Author's notes: Hiya! This topic has been floating around in my head since BEFORE season 5 ended. I have always wanted to read a fic where Merlin feels like he can't tell Arthur his secret, even though Arthur is legalizing magic, because he feels like he has waited waaaaay to long to tel him. And no one (that I've found) has written it this way. If you know of any, PLEASE tell me. This one is a work in progress and I have no idea when I will publish next, but I will, because I am still spinning things around in my mind. I have no idea how long it will be. And I plan on it being an eventual Merthur fic, but if I can't figure out a way to tie it in logically and perfectly, it won't happen, so just read between the lines for the sexual tension and look into your crystal balls for the future smut that will happen, even if I don't write it, because we all know it will happen (the smut, not me writing it). So please, let me know if you like how it is playing out, and if you have any idea.
Arthur asked Merlin to meet him back in his chambers when he finished with his duties. Merlin didn't think anything of, because after the three years of Arthur being king, everyone had pretty much gotten over the fact the Merlin will always be Arthur's most trusted confidant. Matters concerning the kingdom or even Arthur's personal life seemed to go through Merlin. Of course Arthur would say that he was just using Merlin as a sounding board, but he and Merlin both knew that he valued Merlin's opinions and suggestions, no matter how idiotic some are bound to be.
Merlin arrived in Arthur's chambers well after everyone else had gone to bed. He brought pitcher of wine and two goblets, because, let's face it, of course Merlin was also going to be drinking some. Surprisingly, Arthur still had not arrived even though it had to be at least eleven. Arthur's list of duties seemed to be multiplying recently, Merlin pondered. He was spending more and more time confined in the library with only Geoffrey for company, piling on more chores for Merlin so that he was not able to help Arthur with whatever he was researching.
Merlin sat down in one of the padded armchairs at the table and placed his feet upon its surface. Scooting down in the seat to a more comfortable, reclined position, Merlin's eyes slipped closed involuntarily. Merlin promised himself that he was only dozing and would wake as Arthur opened his bedroom door.
No such luck. Arthur threw his doors open, spotted Merlin sleeping in a chair with his feet propped on the table. He slammed the door shut, thinking it would rouse the lazy bastard, but surprisingly, Merlin remained asleep. Arthur looked around his room and spotted an empty decorative metal bowl, and a spoon left from lunch. Grabbing one in each hand, Arthur approached Merlin's recumbent form, raised the bowl to Merlin's ear, and slammed the spoon against the metal surface.
Merlin woke with a jolt, almost toppling out of the chair, only barely managing to right himself before falling face-first into Arthur. "What was that for?" Merlin cried indignantly.
"I asked you to be here because I have something pressing to discuss; something that will affect to whole kingdom. I did not ask you here to join me for naptime, Merlin," Arthur drawled out the first syllable of Merlin's name, tauntingly.
"I wasn't napping!" Arthur raised an eyebrow. "I was waiting for you, like good little manservant, with my eyes closed."
"Right. Anyways, I have asked you to meet me here because I have been thinking about something for quite sometime. And it's been weighing on me and I have finally taken some steps to better understand what it is so that I can do something about it-"
Merlin could see that Arthur was starting to ramble, which made him sit a little taller. When Arthur rambled, the issue was either embarrassing, or going to be very difficult. "Arthur! What is it" Merlin asked to snap Arthur out of his seemingly endless introduction.
Arthur cleared his throat. "Well, ah. Yes, well, I've decided that I am going to begin legalizing magic. I have felt that in light of recent events, that the kingdom could greatly benefit from sorcerers being on our side, and-"
Merlin's stomach dropped, and he tuned out the rest of Arthur's speech. His ears started to ring, and his mouth became so dry that he couldn't swallow, even though he tried several times. Merlin blinked rapidly, trying to put his focus back on what Arthur was trying so desperately trying to tell him, so desperately that Merlin could tell he was beginning to ramble again even if he couldn't hear the words.
Arthur wanted to make magic legal? After everything his father fought against? After what happened to his mother? To Morgana? Merlin couldn't believe it. He had always known that Arthur was a good man and a terrific king, but he always thought that he would have to reveal himself and convince Arthur not to cut his head off before he would even consider legalizing the one thing that had taken away his entire family.
Merlin should be happy, right? He should feel this great sense of relief wash over him. Like a huge burden had been taken off his shoulders. That he did not have to hide who he was anymore. That he should be free to show Arthur, the person he loves and respects most in this world who he truly is, and not feel ashamed about it. Because magic can be so beautiful. Merlin is magic. Magic has been woven into his genetic fabric. Being the 'magic' to Arthur's 'courage' (and Gwaine's 'strength', but he's not here right now). Merlin should feel like leaping for joy, hugging Arthur so tight to thank him for his sacrifices, and confide in all that he has done for Arthur and Camelot.
So why did he feel like his world was falling apart? That he could feel his friendship with Arthur already shattering? Why did he feel like the worst person to ever live? Why did he feel like he was betraying Arthur more by being a secret warlock on Arthur's side, willing to do anything and everything for him, and Morgana, who used her magic to try to kill Arthur multiple time and tear the kingdom apart? Why did Merlin want to run away to his room, and under his threadbare blanket on his uncomfortable bed, and never leave for an eternity?
Arthur snapped his fingers in Merlin's face. "Merlin! Heeellllllloooooo! Earth to Merlin!"
Merlin awoke from his trance to see Arthur a foot in front of him with an annoyed expression hiding his slightly concerned look. Whether the concern was for Merlin or not, he did not know. But then it became clear when the concern showed through more over the annoyance and Arthur asked, a bit crestfallen, "It's stupid isn't it? Of course it is! No one-"
"Arthur, no! No it's not stupid by any means. It's a great idea, really," Merlin comforted Arthur. Because it really was a great idea. Magic should be legal. Just because Merlin felt like he screwed everything up, didn't mean that other good sorcerers and witches shouldn't get their chance to protect their kingdom.
"Right, yeah… of course it is. It is good, right? It will help a lot of people. I've read about spells that farmers could use to…"
As Arthur continued to tell Merlin things he already knew, Merlin sat back in his chair and watched Arthur talk so passionately and felt as his heart started to fall to pieces.