Okay so im updating this story right now, im planning alot, currantly doing a run through on RE2 for ps3, planning to continue a run through of RE5 on xbox for some more inspiration.. I had the next chapter for 5 with chris and sheva going against the chainsaw guy all typed up...got to the part with the motorcycles and the downed helicopter..and then my stupid computer forcibly restarted for updates.. i was so mad..never even got to save.. but i hope i get to complete this one within a week or a month..cause ima try to hit the RE2 hard and type as i play..then i hope to finish 5.. RE Zero parody is on hold cuz i lost my disc 1.. i wanna do a code veronica but i want someone to do a play through with me.. im thinking about ORC and later doing 6 and even revelations..i will for sure want to do the new revelations 2 and when the remastered resident evil comes out...i MIGHT see about a recap on my RE 1 parody but...anything above i mentioned should come first..Ideas are always apreciated.

Disclaimer: Resident Evil is owned by Capcom and big business like people…The following is nothing more then a PARODY in order to make fun of every little detail that makes no sense at all in my own perspective… Keep in mind that this story is a non profit parody loaded with ADHD and ODD….Also Popcorn can beat up candy corn any day…

Intro:

"1998...I'll never forget it…" Leon began

Author: "Do you even remember it yet..?"

"…Uh….Shut up…" Leon said evasively before continuing "A while back some weird murder cases were reported and Alpha team was sent in to investigate after Bravo team was stupid enough to go missing…And whats even better was they went at night..Cause that was TOTALLY the best time to look for missing people….Uh..Anyway… They came back and started ranting about Zombies and Umbrella corporation doing naughty things with a virus!…We were fools not to believe them….But then again… Umbrella corporation has spent years supplying us with all our state of the art water proof products and anti sickness medicines! Ha! What could possibly go wrong!" Exclaimed Leon happily

Author: "….No comment…"

Chapter 1: Race to The Police Station (A.K.A. Cold Coffee)

XXXX Raccoon City Outskirts, LEON XXXX

Leon drove up to Raccoon City in his crappy Jeep, it was his first day on the job as a police officer for the RPD. (Retarded Police Drunkies) As Leon drove through town the radio was playing an 80's Motley Crue song known as "Girls Girls Girls" to which he was singing along to. As he drove he noticed an innocent bloody not dangerous at all civilian in the middle of the road sleeping. Leon stepped out of his Jeep in hopes of giving his first ticket.

Leon walked up to the bloody and totally not dead at all sleeping man "Sir… I'm going to have to kindly ask you to wake up…" he said as he kneeled beside the not dead sleeping man. The man simply layed there motionlessly, Leon noticed his wounds were fresh and it looked like he was bitten to death. As if on cue a man staggered up from behind causing Leon to stand up, the rotting flesh of the scarey bleeding man made Leon realize something..They weren't not dead at all people…This man was an evil carnivore monster man!

Leon drew his gun and opened fire several times, missing the first couple shots before putting one right bellow its nose. "Yeah!" called out Leon. Suddenly Leons leg was grabbed, he looked down only to notice that the not dead at all sleeping man had become a carnivore monster man as well! Leon did what any civilized human being would do at a time like this….Unload a whole clip into the mofo! "RAAAWR!" roared Leon once the carnivore man was dead. He looked around quickly becoming aware that Carnivore monster men were everywhere! They staggered towards him, moaning with the soul of a thousand manifestations.

"Die you emo Bastards!" he screamed as he unloaded the rest of his ammo into them killing all of them that were in the street. It was then that Leon ran into an Alley in a clearly brilliant attempt to escape rather then drive away in his Jeep.

XXXX Claire Redfield….5 minutes ago XXXX

Claire pulled upto Raccoon City on her Harley, parking at a Diner as she texted her big brother Chris "I am in Raccoon City…I know you took my Playstation when you moved out! Your so dead when I find you!" she finished her messege and hit send before walking into the Diner "Hello?" she called out "Is anyone there?"

Behind the counter a carnivore man was hunched over eating the left overs of some poor man who was CLEARLY dead now.

Claire walked upto the counter and noticed the man "Oh, Hello…" she said as the carnivore man kept munching on his delicious victem. "….What are you eating?" she asked curiously. Slowly the Carnivore man turned around looking at her with what could only be 3 hours of monster make up artists perfection. Claire screamed as she stumbled back pressing her back to the window before realizing that even more of them were outside hitting the window.

