Coruscant.
A lively planet both at day and at night.
...After there was no more Sith on it, of course.
It was a wonderful evening for those who were living there.
Everyone was getting to bed to join the city of dreams.
Everything was wonderful.
Unless you are at Revan's home.
Unless you are in a particular room with a Republic admiral, a Mandalorian, an assassin droid, and Revan's child.
Besides that, everything was fine... really... fine...
...
"Once upon a time..." started the Republic admiral Carth Onasi.
"That's lame Onasi. Can't you be more original? Trust a former republic soldier to come up with something original is like trusting HK-47 with a blaster and stay alive afterward." said Canderous Ordo the Mandalorian.
"Observation: Yes, the Mandalorian meatbag has a good point. Query: Is that the reason why I am the only one who hasn't been properly equipped?" replied and asked HK-47 the assassin droid.
"Shut up." Carth Onasi glared at Canderous and HK-47. "Oh, so you both think you can do better?"
"Of course I can."
"Statement: Obviously."
"Hell no, I'm the one here who will tell him a damn sto-"
"Uncle Carth..."
The young son of Revan and Bastila, Anakin Shan (named after his grandfather, Bastila's Father), was waiting for his bedtime story with a certain degree of impatience.
Suddenly Carth just remembered that Bastila would be upset if he or another one cursed around her son or made him cry.
And an upset Bastila mean... Well...A lot of blood with a broken nose, carving trips and lightsaber in the ass.
Oh, it wasn't that he was scared of her or something.
What kind of a man would be afraid of a woman?
Especially a woman who can use the force...
...Who has a great temper...
...And who has fallen to the dark side, once.
That... would be rather... Unpleasant.
In the deep of his mind, he remembered that time on Tatooine when Bastila wanted to leave the poor mercenary in the desert, alone, without water, starve to death just because he, somehow, 'insulted' her.
... Maybe it would be better if he watched his language a bit. At least for tonight while he was with the little brat.
Oh, don't get him wrong, Carth liked Anakin, and not only because he was the son of the hero of the galaxy.
He was really innocent for a 5 years old, he has brown hair like his mother and the silver eyes of his father.
Revan...The man who taught him how to trust again.
Before he could think furthermore, Carth felt a tug on his arm.
"Yeah, yeah, I know my boy I'm sorry, let's start from the beginning."
Anakin nodded and waited for the story.
"How about I start the story this time?" asked Canderous with a small grin on his face.
"You? what could you possibly tell..." replied an annoyed Carth.
"Something better than what your little brain could make. Beside it's my turn."
"Fine...Have it your way...Just don't cry if your story suck..."
Canderous decided to ignore Carth and tell his story.
"Once upon a time..." Canderous began.
"-Cough- Copy cat -cough-..."
"ONASI!" shouted the angry Mandalorian.
"Okay okay, I will keep my mouth shut."
"Statement: More than once would be appreciated." Said HK-47
Canderous glared at the annoying admiral and offensive assassin droid before he continued.
"One day, while my great-grandfather Sherruk-"
"Sherruk? That strong Mandalorian bandit we fought on dantooine?" Asked Carth.
"Query: You killed a strong Mandalorian bandit? ! Aren't you ashamed of yourself? ! Couldn't you wait until I was recruited? No, of course not...You would just take all the fun for yourself."
"Well...uhm...If it's any consolation, he did attack us right away so we didn't had much choice." explained Carth
"Statement: Then you are forgiven Onasi-meatbag."
"No, it's another Sherruk...So As I was saying, BEFORE being interrupt... One day, while my great-grandfather Sherruk was taking his annual bath, someone stole his clothes."
Before Canderous could continue his story, he was rudely interrupted ...AGAIN... by two horrified Carth and HK-47.
"An annual bath? That's gross!"
"Horrified query: An annual bath? That is disgusting!"
Canderous twitched. He decided to proceed calmly for the sake of Revan's son.
"I haven't finished yet."
"That is why I'm worried." murmured Carth.
Canderous ignored the annoying Admiral.
"Well, as he hasn't found the culprit, he avenged himself."
HK-47 wasn't any better as he said sarcastically, "It's very interesting."
Canderous twitched even more.
"Will you just shut up and let me finish the damn story?"
"Just hurry up with it." said Carth.
Canderous ignored him and continue his story.
"He has dug into the stockroom and he made underpants of iron !"
Silence...
"Statement: Your joke is as empty as the void between your ears...'" said HK-47.
Canderous lost count of how many times he twitched.
Before he could strangle the assassin droid, Carth said :
"Never mind... So these... underpants… what about them?"
Carth put one hand on his face. I can't believe I said that.
"Well, finally they gave him the name 'Sherruk Bright-Ass!' Hehehe hehehehe hahaha...hem 'cough' "
Silence...
More silence...
Worse than silence...
Carth had to ask, even if it endangered his life doing so.
"Is... this... Mandalorian humor?"
Canderous, rather proud of his story, said, "Oh yeah it's a famous Mandalorian story !"
