Elliot looked at the woman sitting across the table from him. She had her eyes cast downward as she blew gently on the mug she held in her hands. Her dark hair was pulled back, but it was loose, and a few strands fell around her face. He saw a small smile grace her lips, and she lifted her eyes to look up at him through her lashes. She didn't say anything but dropped her eyes as she lifted the mug to take a sip of the aromatic tea. He broke into a smile of his own as the diamond on her finger caught the morning sun, sending a kaleidoscope of sparkling light skittering around the small breakfast alcove.
He was hit with a sudden realization that this could be his life, and he felt a sense of unease at the feelings that had bubbled to the surface during this undercover operation.
Olivia was playing her part to perfection…the newly married housewife who was madly in love with her husband, and the would-be mother, just waiting for a baby.
She was so convincing that he could see this life laid out before him.
Sometimes he imagined what would have happened if he would have met her earlier in life…before Kathy…before the Marines.
He wondered if he would have fallen as hard.
He liked to think things happened for a reason but some days…days like this…with Olivia looking up at him with such a look of utter happiness and contentment…he wishes this could be his reality.
He wonders if she's that great of an actress or if maybe she's feeling the same way.
They've been careful to act like the couple they were pretending to be because they knew they were being watched, but when the lights went out, they were careful to revert to Benson and Stabler. They never talked about lines that had been stretched…the touches…the kisses and the long embraces.
But it was becoming harder with each passing day.
They had been expecting the call any day…an assurance from an unscrupulous lawyer that a baby would be delivered soon.
And just like that, their undercover op would be over.
The thought hit him hard.
He didn't know if he could go back now.
They weren't sleeping together in any sense of the word, but their current arrangement ensured they were sleeping in the same room. They kept the shades drawn in that room, and the lights out, but each morning, the sunlight fought through and illuminated the room slightly. He loved that he usually woke up before her, and he watched as she woke up slowly each morning, fighting the need to get up. He thought it was absolutely adorable, but she'd kill him if he ever made that comment.
Ultimately, she'd give him a small smile as she fully woke, and he was thankful to be able to share those quiet moments each morning.
They'd come downstairs each morning…settle in this sunny nook…and enjoy their morning coffee. There wasn't a lot of chatter…just companionable silence, and it was his favorite part of the day.
"What're you thinking about?" Olivia asked, and he was surprised by her question. Maybe he didn't have as much of a poker face as he thought.
He wondered if he should be honest. His eyes dropped to his coffee as thoughts and emotions churned inside of him, but he bit back the words. He lifted his eyes back to hers and he watched as she stretched out her arm across the table, laying it with the palm side up.
An invitation.
"Liv…" His throat felt constricted as said her name. He saw the small arch of her eyebrow…the only outward sign that she was surprised by the use of her real name. Other than that, she stayed perfectly in character. He reached out and slid the palm of his hand over hers, turning them over until her hand was resting in his. "Do you ever think about…"
Olivia pulled her hand from his as the smile faded from her face.
"Don't."
Elliot realized she knew exactly what he was going to say as soon as he'd started talking, and it made him think that she had harbored similar thoughts in the days they'd been playing house.
It wasn't that neither of them was oblivious to how complicated things were between them prior to this undercover op. Their relationship was based on a complex blend of emotions, bound by a set of unspoken rules.
But the complex had suddenly seemed simple, and it was why he felt compelled to push her now. He reached over and pulled her hand gently back towards him, tangling his fingers with hers, anchoring her hand to the table. He knew she wouldn't pull away…wouldn't risk showing anyone that may be watching that there was any kind of rift between them. "These last few days have been…" He heard a sharp intake of breath from Olivia, and he stopped.
Olivia squeezed his fingers lightly and then tugged her hand from his. She used her loose hand to brush her hair back from her face and smiled as she glanced out the window, resuming her character. She turned back to him slowly, lifting her mug to her lips, perfectly composed. In the moment before she took a sip, she paused and looked over at him. "This is all make believe." She said, her voice barely more than a whisper. "We need to remember that."
Elliot stared at her as she dropped her eyes and took a sip of tea, willing her to just look at him…acknowledge what he was trying to tell her. But she stayed focused on the mug in her hands, taking another sip.
He felt a moment of defeat. He almost believed the words she said…until he saw the tremble of her hand as she lowered her mug to the table.
