Nico knew he was done for. He was kneeling on the ground, surrounded by monsters of every shape and size, all of them undoubtedly eager to tear him apart and drink in his terrified screams. The hot air of Tartarus burned his lungs and made his eyes water, mingling with the tears already streaming down his face. His entire body was covered in open wounds from the endless near-death encounters he had endured; everything hurt so much that he almost just wanted to lay curl up and die right there.
It occurred to him that he could, right there, if he wanted to. Just surrender to the terrors surrounding him and let himself be ripped to pieces. It was an unexpectedly sweet thought.
He had been walking across the desolate pit for days and it had sent sharp bursts of pain through his body at every step, but back then, he had blocked the sensation out through the sheer force of his determination. Now, though, he had forgotten what his mission even was. Blood poured out of a cut on his forehead and it was beginning to obscure the vision in his right eye, but he was so fatigued that he couldn't even muster the energy to lift his arm and wipe it away. His mind was slow, sluggish, any conscious thought muffled by blood loss and pain.
He just wanted it to be over. It vaguely occurred to him that this was selfish but he couldn't think of why. "I just want to die," swirled around his mind like water down a drain, uncontrollable now that it had occurred to him. "I just want to die. I just want to die. I just want to die. I just want to-"
The hellish landscape around him morphed into a smooth, cold wall that circled his battered body and enclosed him in darkness. He could hear the voices of the two giants from outside his prison mocking him, calling him a 'puny demigod', planning to kill his friends as soon as they arrived. He shuddered—not just from the cold surface of the jar, but out of fear for his friends and for himself.
The air was getting stale so quickly, and Nico realized with terror that if he did not act soon, he would asphyxiate before the seven could even get to him.
"Is that so bad?" he asked himself. "You're pretty much dead already. Tartarus fucked you up, so it wouldn't be so hard to just—"
He shook his head, the exertion of it causing his frail, tired body to ache. "I need to stay alive for Percy and the others," he thought (yes, that was his mission, more prominent in his mind now that he was not in Tartarus) but the darker half of his mind still whispered to him, saying "They don't need you, they would be better off without you, just let yourself die…" - Nico desperately wanted to give in to it but he held himself back.
An idea occurred to him then, and he reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of small, blood-red pomegranate seeds—a salvation, a lifeline that could just barely sustain him long enough to give Percy time to find him. He was sure Percy would come for him.
He wasn't really sure at all, but he tried to ignore that feeling.
As he was reaching up to put one in his mouth, the scenery changed again and suddenly he found himself in a foot of snow on the edge of an icy cliff, watching Percy fight the monster who had masqueraded as the headmaster of the school he and his sister had briefly attended after leaving the Lotus Casino. Percy had saved them, pulled him and Bianca out of the school and into the world of the Olympians.
He was everything Nico had dreamed of as a child—a true hero, who fought monsters and saved people and always did the right thing. Nico felt butterflies in his stomach watching him fight, but as he stood up to run to him, the scene changed yet again.
Percy was no longer fighting a manticore. Instead, he stood at the dining pavilion at Camp Half-Blood, looking at Nico with pity in his eyes as he told him that the person Nico loved most was dead.
"I hate you!" The words came out of him in spite of himself, even though they couldn't be further from the truth. He was so, so afraid, and all these feelings were so new and raw and he wanted to cry and scream and—
He fell to his knees and found himself at the foot of Cupid, who looked down on him with a stern but sympathetic gaze that made Nico sick. "I wouldn't say Love always makes you happy. Sometimes it makes you incredibly sad."
Cupid's words rang in Nico's ears as he jolted awake, panting and drenched in sweat. The memories in his dream flashed before his eyes as he blinked to try and adjust himself to the light.
Light…where was the light coming from? As Nico grew more aware of his surroundings, he realized he was still in the infirmary. Will Solace, his annoyingly ever-present doctor, was standing over his bed, holding a flashlight in one hand and gripping his hand tightly with the other. With a shudder, Nico noted that his expression nearly echoed the one Percy had given him in his dream.
"Nico! Are you ok? Did you have a nightmare?" Will sounded fairly panicked, and his grip on Nico's hand tightened, which did nothing to calm Nico's pounding heart and racing mind.
Nico took a few deep, shuddering breaths, acutely aware of the sensation of Will's calloused hand on his own.
"I'm fine, Will. Thanks for your concern, though." His voice quavered ever so slightly, and Will narrowed his eyes.