Carth gathered all his courage and diplomacy to try the impossible: Not Angering Canderous by saying that his story was... not funny.
Miracle tried.
"Honestly... it's...really... What we mean to say...is..."
"Statement: This was the worst story I ever heard, even droids know better ones." HK-47 declared.
Miracle failed.
"Thanks a lot HK."
"Answer: My pleasure, I always try to help." HK-47 beamed.
Canderous was very angry. No, angry was a word too small to describe his wrath.
"What the hell do you mean 'worst story' ? You son of a-"
"Shut up!" Carth yelled. "You're scaring Anakin."
The three of them looked at young lad, who was on the verge of tears.
This wasn't good, if Anakin was upset and Bastila knew about it...
It would mean only one thing.
The gallows!
Of course, not before being tortured slowly with her lightsaber and force lightning.
If young Anakin Shan's vision wasn't blurry because of his tears, he would have seen Carth shaking, white face and murmuring something like, "We are dead, we are so dead...'
"No, no, no, please don't cry Anakin! Whatever you do, don't cry." pleaded a panicking Carth.
"Ha ! I didn't know that You were so scared of a Jedi whore and-" Before Canderous could continue, Carth put quickly his hand over Canderous's mouth.
Unfortunately, it was too late! The question had to be asked.
"Uncle Canderous... What's a whore?"
Carth had only one thought.
Damn it!
They had to think quickly of a way to answer the question without upsetting Anakin nor breaking his innocence yet. And hope that Bastila wouldn't hear any of it.
Canderous was the first to speak.
"What I mean to say is... Well... your uncle Carth was raised because of the fear of the WAR."
Carth continued the little lie.
"Yeah that right! Like your father - he became the hero of the galaxy because of the war against the true Sith Lords."
"And he has grown mature because of it." said Canderous.
HK was being a bit confused "Query: What are you talking about? It mean-..."
"Shut up !" Said Carth in a slow treating voice.
Anakin looked at his three "uncles," a bit confused.
"So... Daddy became a man... because of a whore?"
"YES ! Clever boy." Carth grinned, patting the head of the young boy.
And his worst mistake would have been to think that he said "war" instead of "whore."
Anakin giggled and smiled.
"I-I want to be a man too,.. Like Daddy and Uncle Carth and Canderous !"
"Cute!" Carth beamed.
"Carth? A man?" mocked Canderous.
"False Confusion: But...I thought he was female? Mockery: I have to say, every meatbags are very alike."
Carth ignored them. "Hey, how about we all go to Alderaan, to the beach tomorrow with Revan and show Anakin how to be a man?"
"Observation: An excellent proposition coming from a meatbag. I will show him how to-"
"No way! I will teach him how to use a blaster rifles. You can't be a man if you can't use a blaster rifles!"
"I will show him how to use double blasters !"
They continued on and on about who would teach what to Anakin.
However, they weren't aware about another mistake they had made.
Anakin was looking at his three uncles and muttered to himself.
"... B-Bitch?"
...
"BITCH!" He giggled.
The three looked at him, and the three of them were horrified.
No...
****ing...
Way...
This time, Bastila was pleased with her guests. They didn't do anything to upset her son (she heard him giggling), they didn't do anything that could break the Apartment – like last time...
After the last incident in her home, she had warned them that if any of them showed up again, she would not hesitate to obliterate their offending presence with her double bladed yellow lightsaber.
But they liked Anakin very much and he liked them too. So she forgave them... for now.
The three uncles were about to leave, when a small sleepy voice came from behind them.
"Mommy..."
Immediately Anakin was in his mother's arms. He giggled when she muttered soft, sweet things in his ears.
"Aww..." said Carth.
"Touching." said Canderous.
"Explanation: It's a trap to lure to what the Jedi call 'the dark side'." said HK-47.
Bastila didn't seems to have heard any of the three comment...or maybe she was ignoring them.
"What is it, love? Why aren't you sleeping? It's past midnight."
Anakin looked up at his mother and grinned.
"You know Mommy..."
Carth was getting nervous. "Maybe... we should... go...away."
"As a meatbag would say: I have a bad feeling about this too." agreed HK-47.
"Let's get out of here!" said Canderous.
But before they could get to the door...
"Uncle Canderous, Carth and HK said that Daddy grew into a man because of whores and they will bring me to a bitch tomorrow on Alderaan to make me a man too. Isn't it great?" beamed the young boy.
Silence.
More silence.
Worse than silence.
...Okay now this is getting ridiculous.
Bastila didn't said anything.
Maybe there was still hope in living after all.
So they thought... Until they saw her eyes.
Those eyes said only one thing: MURDER!...But not any murder...BASTILA MURDER!
...
It is said that their bodies were never found and that they were defeated by something worse than any Sith Lord and the dark side... An angry housewife Jedi.
Their screams would haunt the planet Coruscant forever.
...
"Dare I ask what happened here?" asked a rather confused Revan upon discovering a crying Carth, a deactivated and in piece HK-47, and a beaten Canderous outside his apartment.
"No... You don't..." replied Carth and Canderous.
END.