EOEOEOEO
Olivia made certain that she'd gone upstairs to bed before Elliot. She climbed into bed and pulled the covers up as turned her back to the doorway, hoping she could fool him into believing she was asleep before he climbed into the bed next to hers. She had an irrational fear that he would reach across the slim gap between their two beds, even though he'd never crossed that line over the past few days.
Still…so many former taboos had been crossed off the list now that she didn't know what was going to happen anymore.
They had known they would have to act like a married couple, and all that it implied. She had been nervous, but she thought she'd be able to separate herself from reality. That had been a mistake. She thought she had spent sleepless nights wondering what it would be like to have Elliot kiss her, to feel his hands against her skin, or to hear his heartbeat as he embraced her…but now she knew that knowing was so much worse.
She found that she had to keep reminding herself that this was an undercover op…nothing more. It was Sam kissing Emily. It wasn't real.
Still…there was something about his demeanor today that startled her. They'd tried to make it seem like a normal Saturday, spending time outside on the deck and making themselves appear like any other normal couple. Mowing the lawn…grilling…relaxing with a drink. But Elliot's touches had been more frequent, and he'd been slower to remove his hands from her. He had kissed her more often than necessary and she shivered at the intensity of it all.
She knew in her heart that the reason she had practically raced upstairs after night fell was because she didn't trust herself. There was a part of her that wanted Elliot to sneak up here in the guise of darkness and kiss her…Olivia. Not Emily. Olivia. She wanted him to pull her against his body and listen to his heart beat wildly in his chest as she sank into his heat. She wanted to feel his arms around her…and to hear him whisper in her ear.
But it was wrong. So wrong.
Elliot wasn't meant for her. He missed his family…his wife. He was lost, and even if he reached for her in the dark, she couldn't be sure what she really was to him. He would soon find out that she couldn't fill the void for him, and that she couldn't be the woman he needed her to be.
Olivia heard Elliot's footsteps on the stairs and she desperately tried to control her breathing. She shifted quickly, pulling the blankets more tightly against her, as if it was a shield, and then the door opened, and she could feel his hesitation before he entered the room. She knew he was trying to ascertain if she was really asleep, especially since it had barely been 15 minutes since she'd disappeared, but whatever he decided, he moved quietly as he entered the room.
Olivia stayed incredibly still as she listened to the sounds of him taking off his clothes. The sound of the buckle on his jeans…the whisper of the leather as he pulled it from his jeans. The small noise of exertion that Elliot made as he pulled his t-shirt over his head, and the almost indiscernible sound of his jeans hit the floor. It was quiet for a moment, and she imagined him standing there in his boxer briefs. She didn't know what he was waiting for.
"Liv." He whispered, quiet enough not to wake her but loud enough for her to hear if she was awake. He waited a few beats before he continued. "I know you're not sleeping."
Olivia should have known that she wouldn't be able to fool him, and she heard his soft footsteps as he moved closer to the bed.
"Olivia."
She was surprised by the use of her full name, but she felt vulnerable in that moment and needed to set some boundaries. "It's Emily." She said softly.
Elliot let out a sigh, and she heard him climb into bed. She felt a stab of guilt, but she kept her mouth shut. Saying anything now would be an invitation.
Elliot punched his pillow a couple of times and she imagined him pushing it into a ball before he flopped down in a huff. She could imagine him on his back, with one arm thrown over his head, or laying across his forehead, just as he'd slept the past several nights. He may have been the one staring at her as she woke each morning, but she'd always been the last one to fall asleep.
Olivia could feel his frustration emanating off him in waves and she rolled over on her back, staring up towards the ceiling in the darkness. She let out a long, slow sigh, trying to think of something to say…a safe topic. "This waiting is driving me crazy." She said softly. "I hope we get the call tomorrow."
"Because being here with me is so intolerable?"
Olivia could tell he was trying for humor, but there was an undertone of frustration. "I didn't say that." she said, careful to keep her tone neutral.
"Hmph."
Olivia wasn't quite sure what that was supposed to mean, but she felt the need to clarify. "It's just…" She searched for the right word. "It feels…" Too real. She couldn't finish the sentence.
She felt movement in the bed next to her, but she didn't turn her head.
"You're going to tell me how you're feeling?" Elliot asked, prompting her when she didn't finish.
