Wheels and the Legman vs. Fish and the Jeffman: The Murder at the Murder Mystery

Chapter 1

"I killed you, Klaus!" Roger said to him as he and Klaus was playing Duck Game. Klaus sighed.

"This isn't fair!" The fish complained. "I don't know how the buttons work."

"Doesn't matter; I still won!" The alien then did a victory dance. "I killed Klaus, I killed Klaus, I killed Klaus!" Klaus rolled his eyes, and looked out the window. He saw that Steve had just come home, and was dancing and singing merrily. The school bus took off from behind him.

"Steve's coming!" Klaus announced.

"How do you know?" Roger wanted to know.

"Because I hear him singing merrily."

"Why is he singing merrily?"

"Because today was the last day of school." Roger didn't get it.

"Yeah, so?"

"He's happy. He just spent nine months in classrooms, doing homework, tests, und listing to teachers. Now, he doesn't have to go back until September. Who wouldn't be happy? When I was a kind, I couldn't wait until summer. Why am I explaining this to you?" Roger shrugged.

"I just asked. I didn't want to hear an answer, especially from you. Anyway, stupid kids that like school for some reason, they aren't happy that school's done."

"Well, most kids are!" Steve came in, singing.

"School's done!" He sang. "Now, I'm ready for some fun under the sun Yeah, I'm ready for some fun in the sunnnnnnnn!" Francine who came in, applauded with Klaus. Steve noticed this. He bowed.

"Thank you; thank you!" Roger rolled his eyes.

"Showoff!" He scoffed.

"Wow, Steve!" Francine said. "You really are excited, aren't you?

"Duh; I'm excited!" Steve told her. "It was the last day of school. Who wouldn't be excited? Weren't you and Dad excited when you were kids?"

"Yeah." Stan answered. "But we weren't that excited! After all, it's only until September, then you'll be back in the ninth grade for some reason."

"I know, Dad. But, some time off is always a good thing!"

"Yeah, but almost three months? That's too much if you ask me. We know you'll do nothing except stay here, and be a couth potato all day."

"Not all day, Dad; just most days!" Stan rolled his eyes.

"Whatever!" Hayley and Jeff then came in.

"Hey, Steve!" Hayley greeted. "How was your last day of school?"

"Good!" Steve answered. "I already have plans with my friends."

"Good." Jeff sighed.

"Awe, the last day of school!" He said. "I remember when I was a senior, I raided Principal Lewis' drawers, got all of the seniors files, and threw them all around in the parking lot." He elbowed Hayley. "Remember that, babe?"

"Yeah." Hayley answered. "He was so mad that he threated to not have you graduate."

"But, I did graduate! Good times; good times!" Steve looked at his father.

"Anyways, Dad." He said to him. "Can you drive my friends and I to Busch Gardens, tomorrow?"

"Steve," Francine began telling him. "He can't. We're going to that play tomorrow, remember?"

"Shoot; I must have been so excited about the last day of school that I must've forgot."

"No kidding!" Roger put in.

"Sorry, Steve." Francine responded. You can still play tomorrow, but we leave at five to go out for dinner before the seven o'clock play."

"It's okay, Mom. I'll just have to tell my friends that we can go another day, and just play tomorrow." He then had a question on his face."

"What's the play?"

"Cat Among the Pigeons."

"We're going to a play about cats and pigeons?"

"No. It's a murder mystery."

"It features Hercule Poirot." Hayley explained. "A Belgium detective created by British mystery author, Agatha Christie."

"Okay, I'm going to call Snot now, Mom." And with that, he went to call Snot.

"Hello, Snot." Steve greeted his friend over the phone.

"Hey, Steve!" Snot greeted back. "Are you ready for the most fun you'll have all summer tomorrow?"

"About that. We're going to have to postpone it." There was confusion in Snot's voice.

"Why?"

"Because I can't go."

"Why can't you go?"

"I'm going to a play with my family."

"What play?"

"Cat Among the Pigeons."

"You're going to a play about cats and pigeons?"

"No. It's a murder mystery by Hercule Poirot."

"I think you mean Agatha Christie. Hercule Poirot is a character that she made."

"Whatever. Anyways, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to bale. Can you call Barry and Toshi and tell them the news?"

"Sure. Have fun at the play."

"Thanks, Snot." He then grew concerned. "You're not going to go without me, right?"

"Of course not; we're friends! We would never do that to you…or I wouldn't anyways." Steve smiled.

"I don't know what I was worried about. We can still hang out tomorrow. The play's not until seven, and I have to leave at five to dinner."

"Okay, what time?"

"Uh, how about noon?"

"Okay, see you tomorrow then."

"See you tomorrow." With that, Steve hung up.

"Can I go?" Klaus asked in his bowl after Stan poured him fish food in his bowl during dinner. Stan was confused.

"Go where?" He wanted to know.

"To the play."

"You're a fish. You can't go; no pets allowed."

