A real life
Disclaimer: not mine ... if it was, be sure sam and Jack would be together !
Author's note : hey folks this is my first english fic .. I usually write french one, please don't be too hard on me. ;) I'd like to thank every author of this site 'cause I have so much fun spending my nights here, thank you every one !
I love him. If there's one thing I'm sur of, is that I, Major Samatha Carter, am in love with the Colonel Jack O'Neill. But I also know that I'm not. Women are said to be complex, I think that's a true statement.
I know it was an hallicination, due to my concussion, but it felt so real, his eyes, his smile, his smell ... Anyway, real or not, what he said was true. I love him for wrong reasons.
I mean, he's perfect, he gives me what I need, hope, comfort, illusion of happiness. But I fooled myself ! what kind of love is this ? he made me realised it.
Love has always been a harsh experience for me, it always ended in tears and pain, but with him I could feel it was different, it was another level of relationship, made of respect, trust, that were not visible by the others, not even by us at the beggining, it was only exposed by looks, smiles, sweet touches, it was so soft, it couldn't hurt ! could it ?
But then I beggan to cry myself to sleep thinking about him, about us, about this 'love', about our futur ... And reality kicked in every time I woke up to make me realise that it was never gonna be possible ... so I returned to him, aware that I will never be able to feel his skin but satisfied that I knew it.
I've always been so good at this; returned reality in my own way ... dad used to tell this to me 'kid you live in another world' . He doesn't even know how much right he was... When my mother died, I created this inner world, I couldn't face reality, all those crying faces, all this pain, it was too much for me, so I just reach inside myself and imagine this place, sweet, safe, protected from the others ... it's a place where mom is still alive, where she sings all the time, where dad doesn't have to leave me so often, where I can't cry cause nobody but myself has access here to hurt me, it's a place where Jack and I can create a 'us' , we are happy together and I know I love him so much that I don't need anybody else.
And I think that I let this world get out of my head when I knoked myself out. ...this teal'c protector, daniel, so sheepish, as I love him, dad, understanding, patient, and Jack, open, sweet. In a way, I recognise them because I had created them.
I'm glad I could face them, it made me realised that I can't do this anymore, refuge in their arms, instead of the ones of my real friends. That's what they all told me .. live .. I have to stop hiding in this utopie of false comfort. I have to stop behaving like a coward and beggin to face my fears, people hurts, people cry, that's part of life .. the part that for me is just a huge hole.
I know who's Grace now ... I couldn't figured it out before because the rush of the situation didn't leave me room enough to think or maybe because I didn't want to find out who she really was .. it implied too much . I was surprised because I was sure I never created her, I never let her access my world, I didn't realise she was there from the beggining. She 's that part of me that was trapped in that world of my mine ... and I just can't stand to think about her, so childish, weak, innocent. That's not me !
So if I want to find the real me, I have to look for it in the real world, I have to feel again real feelings, good or bad . I have to live my real life.
Fin
So tell anything you want to tell me, write it !
Disclaimer: not mine ... if it was, be sure sam and Jack would be together !
Author's note : hey folks this is my first english fic .. I usually write french one, please don't be too hard on me. ;) I'd like to thank every author of this site 'cause I have so much fun spending my nights here, thank you every one !
I love him. If there's one thing I'm sur of, is that I, Major Samatha Carter, am in love with the Colonel Jack O'Neill. But I also know that I'm not. Women are said to be complex, I think that's a true statement.
I know it was an hallicination, due to my concussion, but it felt so real, his eyes, his smile, his smell ... Anyway, real or not, what he said was true. I love him for wrong reasons.
I mean, he's perfect, he gives me what I need, hope, comfort, illusion of happiness. But I fooled myself ! what kind of love is this ? he made me realised it.
Love has always been a harsh experience for me, it always ended in tears and pain, but with him I could feel it was different, it was another level of relationship, made of respect, trust, that were not visible by the others, not even by us at the beggining, it was only exposed by looks, smiles, sweet touches, it was so soft, it couldn't hurt ! could it ?
But then I beggan to cry myself to sleep thinking about him, about us, about this 'love', about our futur ... And reality kicked in every time I woke up to make me realise that it was never gonna be possible ... so I returned to him, aware that I will never be able to feel his skin but satisfied that I knew it.
I've always been so good at this; returned reality in my own way ... dad used to tell this to me 'kid you live in another world' . He doesn't even know how much right he was... When my mother died, I created this inner world, I couldn't face reality, all those crying faces, all this pain, it was too much for me, so I just reach inside myself and imagine this place, sweet, safe, protected from the others ... it's a place where mom is still alive, where she sings all the time, where dad doesn't have to leave me so often, where I can't cry cause nobody but myself has access here to hurt me, it's a place where Jack and I can create a 'us' , we are happy together and I know I love him so much that I don't need anybody else.
And I think that I let this world get out of my head when I knoked myself out. ...this teal'c protector, daniel, so sheepish, as I love him, dad, understanding, patient, and Jack, open, sweet. In a way, I recognise them because I had created them.
I'm glad I could face them, it made me realised that I can't do this anymore, refuge in their arms, instead of the ones of my real friends. That's what they all told me .. live .. I have to stop hiding in this utopie of false comfort. I have to stop behaving like a coward and beggin to face my fears, people hurts, people cry, that's part of life .. the part that for me is just a huge hole.
I know who's Grace now ... I couldn't figured it out before because the rush of the situation didn't leave me room enough to think or maybe because I didn't want to find out who she really was .. it implied too much . I was surprised because I was sure I never created her, I never let her access my world, I didn't realise she was there from the beggining. She 's that part of me that was trapped in that world of my mine ... and I just can't stand to think about her, so childish, weak, innocent. That's not me !
So if I want to find the real me, I have to look for it in the real world, I have to feel again real feelings, good or bad . I have to live my real life.
Fin
So tell anything you want to tell me, write it !