His voice was louder…she could tell he was closer, and she imagined him on his side, facing her. "You don't think this seems a little strange? Playing the happy, married couple?" She asked.
"What's strange about it?"
The man was exasperating sometimes. He was going to make her say things she didn't want to say, which is exactly why she didn't want to engage with him tonight. She rolled back over on her side, putting her back to him once more. "Never mind."
There was silence, and she thought that maybe he had given up, when she heard his voice.
"I don't think it's strange at all." He said. "I think it's exactly the opposite of strange. I think it feels like the most natural thing in the world."
Olivia swallowed hard, taken aback slightly by his bold statement. Of course, she knew she shouldn't be because she'd had a feeling this was exactly the avenue he had wanted to explore this morning. She needed to shut this down. "Is that why you felt like you could just have your hands on me all day today?"
"You don't want my hands on you, then you just have to say so." Elliot said brusquely, not shutting down as she'd expected. He softened his tone a bit. "But I have to say…we knew when we agreed to this that we were going to have to be…" he hesitated for a moment. "Affectionate." He sighed. "That's what married people do."
Olivia didn't have a retort for that, because she'd known exactly what she signed up for.
Elliot didn't seem to care. He forged ahead, knowing she wasn't going to reply. "Did I worry about kissing you? Hell yes. Did I worry about holding you? Touching you? Yes." He said. "But I have to tell you that I meant what I said. It seemed natural."
Olivia's breath froze in her lungs because she didn't know how to respond to that.
"Can you tell me that you don't feel the same way? That you weren't just a little bit excited about this undercover op and what it meant?"
"No." She said quickly, rolling onto her back again. "Yes." She let out quick sound of exasperation because she didn't even know what question she was answering. "I don't…" She stopped, still staring at the ceiling.
"You don't what?" Elliot asked as she hesitated again.
"I don't want to talk about this." Olivia said. "We just need to get through this undercover op."
"And then?" Elliot asked.
Olivia knew he was wondering if that meant they could talk once it was over, but she couldn't commit to that.
"Liv?"
Olivia didn't say anything right away, biting down on her lip before she said something she wasn't ready to say. She rolled over on her side once more. "It's Emily." She expected another retort…anger…something. But the only thing she heard was as he moved in the bed next to hers and let out a heavy sigh.
Then, silence.
EOEOEOEO
Elliot woke with a start, and then heard pounding on the door. He looked quickly at the clock on the nightstand, and saw it was 6AM. Weak light was filtering into the room through some small gaps in the blinds, and he glanced over at Olivia, noting a look of panic on her face.
"Who the hell is that?" She asked.
"I don't know." Elliot climbed out of bed as another round of knocking started. He grabbed his jeans from the floor and pulled them on quickly, glancing back at Olivia as he grabbed a t-shirt and pulled it over his head. "Stay here." He motioned towards the bed. "Fix the bed."
Elliot rushed down the stairs, knowing Olivia would push the mattresses together and pull up the comforter so it looked like one bed. It was the only telltale sign in the whole house that they weren't who they were pretended to be.
He glanced nervously at the door as he moved quickly towards it, wishing he had a gun in his hand. Right now, the only weapon they had was the knives in the kitchen and a gun hidden in a pot on the deck…and neither were close at hand. Right before he reached for the door, he heard footsteps and he saw Olivia at the top of the stairs. He narrowed his eyes and motioned for her to stay put.
Elliot unlocked the door and pulled it open and saw two men standing on the front steps. They were dressed in jeans with lightweight jackets on, and he could see the bulge of a gun underneath both. He wondered briefly if they really thought they would blend in walking into the neighborhood on a Sunday morning, but maybe they didn't care.
"What took so long?" The taller man said, pushing his way into the house.
"We were sleeping." Elliot said, backing up as they both walked into the living room. Both men were taller and more built than he was, and he panicked at the thought that maybe their cover had been blown and that these two had been sent here to get rid of them. He really wished Olivia had stayed upstairs, and he hoped she had silently slipped back up the stairs when they had pushed themselves inside.
"Where's your wife?" The second man asked.
