Ok so this is not historically accurate. This is what would have happened if the HMS Victory sank at Trafalgar... also sailors do not always dress up like ladies of the night.. apologies to any sailors out there. Also Nelson was a hero, not a crossdresser... so apologies for offending any heroes or crossdressers as I have nothing against either.
Listen to Dandy in the Underworld by Adam Ant (or T Rex)
Battle of Trafalgar 1805
On board the HMS Victory at the battle of Trafalgar Lieutenant Kirkland looked through his telescope to behold the French ships in the distance. There were much more than he was expecting and he looked defeated already, having said that he was still going to fight them. Something to do with the boss wanting to strengthen the Empire… either way he was doomed.
"I see forty ships sir, approaching from the south." He said and looked again. "I think we are going to be in the middle of some French onslaught…"
Admiral Nelson sat at his writing desk as Arthur gazed out of the huge window at the back of the ship. "Is that right England?" he uttered, as he took the telescope from him and held it to his eye patched eye. "I see no ships…" he said with a frown.
Arthur took the telescope and held it to his other eye and sighed. "Now do you see them?"
"GREAT SCOTT!" screamed Nelson… "Shoot! Fire! Man the lifeboats…. Aaargh!"
"Might I suggest raising a flag up the mizzen sir…" Arthur interrupted his panic attack. He stopped panicking immediately.
"Quite right lieutenant Kirkland… raise a few flags up the mizzen… what message should they portray?"
"Hmm…" uttered Arthur. "No idea sir… but a message of hope or something…"
"What do you expect England…Sir?"
"Oh… defeat… that many ships… that's far too many we're going to be slaughtered…" Arthur said as Nelson wrote with his good hand.
"England expects that we will be slaughtered…" he said as he wrote it. "It doesn't look very inspiring…"
"Don't put THAT up!" Arthur said in alarm as he took the paper. "No… how about … I expect every man to do his duty…"
"Oh that's a good one…" Nelson agreed as he wrote it down. "England expects every man to do his duty." He uttered as he wrote it then and gave it to the Bosun who got them to run a few flags up the mizzen. "That will show them ey? Those Froggies… we are not going to be beaten."
"Quite right sir." Arthur replied as he looked through the telescope again. "I say I dashed well know one of those Froggies…" he said as he beheld Francis Bonnefoy standing on deck looking superbly superior in his blue silk frills. "Doesn't he look marvellous?" he muttered sarcastically. "Prepare to be blown to smithereens my friend..." he said under his breath.
"What was that England?" Nelson asked. "Were you talking to me?"
"No sir… I was just er…musing." Arthur replied, hoping that he hadn't come across to Admiral Nelson as a wierdo for talking to himself. Besides he thought he looked even more handsome in his British Naval uniform than Francis ever did.
"You know I was thinking when you have a moment… England…" Admiral Nelson said, looking shy and naïve. "Maybe we could play a little game…" he tittered. "Just you and I… what do you say?"
"A little game sir?" gulped Arthur. He knew what he meant by a little game and he didn't like Nelson's little games. For one he was over bearing, and he didn't take no for an answer.
"Yes… lets play dress up."
England groaned inwardly and continued to look out the window at the battle that was beginning.
"Not now sir, I think we might be at war…"
"Even so… I thought I might dress up like a lady and you could wear the…." He continued excitedly.
"No sir…" gasped Arthur.
"Why not?" Nelson asked "It's a lot of fun… oh please?" He pleaded sounding quite disappointed. "You look so good in leather… and I would be very gentle with you." He continued trying to persuade him.
"No…" He uttered again in shock. "Besides we are at war sir…" he said and muttered something about him being disgusting.
"All right…if we win… will you wear the leather?"
"Alright… " Arthur replied. "If we win…" he said and shook his head. Nelson was old and decrepit and he wasn't looking forward to any of that. He continued to look through the telescope hoping that Nelson would come to his senses.
"Jolly good! Now fetch me my basque and tights outfit, as I am going up on deck to encourage the men. They need all the help they can get."
Arthur groaned and shook his head, face palming for a moment. "Um… Admiral Nelson sir…" he said "Don't you think you'd be an obvious target for the French gunners wearing a basque sir?"
