This plot is set between New moon when Bella has is waiting for her motorcycles to get complete.
We were sitting in the Jacob's garage, of Jacob's house, he was busy with my bikes whereas I was passing him the instruments he needed for that.
We were talking and having fun with me sitting on a tire, and he trying to solve the problem of some wires.
This place had sort of become my refuge, where I do not have to think about... him. Where I do not have to dwell on the thoughts of him... leaving me. This was a magic place for me. Just like... his meadow.
Just by thinking about this I clutch myself harder, trying to protect myself from the heart throbbing pain that was about to come.
But this was what I liked about this place the most. This place never let me dissolve myself in my thoughts, in my protective bubble.
Or was it the company of Jacob?
I passed the pliers to him as Jake again disconnected the wrong wires. He have tried to attach the proper wire but every time he did, the engine did not start. Finally he gave up, saying "I'll have to discuss it with Quil. He knows about it." But his voice sounded off.
I wished I knew something about all this bikes stuff so that I could tutor him or help him. Just like he used to...
It is so much to bear. The pain.
Sometimes I wonder why do I endure so much pain? Why can't I let him go, just like he wanted me to do, forget him.
I try not to think about him, and...
"Bella! Bells!" I heard a panicked voice, but it was not smooth like velvet, not that I expected to hear that voice. I have lost that voice forever. That honey-sweet voice was never going to console me again. This voice was rough, which was laced with anxiety, for what? "What happen Bella? Are you all right?"
I shook my head to clear these thoughts and look at the blurred image in front of me. It was of Jake, not of an extremely handsome and gorgeous boy with extremely pale white skin. Jake's face was looking so sad, as if he was near to a hysteria attack. I could feel his hot hands on mine, holding something which was shaking wildly, and I could also hear someone gasping for air.
Who is this one who is gasping for air like this?
"Bella?" Jacob called again, this time he was kneeling in front of me, his greasy hands on my shoulders. "Are you all right? Should I bring some water?"
I look at him puzzled. Why was he holding me like I was going into a frenzy attack? I blinked my eyes again and tried to ask him, "What happen?" but my voice came in barely a whisper, and then I heard it in my voice. It felt hollow, just like I was feeling, just like I was nowadays. Then I realized that it was me who was gasping for air. My lungs felt hollow, as if they had to take air in a vacuum place. Then I finally looked down at his hands and saw that my arms were holding my torso very tightly, and my knees helped my hands, to not let my body shake with the sobs which were building inside me.
To not let any other break down reach me.
"Bella? Talk to me? Do you need to rest?
"No." I shook my head. "I am fine. Just don't feel like being in this garage anymore for now. Maybe we could use a break and then you can solve this problem of yours." It was half truth. I just needed some time to bring my mind back in its nothingness, to not let it think anything. "Can we watch the telly?"
"Sure." He agreed eagerly and together we went inside his house. Billy was not here today. He had gone with Harry Clearwater for Harry's some medical check-up.
I sat on the old couch while Jacob switched the telly on and gave me the remote as he went inside to bring something to eat. Anything to help me. "Go ahead and select whatever you want to see."
Sometimes I think that I am ditching Jacob, by making him work on those motorcycles, just to witness the best hallucination I had ever had the last Friday, to hear that perfect voice which assured me that he cared for me. I didn't even know if I would be able to hear that velvety honey voice ever again, but I cannot lose the hope. It was all I had. A small ray of hope that assured me that I will have the hallucinations of my subconscious mind again.
Jacob didn't know about that, and I was happy about it. I didn't want him to doubt on my sanity, but I myself knew that I was going insane, but I was ready for that.
Jake was so good, so selfless, and here was I. A selfless monster who is clinging to her past, using her best friend for a voice which I wasn't sure I will ever hear again...
"Thanks." Then I tried to switch between channels, not seeing anything, but not letting my mind think anything other than the things which were being played in front of me.
It was all because I let my mind wander to that formidable zone, where it should never go. I knew I should not let my mind go in that zone, but still I let it. Now I have to endure its consequences.
Many shows were running, but nothing seemed appropriate.
Why does all the shows have to play romance and that to involve maximum kissing?
Romance was forever out of my life, and so I switched to something different, but everywhere it was just romance or snogging.
I could feel Jacob getting a little frustrated by my constant changing of channels, or was it frustration towards something other, I don't know. I asked him if he wanted to play anything but he declined the offer. So I finally decided on playing cartoon. At least it was the place where romance could never bug me.
But no! They were playing Rapunzel.
Shouldn't cartoon channels play some comedy stuff?
"Nothing good is coming!" I muttered with a frown. Jake looked at me with a puzzled look, which I couldn't place properly. "What?"