"Well, you sure didn't seem fine a few minutes ago. You were literally screaming, Nico. I tried to touch you but you were turning to shadows and fading away! Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"
He couldn't. He couldn't talk about everything he had been through with Will, who didn't know anything about him, who would be better off knowing nothing about him. "I'm sure."
"Nico, I don't think that's a good idea! My job is to make sure you don't phase out of existence and I know it really helps to talk about your dreams, especially for demigods-"
Nico pulled his hand away and shook his head firmly. "It's none of your business, Will. Can you let me get back to sleep now?" Nico's heart was still pounding, and he could feel drops of cold sweat sliding down his forehead. Will stepped back and regarded Nico for a moment with his hands on his hips. Nico found himself shrinking under his stern gaze, and he broke eye contact to look away, towards the window. The curtain was slightly pulled back to reveal that it was still the middle of the night. An impenetrable darkness surrounded the infirmary, held off only by Will's flashlight and a subtle glow that seemed to be radiating from his skin. Nico vaguely wondered if he always did that. He had never noticed before.
He was torn out of his train of thought when Will said quietly, "You can't keep doing this, you know." Nico almost groaned with exasperation. He knew what was coming, since he had heard the same speech what felt like a million times before, from multiple different people.
"Yeah, I know you're tired of me, but this is really important!" Will chided. "You can't keep pushing people away, Nico. It's not healthy for you; and besides, you act like nobody cares about you but I know for a fact that they do and-"
"Will, for the last time," Nico cut him off mid-sentence, not in the mood for a lecture that he couldn't bring himself to believe, "Would you please leave me alone and let me go back to sleep." His voice was cold and harsh, but he still couldn't look Will in the eyes. All he wanted was to be alone and for Will to stop prying into his private feelings and experiences.
Will looked hurt, but unsurprised. "I care about you, Nico. It hurts me to see you like this."
Nico desperately wanted to yell Why? What reason do you have to care? But Will was already turning to leave the room, although he seemed hesitant to do so.
When he reached the door he turned and looked once more at Nico. "If you need anything…if you need anything, just call for me, ok?"
"Yeah, ok." Nico said, feigning nonchalance. He laid back down and rolled over so that his back faced the door. He couldn't see Will, but he could imagine him watching Nico lie down, wanting to say more, poised on the brink of the doorway in between staying and going. He chose to go, closing the door gently behind him, and afterwards Nico almost regretted sending him away because now the room was empty and all he had were himself and his mind, which was still in turmoil from his dream. Suddenly the darkness seemed too thick and heavy, weighing painfully down on his chest now that Will had left with all the light.
It was only his first night in the infirmary after he had made the three-day deal with Will, and he already wanted to leave. He was beginning to regret ever agreeing to stay in the camp in the first place, especially since he had had the crazy idea to announce his sexuality to Percy and Annabeth, something that he had sworn to himself he would keep secret. He didn't know what he had been thinking at the time, but now that he had time to think he knew it would only bring bad news in the future. He didn't need yet another reason for people at camp to hate him.
Nico knew how it would work, it had happened before. People would welcome him at first, celebrating him as a hero of the war. Eventually, though, his victory would fade out of their minds and he would go back to being the camp loner, ignored and even feared. He knew first hand; after the Battle of Manhattan, all those years ago, it had seemed like he could finally find a place in the camp despite his powers. He should have known it would never last.
A thin beam of moonlight shined through the half-open curtain, falling on the covers of Nico's bed. Nico lifted a hand to it absentmindedly, letting the light hit his fingers. It shone directly through them, passing through his hand like it wasn't even there. Nico pulled his arm back and clenched his fist, digging his fingernails into his palm to remind himself that he was real, that he existed.
Maybe it would be better for everyone, myself included, if I just didn't exist, he found himself thinking.
With that thought in his mind, he shifted so he was fully under the covers and closed his eyes, trying to ignore the visions of Tartarus that flashed on his eyelids. I just want to sleep, he mentally begged whatever god might be listening. Please just let me sleep.
As he faded into unconsciousness, he thought "it's going to be a long three days."
This is my first PJO fic, and I really appreciate reviews! I was kind of annoyed at how Blood of Olympus treated Nico in the end, because his problems can't just be romanced away in some bs insta-fix ending. I wanted to write Nico's physical and mental recovery my way, so here I go! I plan to update this semi-regularly. Expect many more chapters to come.