"Nonsense!" He said excitedly. "Fetch it now! I want to look like a tart!"
"May I make a suggestion sir?" Arthur continued. "Of perhaps wearing your uniform?"
"My uniform?" Nelson asked dejectedly. "Aw… do I have to?"
"It would be the best thing sir…"
Meanwhile on board the Bucentaure Admiral Villeneuve and Francis Bonnefoy were on deck looking out to sea as they approached the British ships in the distance.
"There they are sir!" Francis said as he also looked through his telescope. He looked to see that Villeneuve had turned up on deck wearing a bra and panties, and he looked quite lovely.
"You insisted I wear this and I'm wearing it… and I feel ridiculous France." He said trying to be dignified. "This doesn't feel comfortable at all… "
"Even so Admiral Villeneuve… you do look attractive…" Francis said looking like he was in love or something.
"Doesn't this make me an obvious target for the English gunners?" He muttered. "I'm cold… going to change into my uniform. Call me when we are nearly there… I feel ridiculous."
"You look hot sir…" Francis said with a smile.
"Ridiculous." Muttered Villeneuve as he disappeared down below to get changed.
The ships approached each other and sailed alongside one another only just missing a collision. Francis stood on the bannister edge holding on to the ropes with his sword already drawn. "Prepare to die Angleterre!" he cried "Surrender!"
"Never!" Arthur cried also drawing his sword… "I dare you to board the HMS Victory… we'll blow your stupid … ship… out of the water…" he gulped as he realised the Bucentaure was actually a damn sight bigger.
"Bugger…"
Battle ensued, and the French and English sailors fought with rifles, guns and cannons, shooting the bejesus out of one another. Francis swung from his ship over to Arthurs and landed slap bang right on top of him with his sword right at his throat. He could cut his neck if he wanted but he decided to tease Arthur instead as that was more fun.
"Get off me you stupid Frog…" Screamed Arthur.
"Unlikely Mon Angleterre… you look so pathetic at ze end of my blade…" he said. Then out of nowhere Arthur rolled over and the situation was reversed, he was the one holding a blade to Francis' throat and straddling him. Somehow though the sexual tension was obvious, and both of them felt slightly awkward.
"Sorry…" Arthur said and stood up, turning the blade a few times in his hand. "Get up Froggie, we'll settle this like gentlemen!" he said in a chivalrous way. "Grab your sword."
As they fought, they were pretty much an equal match and their ships were pounding the hell out of each other, with the cannons. The French gunners were shooting from high up in the masts at anything on the HMS Victory, including a man who had turned up dressed like a lady wearing a fetching bra and some leather. Nelson was quite impressed and strolled up to him looking a little shy. "We've only just met but… I have to say you look absolutely lovely my dear…" he said, ignoring the fact that the man also had a beard and a tattoo on his arm that said MOTHER with a picture of a giant squid. He also had a hairy chest but he wasn't complaining.
The French gunners who were aiming at the sexily dressed man accidentally hit Nelson who was standing next to him and down he went. "Agh… my back is shot through…" he cried "England… England!" he cried, wanting Arthur to come to his aid.
"ADMIRAL!" cried Arthur momentarily distracted by this. Francis then saw his chance. Whilst the Englishman was busy gawping at the man who was dressed like a lady and of course the Admiral who was just shot, he grabbed the nearest Sea Bass and whacked Arthur in the face with it, sending him flying over the edge of the HMS Victory.
As Arthur went down, he hit his head off the side of the ship and landed in the water. Realising he had gone too far, Francis panicked and tried to get off the ship, and it was a good job too because it was sinking. He had to watch in horror as the HMS Victory broke apart and sank into the sea slowly…but everyone was going to die, that was certain… He couldn't see Arthur anywhere, and had to conclude that he had drowned in the onslaught.
However, Arthur awoke… in a very unfamiliar place… it was a little beach somewhere but it was not just any beach... for he had certainly gone down with his ship... The sky was a strange brown burnt umber, and the light had faded so much that it was permenantly twilight. Arthur Kirkland had gone down to the depths of the Earth and entered THE UNDERWORLD.
Dandy in the Underworld
Dandy in the Underworld
When will he come up for air?
Oh will anybody ever care?
(Dandy in the Underworld - Adam Ant or T Rex)