"Nothing. I was just wondering that I was wrong about every girl liking fairy tales." I laughed at his comment, because once it was true. I always loved these fairy tales, where they show the true love. Love which I always wished I get one-day, and then one day... No! I cannot go to that zone. Not twice in a day.
His face looked puzzled as if I was saying something alien. "What? You really don't like these fairy tales?" I shook my head, as for now it was true. "My sisters never used to let me see anything else as they always wanted to see these movies and dad always sided with them."
"I'll complain to Billy for treating you with partiality." I joked.
"No. Not needed. After all I am the only one who gets to watch the telly now. They both are not coming back in the near future." His tone was acerbic, full of grief. "Not at all?" I mumbled. Just like...
Don't go! I ordered my nothingness.
He sighed with a shrug. "I don't know! Billy asked them to come and pay him a visit, but they both are making some excuses such as family issues, or flight rates or college problems. But I know it better. They both always hated this place and never want to come back here."
"Never?" I asked, my insides shrieking with that word. How was it possible that even a word which I have repeated in my mind since the end still hurt me that my lungs felt hollow.
"Um-hmm." He mumbled incoherently as he tried to concentrate on the channels which I was shifting too rapidly. "After some time he stopped forcing. They talk with us regularly, but never pay a visit. And I can't blame them. If I would have also got a chance, I would have left this rainy place too."
I don't know why but the thought of Jacob leaving this place haunted me. Because, I guess, he was my personal sun in this dark, the one who held me to reality. But the thought of him leaving me, just like he did... Jacob saw my body shudder, but he took it in wrong way. My body shuddered, but not due to him. It was due to a formidable thought, but I couldn't say that to him. Not if I want him to question my sanity. "But I will not go." He assured me. I smiled at that, really grateful that he was there for me.
But I also knew that one day he will get bore of me, just like... Just like they all did... He did. After all, who wants to be friends with me, the one who is never interesting, the one who always keep sulking in her past, and never want to recall the best moments of her life, and most importantly, not forget it.
We both were silent the only voice coning from the different channels I was changing. "Bella? What happen back there? One moment you were fine, and the other you were shaking?" He asked after a minute.
"Nothing." I mumbled, my cheeks, which once used to get heated at my lies, not heating up anymore. "It was just a terri..." How come his thoughts become terrifying to me? They were the best moments of my life! I shook my head. "just thinking about some stuff." I mumbled and looked around, anywhere else to escape Jacob's calculating eyes.
He sighed and remained silent for a few minutes. Which was good because I needed this time to compose myself.
Then Jacob sighed and changed the topic. "Why don't you like fairy tales?"
"I used to like them, but not anymore." I mumbled, more to myself. Because sometimes the prince never comes, and if he does, he will not take you with him... "Because not every ending is as pretty as told in them." I explained. There was a time when even I lived in a fairy tale, where I had a prince, but now no more. (I try very hard not to hold myself together. And it was a little easy as Jacob sensed the coming tension in my body and pit his hand above me.) He will never be my prince again. He would have find any other girl, or rather vampire, for himself.
Till now I was trying very hard to think about that word, since these all months, but today it slipped from my mind leaving me breathless.
But my train of thought did not end at that. It was desperate to go in that formidable zone.
Someone who is as beautiful as him. Someone who could be deserving of his love and attention. Someone who is not as plain and as boring like me. Someone who knows how to not be pathetic and linger on the faint hope that he will come back, because I knew I was giving myself a small ray of faint hope. A ray of hope which will disappear in no time, leaving me with nothing but the darkness. A ray of hope which will shatter me to no end.
This train of though made my whole body shudder. I was at the verge of breaking down. If it wasn't for Jacob who sensed my body tensing on its own accord and who held me in his arms, engulfing me tightly to not let me break, I would have surely cried my heart out.
But I know better. Crying would just let me get myself in more misery. Because the pain I was in cannot be taken by anyone else.
"You are right." Jacob agreed without any arguments. "There are no pretty endings, but it doesn't means that there never will be any." Why did it seemed that Jake was not talking about the movie but someone else. "It just means that something big is waiting for you. Someone who will be worth it, worth of the princess, who will be waiting by the balcony, waiting for her man to come and take her."
I shook my head. "Not every time. Sometimes, the heart is broken to that extent that no one could stitch it back. That no other person could take the place of the void."
He shook his head. "But sometimes, you have to let them do their work. Sometimes you are not just stubborn enough that you think you will never outcome the pain, never willing for the mends, and deal with the misery itself, not let anyone collect the pieces and rebuilt them."
"That's the point about all this. The pieces are so broken that it is almost impossible to attach them. To make it new."
"Sometimes you just have to let them try."
