I can say that same thing and still keep my heterosexual identity intact.
Shuichi and I have known each other for six long, emotional, and, I admit, very weird years. Ever since middle school, if I cared to actually reminisce about the times we started "hanging out", and through all this time we've still remained generally tolerant of each other and dare I say, close.
From videogames and movies to synthesizers and guitars we've matured. I remember starting out Bad Luck. From our garage gigs and disastrous TV appearances arranged by K, to our contract signing with NG…
From two high school band freaks crashing our graduating class' talent show to sold out shows at Zepp clubs all around Japan. It's wild.
From our high-school gay play to my dating his boyfriend's ex-fiancée.
I remember once in high school Shu turned to me and said, "Man, you're so cool, why couldn't I fall in love with you instead?" to which, I replied, "Get a sex change, then maybe I'd consider it…"
And for some reason, I could probably say that still today if perhaps we were still as much in love now as we were then… The passage of time is cruel is it not?
I guess all this realization hit me with the advent of his tumultuous meeting and following relationship with Yuki-san. The man is terrible for Shuichi. Anyway, that's when I realized how constant my emotions had been throughout our relationship. How constant my love and, I admit, physical desire had been…
Not to say I wanted to have sex with Shuichi… the thought of having sex with another man doesn't scare or disgust me on a violent level but it doesn't appeal to me either. But the closeness…
When I remember, it makes my heart rush and my body ache for what I could've done so I didn't have so many physical and emotional loose ends as far as loving Shuichi goes.
Or having loved Shuichi, I'm not sure which it is.
I guess that's what's known as regret?
Anyway... the closeness...
It's such a strong feeling, a desire that for some reason I could never act on.
The times we'd gay play for instance... We used that comfort in our relationship to get in and out of so much shit. For example, when we were in high school when we had to excite some younger student council girls just so we could get into the school talent show.
And honestly, that's all it was at first... just play. But then we'd carry on and on, then it would begin to ache. The pull to turn my head a little more so I could brush my mouth against his neck. The pull to close the few inches of space between our lips so I could... you know. The pull to close space between our bodies when we'd stand or lay close to one another whether it was in public or we were by ourselves.
Little things like that... things that a simple friendship couldn't explain, but a full blown romantic desire couldn't identify either. It was like playing with fire... It felt like playing with fire.
And my inaction? My disregard for our feelings?
Maybe it was the fact that we were friends so I felt like I couldn't act. You know, the whole, "We like each other but can't ruin the friendship" thing? Maybe it was my continued romantic pursuit of girls that turned him away... Maybe my utter dislike of the idea of gay sex, maybe destiny?
No, destiny is a stupid idea. I'm a realist... let's not get carried away.
Anyway...
And it was no secret either, that we were fond of each other at least on some level, and we both were well aware of the fact.
"Just friends" don't hold hands or sit as close as we did or, as gay as it sounds, cuddle. "Just friends" don't spend every single moment together or get so close to the edge and then back away... "Just friends" don't talk through the night and say things only they could share with one another, but then again...
I suppose they do.
I keep rethinking it, even now that we've found our respective partners. Or, he's found his "husband" and I'm pretty serious about Ayaka. I'm in love with her... so much like I was with Shuichi but still not the same.
And, the truth is, while I occasionally get the urge to be intimate with Shuichi as we were before, much of that desire has more or less died.
I feel no ill will really... No sting of sadness, no jealousy... Well, maybe a little jealousy, but no anger.
I don't desire him except for rare occasions. I don't spend as much time with him anymore but I still do care for him deeply... Just not as deeply. Not to be depressing, but I don't.
I feel he's changed so much and yet, so have I. We're taking our separate ways I guess. It's a sign of maturing in our relationship, the inevitable separation as "childhood" whims give way to our adult needs and responsibilities.
Either way, I guess all we have now is all we'll ever need.
We'll always understand each other on that deeper level, we'll always stay up late and talk late like teenaged girls, we'll always play music together.
Always. We'll always have our music. Just the two of us.
We'll always have the music.