Title: Awareness
Author: dealiberty
Pairing: Alexander/Hephaistion, Alexander/Roxane
Rating: PG
A/N: CONTAINS SPOILERS. I've finally caved. My first, in what's likely to be many, Alexander ficlet. Set post-movie. Addressed to Roxane.

You never asked for Hephaistion's death. But you can't say you mourned him either.

You never really liked him from the start, from the moment you laid eyes on him, standing at Alexander's side, eyes soft, laughing and joking with the man you intended to claim.

That's not surprising, you're told, because all who love Alexander hate Hephaistion for the place he holds in Alexander's heart, for the way he knows Alexander like no other, for the part of Alexander that he - and only he - can bring out.

His mother despised Hephaistion, condemned Alexander's affections for him, jealous of the love Alexander bestowed upon the nobleman's son. The love of a mother, she believed, should have been the strongest.

And yet, she could not doubt the strength of Hephaistion's love for her Alexander.

The other soldiers and officers disliked Hephaistion for the favour Alexander granted him. No, Alexander was never unfair in judgement because Hephaistion had never had to be judged, but for the way Alexander listened to the other man, the knowledge that Alexander would give him the world if he were only to ask. But Hephaistion never asked - for anything - except the Prince's, then King's, affections, but then again, he hadn't asked for that either; you're told he never even knew his worth. In his place, the other officers would have searched for power, used Alexander, manipulated him to get what they wanted. But Hephaistion didn't. He never used the power the others so desperately wanted. The only power he enjoyed over Alexander was the power to bring out that part of Alexander no one ever knew.

Not even you.

You hated Hephaistion most, resented him, when you'd caught sight of them together - Alexander and Hephaistion - embracing one another, tears in both eyes on your wedding night. You hated him then because, even though you wouldn't realise until later, you knew that Hephaistion had a part of Alexander you would never be able to lay claim to. And you were never really one for sharing.

You'd questioned Alexander then, asked if he loved Hephaistion, and he'd simply answered "he is Hephaistion" as if it explained everything.

You never asked again.

Because, you suppose now, it did answer everything.

Alexander had told you then, and reminded you time and time again, whenever angry jealousy reared itself in your eyes, that his life was yours now. But you'd never really believe him. Yes, he'd given you his body, his mind - and he'd have liked to think he'd given you everything.

But you know.

He never gave you his heart - he couldn't if he tried - because a heart cannot be given away twice, and a heart cannot have two owners.

Until his dying day, Alexander's heart would beat for Hephaistion alone.

And you resent him for that - you resent them both.

You could have lived with seeing Hephaistion's shadow in Alexander's eyes; you could have lived with feeling Hephaistion's marks on Alexander's body; you could have lived with Hephaistion's memories living in Alexander.

You could have. But you didn't. You never had the chance.

Because Alexander kept his vow. And he never touched you again.

You never wished for Hephaistion's death because his death cost you Alexander.

And you mourn Alexander.