April Fool's Day. Also known as April Sid's Day. Why? Because Sid is a foo. I'm sorry- -a fool. That was a typo. I apologize for the inconvenience.
So Sid is a fool. At least, that is what his herd makes of him. But the question is...should we listen to a herd that consists of three mammoths, two possums, one sabre-toothed cat, and a partridge in a pear tree? I mean, is that even legit? Yes, because I say we have more than enough footage of Sid being just dumb, thanks to the handy Blue Sky Studios stalker cameramen. Thanks, guys!
(Jerry and Hank: "No problem, kids!")
So we've seen Sid acting quite stupid a number of times. And that number is approximately 47 and a half. Approximately...though it's probably a lot more. We have thousands of witnesses all over the world except the Indian Ocean and Antarctica to agree with moi. Including YOU. How could we forget the time when Sid stepped in some stinky Glyptodon poop in the first movie? Or when he dove head-first onto some ice in the second? Or when he purposely got rid of Sylvia in the deleted scenes? Oh my, what an angel she was. *insert sarcasm here*
Remember that herd I was mentioning about 34 seconds ago? Well, I invited them here so that they can tell us all about the embarrassment-to-nature boy known as Sid del Slotho. (That's my version of Sid the Sloth in Spanish, since I am obviously not bilingual.) First up is...
HA! For those of you who know me, you thought I was going to say Diego! *troll face* Well, not today...Today, first up is Manny, because Diego is running a little late...Oh well. Manny the Moody Mammoth, everybody!
Manny: "Hey, yeah, um...it's great to be here...I guess. So since the person typing this is too lazy to put in actual dialogue, I guess I am just going to tell you about my incredibly annoying and smelly...uh, friend. Well, I have to agree that it is fair to change April Fool's Day to April Sid's Day, mostly because 'fool' and 'Sid' are synonyms. I mean, Jerry and Hank have captured hours of footage of Sid just being a moron, so you all can agree, right? Here, to prove my point, how about I mention things that have happened in the time before now while you, the reader, read. So one day I was just standing...alone...on the top of a cliff...when this sloth, coming from out of nowhere, runs into my leg. I mean, I'm a mammoth, who is apparently fat; he should've seen me coming. And he was being chased by two angry rhinos. I was confused at the time, but then I asked him about it later. And guess what he told me:
'Why were those rhinos so angry with me? Oh, well, I stepped in something, and I was wiping it off on the ground, right? Well, next thing I know, I see a dandelion, obviously unguarded. Starved, I pick it up and eat it, right? So I'm chewing and chewing...and chewing...and suddenly, I begin to think, this tastes like scrambled eggs. So naturally when you eat scrambled eggs, you want some mushrooms to go with it, right? But...problem was...there wasn't 'mush room' in my stomach for even one bite of that disgusting fungi. Oh quit your moaning, I don't care how bad that was. Well anyway, since I was full, I decided to get some exercise in so that I could use up more energy thus making me hungry once again. So I'm jogging...and jogging...and I happen to pass this buffalo.
'And suddenly I'm hungry again. I couldn't help but notice this dandelion 'planted' nearby. (Stop moaning! I could be a stand-up comedian someday!) So I walk over all innocently, pick it up, and I was about to eat it when the buffalo snorted angrily. 'That's my dandelion,' he said. And I was like...
Tehehe, you forgot Manny was talking. Now quick, rush to your refrigerator! Your pet troll is about to eat your corn on the cob!
...What is a cob, anyway? Cobweb, I know, but corn on the cob? Does that mean corn on the cobweb? Now I'll think I'll be eating spiders and dried-up flies when I eat corn. (Sorry for talking about this completely random topic if you are in the middle of eating those small, yellow kernels.) P.S. Diego finally got here! Followed by...Shira?
Shira, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the fourth movie, not in the boring period of time between the third and said movie! Diego, why did you drag her here? That is an unauthorized spoiler alert!
Diego: "Sorry, I can't get her to leave me alone! She keeps sayin', 'Will you marry me?'"
Shira: "But you are such a hawt chili bean!"
(What does that even mean?)
Diego: "I can't marry you." *Romantic French music plays*
Shira: "Why not?"
Diego: "I...I just can't!"
Shira: "Tell me why."
Diego: "I-I can't..."
Shira: "Tell me now! Why can't you stay with me; love me forever; be the one who buys me flowers on every mildly important holiday?"
*Ellie, who is watching the movie with the rest of the herd, grabs a Puffs Plus Lotion tissue and dabs her eye softly at the drama*
Diego: "It's...It's too hard..."
Shira: "What is too hard? I must know, my dear."
Diego: "...I can't marry you because...because of...your fur." *music stops*
Shira: "M-My...fur? Oh, way to ruin a romantic moment, Romeo! Thanks a lot! This is going to be on my resume, and it's all your fault! Now I'll never be selected to be the main character in Legally Grey!"
Diego: "Well, what am I supposed to do? Look at the script, I'm just following the script! Go nag the person typing this, she is the one responsible for this! She is the one responsible for this whole pointless fanfiction!"
YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR IS A MARTIAN AND IS PLANNING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! YOU MUST STOP IT BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE! THE FATE OF THE WORLD IS IN YOUR FEET.
Pencil.
Just then, Crash and Eddie stormed into the room, an angry hawk soaring madly above their tiny, frantic figures. It let out a horrifying shriek, further coaching the two possums to run even faster. Their legs burning, their paws aching, they forced themselves to keep going. Their breaths were coming out as gasps, and their tiny lungs felt as if they were on fire. Never before had these two brothers experienced such panic, such danger- -but they would not give up, even as the hawk's shadow loomed slowly over theirs, concealing the two figures in darkness as they tried to frantically make it out into the light. But the hawk would not slow down. Crash and Eddie could each feel themselves weakening with exhaustion with each swift step they took, and they knew that it was just a matter of time before the hawk was upon them. Predator on top of prey. They couldn't keep running forever, but there were no trees or shelters in sight. Nowhere to hide. As they ran, they could see the hawk's shadow slowly move in front of them. They weren't running fast enough. Before the two possums knew it, the hawk swiftly landed in front of them, touching down on the ground with hooked, sharp talons. Crash and Eddie skidded to a stop, halting only inches away from the bird's claws. Panting heavily, they both slowly looked up to the giant carnivore in fright, both not being able to help notice the sharpness of its beak. Crash and Eddie ended up looking the hawk in the eye. Beautiful, golden, and fiery orbs stared back at them, fully intent on selling the two possums each a calculator.
dID YOU KNOW THAT "HA" IS "LEAF" IN jAPANESE? sO WHEN YOU'RE SAYING "hA hA hA" TO A jAPANESE PERSON, YOU ARE REALLY SAYING "LEAF LEAF LEAF".
Merry April Sid's Day, everybody. Now, to make up for this pointlessness, this next chapter includes a real, well-written story involving Diego, of course, and a very special someone. :)
Not Shira, though. I know that was what you devious minds were thinking of.