"But it will not work." I know it cannot work. "Not everyone here is Snow White, that one day a prince comes and kisses her and wakes her up from a curse."
"That's the best part of fairy tales. They are predictable."
"But our life is not." I completed with a sigh.
When did we went from discussing fairy tales to discussing life psychology?But it was the best part of my nothingness. You can never know what happened if you don't want to. Where you don't feel the pain, so there is not need to endure it.
We were quiet for some time then. The only voice coming from the cooking show which I had turned on the television when Jacob had let me find some solace in his embrace. Suddenly I felt Jake shift on the couch and turn towards me. "Do you remember the Prince in 'Romeo And Juliet'?" Jacob asked abruptly.
"Yeah!" I mumbled absent-mindly. I didn't want to recall that. It was the movie I was watching that day, on my birthday, with... I tried very hard to not let my nothingness slip out of my control. To not let my mind travel to those moments which used to be the most amazing ones one day.
"When Romeo dies, Juliet is broken too. But Paris is always with her. Even in her bad times." He repeated the story I knew by heart in an another part of my life. The part I don't want to think about.
"But Paris never took place of Romeo in her life."
"Because Prince didn't want to. He just wanted to fill that void in Juliet's life. He never wanted to take his place."
I kept my eyes on the television. "So that's how you make Italian Braciole." Announced the host of the cooking show, announcing the end of today's episode.
"I guess, I should leave too." I mumbled. Half to escape his scrutinizing eyes, and half to keep myself busy from my memories.
His face showed shock as if what we had discussed have hurt me. "But we can still work in the garage. Quil will be coming in no time." He protested.
"I will meet him some another day." When I will be a little better than now. I muttered, with no emotion. That was how I needed to be. Emotionless. To keep those memories at bay. To not let them over-power me. "Besides, I am planning to prepare this Braciole for Charlie. It will need some time for the preparations." I looked at the clock beside the television. It was three thirty in the noon.
I knew I was making up some excuse, and I also knew that Jake understood that.
I didn't wait for Jacob to say anything. I took my bag and was out of the house in the rain. It was just a drizzle, but still enough to make you wet in no time.
I went to my truck in a not so fluid walk, not caring even a little about my clumsiness, not caring about getting wet, not caring about anything. Caring about myself means to think, and I cannot afford that. To think. That was the only way I could function now. Without thinking. Just let my body work in a robotic manner.
When I drove to my home, I just kept thinking about the calculus problems I had done today in school. I knew it was useless, I mean, who tries to study Calculus all the time. But it was important for me. Calculus was the only one thing which held me tightly to the ground.
Once at home, I did prepare for Braciole, not once thinking about the conversation between Jake and I.
I did not ponder on the question that why it seemed Jacob was all serious about our talk, and not that curious. I did not ponder on the thoughts what Jacob meant by those words. I also did not think about what he was referring to by mentioning Paris. That what I did, just kept myself busy.
When Charlie came home, the first thing he did was to keep his gun aside and remove his bullets. The habit which he had again picked up since this October.
"How was your day, Bella?" He asked a little curiously, and more with the hope that today he gets a different answer.
Ever since the October, he has picked up a habit of asking me this question every time he came from office. Till January I told him the same answer, 'It was good' but nothing else. I didn't do anything to answer that question properly. Ever since hanging out with Jake, my answers were different once a week. A cannot tell him about spending my time on my motorcycle, trying to rebuilt it, so I said "It was good. He worked on his car." I have been giving him the same answer since the previous Saturday.
He nodded to himself and I knew the topic was over.
I fed Charlie just like a good girl. He appreciated me for making the Braciole but I couldn't smile at his appreciation. I even answered him when he inquired me. Saw the football match he was watching. I let him think that I was okay. That I was not grieving. It was difficult to let myself involve in any conversation, but anyhow I did. I even tried to smiled a little, but I hoped that Charlie sees it as a real smile and not as a grimace, because I knew it was something like that only.
Not letting Charlie in my pain was worth enduring this much pain.
Jacob even called me to ask if I was fine, and I told him I was. It was not his fault that I was having a break down of my own.
All was going well. Charlie was happy that I was spending some time with Jacob. Jake was happy that I was better. And I was happy, though very minutely, that people around me were happy. Till I was awake I was able to hold onto my nothingness. To hold those in the farthest corner of my mind, from where I knew they would not escape so easily.
It was during midnight, when I wasn't able to sleep and once my eyes closed, I was back in those empty woods – trying to find the person I knew I will never see again – when I tried to muffle my screams of despair and heartbreak by the pillow, hoping that Charlie doesn't hears this.
I know that this chapter is somewhat very dark, but here I gave tried to show how Bella adjusted herself in her dark times.