Elliot didn't answer him directly. "What are you doing here?" He asked. "It's Sunday morning for Chrissakes." He pretended to the outraged suburbanite he was supposed to do. "You come into my home…"
"Where's your wife?" The man asked again. He raised his eyebrow and gave Elliot a strange grin. "She in bed?" He took a step towards the stairs and he felt a moment of panic before he heard Olivia's voice.
"I'm right here."
Elliot watched as she walked down the stairs and he wished she had put some more clothes on. She was wearing some gray leggings and a black tank-top, but both hugged her body and he hated the way both men watched her as she came down the stairs. Olivia must have felt the same way because she crossed her arms over her breasts as her feet it the bottom of the stairs, and she moved over to stand slightly behind Elliot.
"Do you mind telling me what's going on?" Elliot asked again, getting annoyed. He wanted these guys out of the house.
The taller man ignored him as he walked past them both and headed towards the kitchen. The second man stayed in place, starting at both of them. The message was clear…they were to stay put. Elliot took a step to his right so that Olivia was a little more hidden from view because he didn't like how the thugs eyes were wandering.
They both heard cabinets and drawers being opened and closed. Dishes and silverware rattled as he obviously searched through every spot in the kitchen. A full ten minutes had gone by when the man came out of the kitchen, and he didn't pause as he headed towards the stairs. Elliot felt Olivia's fingers dig into the waistband of his jeans, and he wished he could say something to her. But there was nothing they could do about it now. They had rehearsed a story about two mattresses pushed together that had to do with sleeping light and movement and he didn't know if anyone would buy it but he hoped it wouldn't come to that.
"Why are you doing this?" Olivia asked. "What are you searching for?"
Elliot thought she did a good job of sounding like a startled housewife, but he shouldn't have been surprised with the award-winning performance she'd given him when he tried to talk to her the day before. She needed have wasted her energy, because she didn't get any answers either.
They both listened as the man ransacked their bedroom and bathroom, walked down the hall to the baby's room, and then hit the extra bathroom upstairs. At least twenty minutes had gone by before he came thundering back down the stairs. He nodded at his cohort, who started his own search of their living room, and then he walked closer to them. He stopped a few feet away, and Elliot found he was holding his breath, nervous that he'd found something, even though there was nothing to find.
"Baby is on it's way." The man said, his tone gruff.
Elliot didn't know if that meant the mother was in labor, or had already been born, but he knew the man wasn't going to provide any clarification if he asked. He felt Olivia's fingers dig into his skin, so he asked anyway. "When can we…"
The man cut him off. "You'll be contacted when the baby's been born."
The other man had finished his search, and Elliot assumed that they had passed whatever inspection had been done. Otherwise he imagined they wouldn't be standing here. Neither man said anything as they headed towards the door, but the moment it was closed behind them, Elliot rushed over and locked it.
He let out a huge sigh of relief as he turned, and he saw Olivia with a similar look on her face. "I guess we passed." He said.
Olivia nodded. "I guess so."
"This is almost over." Elliot said.
"Yeah." Olivia nodded again as they both stood there awkwardly. The conversation from the night before was running through her mind, and she knew it was on his mind as well. She hadn't had nearly enough sleep to deal with this in the light of day and cursed the thugs that had woken them up. "I think I'm going to go back to bed." She said, trying to cut off any conversation he may want to start.
Elliot opened his mouth to say something when a shrill ring reverberated throughout the quiet room. He watched Olivia jump, and it took until the second ring before they realized it was the telephone. Elliot walked around Olivia and headed towards the kitchen and grabbed the receiver. "Yeah." He said, feeling adrenaline coursing through his body once again.
"Mr. Greene?"
"Yes." Elliot answered to his fake name.
"Mr. Jackson."
Elliot knew that probably wasn't the lawyer's real name, but he didn't say a word.
"I just wanted to let you know that we're close. Very close. We'll be contacting you in the next day or so, so be prepared to get your affairs in order."
Elliot looked over at Olivia as she moved closer to him, trying to hear what was being said on the phone.
"Stay by the phone." Jackson said, and then he hung up.
Olivia took a step back with a question on her face.
"Jackson was careful on the phone, but we're definitely close. He wants to make sure we have his money so we're ready when the baby's born."
"We need to get everything in place. Diapers…formula…" Olivia knew Elliot knew she was talking on code. They needed to let Cragen know that the time was soon, so they could be ready to arrest them as soon as the baby was delivered. "Maybe we can have brunch and then pick up a few things." They couldn't call from the house, so they needed to go someplace public.
