Coughing, he pulled himself out of the water, just enough that the stream couldn't carry him away anymore.
He lay down on his back, tried desperately to fill his lungs with air again, the eyes closed. His heart hammered against his chest, his cloth stuck against his body, his hair against his forehead. The sun mercilessly shone down on him but he didn't even realize.
He couldn't say how long he lay there, quiet, without any movement, until he finally opened his eyes and got up slowly while trying to ignore the black spots covering his field of vision.
Nick looked around. He looked at the nearly motionless surface of the lake right in front of him. There was nothing left of the dam. It was as if there hadn't been anything at all.
But there had been something. He knew it; the emptiness inside of him told him that.
A sudden exhaustion ran through his body and Nick lowered his head. He survived. He had wanted to sacrifice himself, had prepared himself to die, but now he sat there. Alive. He was alive. He survived but he wasn't that happy about it as he might have expected. It didn't matter to him. But why?
He didn't know what happened to Daniel. They got separated when the dam had collapsed. He didn't even know what happened to his family and Strand but not even this really mattered to him. All he had wanted to do was saving his mother and sister and he did everything in his power to fulfil this aim. Now he couldn't change anything. It was over. There was no duty left.
He had told John that he hasn't even cared to die and this had been the truth. The thought of his death had caused nothing but a wave of indifference inside of him. He really hasn't cared at all. Maybe leaving this world even had certain advantages compared to staying. What had this world still left to offer? He couldn't even see his own mother the same way he did before. Not after what she had done.
But now he was here and he was alive.
"In your case, I would really think about staying there, Nicky."
Nick startled, he rose his head. He knew this voice, he knew it well, but that couldn't be. This was impossible.
"You look surprised."
"Troy?", Nick mumbled after finally recognizing the man in front of him. Troy was grinning at him and this grinning even rose after seeing the reaction of his friend. "I already thought you would never find me even though I'm waiting for almost an eternity!"
Still in disbelief, Nick inspected his opponent. He had suffered two hits with a hammer against his head, there is no chance he could have survived that! But here he was. Cheerful, healthy and in contrast to Nick completely dry. There was no water dropping off his clothes and no blood running down his face although Nick wasn't able to get a look at his wound from where he was sitting.
"Waiting for what?", Nick asked, still muttering. He was tired, exhausted and confused.
Troy started to laugh. "Until you finally move your ass out of here. There are still some proctors left and the explosion was loud enough to attract lots of infected. You know, they love loud noises."
But then the cheerful light in his eyes disappeared and a sad undertone crept into his voice. "And I'm not able to help you anymore."
Nick couldn't stop staring at him while trying to process the last few words. His heart got heavier as the hope which he needed so badly began to fade again.
"Troy...", he mumbled again, before he got up, the exhaustion suddenly forgotten, to approach his friend. He, however, stepped aside.
"Don't do this", he replied with a certain pain in his voice. But despite Troy's efforts, Nick managed to catch a glimpse of the wound just a bit under the temple at the left side of his head. Or of the spot where the wound was supposed to be.
The eyes still fixed on the spot, he stretched out his right hand and tried to touch it but again, Troy moved aside.
"Nick!" The volume of Troy's voice didn't rise but the warning sound it got, wasn't able to overhear. He almost fled from the touch of Nick's hand, his gaze got sadder, his voice broken. "I'm only in your head."
Nick stopped. Without saying a word, he lowered his arm. The words were circling inside his head. His eyes were still fixed on his friend, were moving from one part to another, scanning the hands, the face, the eyes. He looked so real. But he wasn't. He was nothing but pure imagination. That's all that was left of him.
Nick felt how his heart sank even deeper and how the tears already filled his eyes again. The exhaustion returned so fast as it has disappeared before.
He staggered backwards until he felt the next tree at his back. He leaned against it and let himself slide to the ground until he could sit again and buried his face in his hands. That was all too much for him.
