Broken, but beautiful...
Chp 1
"Hello Dean" Cas' voice hums through the hotel bathroom. He has been gone for almost a year trapped in Purgatory. How is he here?
"Cas?" Dean's voice, broken. It came out as nothing but a whisper.
"Is this real? Are you really here?" tears spring into Dean's eyes, but he was distraught to care.
Without an answer, Dean pulls Cas to the bathroom floor, pulling him into his lap and hiding his face in the side of his neck. Small tears drip like rain onto Castiel's skin. Oh, what a relief it was to have him in his arms.
"Dean, why are you crying?" Cas' curious voice rings in Dean's ears. He usually has that effect on him, although he would didn't want to admit it. Dean's voice becomes concerned, almost angry.
"Cas, what that fuck do you mean why am I crying? Cas, how are you even here; I tried to save you too, but you let go. I thought you were gone I thought…I though-thought you were…" His voice breaking "I thought you were de-dead. I thought I was never going to see you again." Dean is sobbing by this point something that he never does, but he's different with Cas.
"Dean I would never give up. I especially would never give up on you, you should know that. I let go, because I knew if I went into that portal, you would get hurt. I didn't care if I died, but I could never risk putting you in danger like that." Cas' words sink in and Dean starts to feel calmer his breathing finally evening out. Cas kisses Dean's forehead, slightly salty from sweat.
"Dean you have to know something and I don't know how you are going to take it." Worry flickers through Dean's eyes as he meets Cas' gaze. "Dean I love you. I love you so much, and I'm so sorry I had to let go. All of this made me realize how much you really mean to me. I'm sorry that I'm putting this on you, but you have to know that I love you."
Sam finally notices what's going on in the room next to him. He had become oblivious as he was reading a newspaper looking for a hunt. "Cas?" Noticing the entanglement of the two bodies he decides to leave, understanding that the two men are gonna need some time alone together. It's about time too; those two lovebirds have always cared a little more than just normal friends should. "Oh, um hi. I'm gonna go. I'm glad your okay Cas." His cheeks heating up into a rosy pink color.
Dean stares into those ocean blue eyes and immediately is lost. Wow. Cas actually loves me too? A smile stretches across Dean's face, lighting up the room.
"Oh Cas." Dean starts noticing the little things about Cas that he has always loved. The way his eyes always seem to swallow him whole. The way his lips turn up into a perfect smirk. The little things like that.
Their faces slowly lean in, lips grazing across the others. They were taking their time, not rushing the moment, enjoying every touch. Dean had always heard of people talking about how when your in love, every touch is different; it's like sparks connecting their souls with every kiss and every caress. He never believed it until now. The kisses although started becoming more hungry more needy. Cas of course, unsure of what to do since this was his first time with anyone. Although he did quickly catch on, meeting each movement of Dean's lips with his own. Dean gently bites down onto Cas' lower lip earning a low moan and granting access into the man's hungry mouth. He slips his tongue into Cas' mouth earning once again another pleasurable moan. Dean pulls away before thing get too heated, and Cas whimpers missing the feeling of Dean's mouth on his. This earns a guilty grin from Dean, of course, but it's time to talk.
"We have to talk. I need to know what happened, Cas." Cas sighs pulling back from Dean to rest his head on the side of the sink. What did happen? All he knew was that he was in Purgatory fighting off a couple Leviathan, and then he was here standing in a bathroom kissing Dean.
"I don't know. I was fighting, and then there was a white flash of light, and then I was kissing you….Dean I'm so sorry."
"Sorry for what Cas, you didn't do anything. This is my fault I shouldn't have let you go." tears fall from his eyes again from the memory of letting go of Cas' arm in the portal.
"No, Dean. I let go for your safety I knew if I didn't let go then you would get hurt. I couldn't let that happen. I told you that if I went into the portal with you then the portal would most likely reject my being. If that had happened, I believe that would be the cause you getting hurt; I could never be the reason for you to get hurt. So don't ever think this is your fault. I was the one that let go…not you." Cas kisses away Dean's tears and cradles the side of his face. Dean leans into his touch, feeling the warmth of his hand on his face; feeling the safety of Cas' presence.