Elliot nodded and looked at the clock. It was hard to believe, but it was only 6:30AM. "We may have to wait a few hours."
"I'm going back to bed." Olivia said. She could see Elliot was going to say something else, but she nipped it in the bud. "Night Sam."
EOEOEOEO
Olivia woke slowly, her mind foggy with sleep. "Hmmm." She rolled over slightly and realized Elliot was laying on his side with just a small space between them. His hand was on her upper arm, and he was rubbing his thumb against her bare skin.
"Time to wake up." He whispered.
"I'm awake." Olivia said, shrugging her shoulder. Elliot got the message and dropped his hand. Olivia breathed in and out deeply as she let her eyes slip closed again. "What time is it?" she asked groggily.
"7:30."
Olivia groaned and rolled back onto her stomach, burying her face into her pillow. "I told you to give me a couple of hours."
"Cragen called."
Olivia didn't answer, knowing that she wasn't going to get any more sleep. She kept her eyes closed, stealing any moments she could before Elliot told her the latest.
"It's over." Elliot said abruptly.
Olivia's eyes flew open.
"Fin and Munch were covering one of the guys that paid us a visit this morning. Followed them here and then those dumb asses led them right to the clinic where they were holed up. They were able to surprise them and arrested them and three other men. Found four mothers in various stages of late pregnancy…got them all out. They're arresting Jackson now, and they think they have the name of the man in charge. Their tracking him now."
"Just like that." Olivia said.
"Just like that." Elliot said.
"It seems so…" Olivia had expected a lot more drama… a dangerous handoff and exchange. She had expected to be there with they arrested the men responsible. "Anti-climactic I guess." She rolled over on to her back and saw Elliot back up to give her space.
"Yeah." He rolled over onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. "I guess this was better for everyone though. No one got hurt, and those mothers are going to be OK."
"You're right." Olivia said.
Silence permeated the room as they both lay in silence for a few minutes. The blinds kept out the majority of the morning light, and Olivia appreciated the darkness in the room. She let her eyes drift close, wondering when they were going to have to get up and leave. She was still so tired and wasn't ready to head into the precinct and start all the paperwork that was going to be required.
"Cragen said to take a few hours. Come in around noon."
Olivia smiled at how Elliot had read her mind. He knew her too well. "Hmmm." She mumbled, already feeling herself drift off.
"It's going to be strange."
"Hmm?" Olivia hummed her question.
"It's going to be strange to go home to my empty apartment." Elliot said. "Despite the facts of the case, it's been nice playing house."
That got Olivia's attention and she opened her eyes. She felt Elliot's arm brush hers, and then she felt his hand on hers, fingering the ring on her left hand. She didn't move a muscle, almost holding her breath.
"I know you didn't want to talk about this…"
"I don't." Olivia said quickly. She resisted the urge to pull her hand from his though…her entire body tensed in anticipation of what he might do.
Elliot knew that once they left this place, it would all be over. There had been a lot of down time… a lot of time to think. He knew Olivia had to, but he had to figure out a way to push past her resistance. "Once we leave here…"
Olivia pulled her hand from his. "Everything will go back to normal."
"Is that what you want?" Elliot asked, not wanting to hear the answer.
"It's not about what I want." Olivia said, being as honest as she could.
"What?" Her statement made no sense to him. "I don't know what that means."
Olivia turned her head, stealing a glance at Elliot. He rolled over on his side to face her, and she turned her eyes back towards the ceiling.
"Look at me." Elliot demanded. He softened his tone. "Please."
Olivia turned her head and looked into his eyes. "Just leave it alone Elliot." She whispered.
"Why?" He asked. "We both know…"
"No." Olivia said, cutting him off.
She saw his eyes searching hers, and she braced herself for whatever was coming next. But in the next moment, he broke eye contact with her and fell back onto the bed with a sigh.
"You're wrong Liv." He said, resignation in his voice. "Whatever you're thinking…you're wrong."
Olivia wanted to tell him that he had no idea what she was thinking, but she didn't. Because there was a good chance he did know.
"There are no guarantees in life." Elliot continued. "Sometimes you just have to say what the fuck. Take a chance."
