Once upon a time there was a magical wizard named God (although often referred to as He, He should not be confused with He Pingping the world's shortest man). This beautiful hermaphrodite wizard was very lonely, horny, and bored because He was the only thing in the universe. So He / She decided to create a utopian society with his vast and infinite power.
On the first day He created homosexuality and He saw that it was good. On the second day He created polygamy and He saw that it was good as well. On the third day He created pornography and He saw that it was good. On the fourth day He created abortion and He saw that it was good. On the fifth day He created an army of spirits and angels and guess what He saw that it was good big frigging surprise.
On the sixth day He created man to enjoy these wonderful gifts He had made. However, He was all out of pixie dust for his wand so He had to use His own bodily excrement. White people were made from His Holy dried cum. Black people were made from His Holy shit. People of other nationalities were made from different combinations of saliva, fecal matter, seamen, and pussy juice. (Eskimos for example were made from a piece of shit stuck in the refrigerator.) You might think that this makes the bible incredibly racist but in fact God wanted shit people and cum people to live together as equals. Due to translation errors from Jewish to Arabic to Sanskrit to Chinese to Japanese to Russian to Celtic to English, most Christians believe that shit people were actually cum people who lived and acted as apes and who competed for a mate by seeing who could fling the most disgusting piece of ass mud at the competing male and desired female and that eventually the runny shit that they produced due to an all berry diet covered their entire bodies and were shunned by God and sent to be the cum peoples slaves. However this is entirely false.
He was good. He was grand. He stood two and a half feet tall, could suck his own dick and He died at the age of 21. Did you think I was talking about God? No. I was talking about He Pingping. I told you not to get the two of them confused.
Anyway, on the seventh day, God chillaxed.
The first human that God created was named Adam. He was allowed to do anything except go near a single apple tree, for God did not want him finding His stash of child pornography and sex toys. Even though the Earth completely belonged to Adam, he was a whiny little bitch and wanted more. So God ripped of one of his ribs and took it to his genetic research lab to clone him a partner. Thus was born Eve, a near clone of Adam who had leaves for nipples.
But one day, one of Gods angels possessed the body of a lizard and told Eve to look in the trunk of the apple tree and low and behold she found Gods Hustler Barely Legal. God was so pissed off, he ripped off the lizards legs and it became a snake and all of its children and its children's children had no legs. (As any Christian scientist would tell you, when an organism loses a body part it becomes part of their genetic code.) God then got s pissed He cast the original sin unto all of mankind.
Adam then became aware that Eve's gargantuan hairy cock was a complete disgrace to mankind, for its pubic hair grew not at the base and sides of the penis like most men but all the way up the shaft and onto the tip. Adam ran to find an axe or a pair of scissors, but none were to be found. So, Adam tugged and pulled at Eve's permanently erect member. This was an incredibly painful experience for Eve and it was the first time she ever felt pain. Eventually, Adam got on top of Eve, put his feet on her pelvic bone and pulled up wards with all his might. Her penis was ripped off leaving nothing but a gaping hole that smelled like fish left in the sun for a day. Thus creating the first woman. Then Adam thrust his own cock into that hole to stop the bleeding, thus creating the first sex act.
Expect to learn more about the beliefs and traditions of Christians in future chapters.
If you were by any way offended by this, feel free to either shove a broken bottle up your ass or post a negative review.