Claire stepped back "What do I do!" she screamed

Author: "Quickly! Push heavy objects in front of the door!"

Claire shook her head "This isn't Resident Evil 3 damnit! I'm going to run like hell out of this conveniently placed back door!" she exclaimed before rushing out the back door into the Alley where she bumped into someone. The someone turned out to be a man who turned out to have a gun who also turned out to aim at her and yell "DON'T MOVE!"

Claire screamed as he fired, killing the carnivore monster man that was behind her. The man took her hand "Come on! We have to run away as fast as we can!" he shouted as they ran back out of the alley that he had just escaped into, running past several perfectly good vehicles and finally getting into a police car. "Buckle your seat belt!" he exclaimed before flooring it.

"Why do you get to drive?" exclaimed Claire "Well DUH lady! Because you're a woman which means you'll crash.." he said laughing. "By the way I think you should look in that glove compartment" he said.

Claire looked in the glove box. Claire received a Handgun! Now she can shoot people whenever she feels threatened!

Leon looked at Claire "So Claire…." he said quizzically before Claire looked at him "How do you know my name?" she cried out. Leon smiled "I read it in the last paragraph" he stated simply.

Claire looked at him like he grew a second head "Yeah..Well…Don't do that okay?…Its un ethical.." she explained. Leon speeded around a corner before a scimai driven by a crazy carnivore drunk man came around a corner behind them.

Leon yawned "It would really suck if something completely random happened right now.." he stated. As if on cue a carnivore stalker man jumped from the back seat trying to grab them. "NOO!" yelled Leon dramatically as he jerked the wheel hard to the left and crashed into a light pole, the carnivore man sent crashing through the wind shield.

"Haha! Did you see that?" asked Leon "It was all like BOOOSSSHH!" he said imitating the crash. Claire looked in the mirror to fix her hair as she seen the scimai "Leon look out!" she screamed. Leon gasped "You know my name?" he asked before getting out of the car and diving as the scimai crashed, causing a huge stood up "Alright Claire! Time to bunker down! Nothing but hard work and perseverance from here on out!" he declared as a swarm of carnivore men shuffled towards them. "Hm…That and drugs…LOTS of drugs!" he said holding up a herb.

Leon and Claire after fighting their way through the horde of carnivore men finally found themselves at "Akura's Gun Shop" Leon looked at the sign for the longest moment "Hey! If you read it backwards it says Sakura Gun Shop! A clear trait of Capcoms fighting games!" he huffed before entering.

The shop owner stood behind the counter holding a shotgun. "Hey Baby…Welcome to my Shop.." he greeted. Claire smiled a little "Uh…Thanks.." she said

The shop owner frowned "I wasn't talking to YOU…I was reffering to your sexy blonde friend.." he said winking at Leon who in turn widened his eyes.

"Have a look around my shop baby…" he said as he walked over, Claire was already gathering ammo when the Shop owner blew a kiss to Leon. Suddenly the window broke and carnivore men started crawling through, pinning the shop owner down before Leon began shooting, after only 2 shots he ran over to Claire "Theres nothing more we can do for him! He was eaten to death!" he yelled

Claire blinked "That looks like a bullet wound to me!" she pointed out before being pulled out the door. Leon reloaded his pistol. "Alright….Lets go.." he said as they made their way down the stairs, climbing over dumpsters and shooting carnivore people.

"RUNNN!" screamed Leon as they rushed through main street. "I AM!" screamed Claire as an angry carnivore mob shuffled after them. Leon and Claire quickly ran into a crashed City bus. 2 zombies crawled towards them from the other end as the angry carnivore mob banged on the doors to the bus. "Why did we think this was such a good idea?" asked Claire

Leon laughed "It was my Idea!" he proclaimed. Claire nodded in agreement "Yes…That explains everything.." she stated before they unloaded the rest of their clips into the 2 carnivore men blocking their paths.

Quick as wind they rushed out of the bus and over to the Police Station.

Leon kicked the door in as he looked in amazement at the stark beauty of the mansion like features of the police department.

Claire smiled "Well thank god…Now we can all rest for another day.."

Leon looked at her "Why do you say that?" he asked

Claire Giggled "The Chapter is over silly!"

Leon nodded "Ahhh… I see now.." he said quietly.

CHAPTER 1 END