"I can't." Olivia choked out. "I can't take a chance…"
"Why?" Elliot asked earnestly. "Just tell me why."
"I can't lose you." She rolled over and propped herself up on her arm, looking at him directly. "When things don't work out like you imagined…" She shook her head. "I don't want to lose you."
"Why do you assume it's not going to work?"
"You just said yourself…take a chance. You're not sure yourself." Olivia shot back at him.
"That's not what I meant."
He reached over and brushed her hair back, and Olivia shrank back slightly at his touch.
"Liv…"
Olivia saw the look of defeat on his face, and she felt a crushing disappointment flush through her. She had no one to blame but herself, but she knew she couldn't break now.
"OK." Elliot said. "I'm not going to push you." He said. "But…"
He stopped and seemed to consider what he was going to say. Olivia narrowed her eyes slightly as he seemed to struggle with his thoughts. Finally, he lifted his eyes back to hers.
"Can I…I mean…we're never going to have a time like this…
Olivia furrowed her brows, not understanding where this was going.
"Can I just kiss you? As Olivia. Not Emily. Olivia." He must have seen the surprise on her face. "Just one kiss."
Olivia parted her lips slightly, prepared to say no. But she realized that she wanted this. This one selfish moment. She nodded slightly, and saw that Elliot was surprised that she'd agreed. He shifted slightly, moving his body just a little closer to hers. He ran his fingers lightly down the side of her cheek, and Olivia could feel the slight tremble in his hand. Even though he had already kissed her, for some reason, this felt different. She wasn't Emily…this wasn't make-believe any more. Elliot's stare was intense, and she was mesmerized by the way he was looking at her…the look was reverent…soulful…and she couldn't look away.
She closed her eyes as he moved towards her, and when his lips touched hers, she melted against him, even though her mind was screaming at her to do the exact opposite. Olivia shut down those voices. If she was only going to get to kiss Elliot one more time, it was going to be a kiss to remember. Something she could pull from her memory…relish…relive…when the nights got to be too long.
She trailed her fingers around the back of his neck and pulled him closer, tilting her head to deepen the kiss. Olivia bit back a moan, getting lost in the feeling of his lips against hers. She realized that she didn't want it to end, and she cursed her own weakness. But she didn't object when Elliot pulled at her arm, cupping the back of her head and lowering her down on the bed until her head met the pillow.
Elliot shifted his body closer to hers and she snaked her arm back around his neck, ensuring they never broke their kiss. She slid her tongue inside his mouth, and she heard a sound come from deep inside of Elliot. It sent a flush of want through her body, and she realized then that she'd made a mistake.
This thing between them was intense…dangerous.
She didn't want to stop. She didn't want to walk away. She didn't want to play it safe.
It scared her how easily she had broken.
She pushed at Elliot's chest and tore her mouth from his, turning her head. His nose bumped her cheek, and then he kissed his way down her jaw until he was whispering in her ear.
"Don't push me away." He nuzzled her ear. "Tell me that you want this." He placed small kisses on her cheek and jawline. "That you want to give us a chance."
Olivia was breathing heavily, and she willed herself to tell him that she didn't want him…that she was no good for him. His words came back to her. Whatever you're thinking, you're wrong. She turned back towards him and he lifted his head until he was looking back down at her.
"What if we can't…"
Elliot cut her off. "What if we can?"
Olivia could see the earnestness in his eyes, and it gave her hope.
"We've wasted so much time Liv. So much time. And being here, with you, I realized that this could be our life. We could wake up every morning, just like this. We don't have to go home to an empty apartment or try to figure out how we're going to fill our weekends. Tell me you can see how wonderful that could be."
Olivia looked back and forth between his eyes; they were imploring her to believe in them. She wanted to push past her own fear and uncertainty; she wanted to believe that what they had to gain was so much more than what they would have to sacrifice, or what they had to lose.
Elliot bowed his head, and she could see defeat in his demeanor, but then he was buried his face in her neck again. "I love you." He whispered, ever so softly.
Olivia's heart skipped a beat as the reality of what he'd said really sunk in. "That's not fair." She whispered, feeling a rush of emotion as her heart and mind gave her permission to give in to him.
Elliot lifted his head and looked down at her. "All's fair…"
Olivia reached up and coated his cheek with her right hand, giving him a small smile. "Shut up and kiss me."