Challenge: Big Sister/Little Sister competition, round 1.
Prompts: Little sister - cold; "Do you think anger is a sincere emotion or the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?" -Andrea Gibson; red.
"I'm pregnant."
The words wash over you, leaving you with a horrible feeling of guilt, resentment and the feeling that you have made the biggest mistake of your life. You do not smile like she is, you do not share her joy. Your face is carefully blank, empty. You watch her face fall but you do not care.
"How?" You ask, knowing you don't really make any sense but not caring. The temperature has dropped ten degrees and you shiver slightly, partly out of cold but partly out of anger. This was not part of your plan. It was not your plan to create a monster.
She bites her lip, sensing your anger. "How what?" You know she knows what you are referring to.
"How on earth are you pregnant? We were so careful. You must be mistaken. You can't be pregnant" Your voice is quiet, tense, laced with disbelief. The shame and guilt you feel at the possibility of your wife carrying a monster like you in her belly has turned into anger. Anger at yourself for letting this happen, anger at her for fighting tooth and nail to be with you, anger at Greyback for ruining you life, anger at the world for being so prejudiced against your kind.
She stared at you, shock evident on her face and in her voice. "How am I pregnant? Is that a joke, Remus? It takes two to make a baby you know. You aren't exactly innocent in all this. Don't you dare blame me for this. You know, most people would be overjoyed to find out that they were going to be a father." Her voice is scathing, you physically reel back at the hurt and the anger in her voice.
"Most people don't turn into savage beasts one a month, Nymphadora. Most people don't run the risk of passing their condition onto their unborn child. Most people haven't made a woman and outcast by marrying her. Don't you understand? People like me shouldn't reproduce, we shouldn't marry. I made the biggest mistake in marrying you. You are an outcast now because of me, not even your parents approve of you marrying a monster and now to think I might have passed it on to this child? This innocent child that deserves a full and happy life? The child deserves proper man to be its father, not a werewolf with nothing to his name but the clothes on his back. I am too old, and too dangerous and too poor. You are both better off without me, Dora. You both deserve better. I should never have ruined your life like this."
Your heart is breaking, you know that you are only yelling and getting angry at her because of the pain this is causing you. To think that you might make this child a monster is an unforgivable sin. You squeeze back tears as you yell, willing her to understand that it is because you love her that you know she and the child would be better off without you. You allow your anger to take over because being angry is much easier than facing your pain.
"Is that what you think?" She whispers dangerously. "Do you honestly believe that I can live without you? Do you think that this child will be happy to grow up knowing it's father wasn't around because he was scared? Because he was stupid, and blinded by his bitterness? Do you think I though marrying you would be easy, that it would be normal? I wasn't stupid, Remus. I chased after you, I asked you to marry me, not the other way around. I knew exactly what I was getting into. But if you want to throw all of this away because you think you're being noble and selfless and doing the right thing then you are a bigger idiot than I thought."
Her words drip with venom, like you to disguise the pain she is most likely feeling. You feel guilty but you know this is for the best. People like you don't deserve the kind of happiness a family can bring.
"Don't you understand? Don't you see?" You whisper hoarsely, you are pleading with her, you need her to understand. "I'm a monster, Dora. I'm dangerous and you can be safe if I'm not here. Don't you see what I've done? I might have just cursed an innocent child the same way I was cursed. I am a monster, destroying every beautiful thing I touch and just causing unnecessary pain! I have to leave, Dora. You'll see soon that I was right. You'll see. How much better life would be without me. I have to leave. I'm doing this because I love you, it's the right thing."
Your voice is rising, your heart breaking with every word.
She just stands there, disgust and betrayal clear on her face. Her hands rest on her flat belly. The room is so cold now now, the tension is like an icicle stabbing into your heart with every second that passes. Dora's hair has turned red, you know that is a bad sign. It means that she is angry and hurt enough that she unconsciously morphs, which rarely happens. You squeeze your eyes shut and try to ignore the tears running down her face. You cannot back down now. It is for the best, you tell yourself over and over and over again. You honestly believe that it is for the best. You stand up and start making your way to the door, not looking back because if you do your heart will break even more.
