AN I don't own Marvel or any of the characters! Short WinterWidow angsty fluff.
Bucky jolted upright in the bed but before he could stand Natasha gripped his arm and yanked him back down. She froze, stiffening at the knife at her throat, and for a moment she couldn't breathe. Because there was no recognition in his face. But then he stopped and pulled back the knife and fell back onto the bed beside her, chest still heaving and hands still shaking. She sat up slowly, still not totally sure he was back to himself, but the little bitter smirk he gave made her relax. He was angry, and defeated, but he was still himself.
"Sorry." she just shook her head, though, and laid a hand on his chest over his heart in an attempt to slow his heart rate.
"You know you never have to be." He closed his eyes and took her hand, just breathing for a second in an attempt to calm down, but she just watched it. She liked watching him come back to her, even if it was gradual.
"Talya?" She squeezed his band to show she was there and listening, but he still hesitated. "I need you to promise me something."
"That depends on what it is." He sighed and ran his thumb over the back of her hand, hesitating. He had that sad, helpless quality to his face again that made her skin crawl. She hated that hopelessness, like he just had to give up because he couldn't even control his own mind, let alone his body. He took a deep breath and squeezed her hand again.
"Steve cares too much… He loves me."
"So do I, Winter." He shrugged but shook his head.
"No, he loves who I was before Zola. It blinds him to who I am now. But you aren't blind." She didn't like where this was going, but he rarely asked her for any favors and especially not at two in the morning when the sweat from his night terrors was still on his skin. So she just held his hand and listened.
"I see it when you aren't sure, you separate it in your mind to him and me. Not me, hiding beneath training." He forced another deep breath, so deep that it lifted her hand on his chest, but she just steeled herself. "That book, those words, are still out there. Someone could still get them. All it takes is a few words… But if something like were to happen…"
"Don't, Winter. Don't ask that of me. Please." But he just bit his lip and squeezed her hand, wincing.
"I don't want to hurt anyone else. Steve would do anything to keep me alive, to get me out of the consequences and bring me back, because he can live with whatever I've done. But I can't. So if it happens…"
"Don't say it!" She felt tears burning behind her eyes but his were still closed and it was all she could do not to rip her hand away and run before he could say those horrible words. "Don't you dare ask. Please, don't." But he squeezed her hand again, even more pronounced, and when she looked to see if he was still grimacing, she was caught up in those steely grey-blue eyes. There were tears on his face, his hand was shaking, but he stared at her. He was pleading her with his eyes, begging her to let him say this, but she just shook her head over and over again because she couldn't do it- she couldn't.
"Talya… You're the only one I trust to follow through. If the worst happens, if they get control of me again, promise me. Please, promise me. Promise that you won't let me hurt anyone else. Promise that you'll stop me, no matter what it takes." She nearly choked on the air in her lungs.
"You know you won't stop." He nodded, his face twisted in agony but determined. "You know what you're asking me to do."
"I'm asking you to kill me,Talya. If they take control of me again, promise me that you will kill me before I can hurt anyone. Please,Talya." His voice broke over the words but they shattered more in her chest, digging shards of ice into her flesh from the inside. She couldn't breathe. Those eyes boring into her burned like ice and more than anything she just wanted to escape that feeling. She turned her back to him on the bed, trying to steady herself by looking at the wall. But she didn't let go of his hand. She forced herself to take a few deep breaths but those words kept rattling through her until tears just poured down her cheeks and she couldn't see the wall enough to focus on it.
"Talya…" His voice hit her like a fist to the stomach, but she just winced. Slowly, carefully, he shifted behind her to wrap an arm around her waist, still holding her hand against his chest as he buried his face in the material of her sweats. He smoothed his hand over the small of her back, around her hip. Until it settled over the scar on her abdomen.
"Please,Talya. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt anyone else. If I hurt you… Please, I know you understand what that feels like. Promise me." She clamped her free hand over her mouth to stifle a sob. He was begging her, asking her to kill him. She grimaced and tried to curl in on herself, trying to wiggle away from him just enough to steady herself, but he kept the contact and traced over the scar, nuzzling his cheek against her leg.
"Please. I'm begging you,Talya." But then something just snapped inside her and she jolted out of that disbelief. She whirled on him, shaking her head as violently as possible as she made him meet her eyes. He jumped back, just slightly, at the sudden fierceness in her face. But she didn't let him pull his hand away and she shook her head again and again until she felt like her voice was strong enough to risk opening her mouth.
"No." He collapsed in on himself, drowning in that helplessness, but she cupped his jaw and refused to let him look away from her eyes. "No, Winter. I will never hurt you, understand that, okay? I will not hurt you. But listen to me-hey, look at me-that isn't going to happen. Look at me." He did, shaking and looking at her like she'd just stabbed him in the chest, but she forced him to focus on her. She wiped tears from his cheek but more fell in their place. He was just seconds from completely shattering, from shutting her out, but she refused to let him.
"Winter. They will not get control of you."
"You don't know that,Talya-
"Hey. Listen to me, okay?" He stopped but nodded, clinging to her with every breath. "They aren't going to get control of you. Yes, those words are still out there and they're still a threat but what if they didn't work? What if those words just… didn't affect you?"
"But they do-"
"Winter, hear me out. I will not kill you, ever. I'll fight you and I'll delay you, if that makes you feel better, but I will not kill you. What if we worked on it though? What if we could undo that trigger? Rewire those words in your brain?" He just stared at her, like he couldn't comprehend what she was saying, but he hadn't argued or rejected it.
"How?" There was hope.
"I don't know, exactly, but… We trigger it in a controlled situation, where you're safe and so is everyone else. We work on it, practice coming back from it and controlling it. It won't be easy or quick but… What if we desensitized that trigger to the point where it didn't work anymore?" Slowly, the man on the bed beside her took a deep breath and just stared at her, unblinking.
"We can't trigger it, though." Oh, right. Natasha bit her lip and braced herself, squeezing his hand, but she still hesitated.
"Yes, we can." He stared at her. "I can." There was so much… something in his eyes. It wasn't fear or betrayal but there was so much of it that it looked like it was suffocating him.
"You… You know the words?" She nodded, just waiting for that bite of betrayal and distrust in his face. "Since when?" Honesty. She had to be completely honest, even if it killed them both, because she couldn't live with secrets from him. Not this time, not when she'd been given a second chance.
"Since I reached fourth class." He gaped at her-she'd reached fourth class when she was sixteen years old. That was before everything, when he was still just her trainer, and he'd been more than tough on her. She could have used them. Fourth class was before Belarus, before their relationship, before he'd been sent after her. She could have not only disabled him but controlled him at any point-but she hadn't.
"Why didn't you use them?" She leaned forward on the bed and pressed their foreheads together, feeling the tears on his face slip beneath her hands but refusing to let them separate their skin.
"Because I know what it feels like to have someone else control your mind, Win. I would never do that to you."
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