"But, Cas what if you never came back? What if you never knew how I feel about you? It was killing me to know that after all the chances I had…I never admitted it. I couldn't…I can't say it yet, but I do."
"I know Dean and I didn't expect you to say it back yet. It's fine as long as you are mine." Dean gives Castiel another slow gentle kiss but ends it at that.
"I'm sorry Cas. I care about you, but this is gonna have to take me some time. This scares me so much…showing affection, showing…love… for you, but it's not because of you. Don't think that this is because of you; I just have my own issues that I need to work through."
"I know Dean, it's okay. You won't hurt me."
"But what if I do?"
"Dean Winchester I love you so much and I know that you would never do anything to hurt me." Cas pulls up out of Dean's lap still holding Dean's hand. "I'm sorry to interrupt this conversation, but I'm tired Dean, can we rest?"
"Yea Cas, anything you need I'm here. But, first let's get you cleaned up, you're a mess."
"Dean, how do I "clean up" myself?" Dean mentally face palms himself of course, he doesn't even know how to take a shower. I could shower with him? No I want to take my time with him show him how much he means to me. I don't want him to be just another one night stand like everyone else. However, that doesn't mean I can't take a shower with him just no fooling around right?
"Well. I can take a shower with you, so you can know what to do?" A question burns Dean's face red.
"Yes Dean, I would like that very much." Cas smiles at Deans flushed face.
"But, um Cas I don't wanna fool around yet…"
"I don't understand what you mean Dean." Of course he doesn't. Cas doesn't understand anything dirty or sexual… YET. I wonder if he even knows how sex works. To him this is simply learning to shower…with me.
"Oh um well um." for the first time ever Dean is actually flustered over the thought of sex. "Well you see usually when two grown people get into a shower together, they um, um ha-ha they um have sex in the shower."
"Oh." This had never occurred to Castiel that sex would be in other places besides just a bedroom. Fascinating, and perhaps someday he would like to try this with Dean.
"Dean that's fine how ever long you want to wait will be perfect with me." This gives Dean a lot of obvious relief as his body relaxes.
"How do we start the process of cleansing the body?" Cas and his formal wording it's odd, but it suits him that's something that makes him... Cas.
"Well Cas you should start with um uh…taking off your clothes." Dean blushes even more if that's even possible. He is still a little unsure of this, but this is about taking care of Cas, not him. Cas meets eyes with Dean and begins too peel off his shirt after untying his tie. This is definitely something that Dean could get used to… seeing Cas like this. His perfect little angel was very well built; he had many muscles and smooth skin. He was breathtaking. Of course, he was a little smaller than Dean was, but his body was absolutely breath taking, as was his soul. Dean follows in suit and begins to take off his clothing as well. Once he and Cas are in nothing but their boxer briefs, he continues to stare, appreciating Cas' body. Unable to control his urges to love Cas he allows himself finally kiss his angel. It's nothing but a gentle small kiss, but to Dean it is enough and it is everything now.
"Dean we might want to stop before you become too uncomfortable, it's okay." Dean sighs avoiding his want to take Cas right then and there. 'When it finally comes to time I want it to be special, and I don't want to hurry it either. I want to take my time with Cas; I want to treat him better than I have ever treated another lover before. Although, no other lover could ever compare to Cas, he is perfect. He is the one that I actually want a future with him, not just a good fuck.
"Well Cas you see now we turn on the water on a warmer setting, but before you get under the water check and make sure it's not too hot or too cold like this see?" Dean holds his hand under the water and lucky enough the water is the perfect temperature. "So now you need to finish getting undressed." immediately Cas follows Dean's order, slips off his grey boxer briefs, and tosses them in the corner of the room. Dean gulps seeing the large size of his angel…and he wasn't even hard. Dean then strips also out of his underwear and gently leads Cas into the relaxing hot shower.
