John Carpenter's Bizarre Adventure
Prologue
John Carpenter was jizzing bricks when a black man caught a jizz brick with his feet and threw it into the nearest payphone 5 miles away.
"Yo what the fuck, I'm a Slurpee® get outta here."
The black man was none other than Gabriel, architect of the Gaytrix and dealer of pills. "You bought a red pill from me when you wrote the script for the 1988 classic film, They Live. Stop, stop jerking off dude I'm talking to you."
"I'm 71 years old yet I can jizz solid cubes. I'm afraid if I get any older my sex drive will die and I've been on nofap since the 80's so these cubes are 30 years worth of cum."
"Well, I did show you how deep my asshole goes 30 years ago."
"Yeah and that's exactly why I've avoided you and masturbation since, and now my cock is a fucking Slurpee® Dispenser™"
Gabriel pulled out dual 45 caliber handguns from his diaper and wrapped John in a hug while shooting behind him.
"The Gaytrix needs you and your penis to defeat the global conspiracy destroying the planet, they already are coming for us, please, enter my asshole."
"Hey fuckface while other people instagram their food you instagram your poop as a deep social commentary or some shit bitch you are the most pretentious pseudointellectual-"
Gabriel didn't have time for this so he front flipped his diaper off and shoved John in. "Hm. So this is the Gaytrix, looks different." Surrounding him was the old fetish crew of his youth, with some new youngsters taking the place of the dead celebrities. Jaden Smith (taking the place of Michael Jackson) gasped in awe.
"It's him, the Fetish King."
"Of course Gabriel would choose you. Are all of the new Fetish Friends chosen by Gabriel and have just as much of an inflated ego?"
"He didn't chose him, I did." Arnold Schwarzenegger spun his 1887 Winchester shotgun and threw John a pair of sunglasses. "You are going to need one of these to see-"
"I know faggot I made the damn movie." John put them on and could see the sexual desires of all the Fetish Friends. "So same as before, the Illuminazis?"
Adam Sandler sighed. "Yes, but this time they converted impressionable young men with memes to join them, the type that would give up a loving relationship with friends and family for a small funny group of internet racists."
"Right." John took a seat and stroked his dick some more. "Tell me when Gabe reached the destination, until then let's fuck."
Gabriel was tearing through waves of Illuminazis as he knew how important it was to get the Fetish Friends to the Bohemian Grove, the sun set on him as the Gaytrix glowed from his diaper. He smiled. Just like old times.