Whenever he sees the two of them together, his mouth tastes like ash and his legs feel like lead.
He isn't sure which one he hates more—Tetsu, who's betrayed him like no one has before (whywhywhywhywhy), or the punk with the ridiculous double-ended eyebrows (the fuck?). He wants to laugh, he wants to cry, he wants to kill something with his bare hands, strangle and twist and clench until broken bits of blood and bone bubble up and slip through his fingers.
Yeah, he knows he's a monster. He knows this is fucking sick. That Tetsu should be happy (it gets lonely, being invisible, no one to reach out for you like you're there) and he's got no right to hold on like this—some part of Aomine knows that this is wrong, that he needs to be the greater man, that killing the idiot will solve nothing and yield nothing.
(Stay invisible. Stay where I can always find you and no one else will ever see you. Stay.)
The world deserves Tetsu. Tetsu deserves the world. In all the years Aomine has known him, Tetsu has never been anything less than polite, compassionate, thoughtful, awkward but understanding. Selfish but unselfish. Unlike him. Unlike me.
And I don't need him, I never needed him (the only one who can defeat me is me). I am strong, I am invincible, I am a god. Hear me pry the gate open with my bare hands.
In such a world, do I even need him?
In such a world, can he even reach me?
Even as he's flying my way, I want to clip his wings. I want to break them so they'll never heal, so he'll never fly again. I want to build him a cage of loneliness and emptiness so cold and strong he'll only need me ever and always.
I want to bash that guy's head in, I want to make him bleed, I want to crack open his skull and dig through the brain matter with my fingers to pull out all the smears of Tetsu he found and I didn't—
Does he deserve to be locked up? Look at Murasakibara, six feet of barely controlled power that could topple over and explode at any moment. Look at Akashi, dangerously gleaming eyes bordering the edge of sanity. Look at me.
Look at me.
Lookatmelookatmelookatme—
Tetsu is speaking and Aomine wants to scream. Who are you talking to? I can't hear you. If I can't hear you, it doesn't matter, does it? Is it that what you're saying doesn't have to do with me anymore?
Is it that you don't want me to hear you anymore?
His mouth is moving but Aomine can't hear him and he really wishes he knew how to read lips right now, even though it probably wouldn't help. Because Tetsu is just so fucking far away. So fucking far away that they could be right next to each other, standing side-by-side or back-to-back like they used to, and Aomine wouldn't be able to catch a single word.
And would Tetsu even see him, even then. Would he nod and smile his tiny smile and say good afternoon, Aomine-kun—
It is a thick, jealous poison that clouds his mind. When he's deep in the Zone, the entire world is gonegonegone except for the court, the ball, the hoop: even the pounding of his heart is dimmed to his ears. He is nothing more than pairs of legs, arms, and hands, maneuvering to victory like a twisted marionette. Likewise, at the moment he is nothing more than disembodied anger.
(Because he refuses to admit that this is his heart.)
Tetsu is smiling and Aomine wants to rage. Why are you smiling? I'm not there, you know? Just where are you looking? What are you smiling at?
He dimly reflects—like one in a dream who has all the time in the world to contemplate everything that will never make any fucking sense, ever—on days long gone. Of summer training and popsicles, of dripping sweat and muscles taut with exertion he hasn't felt in months. Of the feeling that comes with his ball connecting with his hands, the force behind a beautifully executed pass, the bafflement on their opponents' faces (never stood a chance, did they).
Of whispered promises and answering grins, of bumped fists and Aomine thinks fuck it all because this is what he's lost, dammit, threw it away a long time ago.
He isn't sure which one he hates more because the one he really hates is himself.
(Tetsu is laughing and Aomine cries, because the world is a hell and he's the only one still locked in it.)
Long angsty rant. Technically I have no time for fanfiction right now, but I wrote this because I sympathize so freaking much with Aomine that it hurts, and I needed to vent, and this was the best way to do it.
I may even have made Aomine a little (okay, extremely?) OOC, because I poured a lot of emotion into this and I might've mixed in too much of my own. Whoops.
...well, now you all know how sick and twisted I am 8DD