His whole body started to shake and his breathing got more irregular as he tried to calm down. Why has he been such naive? How could've he thought that Troy was still alive after all that has happened? After all that has happened only because he had failed to prevent it?
"I'm sorry" he finally murmured, quiet and only audible for himself and the Troy inside his head. Although he had closed his eyes, he couldn't prevent the first tears from leaving his eyes. Troy has been his friend and Nick had let him go. He had let him die. "I'm so sorry."
Troy seemed to look at him for a moment before he eventually approached Nick again and kneeled down in front of him. Pensive, he stared at the floor for a moment before turning his gaze back to his friend again. Barely noticeable, he shook his head. "You're not the one to blame."
"I know", Nick replied, his voice nearly breaking. He had tried to sound convincing but Troy's gaze didn't change at all.
"But you are not convinced."
Nick raised his head and opened his mouth but he didn't know what to say. Troy was right. He was inside of Nick's head, of course, he was right!
But also the real Troy always knew what Nick was thinking about. They had been similar enough for that. Troy had been the one who recognised Nick as the one he really was just because he had been the same. They had been the same, they had belonged together but now there was only Nick. He was the one who was left. He was alone. Again.
Only that this time, it was even worse than the first time. There, he hadn't known that there was another path. But now that he finally had found it, it has turned into an endless tangle which was impossible to enter.
"I could have stopped her", he finally whispers, his head buried in his hands again. He could not look at Troy or the dam which was holding back most of his emotions would finally collapse.
Nick could feel the tension rising and when he eventually looked at his friend again, his gaze looked like it was out of stone until he closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, stood up again and started to walk around with his head lowered and deeply in thoughts.
"You couldn't", he replied embittered. "She was deeply convinced that I couldn't be a part of you anymore." He stopped before quietly adding: "And probably I never even was."
Again, Nick didn't know what to say. That was the thing which always had been different between them. He always had a family and although his family had never been that perfect as most of the others, he had never wished to change with Troy. At least Nick never had to seek that much for one as Troy used to do. And when Troy had finally thought he found one, he got bitterly disappointed. Although at this point, he wasn't the only one.
"I didn't even try", he therefore continued. "The only thing I did was standing next to her and watching her beating you to death."
But Troy shook his head before he looked at Nick again. Tears were shimmering in his eyes. Tears of sadness, tears of disappointment and tears for what could've been.
"She's your mother, Nicky", he argued with a certain weakness in his voice. "At least you're still important to her.
This made Nick laugh. He knew he shouldn't laugh and it was the coldest laugh he ever heard but this sentence was simply too funny.
"She's not the one she used to be", he countered, still cold as ice. He sounded like he did before when he argued with his mother inside the room where Strand tried to hide them and immediately he felt the rage again which never really let him go since that moment. It only had been hidden but now it was there again.
"She doesn't care about anything then herself", he eventually explained. "She had no right for doing what she did and nevertheless she took what wasn't hers and she didn't even care. She didn't care about you and she didn't care about me. She always says that she only wants to do what's best for me and Alicia but in reality, she only cares about herself and her own stupid interests."
But again, Troy only shook his head. "I was never good for you, you should see that. Just look at all the things I made you do and situations you only got into because of me."
But all the sadness and disappointment in his eyes turned to confusion when Nick suddenly got up, scanned his body for injuries which he ignored anyway and started limping away. "Where do you want to go?"
Nick didn't even look back at him while he replied but his voice sounded a lot more determined as before. An idea had entered his brain and he was convinced to follow that plan. "She took you away from me and she's going to pay for this. Maybe I can't kill her but at least I can make that she won't see me again. She deserves this. Let her think I am dead.
Troy didn't seem to know what to do. He remained hesitant. "You don't have anyone else besides your family."
Nick turned around. He knew that Troy was only in his head but he didn't care. The things in his head couldn't betray him and they couldn't leave him and nobody was able to take them away from him. They were there as long as he wanted them to be.
He smiled.
"I've got you."