"I honestly cannot believe that you would abandon us. What if this kid is a werewolf? What then? Don't you think it would need its father who is also a werewolf, not a monster, to guide it? To help it understand that it is still a human and that it isn't worthless or a monster or any of those stupid self deprecating thoughts you have in your head! The child needs you, Remus and I need you so please just stay. If you don't want the kid, Remus, then you don't want me because we're a package deal and I know you think you're a monster and that you've ruined my life but you haven't!" The passion and honesty in her voice is undeniable.
"I love you, Remus but please think about what you are doing! You aren't some selfless hero! You leaving is just you being a coward because you are too scared to face reality." She pauses, her voice has risen just like yours did and it's near its breaking point. Her hair has changed from red to mousey brown. "What sort of Gryffindor are you?" She whispers finally as you take one more step and you are out the door.
"I'm sorry," you whisper to the wind as you leave your house. It is for the best.
You go to Grimmauld Place, surely Harry and Hermione and Ron would appreciate the help, you as an experienced Wizard, can give them?
You have never been more wrong, it takes Harry, a seventeen year old orphan, calling you out on your cowardice for you to realise that parents should never abandon their kids unless they have to, and that your stupid, irrational, ridiculous reasons do not count as 'have to.'
You struggle for a few moments, your guilt and fear about passing on your condition and making your wife and unborn child outcasts verses the rational truth and your love for your wife. You are scared and embarrassed, but you learn you would rather slink home with your tail between your legs and face the wrath of a hurt and angry Dora than have to live the rest of your life in shame knowing that you abandoned them when they needed you most.
It is as if a veil has been lifted, suddenly you need to be at home, you need to be there to make sure Dora is safe and that the child is safe. You need to be there to help her cope and help the child cope if you really did pass on your condition. Cheeks red with shame you leave the park where you had gone to think things through and you apparate home.
Standing outside the door to your house you hear soft sobs coming from inside and you close your eyes and lean against the door, cursing your idiotic-ness. Part of you, the coward, wants to flee because you know you might have just lost the only good thing you ever had in your life, ruined your chances at having a family to love and who in turn would love you. Her last words to you, however, still sting.
What kind of Gryffindor are you?
What would James think of you? James who had died protecting his wife and son, James who would never have abandoned Lily for the world, James whose loyalty never wavered. James never got the chance to see his son grow up, and here you are throwing away what he had been denied. Your resolve strengthens, your son or daughter will not grow up without a father the same way Harry did if you can help it. Your shame grows, your cheeks get redder but suddenly the world seems less cold, your anger has faded and all that's left is the pain you know you have caused your wife, the pain and guilt you will continue to feel until you are sure this child is not a werewolf like you are. You take a deep breath, and you walk through the door with your head held high and regret in your eyes.
You will make this right. You survived the first Wizarding War, you survive your monthly transformations, surely you can survive an angry wife? Right?
You walk into the room, you expect her to yell and hate you, to tell you to leave and never come back - for who wants a coward for a husband? For a father?
But she doesn't. Instead she looks at you, her eyes are full of emotions - there is anger, there is hurt but there is also relief.
You stand where you are, your face is unguarded showing every ounce of remorse and shame and guilt that you feel.
"I'm sorry," you say simply, you want to say more but you find the words don't come. Instead you step closer, so you are barely a foot away from her.
She looks you right in the eyes, searching your face - for what you do not know. Then she smiles, a small smile but it is a smile, and her mousey brown hair turns slightly pink at the edges. Tentatively she comes closer and closer, as if she is expecting you to run. You do not move, except to open your arms. In a flash she enters them, her arms winding around your neck and yours around her waist, so tightly neither of you could leave even if you wanted to.
"Remus John Lupin, if you ever leave me because of some stupid insecurity again I swear I will hunt you down and bang your head against the nearest wall until you finally see sense. Then I'll castrate you," she murmurs fiercely against the crook of your neck where her head lay.
"Understood," you chuckle. "I don't plan on leaving you again, though. Honestly I came home expecting you to yell and throw me out on the street for what I did."
"Don't tempt me," was her only response.
You smile and laugh again. How on earth did I think I could leave this behind? You wonder silently. Never again. You won't abandon them again, despite the fact that they deserve better, she picked you out of all the good and whole men she could have had, she picked you. And you aren't going to take that lightly ever again.