"Awe; come on! I've gone to lots of places that doesn't allow pets. I've gone to the doctor's, the hospital, on airplanes where the people sit, a derby, heck, I was at that Japanese restaurant just last night, remember? A cook mistook me for a sushi, and almost chopped me up into itty bitty pieces." Roger chuckled at the memory.

"Yeah; it was hilarious!" He then frowned. "Too bad he didn't."

"See? Roger remembers!"

"I do remember. I wonder why we do that."

"So, can I go?"

"Nope!" Stan set the fish food down, and joined his family at the table.

"I bet I could figure out who did it, before any of you could. I am on a detective team with Roger, remember?"

"Yeah!" Steve argued. "Something you stole from me!"

"Sorry, Steve, but I can't help it when you're sick, got homework, school, or going camping with your friends."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you can replace me!"

"Oh, come on; don't be like that."

"I will be like that because it's true!"

"Let's not argue." Stan said. "Let's just eat our meal like a family. Oh and Klaus, you'll still not going."

"Awe, come on!"

"Sorry, you don't have a ticket."

"Then buy me one!" Stan shook his head.

"And steal a ticket from someone else? No way!" He started on his food.

"But, I want to go. What else am I going to do?"

"Don't know; that's up to you. Just don't throw a party when we're gone. Now, just eat your fish food. "

"Fine; I'll eat my fish food, but I'm still mad at you." He stated eating his fish food.

Klaus asked if he could go repeatedly the next day, and the family all had the same answer every time: No. He had annoyed them so much with the question that Steve and his friends had to move to Snot's house.

"We're going!" Stan announced when they were ready to go to the restaurant. Klaus was about to speak when Stan beat him to it. "Oh, and you can't go." Klaus sighed.

"How did I know?" He said. "I should learn to keep my mouth shut."

"That's right." Stan agreed. "You should. Bye; remember, no parties!" He then left.

"Wait!" Jeff shouted to the family. They all stopped, and looked at him.

"What is it, Jeff?" Hayley questioned him.

"I have to go to the bathroom." Everybody groaned in disappointment.

"Jeff! Why didn't you go before we left the house."

"I didn't have to go then." They just looked at him.

"You didn't have to go literally five seconds ago?"

"Uh…yes!"

"Look, can you go when we get to the restaurant?" Jeff shook his head.

"I might not make it in time."

"Hurry up, then!" Stan told him. Jeff looked at his father-in-law, and smiled.

"Thanks, Mr. Smith!" He then ran inside.

"Klaus," Jeff said to him. The fish looked at him. "You still want to go?"

"You bet!" The fish replied. Jeff then raced in the kitchen. Klaus was confused. "Wait, what are you doing?" Jeff then came back with a water filled zip loc bag. He opened it, and offered it towards the bowl. "Here; jump in. Don't tell anyone."

"Are you kidding me?! The family doesn't want me going in the first place, so; duh, I won't tell!"

"Okay." He zipped it a little. "Ready?"

"Ready!" And with that, they left.

"Okay; I'm ready to go!" Jeff announced to the rest of the family.

"About time!" Roger complained. Hayley looked at him.

"Roger," She said to him. "It was only three minutes."

"Yeah. But it was the longest three minutes ever!" They then hopped into the SUV, and drove off.

Stan turned the radio to a station he liked. Donald Trump was giving an angry tirade, which made Hayley groan. She was about to ask her mom if she could change the station when Francine did it herself. The radio was playing music now.

"I was listening to him!" Stan argued.

"Thanks, Mom!" Hayley thanked her mom. "I hate Trump. I can't stand him anymore."

"I know what you mean, Hayley." Francine said. "I hate him too." Stan was shocked.

"What's there to hate him about?" He wanted to know. They just looked at him.

"Everything!" Hayley put in. "He's offensive and racist."

"Well, yeah," Stan responded. "But, that what makes him great!"

"Dad; he wants to build a wall to keep immigrants out."

"Yeah; illegal immigrants!"

"He also doesn't like Mexicans too well, wants them to pay for the wall, and he wants to keep Muslims out."

"That's because they'll terrorists. They're behind 9/11 with other things. France is with us after the November attacks, and the Charlie Hebdo shootings last year. He wants to make America better."

"I want America better too, Dad. But, there are better ways. If you ask me, I think Trump will be the worst president yet. I hope he doesn't win. If he does, I hope he gets impeach right away."

"So, do you want to go to Canada if he becomes President, Hayley?" Jeff asked her.

"Why does everyone want to go to Canada?!" Stan questioned. Hayley shrugged, ignoring her father's outburst.

"Well, it'll be better then here." Hayley said. "America will become a sad, dark place."

"Yeah; down with Trump!" Steve cheered. "Trump's an idiot."

"Steve!" Stan gasped, shocked. "Not you too! You're still too young to vote. You don't know anything."

"I know enough to know that Trump is an idiot. If he becomes president, which I dearly hope not, I won't vote for him for his second term. He's like 70."

Stan pounded the steering wheel in frustration. "What is (car honks)

wrong with this family? Doesn't anyone besides me, support Trump?"

