Halo
Her halo slipped years ago.
The pain was enough to remind her that she was here for one reason and one reason alone. She wasn't the golden child she had once been in her father eyes, she wasn't the good friend she had been for the other one.
Those were words applied to a girl long since lost.
His smirk showed the world that once again he won, it was a forgone conclusion, what he wanted he got.
What made her any different; but it was there looks of pity and jealousy that made her want to scream, to tear away the jewels and costumes she had to wear. Who did they think she was, they had no right to judge her for what she had done, for what right she had given away when she agreed that after so many years of being broken apart and forced to rebuild that only he would want her.
It should have been different, there should have been those who cared enough to help her rebuild what pieces had been broken apart but they left, they ignored her pain because in their eyes her halo had slipped.
Her role as the golden girl had been shattered beyond repaired.
She would play the part, she would smile and she would be what he wanted her to be for the world watching them. She would don the halo along with the expensive jewellery and the costumes.
He didn't want to see her the way she truly was, she understood that but there was nights when she wished for nothing more to rip that pedestal away and bare the real her to him, prove that she was human and she had made too many mistakes to ever be the one who he thought could wear a halo.
The light flickers against the silver of the frame, holding the moment that would lie to generations who never knew them personally… the moment they were happy.
If she hadn't been damaged would she have been happy standing in white, the princess of the day staring into his grey blue eyes seeing only love.
No use in empty wishes because she couldn't see if he could have loved her.
She never promised him sunshine and she never promised him everything would be ok and he still accepted her.
He always put her up high, always made her out to be the person she never was and she screamed at him, hurled the hurtful words at him.
But it was that one look, the one look he reserved for her that made her think that maybe one day she could put that tarnished halo back on her head and be the woman and not the girl he wanted.
It was with that look that she could smile and she could accept his kisses, his touches and his whispered words.
In the morning she wanted to scream that he was only damaging her more, that she was falling from that pedestal and breaking even more of her.
The nights it became too much to bare, when she was too high and too far from the ground she sinned by breaking him more, watching him question his love for her.
He would ask her why he couldn't love her that way and she would always tell him that she wasn't that woman, she couldn't receive that love.
One day she promised that it would change, he would understand and rip her down from that pedestal and put her back where she belonged. Among the broken, among the fallen.
One day he promised to fix her, to make her understand that it wasn't just in his mind that she wore that halo.
"Chloe" his voice whispered and muted in that room, in that room where they promised that they could pretend not for themselves but for the only other presence in that room.
"He won't fix this Lex… he can't mend what was broken years ago" she tries to make him understand that they were breaking the rules by just uttering those words.
"He doesn't have to fix anything Chloe… I know he can't just like I didn't fix anything for my parents" she turns away from his eyes, from the way he saw her.
She wants to scream that she wasn't that woman.
"Maybe we can't fix this Lex… maybe this time us won't fix this either" she pleads with him instead, pleads for him to see her as a human.
"Chloe… we can fix this" he pleads with her corrupting her space with the scent of something she shouldn't have.
"I want to love you Lex… I really do but love was never the problem because love was never there" she whispers ignoring his touches again, pushing him away and his ideas.
"But it is now, I love you" he promises and she can't fault him for trying faithfully to prove it true.
"but that isn't what's broken Lex… us Lex is what's broken and we can't fix it because we don't know what this was" she turns blinded to that look.
"Obsession; you can't fix that. Revenge; you can't fix that. Jealousy; you can't fix that Lex" she hisses refusing to see the only person who would one day come to look at her that way; the way his father did.
"Till death due us part; faithful to me" he wants to spit, to hurt her but she knows that even despite his spiteful tone he was still looking at her that way.
Standing so far away from the fire light, so far away from the golden light that his eyes shone over her she watches him. The only time she can feel like she can breath and be broken was when he didn't look at her.
"If I asked for a divorce would you give it to me" she dares to ask.
Just because she hated the way he saw her because she wasn't that woman it didn't change the fact that she would sin, she would make the mistake of making him look at her that way.
She lost that halo for a reason.
"No" he snaps his strength threatening to break something he could replace, something he could throw away without even breaking himself.
"Don't drink, I didn't mean to make you drink" she whispers pushing the tears back because she knows with those words she was giving him another reason to look at her that way.
She promises never to admit that she understands why he looks at her that way; because that means she really did lose that girl she once was all those years ago.
He saw her halo; he saw it and he wanted to keep it for himself because after all he got what he wanted and he wanted her as she once was.
"Do you really want a divorce? The money, the press coverage and the heart break he will go through" he whispers breaking the image of the man he once was, showing that he lost his halo years ago.
"I don't want your money; I told you that the day you asked me to marry you" she reminds him closing her eyes at that smirk, the wrong words for her escape.
"Would you stop loving him the same way because I left" she doesn't want to get too close, that damn pedestal would always get in the way.
He would lie just to hurt her, to keep her on that pedestal she hated and loved.
"I should say yes" he whispers and in that moment she has to look at him, the way he looks at her. The pedestal could be made bigger, could sit two instead of one.
His touches, his whispered words and caresses prove to much; she was broken and she would always need to be reminded of that.
He could do that, he could remind her she was broken and keep her whole all at the same time.
"I'm sick Lex" in the darkness she doesn't see that look and she can feel broken in his embrace but she can't stop from looking at him and seeing that halo on his head this time.
"I can't fix that Chloe… I can't make you better but I promise to never make you worse" he promises, no longer having to look at her to put her on that pedestal, to see that halo.
"But you do Lex… you make me so much worse; you can't stop it" she wants to push him away, push herself out of this world.
"You don't want me to stop Chloe because if you did you would have walked away long before LJ was ever born" his pause meet more in the darkness then his words ever did.
He looked at her that way to keep her; to pretend she was the girl she once was and not the woman he had his hand in creating.
"This isn't true love Lex… it's not the real thing" the tears hurt and they burnt both of them but they were stronger together then apart.
"There is no true love Chloe only the love you create" he knew this would always come, it always did because she was right she was sick.
"Maybe one day I could love you Lex like I used to love him" she sighs in his tighten embrace and knows it was a lie.
"I don't deserve that love Chloe… I deserve this jaded love" he admits and that long lost girl wants to push him away, to run away from him and his looks.
He didn't know what that love was, he couldn't love innocently and she doubted he could ever really love anyone.
If she agreed he deserved that jaded love then did that mean she deserved his fake love.
Maybe she did.
Or maybe just one day she could give and receive the love she always dreamt of having.
Tarnished halo and all.
I got this idea from listening to Bethany Joy Lenz song 'Halo'.