"Do we just stand under the water Dean and that is it?" Dean chuckles at his angel's innocence to even the simplest human things such as taking a shower.
"No, Cas baby we have to actually wash ourselves, here I'll show you." Dean grabs the small hotel shampoo and puts a plenty amount into the palm of his hand. "See Cas now you take this, this is called shampoo and it is used to wash your hair. You put it in your hands like this and then rub it into your hair." Castiel closes his eyes and sighs as Dean continues to lather his head. The sight makes Dean relax even more and feel more at peace. Peace, it's so odd that something so simple as peace is something that he hasn't felt in years…. until now that he can hold Cas and make sure that he is safe and taken care of.
"Now you lean your head back under the water and rinse out all of the shampoo." When all of the suds are out of his hair Dean grabs a cloth for Castiel and pulls out the blue body wash he keeps with him. "So Cas um if this makes you feel uncomfortable just tell me. It's okay."
"No Dean if it's alright with you, I would like you to continue taking care of me."
"Well Cas this part of the shower consists more of touching your body and I don't know if I'm really ready for that." Dean glows bright red once again. Ugh, Dean never gets shy. "But if you want I can wash you until I need to stop."
"That's fine Dean, but if you don't want to I can do it myself." Cas looks disappointed.
"No, never mind I want to do this for you, Cas." Although, Dean does want to take care of Cas, he's worried that he will lose control and he isn't ready for that part of the relationship yet.
He starts at the shoulders looking at his profound muscles and occasionally looking into Cas' eyes to see that they have already been staring back. He has the most beautiful gorgeous eyes. The cloth then begins to go lower and spread the bubbles onto his chest wiping all dirt and sweat remaining on him from Purgatory. His smooth skin is now wet and soapy.
"Cas, I hope you understand how much you really mean to me." his thoughts leading to all the times he would worry about Cas' safety when he would be gone, or occasionally wouldn't answer his prayers.
"I know Dean it's okay you don't have to say it yet."
"I'm sorry Cas, I Really am. I want to prove to you that my feelings are real, but I can't….not yet." When the shower ends and they are both thoroughly clean, Dean continues by drying off Castiel with a fresh towel. He shows him how to wrap it around his waist to cover himself. , and walks out of the bathroom.
"Alright lets put on some pajamas, and then we can go to sleep, okay Cas?"
"That sounds nice, Dean. Um Dean?" worry lines show on Cas' face.
"What do you need baby?" Dean looks lovingly into Cas' eyes.
"Um when I came out of Purgatory it seems that some of my grace may have faltered and I am weaker than I was before. I don't know when it will come back, so I may have to do more humanly things for a while such as: sleep, eat, and cleanse myself."
"Cas baby, what's wrong."
"Dean, what if I never fully get my powers back. What if something really happened to my grace and I…" Dean cuts him off with a silencing kiss, which Cas returns.
"Cas it's okay, you're alright. No matter what I'm not going anywhere and I am going to take care of you. I'm just sorry I never did any of this before." Cas begins to cry, not of sadness but of relief.
"Can I sleep with you tonight Dean."
"Cas, you can sleep with me anytime you want I was kinda hoping since we are um together now, that would be every night. Is that what you want Cas? Do you want to be with me now?"
"Dean I want you to always be mine from now on and forever."
"Come on baby let's go to sleep." Dean pulls back the blankets pulling Cas into the bed with him.
"What do we do Dean?" Dean chuckles.
"Come here." Dean pulls Cas to him, nuzzling his face into his neck. Cas closes his eyes and almost immediately, his breathing slows into a nice peaceful sleep. Dean can't help but look at his angel; beautiful and broken, sleeping safely in his bed…their bed. Dean kisses Cas' hair smelling the scent of hotel shampoo that actually smells quite nice. He could get used to this. Sleeping every night next to the man, he loves.