"I support him!" Roger spoke up.

"Thank you, Roger!" Hayley turned to him.

"You would support him." Roger was confused.

"What is that suppose to mean?"

"Because you are offensive and racist all the time! You are like our mini-Trump of the family." Roger was touched about this.

"Awe; Hayley! I'm deeply touched. That's the nicest thing you ever said to me."

"Who are you going to vote for, Klaus?" Jeff asked him. "Donald Trump?"

"No way!" Klaus answered. "Trump wants to build a wall to keep people out. It'll be the Berlin Wall of the 21st century. I don't know who I'll vote for."

"Are you going to vote for Hillary Clinton?" Stan questioned his daughter.

"Because she's a woman?" Hayley snapped. "And because she'll be the first ever woman president? I'm not going to do that. I'll vote for her because I like her, not because she'll make history. If I were old enough for the last election, I wouldn't have voted for Obama because of his skin; that's racist. I would've voted for him because I liked him more. And I don't know who I'll vote for, not Trump, that's for sure."

"Well, Roger and I will vote for Trump." Stan said. "And if the rest of America is smart, they will too."

After they had their dinner, they drove to the theater. They left with plenty of time to spare, but then they hit heavy traffic. Stan looked at the SUV's clock, and gasped. It was almost seven.

"Come on, come on, come on!" Stan urged. He honked the horn a couple times.

"Uh, Dad?" Steve began. "No matter how many times you do that, it won't help us get there any faster."

"But we're going to be late, Steve." Stan said to him. "It's almost seven." He honked he horns a few times.

"Abraham Lincoln was late for a play." Roger pointed out. "And he got shot."

"Roger," Hayley stated. "I doubt that's the reason why John Wilkes Booth shot him."

"I would've." Roger stated. "If the play starred me. That'll show him not to miss my plays, well, he's dead, so he won't go to any of my plays, but it'll show other people!"

The stoplight then turned green, and the cars drove on.

"Finally!" Stan stated. He, too, drove on.

They parked in the parking lot with five minutes to spare. They quickly got out, and ran in.

Roger read a sign that warned everyone that there's gunfire in the performance.

"Well, that mystery's ruined!" The alien said. "The culprit is going to shoot the victim with a gun."

"Not necessary." Hayley told him. "The play contains gunfire, but the culprit could commit murder by another method. The sign's there to warn people, like the author, who don't like gunfire."

Once they got their tickets, they went to find their seats.

"Stan," Francine told her husband, looking at the cast in the playbill. "Look! This is Shelby Johnston, one of the actresses, first play she's ever been in. Isn't that something? I hope she does great."

"I'll be the judge of that." He said.

Jeff took out Klaus and put him on his lap.

"Can you see, Klaus?" He asked him. Klaus tried to see, but people's heads blocked the stage for him,

"There's too many heads in the way. Now I know how kids and short adults feel."

"Okay; I'll move you." Jeff stood up. He moved by some people, put Klaus on the steps, and moved back. Hayley noticed this.

"Where were you?" She asked. Jeff looked at her.

"Huh?" He questioned.

"You left. I saw you. Where did you go?"

"To the bathroom, babe." He sat down. "But, I'm here now, babe."

"For a minute?" Jeff then hesitated, not knowing how to answer.

"I…uh…" Hayley then got mad.

"Jeff Fischer! I thought since we married, we agreed to not keep secrets from each other! Now, what secret are you hiding?" Jeff began to sweat nervously. He tugged his shirt collar.

"I…uh…"

"Out with it!" Jeff sighed with relief as the lights began to dim. "Ooh, look; it's starting!" Hayley folded her hands across her chest, unimpressed.

"Okay, but you're going to tell me during intermission."

"Bang; Bang!" Gunshots could be heard. The audience gasped. Shelby's character has been shot dead! Some dialogue was exchanged, then the lights came on, signaling intermission. People began to chat, and went up to the restrooms or the concussion stand. Hayley turned to Jeff.

"Okay," She said. "Tell me." Jeff was confused.

"Tell you what?" Hayley groaned again.

"Tell me why you left before the play started." Jeff realized what his spouse meant.

"Oh, that! Well, I, uh…" He then bolted up in a panic, realizing Klaus could be trampled on. "Hold that thought, babe." He then left. Hayley called after him.

"JEFF; JEFF!" She then groaned. Sometimes she wondered why she married him.

"Okay, Shelby." Said Clancy, one of the actors who discovered the actress' character's body. "Good job! You can get up now." But, Shelby didn't get up. "Uh, Shelby?" He proceeded to shake her awake, but when he touched her, he gasped. "Oh, gosh!" He ran backstage.

"Clancy!" Said the director, Alex. "Where's Shelby?"

"She's dead, Alex!" Clancy told him.

"I know." Alex responded. "She's supposed to be dead. This is her first ever performance, and she's stellar! Her acting is so good that she looks like she's really dead, doesn't it?" Clancy shook his head.

"She's not acting. She's really dead."